Posted by daisym on April 30, 2005, at 23:43:20
My husband came home today -- after 9 days in the hospital. He is obviously much better but he is on mega (MEGA) doses of steroids and actually has been suffering from steroid psychosis, meaning he is out of control, yelling at the nurses, paranoid and totally belligerent. I finally insisted on Thursday that the docs pay attention to this as it was way worse than it has been before. So they prescribed ativan "as needed" and risperdol for sleeping. He hadn't taken either in the hospital but tonight I gently insisted on the ativan. It seems to be working - he has finally fallen asleep.
This whole thing arrived on the heels of a very deep trough for me. I started medications a couple of weeks ago and have been less suicidal. But I'm not handling this hospitalization as well as I usually do. I've been thinking about that a lot. I'm struggling in therapy to understand why not. I couldn't seem to get into a groove and found myself wasting time I didn't have to waste. My therapist suggested that perhaps I was allowing a full range of feelings this time. That I wasn't keeping myself so busy so as not to feel. Maybe he is right, but tell me again why this is a good thing?
The other thing that has come up is that there are all these little kid feelings that are screaming that my therapist is dangerous. I know the origin of this but I don't know how to shut them down completely. Yesterday I missed my check in call with my therapist. I don't know how this happened, somehow my cell didn't ring and he ended up leaving a voice mail that he would catch me tomorrow. I was really, really upset. I went through a whole conversation with myself that basically said, "you need to cut back contact, so that there are no expectations to be crushed." I did call back and let him know that I was sorry I missed him, and tomorrow looked impossible but I would call if I started falling apart and needed him. No big deal. He called a couple of hours later, and I avoided his call. He called this morning, and I avoided his call again.
So, what is going on here? I'm upset that I missed him, but now I can't bring myself to talk to him. And I'm hurting. There is a big weight on my chest and I'm overwhelmed with what my "to do" list looks like for next week. I don't know if I feel resentful about the demands being put on me or terrified. Or both. And I have an appointment with the pdoc next week to top it all off.
I'm can't do it. Yet I have to. And I really can't do it without talking about it all with my therapist. But I'm afraid of him right now. I'm planning all these ways to avoid sessions next week but I know I need to go.
I wish things weren't so hard. Help!!
poster:daisym
thread:492153
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050428/msgs/492153.html