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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 10:30:02
This is just one of those time when I know therapy is not good for me.
A family member has died; I have to travel to another state where my childhood home is, a scene of much sadness and confusion and devastation. I have to travel alone. I have to go to the same funeral home and the cemetery where my father is buried. (I've never visited his grave.) I have to see family members who have hurt me.
And oddly enough, since I've been torturing myself by going to other places close to where I live now that are full of traumatic memories and melting, I know I will melt there, too. Plus, there is the spectre of death.
Two years ago, controlled and corporate Aphrodite, with her strong defensive ego state, masked emotions, could go through this unscathed. Now, retraumatized "little Aphrodite" is out, with no strong adult self anywhere in sight, recently dealing with med changes and dissociation and flashbacks has to try to keep it together.
Sure, you can drudge up the past in the safety of the T's office. Even that causes me to regress and swirl and deteriorate. But, what are you supposed to do when you have to face the demons when you're not ready? How has therapy helped me realistically at all?
And on top of it all, I am consumed with guilt. I am not even thinking about the lost loved one and the immediate family. I'm thinking about me and what it is doing to me, and I absolutely hate myself for such selfishness. I never thought I had it in me to be so self-absorbed.
I am mad at my T for letting me sink to this level, for the encouragement to regress and to lean on him, for deluding me into calling this progress.
I am packing now. I am sobbing and have no idea how I am going to make it through the next few days.
Posted by Dinah on March 13, 2005, at 12:09:00
In reply to When therapy is harmful (long), posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 10:30:02
I'm sorry about your loss, Aphrodite.
(((Aphrodite)))
I've been giving this some thought lately, because I happened to be reading about the benefits and drawbacks of stirring up the past. The research seems to indicate that there is no one right answer. For some people, the best thing is to leave the past in the past. For other people, if the past is causing them to lose functionality in the real world, the answer may be to explore it. But there again, the best way to explore it seems to vary widely from person to person.
I don't think it hurts to stop and assess these things from time to time.
Intensive psychotherapy is no more a good thing for all people than it is a bad thing for all people.
And it is easy to get caught up in the intensity of the relationship.
I look at it from time to time. I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to walk away if that was the best answer, but I hope I'd be at least aware that I was doing the wrong thing for me. Again, any endeavor is worth assessing from time to time. This is a musing, and not directed at you or your specific therapy.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 13, 2005, at 12:45:13
In reply to Re: When therapy is harmful (long), posted by Dinah on March 13, 2005, at 12:09:00
Aphrodite,
I'm sorry about your loss. And I'm sorry that it occurred at a time when you are not in a good place to deal with it. I think being angry about that is normal.Just a thought. Do you really need to go? Can you be selfish right now and take care of yourself and not go? You can still mourn and value the person in your heart while taking care of your own heart. Putting myself in your shoes, I am sure that family members would be upset, and I'd have to weigh the cost of that against the potential benefit of protecting myslef. But really, can you take just a minute to look objectively and see if it might be better to stay at home?
That being said, as far as whether it's better to stir things up or not, well, like Dinah said...there's no one right answer. If only there were a simple test, like a blood test, that told us.
Sending you strong, containing energy.
((((Aphrodite))))
gg
Posted by Daisym on March 13, 2005, at 14:01:35
In reply to Re: When therapy is harmful (long), posted by gardenergirl on March 13, 2005, at 12:45:13
I wish I could go with you and offer background support. You will get through this. It is amazing how quickly the armor can come back on. Take it a day at a time, but know it isn't forever. Talk to God, your faith will let you feel him and he hears your thoughts.
Call you Therapist if you can find time. Break away and just let him be with you in your sadness.
Take your lap top and log on if you can. We are here too.
I'm sorry. The timing is so bad...
Daisy
Posted by fallsfall on March 13, 2005, at 14:12:25
In reply to When therapy is harmful (long), posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 10:30:02
(((Aphrodite)))
What a tough situation.
