Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 605035

Shown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

shall i have another rant???

Posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2006, at 22:07:29

no.
whats the point?
i'll only upset myself...

 

yes

Posted by B2chica on February 1, 2006, at 9:11:01

In reply to shall i have another rant???, posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2006, at 22:07:29

i say YES...let it out!
tell me what hurts, what you hate... how you feel inside...
you are safe to let it out here.
b2c.

 

Re: shall i have another rant??? » alexandra_k

Posted by fairywings on February 1, 2006, at 9:56:10

In reply to shall i have another rant???, posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2006, at 22:07:29


if you'll feel better, let it out.
if you'll feel worse, try to distract yourself, or treat yourself to something nice maybe?
fw

 

Re: shall i have another rant???

Posted by Susan47 on February 1, 2006, at 10:35:56

In reply to Re: shall i have another rant??? » alexandra_k, posted by fairywings on February 1, 2006, at 9:56:10

Rant away Alex we're here and listening ...

 

Re: shall i have another rant??? » alexandra_k

Posted by Damos on February 1, 2006, at 15:08:24

In reply to shall i have another rant???, posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2006, at 22:07:29

Can't add much to what the others have said. Talk to us if it'll help, we're here.

(((((Alex)))))

 

Re: shall i have another rant???

Posted by alexandra_k on February 1, 2006, at 21:53:23

In reply to Re: shall i have another rant??? » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on February 1, 2006, at 15:08:24

thanks. i think... it will probably not help terribly much to dwell on it. feeling a little better about it today anyways.

and if i say it over and over...

it just might come true.

 

((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) (nm)

Posted by happyflower on February 3, 2006, at 2:30:40

In reply to Re: shall i have another rant???, posted by alexandra_k on February 1, 2006, at 21:53:23

 

Re: ((((((alexandra K))))))))))))))

Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2006, at 5:25:12

In reply to ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) (nm), posted by happyflower on February 3, 2006, at 2:30:40

thanks for that.

have been a little fragile lately. have been reading... but been finding it hard to post. not sure why. just having trouble :-( and feeling unconnected because i'm not posting more. i shall make a concentrated effort tomorrow and hopefully i'll manage to break through that wall...

sigh.

have been feeling really rather fragmented. have started freaking a little about just how much i do use. because... i don't want it to be part of my life once i move. because... i will be losing all my current contacts / connections. a part of me... doesn't want to move. is not happy about this situation. that part has been really rather vocal around all this.

alchohol. sigh. don't bother with it mostly. just want to feel more high and... less sick. we have a binge drinking culture over here. it is considered to be a social problem. but we have a binge drinking culture. i've been trying to be more social... seems to involve drinking games. going into town (not really my scene typically). i was trying to be social :-( but really... that is not me either.

randoms. well... just the one. :-( not happy of myself. not proud. might bite me yet :-(

and the anger / rage at community mental health is flaring up too. i guess cause i'm fragile.

this shall pass. i don't want to be a binge drinker. this shall pass. please god.

 

Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » alexandra_k

Posted by muffled on February 4, 2006, at 18:31:08

In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))), posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2006, at 5:25:12

> thanks for that.
((((((((((((((((alex))))))))))))))
>
> have been a little fragile lately. have been reading... but been finding it hard to post. not sure why. just having trouble :-( and feeling unconnected because i'm not posting more. i shall make a concentrated effort tomorrow and hopefully i'll manage to break through that wall...
****I always feel bad when I can't write.
>
> sigh.
>
> have been feeling really rather fragmented. have started freaking a little about just how much i do use. because... i don't want it to be part of my life once i move. because... i will be losing all my current contacts / connections. a part of me... doesn't want to move. is not happy about this situation. that part has been really rather vocal around all this.
***its hard to be in conflict :-(
>
> alchohol. sigh. don't bother with it mostly. just want to feel more high and... less sick. we have a binge drinking culture over here. it is considered to be a social problem. but we have a binge drinking culture. i've been trying to be more social... seems to involve drinking games. going into town (not really my scene typically). i was trying to be social :-( but really... that is not me either.

