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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on April 30, 2005, at 23:43:20
My husband came home today -- after 9 days in the hospital. He is obviously much better but he is on mega (MEGA) doses of steroids and actually has been suffering from steroid psychosis, meaning he is out of control, yelling at the nurses, paranoid and totally belligerent. I finally insisted on Thursday that the docs pay attention to this as it was way worse than it has been before. So they prescribed ativan "as needed" and risperdol for sleeping. He hadn't taken either in the hospital but tonight I gently insisted on the ativan. It seems to be working - he has finally fallen asleep.
This whole thing arrived on the heels of a very deep trough for me. I started medications a couple of weeks ago and have been less suicidal. But I'm not handling this hospitalization as well as I usually do. I've been thinking about that a lot. I'm struggling in therapy to understand why not. I couldn't seem to get into a groove and found myself wasting time I didn't have to waste. My therapist suggested that perhaps I was allowing a full range of feelings this time. That I wasn't keeping myself so busy so as not to feel. Maybe he is right, but tell me again why this is a good thing?
The other thing that has come up is that there are all these little kid feelings that are screaming that my therapist is dangerous. I know the origin of this but I don't know how to shut them down completely. Yesterday I missed my check in call with my therapist. I don't know how this happened, somehow my cell didn't ring and he ended up leaving a voice mail that he would catch me tomorrow. I was really, really upset. I went through a whole conversation with myself that basically said, "you need to cut back contact, so that there are no expectations to be crushed." I did call back and let him know that I was sorry I missed him, and tomorrow looked impossible but I would call if I started falling apart and needed him. No big deal. He called a couple of hours later, and I avoided his call. He called this morning, and I avoided his call again.
So, what is going on here? I'm upset that I missed him, but now I can't bring myself to talk to him. And I'm hurting. There is a big weight on my chest and I'm overwhelmed with what my "to do" list looks like for next week. I don't know if I feel resentful about the demands being put on me or terrified. Or both. And I have an appointment with the pdoc next week to top it all off.
I'm can't do it. Yet I have to. And I really can't do it without talking about it all with my therapist. But I'm afraid of him right now. I'm planning all these ways to avoid sessions next week but I know I need to go.
I wish things weren't so hard. Help!!
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 1, 2005, at 1:48:03
In reply to I wish things weren't so hard, posted by daisym on April 30, 2005, at 23:43:20
I don't think i've ever seen a post from you saying that you feel like avoiding your therapist. There have been so many inspiring posts where it seemed like you and he were a model for a good therapeutic alliance.Those were ones, I'm thinking, where you allowed, and he accepted, a lot of dependance and trust, and where you confided so many things you had never done before with anyone. I do think, though, that along with the parts that are so needy and hurting, there are bound to be other parts which are used to being alone and distrustful. i know i have both sides.
i'd say- be sure to keep all of your appointments this week, and let the avoidant part have her full say. I don't know quite what to say about the telephone sessions, as my analyst does not do them as part of therapy, so i don't know what they are like. I find it a lot to go every day, and am kind of glad not to have to check in by phone in addition. .
I guess the main thing your post makes me think: the avoidant part is just one of many- you also have very loving, trustful parts. The avoidant, distrustful part probably needs comforting more than anything else. Can you do that for her? i'm always forgetting to do that, and my analyst is always reminding me that he and i both need to do it. Just my thought- not sure if it applies well.
Posted by Dinah on May 1, 2005, at 8:54:48
In reply to I wish things weren't so hard, posted by daisym on April 30, 2005, at 23:43:20
Someone told me, I think it was my therapist, that losing someone you love isn't just one loss. It's a bunch of losses along the way. Because when people are dying they often change in such a way that we lose pieces of them at a time.
Losing Daddy was so hard. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a husband and the father of your children.
Do you think there's any tie in to the fresh prospect of losing your husband forever, and the desire to avoid your therapist? I found myself feeling so disconnected from my therapist, and he said that was natural. That when we experience one loss, there is a primitive part of us that wants to protect us from other possible losses by walling ourselves off.
And of course, anger is more than perfectly justified. Anger at everyone and everything.
I wish life wasn't being so hard on you, Daisy.
Posted by fallsfall on May 1, 2005, at 10:53:56
In reply to I wish things weren't so hard, posted by daisym on April 30, 2005, at 23:43:20
>The other thing that has come up is that there are all these little kid feelings that are screaming that my therapist is dangerous. I know the origin of this but I don't know how to shut them down completely.
