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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
To my therapist,
Once again we feel mutually misunderstood.
I reveal something, usually something that can be interpreted as a criticism of you, whether or not I intend it as such.
You say things that hurt me, whether or not you intend to hurt me.
I withdraw.
You, I’m not sure why, perhaps you see my hurt, usually by the next session take steps to try to reconnect, to reassure me.
I, unable to bear the rift between us, gratefully accept whatever reconciliation you offer.
Until the next issue/revelation comes along and we repeat the whole cycle again and again.
Knowing as little as I do, I might think that this is the way therapy works.
I just have to be more careful what I tell you.
I just have to survive the rifts.
I just have to try not to withdraw so deep into my hole, not build the wall so high.
So I can crawl out when it feels safe.But because I’ve been on this Babble site, I know that therapy doesn’t have to be like that.
So what is going on with mine?
As usual, I have been, and still am, inclined to blame myself.
I’m just not capable of doing this.
I don’t know how to attach, to connect to another human being.
I am not smart enough.
Etc, etc, etc.However, for this letter’s sake, let’s assume it’s not me, but it’s you.
What is wrong with you?
I know that you have plenty of experience. You’ve told me that and I believe you so it’s not lack of experience.
I know that you are a very good, caring person. My strong survival instincts can smell out ill intentions better than any bomb-sniffing dog and there’s not a whiff of bad about you.
So I think that it is one of two things:
You like me too much.
You like me too little.
You like me too much.
If that is the case, considering that makes you unique in all the world, anything is bearable and forgivable.
Can I make some suggestions though?
Some ideas that might make it a bit easier for me to hang in there and do this work?
Please try not to take everything I say as a criticism.
There are many parts to me, and even if one part is not feeling particularly enamored of you at a certain point or around a certain issue, there are many parts who at that same time are in desperate need of you.
Please don’t withdraw behind your crossed arms, crossed legs.
Can we try to partially bridge, even with a very flimsy structure, any rifts before the session is over?
It’s hard to suffer through a whole week thinking that you hate me.You like me too little.
For the longest time, I assumed that this was true.
Until recently, I was just waiting for you to get fed up enough to terminate me.
I figured it was just some sense of obligation, some idea about job ethics that hindered you.
But please, please, if liking too little is the case, do terminate me.
It is the most humane action.
You can refer me if you’d like.
You can give me a couple of weeks notice so all the parts have their last say.
But please terminate me.
I will be sad, but I won’t be suicidal.
You have already helped me a lot and I will remember that.Another issue.
Babble – this site.
This is my only means of support.
Caring happens here. I’m not sure how or why but it does.
I have my suspicions, I hope unfounded, that you are reading here.
If you are, then you have probably read responses that are critical of you.
Some of it is in fun.
Most of it is in earnest and shows the caring and support I do have here.
But please do not let Babble drive us further into the criticism/defense cycle.
Obviously no one, certainly not I, and perhaps not even you, understand all the dynamics behind our relationship.Also, please never reveal to me that you have read here.
Not even if you terminate me.
This place is very important to me and it will be forever changed if I know that you are lurking.
Posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 10:19:08
In reply to To My Therapist, posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
Hi Cricket,
I hope you take that post to him. Don't you think he really needs to keep his professionalism and be able to handle whatever you are feeling w/o hurting you? I do. If he's hurting you, or taking it personally, then he's letting his issues get in the way of YOUR therapy, and that's not fair to you. If your on that cycle of telling, getting hurt, withdrawling, ... then how are you ever supposed to heal? It seems like you'd spend so much time trying to recover from being retraumatized that it would be too hard to get on with your own stuff.
I hope he reads it, and takes it as "constructive criticism". What you've said is so from the heart, how could anyone not be touched? And you are VERY smart, that's obvious from what you say and how you say it.
((((hugs))))
fw
Posted by muffled on October 13, 2005, at 11:17:40
In reply to To My Therapist, posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
Thats so well written cricket. Beautiful writing, good thinking. Wow. Thank-you SO much for sharing it. Manoman. Let us know how it goes.
Muffled
Posted by Tamar on October 13, 2005, at 16:12:54
In reply to To My Therapist, posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
Wow, cricket, what an amazing post!
Do you think… that you really have to take this to him?
If your suspicions are correct and he is lurking, it might well become obvious now that you have posted this. If you don’t want to know whether he lurks, perhaps the best course of action is to head him off at the pass by raising this before he can give himself away.
If he isn’t lurking, then I think he needs to read this!
I think it will help him to hear that you need him. I also think it will help if he realises just how hard you’re working to connect, despite all the misunderstandings.