**** You drink. Or other stuff too?
Binging is the worst. Really used to wreck me. I would be so disoriented for days afterwards.
>
> randoms. well... just the one. :-( not happy of myself. not proud. might bite me yet :-(
***hope not
>
> and the anger / rage at community mental health is flaring up too. i guess cause i'm fragile.
***just proly getting generally overwhelmed I suppose....
>
> this shall pass. i don't want to be a binge drinker. this shall pass. please god.
***It can pass. Remember all the bad stuff, the scarey stuff BEFORE you drink. Link the bad stuff together with the thot of drinking.
Alex...I dunno what to say 'cept we care bout you here. You can talk or not talk. And you can talk all about yourself and not post to anyone else and thats ok too. Cuz sometimes we just don't have it in ourselves to help others, we too busy just trying to survive ourselves. But that shouldn't stop a person from posting if it helps them.
Take care Alex. You OK.
Muffled

 

Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » muffled

Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 1:53:00

In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » alexandra_k, posted by muffled on February 4, 2006, at 18:31:08

thank you muffled, you are very sweet :-)
i was going to post today but the day just flew out from under me. tomorrow... there is always tomorrow. best for me to not get too caught up in politics too. especially since i don't really know what i'm talking about (sssh don't tell auntiemel and co ;-)

> ****I always feel bad when I can't write.

yeah. me too. maybe i can't write so i feel bad? but then i manage okay at other times... i don't know.

> ***its hard to be in conflict :-(

yep. and i have been feeling it :-(
'losing time'
which is half remembered...
who am i kidding i think i remember most of it...
i just don't want to :-(
but... i'm okay, eh?
thanks so much.

> **** You drink.

not usually. but have been trying... trying to be social and stuff...

> Or other stuff too?

for preference yeah...

> Binging is the worst. Really used to wreck me. I would be so disoriented for days afterwards.

mmm. wrecks me for a good day.
and thats not so helpful when everyone is back on it the following day :-(
i think... maybe i'm getting old... or something...

> > randoms. well... just the one. :-( not happy of myself. not proud. might bite me yet :-(
> ***hope not

he came back today. he is quite nice actually ;-)
and he speaks english not too bad too ;-)

> > and the anger / rage at community mental health is flaring up too. i guess cause i'm fragile.
> ***just proly getting generally overwhelmed I suppose....

yeah. i think that is it. feeling a lot more fragile than usual.

> ***It can pass. Remember all the bad stuff, the scarey stuff BEFORE you drink. Link the bad stuff together with the thot of drinking.

yeah. it is just that the drinking helps with the social anxiety :-(

> Alex...I dunno what to say 'cept we care bout you here. You can talk or not talk. And you can talk all about yourself and not post to anyone else and thats ok too. Cuz sometimes we just don't have it in ourselves to help others, we too busy just trying to survive ourselves. But that shouldn't stop a person from posting if it helps them.

thank you muffled. (((((muffled))))))

> Take care Alex. You OK.

you take care too. you are okay too, you know :-)

 

Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » alexandra_k

Posted by Damos on February 5, 2006, at 18:34:24

In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » muffled, posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 1:53:00

Dearest Alex,

I can really understand your feeling fragile and fragmented at the moment. It's a big change, a life changing change, and it makes sense that parts of you are protesting and unhappy in a big way. I know I'd be torn in all kinds of ways in your shoes.

Whether you've particularly liked the life you've had there or not, it's been your life for a long time and so there is a sense of security and belonging regardless of whether you think it's been good, bad or indifferent. And the connections you have are part of that too. They might not be friends or whatever, but they are still connections, and ones that have probably been with you through some pretty tough times.

It's understandable that the move is raising all kinds of questions about how you have been, how you want to be and a whole lot else besides. Being scared would seem to me to be the most natural thing in the world. Honestly I doubt that I could do what you're doing.