*** I think you don't want to shut them down. But you also don't want to give in to them. I'm thinking of my oldest's first day at nursery school. She was very clingy and terrified to go. She didn't like new things. So I tried to tell her what it would be like and encourage her to go. I was pretty firm that she *would* go and encouraging that she would have a good time. I guess the parallel would be that your scared parts need to be soothed, but that they need to know that they do have to go. That they can talk about why they are scared to be there, but that they can't not go. That you are the adult, and while you sympathize with their fear, that you know what is best for all of you. I didn't tell my daughter "you are not allowed to be afraid". I acknowleged her fear and tried to help her move past it.
>Yesterday I missed my check in call with my therapist. I don't know how this happened, somehow my cell didn't ring and he ended up leaving a voice mail that he would catch me tomorrow. I was really, really upset. I went through a whole conversation with myself that basically said, "you need to cut back contact, so that there are no expectations to be crushed." I did call back and let him know that I was sorry I missed him, and tomorrow looked impossible but I would call if I started falling apart and needed him. No big deal. He called a couple of hours later, and I avoided his call. He called this morning, and I avoided his call again.
***Your scared parts need to understand that your therapist is not like people in your past. You need to use your intellectual understanding of that to push (gently) them to risk enough for him to prove to them that he isn't like others in your past. This is an important therapeutic opportunity. A little empathy towards your scared parts will go a long way. Don't *tell* them how to feel - that is invalidating. Accept how they are feeling and use a "Yes, I understand you feel that way, BUT..." Coax, don't order.
I think this is one of those "you have to go through it" things. But be kind to yourself, because you really are legitimately scared (as GG would say, "you come by this honestly").
Let me know if I can help.
And, yes, you *do* have to go to therapy this week.
Posted by pinkeye on May 1, 2005, at 11:53:25
In reply to I wish things weren't so hard, posted by daisym on April 30, 2005, at 23:43:20
Daisy,
In times like these, maybe you should just let your therapist take things over from you. Like, maybe you just go to the sessions, and ask him to talk, instead of you talking. When you are feeling overwhelmed, with the prospect of losing your husband, it must be incredibly hard to work on other stuff as well, so I would say just go to the sessions, and sit in silence, and let him do all the work. You deserve it right now. And I trust your therapist 100 %, and I am sure he will do the absolute right thing.Take care daisy. Be open to him. He is right now your most trusted friend. And from what I have seen, he is completely trustworthy. Just leave things to him to decide and just follow what he says.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2005, at 11:55:16
In reply to Re: I wish things weren't so hard » daisym, posted by fallsfall on May 1, 2005, at 10:53:56
Daisy,
I'm glad you were able to help your husband get to sleep. It must be very frightening and upsetting to see him in the steroid psychosis...not to mention incredibily stressful.I would add to Falls that you not only come by this honestly, but you come by this innocently. And that really stinks.
As far as avoiding therapy, well, I think what others have said make sense. And I think you need to talk to your T about it. It's a broken record, I know, but whatever feelings you have about therapy and/or him, you need to bring up. And I know you can. I hope you will. Please don't cut off this support right now. I think it's your supplemental oxygen, and the plane is definitely depressurized right now. To best help your family, you need that oxygen. Anyone would.
(((((daisy)))))
gg
Posted by Daisym on May 1, 2005, at 14:38:51
In reply to Re: I wish things weren't so hard » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on May 1, 2005, at 1:48:03
Not the first time I've been afraid to go to therapy, it is just really, really strong this time. I can hear my therapist in my head, "are you afraid of ME or of the pain you allow yourself to feel when you are with me?" I'm forever telling him these days that he should just leave the door unlocked and I could sit on the couch and do therapy alone. I hear him clearly enough.
He makes it safe to feel the pain and he makes room for the resentment and the overwhelm. He doesn't ask me to be strong. I think I want to push against something, fight back, and yet I don't want to make him the target of these negative feelings. So avoiding seems like a good idea.
And you are absolutely right. There are pieces and parts that are still hugely distrustful. I don't want to comfort that part. I want her to go back into hiding.
Posted by Daisym on May 1, 2005, at 14:44:17
In reply to I wish that for you too » daisym, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2005, at 8:54:48
Thanks Dinah. I can tell you understand. It is so hard to explain to people who think,"but you have so much time to get ready, to say good-bye." I think people imagine a TV movie where the patient is graceful and calm. It just isn't so. And the timeline is a moving target. Could be 5 years. Could be tomorrow. Should have been last week. He has an amazing ability to keep pulling out of it. So you are right, I'm losing him a piece at a time. I don't want to end up hating him by the end.
We talk about this a lot in therapy. It is hard not to project my feelings of "stop complaining" onto my therapist. If I feel that way, why wouldn't he, about me? And I'm terrified of losing him. I think I wrote here that I had a dream where I was giving my husband's eulogy and I looked down and my therapist was in the coffin. He didn't know what to make of the dream when I told him, except the obvious concern that I won't "need" him after all of this and therefore he will be lost too.
