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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jazzed on June 16, 2005, at 22:53:25
Some of you might remember that I went to a new T a week or so ago, don't even remember how long ago. Anyway, he pissed me off so much that I couldn't stop thinking about a lot of the things he said, and realized he was right about most of what he said. Some of the being pissed off was because of the way he said it, and some of it was because I didn't like him as a person - his manner. Anyway, I told my p-doc that it wasn't a good fit, and that I wasn't going back to him. But today I thought maybe I should go back, maybe he does have something to teach me, maybe I should give him a 2nd chance but I thought I should tell him how much he pissed me off, and see how he responds to that.He told me how to go about disciplining our kids, and it seemed pretty "harda**" to me. I don't want to be that way with our kids, but he's right, the kids don't listen to me until I yell, and yelling stresses me out. I also feel bad if I don't let them do what they want to do because they haven't done their chores. The T's theory was, you didn't do what you were told, so don't ask me for anything. And then, of course, reward the good behavior. He also said it was irrational to say I wasn't tired. I took offense at that because I didn't want to admit I was tired, and also didn't appreciate being called irrational. The session went like that, and I couldn't wait to get out of there, but now I'm thinking I need to go back. Now what?!
My initial opinion of this guy was that he was abrasive, rude - his phone buzzed twice and he checked it both times, and he and his office were a total MESS! I just don't know why I'm considering going back!?! Any ideas? Should I go back and give it a 2nd try? Should I find someone else and forget it? I'll feel really stupid explaining this to my p-doc after I JUST told him I wouldn't go back.
Jazzy
Posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:22:48
In reply to How could I think of doing this?!, posted by Jazzed on June 16, 2005, at 22:53:25
You are thinking of going back because there was some truth in what he said and you need support and help. BUT there are lots of therapists who can be supportive without being abrasive. I strongly suggest you listen to your gut and meet with some other therapists before you go back. If you don't find someone else, that option remains.
This might be a little bit of "the devil you know vs. the devil you don't." It is so, so hard to get started and very scary. Which is why most people stay with therapists who aren't a good match for longer than they should. Who wants to tell their story over and over again?
Did you pdoc give you another referral?
Posted by Shortelise on June 17, 2005, at 1:47:04
In reply to How could I think of doing this?!, posted by Jazzed on June 16, 2005, at 22:53:25
Jazzed, honestly, he sounded like a menace. Please do try to be patient and find someone who is a little more ... well ... sane, maybe. Ok, so he did have a good point or two, and let me tell you any good fortune teller can hit some things on the money after a few minutes with a person. That doesn't mean it's any good.
I am losing my mind at the moment so bear with me, but your first impression of this guy was that he was poison. If it were my state of mind at risk, I would NOT go back to him. Maybe you're just feeling desperate?
((jazzed))
Posted by Jazzed on June 17, 2005, at 5:35:32
In reply to Re: How could I think of doing this?! » Jazzed, posted by daisym on June 17, 2005, at 0:22:48
>
> Did you pdoc give you another referral?Thanks Daisy,
Unfortunately, no. This guy is the only T in the office accepting new patients. Most of the T are women, and I really prefer a man. I think there are only 2 men T's in the office. Will have to see if there's a wait list for the other.
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 17, 2005, at 5:46:20
In reply to Re: How could I think of doing this?! » Jazzed, posted by Shortelise on June 17, 2005, at 1:47:04
Maybe you're just feeling desperate?
>
> ((jazzed))
>
>Thanks shortE, sorry you're going through so much right now! As far as me, I don't think I"m feeling desparate. I know what you mean about my first impression of this guy. That's why I was feeling confounded. To even think of going back to him seemed "irrational", BUT.....I don't know. I think well, I guess there's little risk of me falling for him that's good. He's a man, which I prefer in a T. The p-doc said he was smart, and he knows more about him than I do. Maybe he was trying to piss me off - I won't know that unless I give it another go. BUT, if I do go back, I'll tell him what I thought of him, the way he approached things, and of how the last session went, and that I'm not going to continue if I leave the office feeling the way I did last time. Does that make any sense.
I guess in a way I don't want to have to go hunt another T down, and I'd like to stay in the same office, it just makes it simpler for me. Lazy? Yep. Rational? Probably not. Oh well.
Jazzy
Posted by Dinah on June 17, 2005, at 7:04:49
In reply to Re: How could I think of doing this?! » daisym, posted by Jazzed on June 17, 2005, at 5:35:32
A good fit is more important than being in the same office. I'd call around to your internist, and ask your pdoc for other recommendations, and interview potential therapists like you would an employee. Given the intimate situation you will be in, it seems a good expenditure to find a therapist who fits well with you.