I'm with Gardenergirl - do you really have to go? If it isn't a sibling, parent, or child I would consider not going.
If you do go, please try to take care of yourself while you are there - stay in a motel so you have your own space? Don't go to all of the gatherings? Go to the local library to check in with us at Babble?
Can you think of not going, or limiting your participation, as being an affirmation of *your* importance as a person and family member, rather than as a denial of your loved one's significance?
I know that Daisy went to visit her dad when her step-mother was sick last year. I believe the visit was very hard on her, and the aftereffects lasted for quite a while. Please be sure to consider *your* needs as well as those of your family.
It is hard enough when family members die... I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 18:41:30
In reply to When therapy is harmful (long), posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 10:30:02
I'm tired and headed off, but I just wanted to thank you for the kind words of support. I would love to stay home and hide, but in the end, I am an extremely dutiful and reliable family member. Even to one as dysfunctional as mine.
I left a message for my T cancelling my appointments for the week because of a death. I gave him no feeling, no details. He has tried to reach me, but I'm ignoring him because I'm mad. If he wants to unleash my inner child, he's going to have to deal with her bratty, pouty, stubborn side, too.
Good grief, what have I become?
Posted by Susan47 on March 13, 2005, at 20:13:01
In reply to Re: thanks guys, posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 18:41:30
Please think twice about ignoring your T's phone calls, Aphrodite, no matter how mad you feel. Reach for that button because you don't want to be angry with yourself for shutting him out when he wants to be there for you, supportive for you, you may even want to have a phone session with him while you're gone and please don't shut those doors! (((Aphrodite)))
Posted by Joslynn on March 14, 2005, at 13:28:40
In reply to Re: thanks guys, posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 18:41:30
I think it's ok to be angry with him...but tell him that. This many sound weird, but my T loves it when I get angry. She gets all excited, because she says I seem to be afraid of anger.
Posted by judy1 on March 15, 2005, at 12:35:24
In reply to Re: thanks guys, posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 18:41:30
I admire your strength, I was recently in the same position as you- I lost my brother and the funeral was two months ago. I did not attend, I was simply to fragile to handle what you are about to. Obviously you have left and while you are angry at your therp for not preparing you for this, try to understand that he could never have anticipated that it was going to happen at this time in your therapy. Maybe you can examine why you felt 'dutiful' about going- despite knowing how painful it would be for you. Perhaps I'm justifying my own actions, but funerals are about the living- and if the living cause you so much anxiety- then why go?
I hope you get through this without too much damage, and I truly hope you are able to talk to your therp about all your emotions.
As far as the actual process of regressive therapy, I honestly felt (for me) it caused more harm than good. Since I have stopped going to therapy, I have been much calmer and happier. But I realize that everyone is different, and perhaps at this time of your life it is more beneficial for you.
Take care and I hope the trip wasn't too painful for you- judy
Posted by Aphrodite on March 16, 2005, at 15:11:35
In reply to When therapy is harmful (long), posted by Aphrodite on March 13, 2005, at 10:30:02
It's a really, REALLY bad time. So many triggers, memories, flashbacks. I feel like I've been emotionally pummeled. I'm physically sick; I had to stop several times on the way home to vomit. I have a migraine that won't go away. And the tears, oh the tears, I didn't know I had so many.
Many people in my hometown remembered me at the funeral. They all commented on how well I've grown up . . . you know, considering. Oh, that was fun to hear -- so everyone knew and no one did anything.
What does a nervous breakdown look like? I wonder if I'm having one. My T called me while I was there, and I could barely talk. He asked when I would return and I told him roughly when I thought I might return but I wasn't sure. So, when I didn't make it home at the time I said very late last night (I didn't know I was held to it) he had already called my husband, was getting ready to get on the road to look for me and call 911. Luckily, I had heard my cell phone ring as I was driving but just didn't answer for safety reasons. I returned his call, but he had already put these wheels in motion in less than 10 minutes after just one attempt to reach me. He said that I had no idea how bad I sounded, and that he was alarmed because he knew I was upset with him and afraid I wouldn't use him as a safety net. He said, "I'm so relieved you called. I was about to become stalker therapist."
