![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 0:10:59
I took a huge risk, for me, and asked my T in writing) at my appt. if I was supposed to feel an attachment to him, and told him I do feel attached. It's so hard for me to open up and trust, let alone feel attached. He should know that, he even says I have huge issues with trust.
In my note I told him that before I saw him I wanted to stay objective so I could walk away anytime. (I've been seeing him for 6 months) I didn't want to get attached bec. I was afraid of being hurt....last T was abrasive and I quit after 2 mos.
It's like a parental thing. He's been so warm and understanding. never criticized me, why wouldn't I start to feel attached?
Anyway, there was more to my note, but I felt he babbled on and on and on about one thing that didn't have anything to do with what I was really opening up to him about, but the obvious thing was that it took so much for me to actually say what i said. It just seemed like he was trying so hard not to talk about that one topic, I think he even went off on tangents that bordered on stupid, and I just wanted to get the h*ll out of there. On the way home I was so hurt, I thought it will be much easier than I thought to quit now, I felt betrayed by the trust I thought he'd been trying to build.
My main issue in therapy is not being able to trust.
Now I"m hurt, and mad, and I feel like he avoided my feelings. He said we'll get to the rest of this next week, but I think he was just putting me off. I was going to quit bec. I was so mad, but my husband said you have to go back, at least once more, and give him a chance. He said maybe he took it the wrong way - maybe he thought I was attracted to him or something. I said you know how much trouble I have with trust, you know how hard it is for me to open up to people, I can barely make eye contact with the guy!
Aren't I supposed to be able to talk about how I feel about anything I'm feeling? Why should I do this if I have to hide the way I feel? I"m supposed to be able to trust him.
Should I go back? Would you be mad or hurt? I'm so hurt, I know it will hurt all week, and even more if he avoids this issue next week. I feel like a total idiot for opening up to him bec. I thought building trust was a good thing. I'll never ever trust anyone again! I knew I would never be able to trust anyone, he's no different than anyone in my life (other than my husband).
Sorry to rant again. I know last time I did it sounded completely pathetic, and this is just as pathetic.
fw
Posted by muffled on February 15, 2006, at 0:16:56
In reply to T avoided my ? about attachment, posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 0:10:59
FW you are so NOT pathetic.
I have problems w/my T too. She just like SO misses the boat with my writings.
I wonder if its cuz she wants me to say stuff aloud if I care enough about it?
I dunno.
Ha she proly messin w/my head man!
Sorry,
I feeling kinda freaky.
Take care FW.
There was absolutely nothing wrong with your post.
Mind you, this comming from nutwoman proly don't mean much....
LOL!
Muffled
Posted by sleepygirl on February 15, 2006, at 1:00:40
In reply to T avoided my ? about attachment, posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 0:10:59
Geez fairywings, I'm sorry that didn't seem to go well. It's quite something to bring that up and not feel like it was really addressed - I imagine it can leave you feeling pretty exposed, vulnerable, etc. all that. I imagine it took a lot of courage, but it seems you're not done yet 'cause you really need to talk about it with him some more. It really sucks that you're hurting.
Yeah, I think you should go back, and yes, I'd feel angry and hurt too. :-(
I don't know what his issue was there...or what thought process he was working on, but hang in there. It certainly was NOT pathetic. Don't give up yet. Feel better.
Posted by Daisym on February 15, 2006, at 1:18:33
In reply to Re: T avoided my ? about attachment » fairywings, posted by sleepygirl on February 15, 2006, at 1:00:40
You did something very brave. I'm sorry you left hurting. I suspect that he was collecting his thoughts around what it all means. Perhaps it seemed so clear to you but wasn't to him. I wish you could have jumped in and said "hey buddy -- I just bared my soul...please respond."
It seems that your therapist is sometimes slow to get what you are working towards, or what you wanted to convey. But he eventually does get it and makes up for the hurt. You've done this pattern a couple of times, if I remember correctly.
If it were me, I'd call before next week and just say, "I'm hurt. I don't get it. If you don't want me to talk about my attachment to you, please say so." I bet you get a quick response.
All that said, some therapists just don't work with the attachment. But still, they should be open to talking about what you are feeling and why.
Hang in there.