I can't tolerate abrasive for more than a couple of days.
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 8:37:59
In reply to Re: How could I think of doing this?! » Jazzed, posted by Dinah on June 17, 2005, at 7:04:49
Hi Jazzy!
(((((hugs)))) You know I agree with the others about this guy. You must be in a very small town to have only this one office of options.
What I find weird about this guy is that you got into so much stuff on the first visit. I thought the 1st visit was just for each other to get to know each other.
My T said to me that he couldn't say to me I was being critical of him until he earned some brownie points with me and started to trust him and his judgements. If we would of spouted off this in our first visits I would I taken offensive to it and left him thinking he was being rude and a jerk. I think hearing anything critical from someone is hard and if it is coming from someone who is suppose to help you, what do they know, they don't even know you yet.
I do agree with what he said about you and your kids. Dr. Phil's book is good to read about positive parenting. I do this, and yes it is very hard, but it works! How old are your kids Jazzy? I am sorry I forgot :( I think the most importatant parenting thing is to be consistant ALWAYS.
I think it might be worth it looking outside of your town for a T . There are so many T's and I am sure you can do better than this guy. Good Luck!
Posted by cricket on June 17, 2005, at 10:34:58
In reply to How could I think of doing this?!, posted by Jazzed on June 16, 2005, at 22:53:25
Hi Jazzed,
I have to say that I agree with most others on this thread. The guy seemed creepy when you first described him.
However, I am wondering if sometimes you do that with other people. Do you sometimes find someone offputting and then on a second try find that you like them more? If that's the case and you're recognizing the pattern I'd say "good for you" and give him one more shot.
Posted by Jazzed on June 17, 2005, at 12:43:00
In reply to Re: How could I think of doing this?!, posted by cricket on June 17, 2005, at 10:34:58
Thanks Dinah, happyflower, and cricket. I saw him today, when my son had an appt. with his counselor. I didn't have an appt., just saw him in the office. So far I haven't made an appt.
Dinah, the reason the same office was important to me is that I have trouble remembering stuff. I'm kind of flaky sometimes. Since we have so many of us with various appts. it would be simpler for me. I also, think, as I say to Happy, maybe I would be better off with someone I'm not crazy about. I really don't want to form an attachment that's difficult to break.
Happy, Actually we're in a large-ish city, and this isn't the only T office, just the one we happen to go to. They specialize in ADD. My kids are between the ages of 2 and 14. ARGH! I know we should be consistent, and I am working on it, it's a constant struggle for both my husband and myself. The older ones have figured out that I'm not always consistent, which is not a good thing. We have work to do.
I think the reason so much came out the first appt. is because it was CBT kind of work, which I would guess a lot of it could be. The discipline, the self esteem, the anxiety. I think it's his style to just come out with it, which is fine with me. I REALLY don't want to get enmeshed with someone, so maybe someone like this would be better? I really like my p-docs style, he doesn't do therapy, and he's a little too perceptive for me, but I like his manner. The two are like night and day.
Cricket, I'm not sure what made me think that this might be worth a 2nd chance. I guess because he made me SO mad that I had to think about a lot of what he said, and had to come to terms with the fact that he was right about most of it. Even if I didn't want to hear it. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
Oh well, who knows?!
Jazzy
Posted by Dinah on June 17, 2005, at 13:34:20
In reply to Re: How could I think of doing this?!, posted by Jazzed on June 17, 2005, at 12:43:00
You know yourself best. Some people seem to flourish with insightful but abrasive therapists. I suppose otherwise there wouldn't be any.
I need my truths sandwiched between validations and garnished with humor. But not everyone is me.
Posted by Tamar on June 17, 2005, at 17:43:37
In reply to How could I think of doing this?!, posted by Jazzed on June 16, 2005, at 22:53:25
I dunno. I thought your description of him after your first meeting was pretty clear - I really got the impression you didn't like him.
I'm just wondering if you want therapy very much and you've met this therapist and so you find it easier to imagine going back to him than trying out a few others.
I suppose you could give him a second chance. I guess if you do, it might be helpful to decide in advance what you hope to get out of the session, and see if that's what you get.
Good luck, whatever you decide!
Tamar
Posted by Jazzed on June 17, 2005, at 20:19:48
In reply to Re: How could I think of doing this?! » Jazzed, posted by Tamar on June 17, 2005, at 17:43:37
Thanks Dinah and Tamar!I really do appreciate your input. I hope my huge flip flop doesn't seem totally irrational to everyone, but hasn't anyone ever made you mad, and then later, after thinking about it, you realized that, even though you didn't like hearing it, they were right?
