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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on December 2, 2005, at 10:09:54
I am going to tell him that I "get" what he is saying about what I need to do in my marriage for my self. But I want him to lay off a little. I will do it when I am ready and do what I think is right. I just don't think he needs to beat this into my head every session. I know he cares about my well being, and I am not going so well because of my marrige, but I am not ready to follow through with the untimatiums if he won't do therapy.
Posted by Dinah on December 2, 2005, at 11:08:01
In reply to This is what I am going to tell him next, posted by happyflower on December 2, 2005, at 10:09:54
I think you have every right to do that. My therapist has only ever made hypothetical ultimatums, and understands that my response to any real one would be to not do whatever it is he wants me to do, even if I was planning to do it the next day before the ultimatum.
It's a big decision, and you have the right to do it in a way that feels right to you. Unless your husband is a danger to you, leaving at your own rate is the best way to make it a "successful" separation.
Posted by Gee on December 2, 2005, at 11:26:13
In reply to Re: This is what I am going to tell him next » happyflower, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2005, at 11:08:01
I totally agree with Dinah.
Could you tell him to back off a bit? It's a huge decision to make, and not one to make just because your T thinks you should. You have to want to, and feel that it's the only option left.
Posted by daisym on December 3, 2005, at 0:48:16
In reply to This is what I am going to tell him next, posted by happyflower on December 2, 2005, at 10:09:54
I think this is a healthy position to take. Perhaps you can practice with your therapist asking your husband for what you want or need. At least you might get a dialogue opened up. I have to tell you that I'm not good at this with my husband either. But slowly I've stood up for myself around a few things and it has helped. My therapist makes suggestions and gives me "permission" to have needs and wants and once in a great while he will be directive about something that is going on that he thinks is harmful to me. Usually he offers to write me a note about it, meaning he is taking a stand as MY therapist. Sometimes it does feel pushy. And yet, I'm not sure I would have made any changes without a push.
I know this is a really hard place to be. I hope it gets better soon.
Posted by orchid on December 3, 2005, at 1:15:54
In reply to This is what I am going to tell him next, posted by happyflower on December 2, 2005, at 10:09:54
What you have said makes so much of sense. Sometimes, therapists want to get things moving so that they feel a sense of doing something. Just talking about things all the time might become somewhat boring to them so they might unconsciously look for some action.But you as an individual have to know what you are really capable of and what you are not. I was adviced by my both therapists to leave my marraige many many times. But I knew I was not capable of being alone, so didn't act on it.
Also you will have to perhaps weigh much more things if you decide to get a divorce. How your children will be affected. Will you be able to find a suitable partner? What if you fall sick and get some chronic illness? What if you like someone and they are married. - Because I understand you are around 35, and most good guys in that age range would be married and most likely have kids also. So you may not find someone else easily. Even if you find someone else, if they have kids, are you willing to take that?
Don't leave your marriage in the hope of having an affair or marrying your T. If you really think your T wants to marry you and you are soulmates, ask him to leave his marriage first before you leave yours. I personally think he won't leave his marriage. So put your full efforts on your marriage and leave the rest of the things for later. I would also think you need to keep divorce and issuing ultimatums as the worst scenario as it is much harder to follow through the ultimatums.
Posted by happyflower on December 3, 2005, at 8:03:13
In reply to Re: This is what I am going to tell him next » happyflower, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2005, at 11:08:01
> It's a big decision, and you have the right to do it in a way that feels right to you. Unless your husband is a danger to you, leaving at your own rate is the best way to make it a "successful" separation.
I agree, I feel time is on my side. I am not prepared to follow through with the ultimatium at this point. What good would that be ? When I offer the ultimatium, I need to be prepared that it could lead to a separation. I am not emotionally, or financially ready for that.
Posted by happyflower on December 3, 2005, at 8:06:13
In reply to Re: This is what I am going to tell him next, posted by Gee on December 2, 2005, at 11:26:13
> I totally agree with Dinah.
>
> Could you tell him to back off a bit? It's a huge decision to make, and not one to make just because your T thinks you should. You have to want to, and feel that it's the only option left.I KNOW I NEED to do this, but I am not ready at this point to follow through with it, if he decided to end the marriage or if he refuses to do couple therapy. But I need to do something because it really stinks to feel like this.
Posted by happyflower on December 3, 2005, at 8:12:42
In reply to Re: This is what I am going to tell him next » happyflower, posted by daisym on December 3, 2005, at 0:48:16
I think why is seems so "pushy" is because he tells me the same thing for several sessions now, but in different ways. But what I don't like is he using the year mark of when the problems started in my relationship to set a date of when I
should really push things with my DH. He says 2005 was bad, do you want another year of the same? Maybe he thinks I am hemming and hawing to much, I don't know.