Daisy
Posted by asmita on February 15, 2006, at 6:24:27
In reply to T avoided my ? about attachment, posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 0:10:59
i agree that it was really brave of you to bring up your attachment to him. the fact that you took the first step to talk about it is really positive, don't you think it shows progress with being able to trust someone? maybe he didn't dodge the question, maybe that's just the way you see it...because you're used to being let down when you trust someone? i definitely think you should go back and talk to him about it again, don't just give up.
Posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 7:11:09
In reply to Re: T avoided my ? about attachment, posted by Daisym on February 15, 2006, at 1:18:33
Thanks muffy sleep daisy asmita
after all of that i think i have a nasty scrtch on my cornea to top off. the pain in my eye is killing me and my 3 yo keeps wanting me to do stuff for him....i caaaaannn'ttt! geeze that hurts!
thanks for your replies i think we have gone through ths b4 daisy, you're right. sometimes i think 'why are you a t if that's the best u can do?' but i'm too harsh i guess.
right now i'm feeling utterly humiliated, but i will drag my sorry *ss back there next week and see if he makes goood on going through the rest of the note or not. maybe i'm too impulsive and should give it one more shot.
i can't call him because i'm too mad and will say something angry that i might regret. even if i quit i don't want to be nasty bec. he's friends w/pdoc.
thanks for help,
fwgotta go rest this stupid eye it's killing me!
Posted by pegasus on February 15, 2006, at 9:11:41
In reply to T avoided my ? about attachment, posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 0:10:59
Hi fairywings,
It's really really hard to take a big risk in therapy and then have your T not get it, or not respond in a helpful way. I know it feels like a big betrayal. I've been there too, and it *hurts*. I'm sorry you're having to go through that now.
It sounds like what you're experiencing now is a pattern in your life. Whenever you trust someone, they let you down.
In your message, it was clear that your T didn't respond in a helpful way. I'm curious what did he say. Can you tell him that it wasn't helpful, and that you needed something different from him?
Also, do you know exactly what would have been a perfect thing for him to say? Sometimes I find that working through that question for myself helps me communicate better the next time, which can help bring about a more satisfying resolution.
I hope your next appointment goes well. It sounds like you've started to trust your T a little, which must mean that he does some things right sometimes. But your statement about "why are you a T if this is the best you can do" sounded really poigniant to me.
peg
Posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 12:51:54
In reply to Re: T avoided my ? about attachment, posted by pegasus on February 15, 2006, at 9:11:41
thanks peg,i feel so stupid now for spilling my guts. I feel sick. trust has been such big issue for me - but i was moving beyond that.
The problem was my T didn't respond AT ALL! He rambled on and on about something else, repeating himself every way possible, until it just seemed he HAD to be avoiding the attachment issue. I was so hurt! It took so much for me to be able to tell him that in my note.
The perfect answer? All I wanted him to say is, this is perfectly normal, it's a good thing, it's a step in the right direction, and I'm okay with it. But now I feel humiliated and stupid for spilling my guts.
I'm so thankful for the babble support, because I couldn't feel more stupid right now. I've decided to go back, he said we'd cover the rest of the note next week. Hopefully, like daisy kind of said, maybe I"m over reacting, maybe it wasn't his intention to dodge what I said. I have a bad habit of "mind reading". So, I will hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
thanks,
fw
Posted by LegWarmers on February 15, 2006, at 15:48:12
In reply to Re: T avoided my ? about attachment » pegasus, posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 12:51:54
>
> The perfect answer? All I wanted him to say is, this is perfectly normal, it's a good thing, it's a step in the right direction, and I'm okay with it. But now I feel humiliated and stupid for spilling my guts.
you dont need to feel stupid or humiliated.>
> I'm so thankful for the babble support, because I couldn't feel more stupid right now. I've decided to go back, he said we'd cover the rest of the note next week. Hopefully, like daisy kind of said, maybe I"m over reacting, maybe it wasn't his intention to dodge what I said. I have a bad habit of "mind reading". So, I will hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
>I think he 'missed it', I really do. I don't think he was dodging. Im so sorry it went so badly : ( No more mind reading!
Posted by fairywings on February 15, 2006, at 16:07:39
In reply to Re: T avoided my ? about attachment » fairywings, posted by LegWarmers on February 15, 2006, at 15:48:12
thanks lw ; )
fw
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.