I'm sorry you feel like you can't post right now. I know how much babble means to you, and how very much you mean to babble. Just be here how and when you can. Feeling unconnected is awful, There ae times when it is a physical ache. Just know that your connection to us goes beyond the boards. You're a part of us, here or not.

Alex, I'm basically a solitary person and one of the hardest lessons I've learned is that I am who I am and just because that's not like everyone else, and they don't understand it, it doesn't make me wrong or bad or defective or whatever. Being sociable by definition is being "friendly or companionable", and these take many forms and you are both of them. A large part of this comes from within you and acceptance of yourself as being worthy of friendship and companionship just as you are. Not the acceptance of others based on your being the way they believe you should be and doing the things they believe you should do. Context is everything and it took me a long time to learn this. You can't undo all the the things you've believed about yourself in the blink of an eye. It takes time. It takes time to be able to say that who you are is okay. Remember your life experience has made your wise beyond your years in a lot of ways and gives you a different perspective to others who have not shared that experience.

H*ll I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just know you are loved unconditionally and unreservedly by people here and that you can't disappoint us - ever. You're a wonderful friend and a joy to know and you may not realise it but your friendship has helped me be more 'sociable' and in the world than I thought possible. Thank you so much.

Take good care my very dear friend.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))

 

Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » Damos

Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 18:54:18

In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on February 5, 2006, at 18:34:24

> Whether you've particularly liked the life you've had there or not, it's been your life for a long time and so there is a sense of security and belonging regardless of whether you think it's been good, bad or indifferent.

yeah, thats right. i have been talking to some of my friends... 'will you still email / text / write / phone me once i've moved'? 'will you come visit me'? they sort of 'hmm' about that or say 'sure' in a way that they aren't very convinced. but then... do i want to keep in touch with them? hmm. security. yeah. counts for a lot.

> And the connections you have are part of that too. They might not be friends or whatever, but they are still connections, and ones that have probably been with you through some pretty tough times.

yeah. and some of them... have been. i remember one time... a few years back now. i was just starting DBT. my father managed to talk me into house sitting for him. i was not happy about that. felt horrible being there. lots of horrible memories etc. got into one of my places. so a couple of them came and practically moved in with me. looked after me. fed me drugs (which was well intentioned in the sense that that is what seems to help me when i get into one of 'those states'). they have been there... i'd ring them up... they would be there. they used to come visit me in hospital and break me out for the day and we'd go tripping all over the country. they were friends in the best way they knew how to be.

and... they just accepted me as a mate. as a friend. never pressured me for any more than that. and they looked out for me. i felt safe goign out with them because i knew they would look after me. even when i had one of my fainting attacks lol. no harm ever cam eto me when i was with them... or without them actually... but you get what i mean...

and there is a horrible pull between that and between... my not wanting to use. not wanting to associate with known criminals. not wanting to be around these people who think it is okay to swear at and hit little kids etc. sigh.

> It's understandable that the move is raising all kinds of questions about how you have been, how you want to be and a whole lot else besides. Being scared would seem to me to be the most natural thing in the world.

yeah. i do feel pretty scared... and who i am... i don't know. i don't talk about... i don't usually talk about stuff.

people from work... don't know about the drugs. or that side of things. it is complicated........ i talk about more on the boards than anywhere else. i talk about the stuff i'd never say irl. i think... maybe i got terminated because they didn't know how disfunctional a lot of my life is... because they didn't know what i was up to... i don't know :-(

thank you. i am trying to post... i think i might be cringing from some of the things i've said recently... and recent events... and the move... and stuff. i don't know. was trying to be social irl but...