Posted by happyflower on December 3, 2005, at 8:24:40
In reply to That is really great !!! » happyflower, posted by orchid on December 3, 2005, at 1:15:54
>
> What you have said makes so much of sense. Sometimes, therapists want to get things moving so that they feel a sense of doing something. Just talking about things all the time might become somewhat boring to them so they might unconsciously look for some action.Yeah, you are right. I had to tell him another time to back off, it was about the EMDR thing. He admitted that yes he wants things to move faster at the same time I want thing to go slower. I am sure he will back off a bit if I tell too.
> Also you will have to perhaps weigh much more things if you decide to get a divorce.
Yes, we have talked a lot about these things, and I also have thought about it all too.
> Don't leave your marriage in the hope of having an affair or marrying your T.
I am not that dumb to do that! LOL I do feel we are soulmates, but I am not sure what kind of soul mates that we are. Not all soul mates are romantic ones.
If you really think your T wants to marry you and you are soulmates, ask him to leave his marriage first before you leave yours. I personally think he won't leave his marriage.
I don't think my T wants tomarry me, I know he is attracted to me and has feelings, but marriage is really putting the cart in front of the horse in this situation.
So put your full efforts on your marriage and leave the rest of the things for later.Yes, I agree, but I HAVE been working on my marriage, but I am the only one TRYING. I can't do it by myself.
I would also think you need to keep divorce and issuing ultimatums as the worst scenario as it is much harder to follow through the ultimatums.
Yes, I agree, but my T and I do agree, it has been months since any sex or any talking either. He refused to do couple therapy. Plus he won't tell me where he stands with that other women he works with. He avoids me and every conversation with me. It has been like this since last March. How long would you put up with this?
Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2005, at 9:29:13
In reply to Re: That is really great !!! » orchid, posted by happyflower on December 3, 2005, at 8:24:40
I *do* think there are some things you ought to do to protect yourself and your children if there is another woman involved. Like consulting an attorney. Sadly, men often try to hide their assets or otherwise place themselves to come out ahead in a divorce. Consulting an attorney can give you an idea of the things to watch for, or the things you should be doing.
I'm not saying you should leave him, but that is a very suspicious set of actions on his part, especially not discussing the other woman.
Oh heavens. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Consulting an attorney, if your husband found out, may give him a reason to leave.
But... I think I'd keep an eye on any joint assets.
Posted by rainbowbrite on December 3, 2005, at 11:45:08
In reply to Re: That is really great !!! » orchid, posted by happyflower on December 3, 2005, at 8:24:40
>>Yes, I agree, but my T and I do agree, it has been months since any sex or any talking either. He refused to do couple therapy. Plus he won't tell me where he stands with that other women he works with. He avoids me and every conversation with me. It has been like this since last March. How long would you put up with this?
sorry, im just catching the tail end of this an di dont know the history between you and your husband. But if you think he is having an affair get to a lawyer asap! also I read in a previous thread about staying together for the kids....I wouldnt recomend that. If your kids ever found out you did that they may end up carrying an incredible guilt with them, also kids are very perceptive and generally will know if their parents are not happy. IMO its better to teach self respect then endurecne of a miserable situation. If you are unhappy, your husband refuses to get help with you, talk to you about your feelings and concerns, ignore your needs, well IMO do what you need to make you and your kids happy.
Im so sorry you are in this situation
I hope something work outs.
Posted by happyflower on December 3, 2005, at 12:23:56
In reply to Re: That is really great !!! » happyflower, posted by rainbowbrite on December 3, 2005, at 11:45:08
Thanks Rainbow,
Yes, things are really hard, I don't know if he is having an affair or not or if he did and isn't now. He won't talk to me about it. The only reason I do know about the other women is that one night I got my DH liquired up and he told me about what almost happened. This women came onto him durning a business trip. He refused and she got embarrest or mad and quit. Well one day I was picking up my DH from work and out they walked together talking. He didn't tell me she was working there again. I thought they were friends only, but she has feelings for him. I just don't know where his feelings are.Thanks for your post and support, how are you doing by the way? :)
Posted by rainbowbrite on December 4, 2005, at 8:17:20
In reply to Re: That is really great !!! » rainbowbrite, posted by happyflower on December 3, 2005, at 12:23:56
> Thanks Rainbow,
> Yes, things are really hard, I don't know if he is having an affair or not or if he did and isn't now. He won't talk to me about it. The only reason I do know about the other women is that one night I got my DH liquired up and he told me about what almost happened. This women came onto him durning a business trip. He refused and she got embarrest or mad and quit. Well one day I was picking up my DH from work and out they walked together talking. He didn't tell me she was working there again. I thought they were friends only, but she has feelings for him. I just don't know where his feelings are.yeah, um thats not good, he might be being truthful but... sorry HF :-(
>
> Thanks for your post and support, how are you doing by the way? :)Im good thanks. Busy studying :-P
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