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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 19:35:12
I wish we have the same power to hurt our therapists.. like how they hurt us. To have the same capacity to wreak havoc in their lives.. to make them suffer and cry and make them bitter and sad.. just like how they do to us so carelessly..
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 19:38:31
In reply to I wish we have the same power.., posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 19:35:12
It is so bad of me isn't it? Well I don't care.. I want to be bad. I got nothing by being Good. All I ended up getting was the worst of the deals.. For a change, I am going to be a jerk hereafter. I have got nothing by being good and understanding and caring and affectionate. All I ended up getting was being used, trampled upon, and beaten up and always ended up playing second fiddle. Well it stops right now.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 19:39:40
In reply to Re: I wish we have the same power..*trigger* » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 19:38:31
People are jerks, and you are better off when you are a jerk yourself.
Posted by cricket on July 20, 2005, at 19:55:26
In reply to I wish we have the same power.., posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 19:35:12
Oh Pinkeye,
I think that you are just playing "bad." I know that you believe that karma is infallible, just as I do.
I think that you are just suffering with everything going on in your life.
I hope you feel better soon.
Have you considered staying in this country? Just letting your husband go back to India and you stay here and make a life for yourself? You have a decent job, right?
Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 19:55:46
In reply to I wish we have the same power.., posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 19:35:12
I don't.
Even though I hurt myself because I was angry, the anger and the hurting myself had to do with being enraged in not being able to communicate how bad I was really feeling. At not being taken seriously. At having things that were important to me dismissed. At maybe him not caring as much as I do.
I genuinely love the stupid guy. As my therapist mommy, perhaps, but I still love him no matter how big an idiot he might be.
I want him to listen and understand. I don't want to actually hurt him.
If he were to terminate me, I think the anger and the acting out would be the same. An attempt to communicate, not an attempt to harm him.
Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 19:59:53
In reply to I wish we have the same power.., posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 19:35:12
I hear how much you are hurting, and I care very much that you are hurting.
I wish I could make it go away, but I can't.
I can offer to give you a cyberhug and sit with you so that we won't feel hurt and angry alone.
((((Pinkeye))))
I do know that it's not ok.
But I also know it can be ok someday again.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:02:25
In reply to Just in case it will help » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on July 20, 2005, at 19:59:53
I hear you Dinah and Cricket. But I am done with being the good person. Hereafter, I am not going to be good - not to anyone in my life. IT is not about hurting. I am done with all the hurting. Hereafter, only other poeple are going to hurt because of me. I did this once long back when I initially got married.. and I should have continued that way, but my ex T intervened. I am going to go back to the same place. It is no use trying to be good.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:04:22
In reply to I want to be really bad., posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:02:25
Espeically to men in my life. They are not worth the ****. I hate them. All of them. each and every one of them. I like women much better - they are more decent.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:15:35
In reply to Re: I want to be really bad. » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:04:22
Now I understand what was wrong with me all these years.. I was just too good. That is why I ended up suffering all the time. I have been trying hard to accommodate every body around me, trying to cover their problems, working double hard and extra hard, never complained.. that is why I had been very unhappy. The only time I was ever little bit of a jerk was in my marriage in the first year, but even that, was in response to some extreme stupidities on my husband's part. And I was jsut so stupid, that I didn't even tell my ex T about things my husband did at that time. I took all the blame for everything. And I worked so very hard to correct myself. I didn't tell my ex T how my husband put me through so much of torture at that time.. I ended up taking all the blame.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:27:35
In reply to I understood the problem with me.., posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:15:35
And all along, I set way too high standards for myself.. And I kept blaming myself, and torturing myself, and set such low standards for people around me - for my dad, for my husband. I would never have forgiven myself, if I had behaved like any of them. But I try to forgave them again and again and tried to put myself in their shoes and understand them, and empathize with them.