If you decide to give this to him, I think it’s very likely that he won’t discuss his feelings for you. He won’t admit liking you too much or too little. And that might be frustrating and feel like another misunderstanding. But whatever the discussion about it, I really hope he will come to a better understanding of your perception of therapy, and it should make a difference to his practice.
I think it’s a wonderful letter.
Tamar
Posted by orchid on October 13, 2005, at 16:23:11
In reply to To My Therapist, posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
It is a nice letter.
Though, I have some concerns.
Usually, trying to get your T to say to you what he feels for you - likes you or not, will result in frustration and more confusion for you. They won't tell you most likely and will give you a non commital answer.
It will lead only to further analysis and frustration on your part.
Also, trying to get if your T lurks here from his mouth is not a good idea. I am pretty sure that most therapists don't come here. And even if he comes, he might visit only occassionally - maybe once in a few months and may not even know who you are!!. Plus, I think even if he does come here and reads he won't admit it to you.
Posted by Poet on October 13, 2005, at 18:13:02
In reply to To My Therapist, posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
Hi Cricket,
I would edit out any references to babble and give it to your T unless you are certain he wouldn't check out your posts.
My T has promised me she will never try to find my posts, but to be safe I never mention babble or Dr. Bob. I trust her, but still take that precaution. If I wanted her to read anything I would print it out and bring it to her.
Just a thought.
The letter is great. I hope you share it with your T. He needs to know how you are feeling.
Posted by daisym on October 13, 2005, at 19:25:49
In reply to To My Therapist, posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
I was touched by your letter. It is so obvious that you care very much for your therapist. I think he will honor your caring and trust, if you take in the letter. The fact that he reflects on past sessions and wants to repair things tells me that he cares about you. I bet he has said as much too.
Good luck and let us know how it goes if you share.
Posted by Dinah on October 13, 2005, at 20:16:44
In reply to To My Therapist, posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
Hey sweet Cricket.
I went through this cycle a lot with my therapist. And I still go through it, though a lot less often because he's really secure in how much I care about him. Maybe too secure, but that's another story.
And it's because he's a defensive person. For whatever reasons of his own, he feels like he needs to defend himself about anything he perceives as criticism. Either that or fold his arms and cut himself off, which is worse.
It's not me, it's him.
And realizing that gives me a lot more patience and understanding to work with it. Once you gain a certain distance by realizing it's the other person, it's much easier to deal with it because you don't get drawn into the drama.
I'm not in the room with you, and it's probably not black and white. It isn't even with my therapist because I do say critical things of him. But I think you can probably assume that at least a good part of it is him. And maybe that will help you stay calm the next time it happens and analyze it? I don't know. Maybe that's an unhealthy coping technique, but I do it all the time. "Hey, when I said xxxx, you did yyyyyy. What were you thinking when you did yyyyy. Why did you do that? Please stop. I don't like it." Ooops. I guess that's being critical of him again. But it's worked surprisingly well and it usually surprises and amuses my therapist out of his defensive posture.
Posted by Susan47 on October 13, 2005, at 21:14:58
In reply to To My Therapist, posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
Wow.
I'm really really happy, glad, elated, that I don't have to worry about what He thinks, anymore.
I just don't care anymore, and it's a relief.
Finally, I'm his equal.
Maybe even better than him.
Because at least, I was always trying to be honest with myself.
I was even brutally honest.
I don't think he could say the same about himself.
Thank God I'm out of the emotional turmoil of that type of "therapy".
God, I feel for you, Cricket.
Sincerely,
Susan
Posted by Susan47 on October 13, 2005, at 21:17:49
In reply to To My Therapist, posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
P.S.
Don't think you won't be suicidal. You might be, if (s)he terminates you. It's a mistake to try to be too strong.
Posted by kerria on October 14, 2005, at 10:43:02
In reply to To My Therapist, posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
Hi Cricket,
your message to your T is so good- it's so difficult to do therapy for trauma when you're in pieces and every part has a different way of looking at everything that a therapist says and does. i have absolutely no idea what is true about the way i see my T or not true, it's all in parts - i can never see the whole picture. Especially this happens at therapy because we don't have a 'therapy part', there is no one part that goes to the job of therapy so all parts get involved.
Your relationship with your T is so good i think- so much better than mine because the main things are right- like you recognize that T is trying to help you mend afterwards- that's a good thing- and that he likes you. The relationship is so complicated and i go through that same cycles every session with my T only i don't think that he likes me or cares about me and i just go on because i hope that i'm wrong- i'm always wrong about everything , at least partly.
i come to Babble and read about your relationship with your T and compare and think that my T doesn't care about me like that and i feel very guilty also about things that i write about him here.