> Alex, I'm basically a solitary person and one of the hardest lessons I've learned is that I am who I am and just because that's not like everyone else, and they don't understand it, it doesn't make me wrong or bad or defective or whatever. Being sociable by definition is being "friendly or companionable", and these take many forms and you are both of them. A large part of this comes from within you and acceptance of yourself as being worthy of friendship and companionship just as you are. Not the acceptance of others based on your being the way they believe you should be and doing the things they believe you should do. Context is everything and it took me a long time to learn this. You can't undo all the the things you've believed about yourself in the blink of an eye. It takes time. It takes time to be able to say that who you are is okay. Remember your life experience has made your wise beyond your years in a lot of ways and gives you a different perspective to others who have not shared that experience.

i don't know :-( i don't know who i am or who i want to be. or... i htink i know but then i go and do stuff that really doesn't fit. i don't know. i am no good at this. sometimes i think that solitary is best. but then i get so very lonely :-( i don't know.

((((((Damos)))))))

i think it is about... living on campus when the majority of people are undergrads. but then last time in aussie... same situation. same situation so i don't know. my problem is that... i can't go out to a club or a party without some substance to help me along. i simply would not have fun without it. too anxious etc. i guess the healthy happy people of this world can go out and stuff and not imbibe. but not me. i need to meet people who have more in common with me... but who is me and what does me like to do anyway? because i do go out... it is just that i cringe from it in horror at times and don't talk about it with some people out there...

:-(

 

Re: ((((((alexandra K))))))))))))))

Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 19:27:37

In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 18:54:18

because it doesn't fit... it doesn't fit. i don't see how it is supposed to fit together...

university
drugs
stuff... stuff like that.
i mean sure i get a lot of people use and study... but they don't do so well typically...
i used to kind of work for these people. me and my mates... do cooks for them and run drug houses and stuff... not so involved with that so more... one of my mates was asked to take the rap for two sheets of LSD and he did a runner... he would have had a couple year sentance... or more... class A I think... and people coming to 'reposess' stuff... ticks... this stuff... how is it supposed to fit..?

borderline stuff... not in with the gangs... just fringes... but still. how is it supposed to fit? i do'nt want it... but they looked out for me they did. and if i don't want it then why do i keep on keeping on with it?

even there even my role there... how can i do it? i do'tn know.... i don't know why they put up with me... most of the girls hanging out are pro's and yet they wouldn't have it if anyone treated me like that... i don't mind most of the girls but some are bitchy cause they see me get stuff for free... and why? history? i don't know. i don't know. i don't understand. i don't know why they are good to me. but htey are. they like me.

one of them... i got him into doing a course at tech to be a drug and alchohol councellor. i don't know whether that is going to work out for him. but he likes it. i've helped him a lot... he doesn't write so good... but he is learning. he comes out with some great stuff at times... very taken with behaviourism and reinforcing different outcomes :-)

they are my mates... but... criminal conviction and it is all over rover :-(

and drink... thats what is strange about the people here. because they aren't so hardcore. no way. no f*cking way. but they think they are pretty hardcore. but it is different. i got the 'randoms' lecture from them (though wary... lots of people wanting to be nz citizens... some peoples out to hook up and get that... i do know this...) but with the drinking i just think WHY! if people wanna get high why are they wasting their time with that crap? i don't know. p house. trouble now. stolen goods... i'm keeping out of it... but friend. cars and stuff... lotsa money of drugs... cutting them... cutting them bit too much and wrong people... tricky situation. trying not to get involved... it is hard. it is hard for me.

moving moving moving along
it will be okay
right?

who am i kidding... if this had come out... nobody would have worked with me. muffled was onto something... noboyd wants to work with addicts. but i'm not an addict i don't know what i am i don't know who i am i not doing so well :-( have to hold together :-( have to have to must it will get better - right?

time to go have a smoke. back later. probhably won't post. maybe thats why i'm posting less. try not to post while hammered. come out with all sorts of sh*t... not hammered now... just hungover... takes a while to get out of the system...

