Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2006, at 18:54:18
In reply to Re: ((((((alexandra K)))))))))))))) » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on February 5, 2006, at 18:34:24
> Whether you've particularly liked the life you've had there or not, it's been your life for a long time and so there is a sense of security and belonging regardless of whether you think it's been good, bad or indifferent.
yeah, thats right. i have been talking to some of my friends... 'will you still email / text / write / phone me once i've moved'? 'will you come visit me'? they sort of 'hmm' about that or say 'sure' in a way that they aren't very convinced. but then... do i want to keep in touch with them? hmm. security. yeah. counts for a lot.
> And the connections you have are part of that too. They might not be friends or whatever, but they are still connections, and ones that have probably been with you through some pretty tough times.
yeah. and some of them... have been. i remember one time... a few years back now. i was just starting DBT. my father managed to talk me into house sitting for him. i was not happy about that. felt horrible being there. lots of horrible memories etc. got into one of my places. so a couple of them came and practically moved in with me. looked after me. fed me drugs (which was well intentioned in the sense that that is what seems to help me when i get into one of 'those states'). they have been there... i'd ring them up... they would be there. they used to come visit me in hospital and break me out for the day and we'd go tripping all over the country. they were friends in the best way they knew how to be.
and... they just accepted me as a mate. as a friend. never pressured me for any more than that. and they looked out for me. i felt safe goign out with them because i knew they would look after me. even when i had one of my fainting attacks lol. no harm ever cam eto me when i was with them... or without them actually... but you get what i mean...
and there is a horrible pull between that and between... my not wanting to use. not wanting to associate with known criminals. not wanting to be around these people who think it is okay to swear at and hit little kids etc. sigh.
> It's understandable that the move is raising all kinds of questions about how you have been, how you want to be and a whole lot else besides. Being scared would seem to me to be the most natural thing in the world.yeah. i do feel pretty scared... and who i am... i don't know. i don't talk about... i don't usually talk about stuff.
people from work... don't know about the drugs. or that side of things. it is complicated........ i talk about more on the boards than anywhere else. i talk about the stuff i'd never say irl. i think... maybe i got terminated because they didn't know how disfunctional a lot of my life is... because they didn't know what i was up to... i don't know :-(
thank you. i am trying to post... i think i might be cringing from some of the things i've said recently... and recent events... and the move... and stuff. i don't know. was trying to be social irl but...
> Alex, I'm basically a solitary person and one of the hardest lessons I've learned is that I am who I am and just because that's not like everyone else, and they don't understand it, it doesn't make me wrong or bad or defective or whatever. Being sociable by definition is being "friendly or companionable", and these take many forms and you are both of them. A large part of this comes from within you and acceptance of yourself as being worthy of friendship and companionship just as you are. Not the acceptance of others based on your being the way they believe you should be and doing the things they believe you should do. Context is everything and it took me a long time to learn this. You can't undo all the the things you've believed about yourself in the blink of an eye. It takes time. It takes time to be able to say that who you are is okay. Remember your life experience has made your wise beyond your years in a lot of ways and gives you a different perspective to others who have not shared that experience.
i don't know :-( i don't know who i am or who i want to be. or... i htink i know but then i go and do stuff that really doesn't fit. i don't know. i am no good at this. sometimes i think that solitary is best. but then i get so very lonely :-( i don't know.
((((((Damos)))))))
i think it is about... living on campus when the majority of people are undergrads. but then last time in aussie... same situation. same situation so i don't know. my problem is that... i can't go out to a club or a party without some substance to help me along. i simply would not have fun without it. too anxious etc. i guess the healthy happy people of this world can go out and stuff and not imbibe. but not me. i need to meet people who have more in common with me... but who is me and what does me like to do anyway? because i do go out... it is just that i cringe from it in horror at times and don't talk about it with some people out there...
:-(
poster:alexandra_k
thread:605035
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060131/msgs/606677.html