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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on February 10, 2006, at 18:54:58
Here's what I've noticed lately: it hardly matters what I'm doing, somewhere in the back of my mind is a very anxious bit that's checking *everything* I do, wondering if it's a sign of personality disorder, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, really-just-nuts disorder, take your pick. After all the experiences I've had in the past few years, I'm terrified, and I find myself questioning myself and my actions and my perceptions absolutely all the time.
I'm even doing that with what I'm writing. Yes, I was emphasizing that this background noise is constant. Does that mean that I must be A) histrionic? B) borderline? C) bipolar? D)narcissistic? E)paranoid? F)avoidant? G)dependent? H)relatively normal? ARGH! What a waste of time and energy.
I am not sure why I'm bringing this here, and it will certainly be a big topic coming up in therapy, but does anyone else find themselves doing this? It's bothered me a bit for a while, but this week something just threw me up against a wall with it: "You know, most people don't focus nearly this amount of energy on psychopathology."
And if anyone would like to feed my pathology, is this focus a sign of anything?
Now I'm going to go spank myself, for asking that last one...
Posted by muffled on February 10, 2006, at 22:00:21
In reply to Terminally self-conscious?, posted by Racer on February 10, 2006, at 18:54:58
> Here's what I've noticed lately: it hardly matters what I'm doing, somewhere in the back of my mind is a very anxious bit that's checking *everything* I do, wondering if it's a sign of personality disorder, bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, really-just-nuts disorder, take your pick. After all the experiences I've had in the past few years, I'm terrified, and I find myself questioning myself and my actions and my perceptions absolutely all the time.
***That sounds not too strange to me. I read my writings over and over and over, desprately trying to understand myself.(like some stuff I'll read 10-20x mebbe more proly-doesn't bear thinking about too closely :-(
>
> I'm even doing that with what I'm writing. Yes, I was emphasizing that this background noise is constant. Does that mean that I must be A) histrionic? B) borderline? C) bipolar? D)narcissistic? E)paranoid? F)avoidant? G)dependent? H)relatively normal? ARGH! What a waste of time and energy.
***I think I go thru phases where I stew and wonder why I am the way I am, and wish so bad I could know, so I could be better and not so stupid and unstable. Other times I don't do it so much.
It can be awfully noisy in my head at times. I'm kinda used to it though. Like continuous pressure.
>
> I am not sure why I'm bringing this here, and it will certainly be a big topic coming up in therapy, but does anyone else find themselves doing this? It's bothered me a bit for a while, but this week something just threw me up against a wall with it: "You know, most people don't focus nearly this amount of energy on psychopathology."
***Sounds like a good topic.
>
> And if anyone would like to feed my pathology, is this focus a sign of anything?
***In my exalted opinion, its a sign that you human, and care bout stuff is all.
>
> Now I'm going to go spank myself, for asking that last one...***HA!!!
Take care Racer.
Muffled
Posted by fairywings on February 10, 2006, at 22:04:03
In reply to Terminally self-conscious?, posted by Racer on February 10, 2006, at 18:54:58
Hi Racer,
Has it always been that way, or just recently, or was it always there but now you're doing it more now than you used to do it? Are you sleeping? Is it keeping you awake? Does it bother you more bec. you don't think other ppl think this way? Or does it bother you that you're in your head too much? If you put on headphones does it help? With all you've been through maybe the anxiety is working overtime and your body/mind can't deal with all of it? I don't know.
I talked to a psychologist who was working with my daughter, and she told me that some ppl focus by creating a constant state of anxiety. They don't do it on purpose, it's just the way they function. She said it's normal for some people - they just can't function w/o that anxiety, and my daughter and I tend to be that way. I try to occupy my mind when I'm alone so I can avoid it as much as possible. I can't even sleep w/o headphones playing music softly while I go to sleep. It's always there at some level.
My husband and I had a conversation about inner dialogue tonight, and I was amazed at how differently he thinks than I do.
Hope your T can help you sort all of this out so you can be more comfortable.
fw
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on February 11, 2006, at 1:04:57
In reply to Terminally self-conscious?, posted by Racer on February 10, 2006, at 18:54:58
Sounds like lots of anxiety. I think a lot of folks have similar worries.
(((racer)))
Best,
EE
Posted by Racer on February 11, 2006, at 1:16:28
In reply to Re: Terminally self-conscious? » Racer, posted by fairywings on February 10, 2006, at 22:04:03
> Hi Racer,
>
> Has it always been that way, or just recently, or was it always there but now you're doing it more now than you used to do it?That are good questions. The answer, though, is that this is new. This only started after the idiots at that agency, with their, "you have to accept that you have a personality disorder. After all, everyone has a personality." Mind you, they dismissed me as hopelessly misguided when I pointed out that, at 40, it would be pathological if I *didn't* have a personality, and having a personality was *not* synonymous with having a personality *disorder.* (And I never did ask which personality disorders they had, because that would have been more "proof" to them. Also why I did my best to rein in my sarcasm.)
