Posted by cricket on October 13, 2005, at 8:53:44
To my therapist,
Once again we feel mutually misunderstood.
I reveal something, usually something that can be interpreted as a criticism of you, whether or not I intend it as such.
You say things that hurt me, whether or not you intend to hurt me.
I withdraw.
You, I’m not sure why, perhaps you see my hurt, usually by the next session take steps to try to reconnect, to reassure me.
I, unable to bear the rift between us, gratefully accept whatever reconciliation you offer.
Until the next issue/revelation comes along and we repeat the whole cycle again and again.
Knowing as little as I do, I might think that this is the way therapy works.
I just have to be more careful what I tell you.
I just have to survive the rifts.
I just have to try not to withdraw so deep into my hole, not build the wall so high.
So I can crawl out when it feels safe.But because I’ve been on this Babble site, I know that therapy doesn’t have to be like that.
So what is going on with mine?
As usual, I have been, and still am, inclined to blame myself.
I’m just not capable of doing this.
I don’t know how to attach, to connect to another human being.
I am not smart enough.
Etc, etc, etc.However, for this letter’s sake, let’s assume it’s not me, but it’s you.
What is wrong with you?
I know that you have plenty of experience. You’ve told me that and I believe you so it’s not lack of experience.
I know that you are a very good, caring person. My strong survival instincts can smell out ill intentions better than any bomb-sniffing dog and there’s not a whiff of bad about you.
So I think that it is one of two things:
You like me too much.
You like me too little.
You like me too much.
If that is the case, considering that makes you unique in all the world, anything is bearable and forgivable.
Can I make some suggestions though?
Some ideas that might make it a bit easier for me to hang in there and do this work?
Please try not to take everything I say as a criticism.
There are many parts to me, and even if one part is not feeling particularly enamored of you at a certain point or around a certain issue, there are many parts who at that same time are in desperate need of you.
Please don’t withdraw behind your crossed arms, crossed legs.
Can we try to partially bridge, even with a very flimsy structure, any rifts before the session is over?
It’s hard to suffer through a whole week thinking that you hate me.You like me too little.
For the longest time, I assumed that this was true.
Until recently, I was just waiting for you to get fed up enough to terminate me.
I figured it was just some sense of obligation, some idea about job ethics that hindered you.
But please, please, if liking too little is the case, do terminate me.
It is the most humane action.
You can refer me if you’d like.
You can give me a couple of weeks notice so all the parts have their last say.
But please terminate me.
I will be sad, but I won’t be suicidal.
You have already helped me a lot and I will remember that.Another issue.
Babble – this site.
This is my only means of support.
Caring happens here. I’m not sure how or why but it does.
I have my suspicions, I hope unfounded, that you are reading here.
If you are, then you have probably read responses that are critical of you.
Some of it is in fun.
Most of it is in earnest and shows the caring and support I do have here.
But please do not let Babble drive us further into the criticism/defense cycle.
Obviously no one, certainly not I, and perhaps not even you, understand all the dynamics behind our relationship.Also, please never reveal to me that you have read here.
Not even if you terminate me.
This place is very important to me and it will be forever changed if I know that you are lurking.
poster:cricket
thread:566417
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051008/msgs/566417.html