REally, if I had had a son, past 10 - 12 years, and if I ever asked him to sleep hugging me and put his legs and arms around me, and sleep on top of me etc, I would never have forgiven myself. But I forgave my father for doing that to me, everyday even till I was 20. And he had the guts to suggest that I should not ever break away from him, that I shouldn't try to keep any secrets even with my husband from him. I forgave him for all that. And my husband is another category.. I should never have taken his sh*t about the cult he was involved in.. He had the audactiy to change everything about me and control me - from what I ate, to what I dressed, to how I cooked, to whether I ate out or not, to if I saw in movies or not.. He had the guts to even take away novels that I was reading and throw it in the dustbin because he didn't approve of it. And I put up with all that. He even had the guts to suggest you should not have sex between husbands and wives, that it is a sin, and I took even that. What crap he gave me, and I took all of it.
Posted by cricket on July 20, 2005, at 20:32:30
In reply to I want to be really bad., posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:02:25
Pinkeye,
I do understand why you are angry. It's been extremely hard for you all your life. I know. I have been there too.
But don't seek others's misery as a means to happiness.
It doesn't work. Believe me.
All that anger has tremendous energy. Can you just feel it and think about transforming it into something wonderful for yourself, for all others who are suffering as you are.
Think about it.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:34:21
In reply to Re: I want to be really bad. » pinkeye, posted by cricket on July 20, 2005, at 20:32:30
I am not seeking other's misery. But I am not going to let anyone get away with making me miserable.
Posted by Poet on July 20, 2005, at 20:35:18
In reply to I want to be really bad., posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:02:25
Hi pinkeye,
I always end up hating myself more, but that's me. I blame myself for things that I know weren't my fault. I inflict guilt and shame on myself.
It's okay to be bad, mad and sad, as long as you don't wind up feeling bad, mad and sad about and at yourself.
Poet
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:51:59
In reply to Re: I understood the problem with me.. » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:27:35
Now I understand why I always had such poor self esteem.. Why I was so dependant on men.. It was because I thought of myself as a zero and them as 100.. I thought of me as completely wrong always, and thought they are right always. That is why I had such poor self esteem.. I didn't give credit to myself at all.. and instead gave it all away. REally, even with my ex T, I took all the responsiblilty for my therapy.. I went out of the way to help myself.. I sought advise, read, worked on myself, and he guided me.. but I didn't take any credit for my improvement myself and gave all the 100 % credit to him. I have been doing this all along in my life. I really thought whatever I ended up doing was because of my father's efforts. Well, no, I did it in spite of the problems my father caused me. I should have really given myself much more credit.
This sounds arrogant, but I should become little more arrogant.. I should not be so meek and timid.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 21:01:30
In reply to Re: I understood the problem with me.. » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 20:51:59
I have been taking so much of b*llshit from everyone, and listening to everything everyone is saying and trying to make sense out of it, and I didn't trust my own thinking.. I should have really listened to myself all along. I should have given me more credit than I ever gave.. I should have stood up for myself..
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 21:12:52
In reply to Re: I understood the problem with me.. » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 21:01:30
And it is actually a quite bad thing to do - because in addition to my suffering, it stops the other person from growing. If I had told my father Stop, he would have ended up beign a much nicer person today. And if I had told my ex T how much all this was hurting me, and how his lack of response and not taking me seriously affected me long back, he would have become a better T long back. Instead I kept silent, and took all of it silently, and kept hurting, and now I am exploding. And they didn't benefit either, and I didn't benefit either.
Posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 21:15:27
In reply to Re: I understood the problem with me.. » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 21:12:52
If I had respected myself more, I would have terminated with my ex T long back myself once I found that he was busy to respond to me as much as I needed. I would have gone to someone here, and would have worked through my transference much better, and I could have terminated smoothly with my ex T, and I could have remained on social terms with him, instead of just waiting for things to get out of hand and spoiling everything.
Posted by rabidreader on July 21, 2005, at 19:41:09
In reply to Re: I understood the problem with me.. » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on July 20, 2005, at 21:15:27
I think standing up for yourslef is a d*** good thing. Stopping pain and hurt in your life is not being bad. Although I truly understand the impulses to be bad, unruly, and even cruel.
This is the end of the thread.
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