Since then, I've had the personality disorder suggestion made, and this new pdoc was telling me that she thinks that, since I have depression and anxiety, I'm probably bipolar. It's a sore spot that keeps getting bumped, you know?
(Tangent: that bipolar thing wouldn't bother me if it led to a medication combo that was actually effective for me. That's an improvement for me. And it's mostly true, I just realized that yes, I am stressing about that, too. {sigh} Anyway, I can't take mood stabilizers or anything now anyway, because of wanting to become pregnant.)
>Are you sleeping? Is it keeping you awake? Does it bother you more bec. you don't think other ppl think this way? Or does it bother you that you're in your head too much? If you put on headphones does it help? With all you've been through maybe the anxiety is working overtime and your body/mind can't deal with all of it? I don't know.
I haven't been sleeping all that well lately. In fact, I've had an aversion to going to bed lately, which does happen when I'm on the edge of a depressive crash. It goes along with a huge overflow of anxiety, so I think that's probably what this is. I think y'all are right, who've said it here. Thank you.
And thank you for reading all this and responding. My keyboard is acting up and driving me nuts now, so I will end here before I have one of those moments where I'll worry that my frustration is a sign of Something Dire...
Posted by James K on February 11, 2006, at 13:22:06
In reply to Terminally self-conscious?, posted by Racer on February 10, 2006, at 18:54:58
This is going to go way all over the place, but I'm going to try and keep it back on point. What you are describing was the first half of my life. I don't think it is a disorder, not everything has to have a name to be gotten over IMHO.
Now I'm getting into territory that only some will be able to follow. Alcohol in combination with working and hanging with a diverse group of people who accepted me for who I am cured that part of me. They really did work together not just one or the other. Other problems continued or developed, but I don't walk around feeling like that anymore. If I ever want to remember what I felt like as a child and young man, all I have to do is smoke some marijuana. Alcohol = confidence, relaxation, Pot = self awareness to unpleasant extreme. So when people talk about self medicating I know what they mean. Makes it hard to quit or demonize too.
What could this mean to you? NOT start drinking regularly (I don't remember your history anyway). what I mean is I was shy and self conscious to a degree that a doctor might have diagnosed and medicated and messed me up earlier even more. I just had to feel right once in a while, have peer support, relax, have fun. It sounds like somehow you've lost that, since you had it before. Maybe it has to be practised. I lose the ability when I isolate too much. Again, I can't remember your circumstance.
So this is in no way an argument for substance abuse. I'm not sure what I am saying except that constant feeling can be erased without it being an uncureable flaw. Whatever is wrong with me these days, fear or over self conscious rarely raise their ugly heads.
Good luck
James K
Posted by fairywings on February 11, 2006, at 18:16:20
In reply to Re: Terminally self-conscious? » fairywings, posted by Racer on February 11, 2006, at 1:16:28
Hi Racer....
Maybe I'm missing something, but why does depression+anxiety=personality disorder? Probably tons of people have both of those in their official or unofficial dx. I know you have the eating disorder too, but you didn't say that came up.
Is it possible that one of the problems is your agency has to put a name on your "disorder"? Is it to justify your treatment to the insurance co? Very aggravating to be the subject of the dx though.
Maybe there's no way to know, but do ppl who go to that particular agency tend to have big labels put on them? My T told me that everyone who went to this one particular practice ended up with the same dx, which was not a minor dx, and he said they weren't generally what they were labeled. Maybe it's the diagnosis du jour for that place.
Did you ever try a stimulant? I know some ppl say it causes anxiety, but I find I have much less anxiety on a stimulant. I guess it just depends on the person's system. If you're still considering it, how does coffee affect you? I used to drink it b4 bed. Couldn't drink it during the day.
What happened with the WB and Cymbalta? Are you still on those?
You're not still seeing Dr. Cattleprod? Was his dx the same?
Are you otherwise happy with the agency/pdoc? Can you discuss with the pdoc how being labeled "PD" makes you feel, and if it can be changed? I discussed dx with my T and pdoc, and they were both really good about it.
fw
Posted by sleepygirl on February 11, 2006, at 18:38:17
In reply to Terminally self-conscious?, posted by Racer on February 10, 2006, at 18:54:58
It is my opinion that the personality disorder labels are grossly misused and applied too indiscriminately. My issue with those particular diagnoses is that I find it difficult to find out how that label is helpful in treatment, rather than just a catch-all.
Just my opinion, 'cause "Racer", I'm sure, is a lovely and complicated person who cannot be summed up in some label.
This is the end of the thread.
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