Sometimes i feel justified though about the negative things that i write about my T because he doesn't try to help the situation by being kind and helping me as much as i need to feel safe, that he's on my side. Still, if anyone writes negative things about my T then i get defensive of him. It's one of those things that are always a mess (my brain stops thinking at the mess border, does yours also?).
If i don't hear any responses to my pain in support groups i won't anywhere, i won't hear any 'i'm sorrys' that matter from T.
Maybe some persons with DID are just too hurt to take in any positive statements of caring- maybe we shut everything out and the caring stuff is part of it.
The T relationship is so unequal. We're way more hurt than Ts could ever help. Our Ts are not that wounded, they're not in pieces and every day having to endure all the craziness and the painful misunderstandings. Their lives are together and happy. They have support. They have somewhere to turn if therapy isn't successful.
We have a lot more to lose in the relationship. It's so hard.(((((((Cricket and all inside)))))))
(((((((my parts)))))))
Posted by cricket on October 14, 2005, at 14:47:36
In reply to Re: To My Therapist » cricket, posted by fairywings on October 13, 2005, at 10:19:08
Posted by cricket on October 17, 2005, at 7:41:51
In reply to Re: To My Therapist » cricket, posted by Tamar on October 13, 2005, at 16:12:54
> If your suspicions are correct and he is lurking, it might well become obvious now that you have posted this. If you don’t want to know whether he lurks, perhaps the best course of action is to head him off at the pass by raising this before he can give himself away.
>
Yes, I hadn't thought about that. It's so hard for me to go in there to talk about anything at all.
> If he isn’t lurking, then I think he needs to read this!
>
> I think it will help him to hear that you need him. I also think it will help if he realises just how hard you’re working to connect, despite all the misunderstandings.
>
> If you decide to give this to him, I think it’s very likely that he won’t discuss his feelings for you. He won’t admit liking you too much or too little. And that might be frustrating and feel like another misunderstanding. But whatever the discussion about it, I really hope he will come to a better understanding of your perception of therapy, and it should make a difference to his practice.
>
Thanks Tamar. It's actually prefereable to me right now if he doesn't discuss his feelings for me. It makes me very uncomfortable. Actually if they were negative feelings that might be okay. I could handle that. But positive ones make me want to flee. I know that probably doesn't make any sense.
>
>
>
>
Posted by cricket on October 17, 2005, at 7:49:20
In reply to Re: To My Therapist » cricket, posted by orchid on October 13, 2005, at 16:23:11
Hi Orchid,
Thanks for your concerns.
I think though that therapy with someone very avoidant like me is different from therapy with people more secure in their attachments. My therapist has told me he cares in very clear words and would probably tell me more often if he thought I could handle it.
As far as Babble is concerned, I sure hope you are right that he just doesn't have the time or inclination to be here. However if he is here, I think it would be very obvious who I am. I have given much too explicit, at times word by word descriptions, of our sessions.And if he has been here, it's the very last thing I want to know. In fact, right now, I am considering not posting anymore. It feels too risky at this point.
Posted by cricket on October 17, 2005, at 7:50:24
In reply to Re: To My Therapist » cricket, posted by Poet on October 13, 2005, at 18:13:02
Thanks Poet. I hope I have the courage to talk about some of this tomorrow.
Posted by cricket on October 17, 2005, at 7:52:35
In reply to Re: To My Therapist » cricket, posted by daisym on October 13, 2005, at 19:25:49
Hi daisy,
Yes, he has said he cares and I believe him on that point.
However, I may well be more than he wants to take on at this point in his life. That's what I am afraid of.
Posted by cricket on October 17, 2005, at 8:00:01
In reply to Re: To My Therapist » cricket, posted by Dinah on October 13, 2005, at 20:16:44
Hi Dinah,
You are in my thoughts a lot these days. I hope things are slowly looking up.
> And it's because he's a defensive person. For whatever reasons of his own, he feels like he needs to defend himself about anything he perceives as criticism. Either that or fold his arms and cut himself off, which is worse.
>
> It's not me, it's him.
>
Yeah. That's how I feel about my therapist. I am not sure how much is my perception and how much is his actions but it still hurts.> And realizing that gives me a lot more patience and understanding to work with it. Once you gain a certain distance by realizing it's the other person, it's much easier to deal with it because you don't get drawn into the drama.