I don't know, I guess he overreacted but then again maybe not. Maybe I am not seeing how badly I am presenting right now.
At work today, I found out I'm being audited and got a summons to appear in court for one of my former students in trouble.
Everything is just so bleak.
Posted by B2chica on March 16, 2005, at 15:32:49
In reply to It was even worse than I thought., posted by Aphrodite on March 16, 2005, at 15:11:35
even though a little 'stalkerish' it's nice to know that your T has that concern for you. knowing what kind of 'place' you are in right now.
-am SO sorry you are in so much pain. i'm sorry i don't have any words, i just read your post and wanted to respond...giving you hugs.
b2c.
Posted by Dinah on March 16, 2005, at 17:29:27
In reply to It was even worse than I thought., posted by Aphrodite on March 16, 2005, at 15:11:35
Posted by Susan47 on March 16, 2005, at 19:44:55
In reply to It was even worse than I thought., posted by Aphrodite on March 16, 2005, at 15:11:35
You have an incredible therapist, Aphrodite. With the help of this man, I can see you absolutely flowering, but I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time with everything else right now, was it a member of your immediate family?
Posted by gardenergirl on March 16, 2005, at 20:48:19
In reply to It was even worse than I thought., posted by Aphrodite on March 16, 2005, at 15:11:35
Oh gosh, I don't know what to say. I'm so very sorry you had to go through that. It sounds like you were all alone, too. I'm glad your T checked up on you and was worried about you, although I suppose it would be embarrassing if he and the police actually caught up with you only to find you just hadn't answered your phone.
Poor dear. Even with the audit, can you take it easy at work for a bit? Can you do something nice and restful for yourself? Please give yourself time to heal from this. It sounds like it was so traumatic.
((((Aprhodite))))
Sending you warm and healing energy.
gg
Posted by Daisym on March 17, 2005, at 10:21:10
In reply to It was even worse than I thought., posted by Aphrodite on March 16, 2005, at 15:11:35
I'm really sorry you had such a rough time. It sounds like you were really flooded and that is so dangerous. It is nice to know he cared enough to take action.
As far as a break down...I think you do for short periods of time, you let it all out, with tears, throwing up, etc. etc. and then you go really quiet for a period of time. Like your brain turns off and your psyche needs a rest. And then slowly you begin working on stuff again. The best thing about times like these is that a lot of stuff gets said in a hurry and it isn't that painful reflection of "should I say this or not" -- it just tumbles out. And when I'm like this, mostly my therapist goes into complete support mode. Which sets aside worries about needing him too much.
To get through this I strongly encourage you to allow yourself extra sessions if you want them, I know you go today. Try to NOT attend activities this weekend. Eat comfort foods and watch disney movies with your son. I've made it through some really hard times by sitting and watching my children sleep. Even as big as they are, when they are asleep they still look vulnerable and like they need me. And there is strength in that.
Mostly you have to hang on to the idea that this will pass, the intensity will lessen and slowly you will feel stronger. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, in the middle of it all. And you aren't alone with it this time. Keep remembering that.
Hugs from me.
Daisy
Posted by Shortelise on March 17, 2005, at 13:02:12
In reply to It was even worse than I thought., posted by Aphrodite on March 16, 2005, at 15:11:35
((((Aphrodite))))
You made it through!!! You did it!
I so feel for you. The worst thing about getting through stuff like that is having to keep everything down, and it seems to expand, and can feel worse because of it.
That your body is completely reacting, with migraine and vomiting, makes pure sense, as though you'd been poisoned, is it? Drink lots and lots of water if you can. You must be dehydrated.
This is ShortE, comfort woman, and I volunteer to wrap around your shoulders in soft folds, a shawl of kindness, warmth and safety.
I am so so so sorry.
ShortE
This is the end of the thread.
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