And there is another whole re-enactment that is going on for me too. Even though I recognize these as old feelings, I'm having a hard time getting past them.
Thanks for the support.
Posted by Daisym on May 1, 2005, at 14:48:01
In reply to Re: I wish things weren't so hard » daisym, posted by fallsfall on May 1, 2005, at 10:53:56
Thanks for the push Falls. I know I have to go. Most of me wants to go. I like the analogy of preschool. It did make me smile though. My mother would never have allowed the tears or any other expression of the fears. Which is why I clung to my brother. Maybe that is why I can't comfort that part of me yet.
It is upsetting that these really old feelings are so powerful. It is eerie and weird how the present keeps mirroring the past. I feel manipulated by the universe. I know we unconsciously set things up so that we can redo things to master them, but this is ridiculous!
I promise to go though.
Posted by Daisym on May 1, 2005, at 14:52:12
In reply to Re: I wish things weren't so hard » daisym, posted by pinkeye on May 1, 2005, at 11:53:25
Thanks for the support Pinkeye. I trust him too to be there for me.
But, giving up complete control will never happen. He wouldn't allow it and I would freak out. He reminds me often about how much of this *is* still in my control -- it is a strength that will carry me through. And, I have promised honesty and to at least attempt dialog about what I'm feeling. I hate silence. I know he can't help me if I can't tell him what is happening.
All that said, I appreciate your reminder that he won't hurt me. And that I don't have to work hard right now, I can *just* go for support!
Hugs to you,
Daisy
Posted by pinkeye on May 1, 2005, at 14:55:49
In reply to Re: I wish things weren't so hard » pinkeye, posted by Daisym on May 1, 2005, at 14:52:12
Tbat is what I meant as well. That for just now, you can give control and lean on him. I didn't mean it as a way of doing therapy forever. Some times, it is good to give up control, and to let others do the work for us.
Posted by Daisym on May 1, 2005, at 14:59:36
In reply to Re: I wish things weren't so hard, posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2005, at 11:55:16
Thanks GG. I'll try to think about it this way. Oxygen for me first so I can continue helping the rest of them. Hard though...
I've decided this is the definate draw back to being so competent and in control. The docs think I can handle anything. And usually I can. So they are turning to me to take care of it all. And so is everyone else. And I want to run screaming into the street saying, "does no one remember that less than a month ago I was so suicidal that I was being intensely watched over?!" I'm worried this will send me back to that spot. But some other part of me steps up and says, "no, you are at your best in a crisis. It is a month from now that you'll crash."
I'm over thinking things again. Worrying about what hasn't happened yet. I need to stop isolating as this is what I tend to do when I don't talk it out. Knowing this and doing something about it are very different though.
...you are right. I need to talk to him about all this.
Thanks for the reminder.
Posted by pinkeye on May 1, 2005, at 15:05:21
In reply to Re: I wish things weren't so hard » gardenergirl, posted by Daisym on May 1, 2005, at 14:59:36
Also when you act as if you are in control, people will usually take it that you are in control. Ask and you shall get. You need to show the doctors that you are not in control.
We sometimes unconsciously think people will be able to read our minds and see through the false strong facade that we put to the outside world. But people don't really care to look deep and understand that there is a hurt child inside that face of the strong, powerful and competent woman they see. So you make an effort to show them that part. And I think that will help you in getting more help you need.
Posted by shrinking violet on May 2, 2005, at 9:26:40
In reply to Re: I wish things weren't so hard » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on May 1, 2005, at 1:48:03
Posted by Poet on May 2, 2005, at 22:27:28
In reply to I wish things weren't so hard, posted by daisym on April 30, 2005, at 23:43:20
Hi Daisy,
Little and Big me are still afraid of my/our/her therapist, not as scared as when I first admitted CSA.
T told me that I got four stars on my writing assignment for not editing it and writing what she thinks are my true emotions. You said I could do it- write it down and I did it.Write down why you are afraid, and try hard not to cross it out. Even if you can't let your T see it, maybe it'll help get some of the fear out. At least a teeny bit.
(((((Daisy)))))))
Poet
Posted by daisym on May 3, 2005, at 14:51:43
In reply to Re: I wish things weren't so hard » daisym, posted by Poet on May 2, 2005, at 22:27:28
WOW - good for you Poet. I'm so glad she appreciated how hard all that was for you. I haven't been writing much. Ok, that isn't true. I've been writing tons but not taking it in. I took one piece in last week and he said "there is so much in this, where do you want to start?" No where. That was the point of writing it down...
I made myself go yesterday. I should post about it. Take good care and keep up the good work!
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