>
> I'm not in the room with you, and it's probably not black and white. It isn't even with my therapist because I do say critical things of him. But I think you can probably assume that at least a good part of it is him. And maybe that will help you stay calm the next time it happens and analyze it? I don't know. Maybe that's an unhealthy coping technique, but I do it all the time. "Hey, when I said xxxx, you did yyyyyy. What were you thinking when you did yyyyy. Why did you do that? Please stop. I don't like it." Ooops. I guess that's being critical of him again. But it's worked surprisingly well and it usually surprises and amuses my therapist out of his defensive posture.Yes, you are right. I wish I could amuse my therapist. I think a little levity is needed.
Your words make a lot of sense and I will try to stop engaging in the drama. I have felt a bit more detached from it this time around than I have in the past.
Posted by cricket on October 17, 2005, at 8:02:22
In reply to Re: To My Therapist » cricket, posted by Susan47 on October 13, 2005, at 21:17:49
> P.S.
> Don't think you won't be suicidal. You might be, if (s)he terminates you. It's a mistake to try to be too strong.Well I don't know. But right now I think relief would be a big part of what I would feel.
And more financially secure. That's for sure.
Posted by cricket on October 17, 2005, at 8:10:28
In reply to Re: To My Therapist » cricket, posted by kerria on October 14, 2005, at 10:43:02
> Hi Cricket,
>
> your message to your T is so good- it's so difficult to do therapy for trauma when you're in pieces and every part has a different way of looking at everything that a therapist says and does. i have absolutely no idea what is true about the way i see my T or not true, it's all in parts - i can never see the whole picture. Especially this happens at therapy because we don't have a 'therapy part', there is no one part that goes to the job of therapy so all parts get involved.
>
You're absolutely right Kerria. I think that's why it is all so complicated.> Your relationship with your T is so good i think- so much better than mine because the main things are right- like you recognize that T is trying to help you mend afterwards- that's a good thing- and that he likes you. The relationship is so complicated and i go through that same cycles every session with my T only i don't think that he likes me or cares about me and i just go on because i hope that i'm wrong- i'm always wrong about everything , at least partly.
>
I know you think that but it's so hard for us on this side to see or know. I do know that you're sounding better. I am so glad that you got that pain under control.> i come to Babble and read about your relationship with your T and compare and think that my T doesn't care about me like that and i feel very guilty also about things that i write about him here.
>
> Sometimes i feel justified though about the negative things that i write about my T because he doesn't try to help the situation by being kind and helping me as much as i need to feel safe, that he's on my side. Still, if anyone writes negative things about my T then i get defensive of him. It's one of those things that are always a mess (my brain stops thinking at the mess border, does yours also?).
>
Yes :-) it does. It's hard.> If i don't hear any responses to my pain in support groups i won't anywhere, i won't hear any 'i'm sorrys' that matter from T.
>
Well we are always here to support you so I hope that helps.> Maybe some persons with DID are just too hurt to take in any positive statements of caring- maybe we shut everything out and the caring stuff is part of it.
>
Yes, I think that is part of it. It is very hard for me to hear caring, to believe caring. I am trying hard not to shut it all out though. Unfortunately even as I say this I know I have done that this week. I've shut down any positive image of my therapist, any positive words. He's back at zero again this week. Imagine how hard it must be for them to start from scratch each week.> The T relationship is so unequal. We're way more hurt than Ts could ever help. Our Ts are not that wounded, they're not in pieces and every day having to endure all the craziness and the painful misunderstandings. Their lives are together and happy. They have support. They have somewhere to turn if therapy isn't successful.
> We have a lot more to lose in the relationship. It's so hard.
>
Yes, you're right Kerria. I wish there were some other options. For both of us.> (((((((Cricket and all inside)))))))
>
> (((((((my parts)))))))
>
>
(((((Kerria))))))
Posted by Tamar on October 19, 2005, at 16:55:07
In reply to Re: To My Therapist » Tamar, posted by cricket on October 17, 2005, at 7:41:51
> Thanks Tamar. It's actually prefereable to me right now if he doesn't discuss his feelings for me. It makes me very uncomfortable. Actually if they were negative feelings that might be okay. I could handle that. But positive ones make me want to flee. I know that probably doesn't make any sense.
I think it makes a lot of sense to want to flee. At least, I think I can identify with it. I’m sure I was both desperate for my therapist’s approval and at the same time desperate to push him away. It seemed somehow dangerous to think that he might have positive feelings about me. I guess for me the anxiety was all about whether a positive view of me could be maintained. I worried, “If he liked me last week, perhaps I’ll say something this week to make him stop liking me.”
I think eventually, after enough time goes by, it might become possible to believe he’ll continue to care about you, whatever you say. But it does take a long time…
Tamar
This is the end of the thread.
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