 

Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » alexandra_k

Posted by muffled on February 5, 2006, at 22:24:28

In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » muffled, posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 1:53:00

best for me to not get too caught up in politics too. especially since i don't really know what i'm talking about (sssh don't tell auntiemel and co ;-)
****OK SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

> yep. and i have been feeling it :-(
(((Alex)))

> but... i'm okay, eh?
> thanks so much.
***Yeah, you definately OK.

but have been trying... trying to be social and stuff...
> mmm. wrecks me for a good day.
***You like being social? I'm not very social.

> i think... maybe i'm getting old... or something...
****Nah, I just saw the Rolling Stones at half time at the superbowl on TV. Those guys ARE old, but thery keep on rocking. They proly pickled w/alcohol!


> he came back today. he is quite nice actually ;-)
> and he speaks english not too bad too ;-)
***Speaks ENGLISH!!!!what else do they speak around there?

> yeah. i think that is it. feeling a lot more fragile than usual.
***(((Alex)))
>
> yeah. it is just that the drinking helps with the social anxiety :-(
***So longs you don't go getting in to trouble.......
>
> > Alex...I dunno what to say 'cept we care bout you here. > thank you muffled. (((((muffled))))))
>
> > Take care Alex. You OK.
>
***Thanks for hugs Alex. Take care,
Muffled

 

Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » alexandra_k

Posted by Damos on February 5, 2006, at 23:09:41

In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))), posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 19:27:37

((((((((((Alex)))))))))) Right now can't say much more than thank you. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me. Thank you for the tears it brought. Thank you for your trust. It all means so very much to me. It's a lot to take in, and it's touched and effected me in all sorts of ways and helps me understand. I can feel how much it hurts you. Thank you. Tried to relpy before from a place down the street and lost it sorry. Will reply properly I promise. All I know is that you make me want to be a better friend to you than I know how to be.

(((((Alex)))))

 

Re: ((((((alexandra K))))))))))))))

Posted by muffled on February 5, 2006, at 23:34:32

In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on February 5, 2006, at 23:09:41

Oh Alex................
My heart hurts..........
They like you because you are kind and want to help others.
They like you Alex for being Alex.
That world you being mixed up in. With its codes, and stuff. Its sh*t Alex. Its bad.
Some of the people, like you are ok. Some mebbe only a little bad. Some don't care bout nothing but themselves. And while they may follow 'the code' to a point, you know damn well if they think they can get away with something they will do it. They only follow the code cuz they have to or get jumped out.
Seems like this move, while hard, may be perfect. To get out. And don't get sucked into it elsewhere.
It seems like there's ethics in that world.
But its all an illusion.
Oh Alex. Please, please, please, can you think mebbe of getting out?
Like I can talk.
I'm out, but what do I do when I stressed......walk around downtown.....cuz thats where I feel normal.......sigh.
But I'm out.
And damn glad of it.
Took along time for the stench to come off me.
Still kinda clings to my psyche.
I'm proly being stupid and preachy sh*thead.
Just try to see that world for what it REALLY is......
Take specialcare Alex, really.
Cuz your special.
Muffled

 

Re: Yikes, long - sorry » alexandra_k

Posted by Damos on February 7, 2006, at 15:43:24

In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))), posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 19:27:37

Hey Alex :-)

A quick pre-apology. This was written in several interrupted attempts so may be even more nonsensical than usual.

There's part of me that wonders if a lot of these anxieties are being driven/stirred up by the accommodation dramas (guess after yesterdays news we'll soon know :-))

"They were friends in the best way they knew how to be." And that says it all, and means and matters so very much.

Being accepted, completely and without judgement - I get it totally. And to have felt, feel so safe, and have people who are just there, would just mean the world. I'm sorry Alex, it's an awful, awful position to be in and choice to have to make. But they would understand, they really would. And I really think the best of them would want you to get out, would encourage you to if you could. Because in your shoes they would feel just the same as you are.