Dinah,I know what you mean but I think I'll feel more confident with my ability to stay neutral with this guy and speak my mind right from the get go.
I'm so afraid of becoming emotionally attached and not being able to accomplish anything in therapy because of being overwhelmed with my feelings for a T. I don't want this, and yet this is the way I tend to be. So maybe the less I like him, the better off I'll be.
Tamar:> I dunno. I thought your description of him after your first meeting was pretty clear - I really got the impression you didn't like him.
I didn't like him at all! That's what's so weird about it. BUT, he made me mad and he made me think! Then I thought, well maybe I need to be mad. Maybe it's not so bad being mad. I really don't think he meant to make me mad, I think it is just his approach, which I can handle IF he's open to what I have to say, and I"ll find that out tomorrow. I do think he got just a bit frustrated with me because I didn't say all that much. I was too busy screaming inside my head that I wanted to get out of there! LOL
>
> I'm just wondering if you want therapy very much and you've met this therapist and so you find it easier to imagine going back to him than trying out a few others.Yep, I guess that's part of it. I really don't want to search for someone, and I don't think my husband would understand if I kept going from T to T searching for the perfect one. He's had no experience with me and T's. AND, this guy has evening and Sat. hrs., and this so works for me.
>
> I suppose you could give him a second chance. I guess if you do, it might be helpful to decide in advance what you hope to get out of the session, and see if that's what you get.Thanks, I did make an appt. with him, and I do know what I where I want to go with it. I decided that I will tell him I know what I have to do with disciplining my kids, and I agree with him that I have to be consistent, but I don't have to be a harda** about it. I also want to tell him not to tell me I'm being irrational, that isn't helpful. And then I'll see what he has to say about working on my anxiety and self esteem. We'll see how it goes.
I'm still testing the waters.I know this might seem so ..... "irrational" to all of you, but I have to give it another go. Now, I'm going to feel really stupid if I see my p-doc tomorrow, after I told HIM there's no way I'd see this guy again! LOL Oh well.......
Jazzy
Posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 20:51:15
In reply to Re: How could I think of doing this?!, posted by Jazzed on June 17, 2005, at 20:19:48
Good luck Jazzy! I am cheering in your corner! When is your next appointment? You know I was worried about getting too attached to my T too after reading all the stories here. But I think for someone like me who needs to learn to trust almost has to get somewhat attached or therapy won't work. I think avoiding getting attached to your T is a way not to deal with your feelings or work with him. I know others don't feel this way but I think I needed to feel like there is a decent human on this earth and I could trust again somebody. My T has proven to me over and over again he will not let me down, I can depend on him and trust him to help me. He knows I have been let down by so many authority figures, parents, teachers, priests, and doctors that he has to try real hard to earn my trust. So I am just going to let myself feel attached if I feel it. He told me it was okay, and shows that I am growing emotionally.
My life is changing so much because of therapy, I just know I am doing the right thing. I don't believe my T will leave me high and dry unless of course in death. He told me he will be there for me as long as I need him. He said eventually when you improve your life, I will no longer need him anymore. I can't get from him what I can in real relationships. Therapy won't be enough for me, I will want to form friendships with people and be social. Therapy relationships are very limited. I am stiving for friendships now. Big improvement for me! So I say let yourself feel what you feel. Maybe you need to feel attached to trust your T, I don't know, I am just moving forward and am trying to heal my pain, and I am not going to let the fear of attachment keep me from moving forward. I feel I have a good T and he will be gentle with me when it is time to end therapy. He doesn't want to become on my long list of people who let me down. I trust him to help me deal with his loss someday because I do believe that he truely cares about me.
Posted by Jazzed on June 18, 2005, at 7:53:06
In reply to Re: How could I think of doing this?! » Jazzed, posted by happyflower on June 17, 2005, at 20:51:15
Hi Happy,Thanks for responding to me. I have an appt today at 10:00. Will see how it goes.
I understand what everyone is saying about getting attached, and I think it's so wonderful that some of you have found such wonderful T's. I can see where that's important to building things like trust. I do think that I can trust this guy, and maybe come to like him. Others apparently do, since he does have a clientelle.
We'll just have to see.I'm so glad you have such a caring and faithful T. I hope even though this guy came off the way he did the first time, that maybe he has that in him. It's obvious that your growth and ability to put yourself out there now are largely a part of that good relationship with your T.
Jazzy
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