Why do you stick with it? For all those reasons. Because for so long you didn't have those things. Because it's what you know, and that's less scary than the alternative. Lots of reasons, all valid and understandable. "I don't know why they are good to me, but they are. They like me." And there it is. We all want to be liked whether we want to admit it or not, and to be like for who we are. And kindness is kindness no matter how it's packaged. They are good to you and they like you for all the reasons we like you too.

"One of them...I got him into doing a course at tech to be a drug and alcohol counsellor. I don't know whether that is going to work out for him. But he like it. I've helped him a lot...he doesn't write so good...but he is learning. He comes out with some great stuff at times...very taken with behaviourism and reinforcing different outcomes :-)" And you wonder why we love you so, you are so very beautiful, and so much of the wonder that is you shines through these simple words. You just make me so proud to know you and be your friend.

What you have been through, what you've done and experienced, how life's been for you, aren't you, you're right. But they help us in getting to know who you are and why you feel and hurt the way you do. They help, and mean a lot.

Alex, sometimes having the freedom to choose is the most overwhelming choice there is. But it does include the choice not to be free. The choice to cast off a self that doesn't fit anymore is one of the hardest choices there is. Some animals have to cast off their skins or shells in order to keep growing and I know we talked about it once before, how every cell in the human body is replaced every seven years or something. Sometimes we have to leave things behind. Doesn't mean they stop being important to us or that we are not grateful for them. You will never lose the memories of what you shared with your friends, it's been a very special bond for you. I'm sorry the choice is so hard.

Kinda wondering if the loss of this feeling of acceptance and belonging and the other anxieties around that are driving the 'need' to be/feel more sociable and to feel 'acceptable' a little. Maybe even a little/a lot of the sense of loneliness too. Don't know, maybe. Know they do me, to one extreme or the other, further out or further in, go figure.

Looks like I was my usual vague incomprehensible self when I talked about being solitary. What I was trying to say was that I learned that solitary doesn't have to mean isolated, or alone, or lonely. It's about being able to say that yeah I'm happy to be on my own a fair bit of the time and that I like and am comfortable in my own space. Would I still like to be able to share that space with people who are special to me? Very much so. Do I still long for connection and contact? Absolutely - desperately at times. I don't think solitary and sociable, social or whatever you want to call it are mutually exclusive. I don't believe that by accepting myself as being this way that I am saying that I don't want to be in or have emotionally fulfilling relationships with other people, I do, I hope to, hope I am. Still probably not making a lot of sense, but in a way being able to say to myself "You know, these things just aren't you, never have been" has actually enabled me to better and more truly be me in those situations that are. Like somehow it's lessened the internal conflict. If I'm honest, the more I tried to make myself be comfortable in those situations that weren't me, the worse I actually got. Almost as though the system was pushing back. Bit like brussel sprouts I guess, you can't make me like them no matter how hard you try or what you do to them to make them more palatable. But I will eat 'em sometimes (just don't push it).

All I can tell you is that I do know a few very happy couples who are complete 'social' opposites, but just work and love each other immensely and are wonderful together and intensely proud of who the other is. One of them said to me once; "I don't understand why we work, I just know the way we are together and that's what matters." Acceptance just for who we are.

Alex I was never comfortable at clubs or parties (as I imagine you mean them). Never will be. But sometimes it was okay - I was up for it. There are gatherings that are okay to a lesser or greater extent and that depends a lot on the people and my mood. Sorry this wasn't supposed to be about me. But I do understand what you mean about that you can and do go out and it's okay and then at other times it's just so not okay. Makes perfect sense to me. Giving yourself permission to say; "You know what guys, on second thoughts I'm just not feeling up to it tonight so you just go and have a great time and we'll catch-up another time." and not feel guilty, bad or wrong or whatever is liberating.

Please don't worry about not knowing who you are or who you want to be. We are all works in progress. I'm barely beginning to understand me. Don't be too hard on yourself and give yourself time, you're way ahead of where I was at the same age (come to think of it, where I am).

Sometimes stuff doesn't fit or even make a whole lotta sense. It just is.

Enough Damos, enough.

You take good care now okay.


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