![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 0:48:30
Posted by Tamar on March 8, 2005, at 11:31:50
Hello,
I haven’t posted here before, though I’ve been reading other people’s posts for a couple of weeks.
I’ve been suffering from depression for a very long time but I’ve been doing therapy for about six months, and I’m feeling much better. But for various reasons my therapy is finishing really soon. I'll have one more appointment with my wonderful T, at the end of next week, and I don’t know how I’m going to get through it without falling apart. I’m already starting to feel so sad. I know I’m going to miss him horribly, and I haven’t even said goodbye yet.
Any advice greatly appreciated!
Tamar
Posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 3:06:28
In reply to (Redirect) New, and a bit sad, posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 0:48:30
Hey. I think terminations are always hard :-(
I hate going to that last session. Trying not to cry.Can you possibly see someone else?
How come you have to stop working with them?
Posted by Tamar on March 9, 2005, at 6:43:15
In reply to Re: (Redirect) New, and a bit sad, posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 3:06:28
Yeah,I'm afraid I'm going to flood his office with tears!
There are a number of reasons why termination is appropriate at this point: my T only sees people for short term work and I'm feeling quite a bit better, which I suppose is the point of therapy (at least in my case)! And in some ways it's not a bad thing to stop, because I found it very intense and exhausting.
I probably could see someone else if I could find the money, but I want this man and no one else! I know it's impossible but I'm struggling to accept it.
Tamar
> Hey. I think terminations are always hard :-(
> I hate going to that last session. Trying not to cry.
>
> Can you possibly see someone else?
>
> How come you have to stop working with them?
Posted by Shame on March 9, 2005, at 9:17:24
In reply to (Redirect) New, and a bit sad, posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 0:48:30
This happened to me several years ago as well. I was totally blindsided. I went in one day, and had a "breakthrough"... But he was upset since it was our last session. It was news to me. I was supposed to have gotten a message of some description, but it seems I missed it. Maybe I just didn't want to hear it. He was exceptional. Truely above and beyond. I stopped going to therapy after that. That was a mistake.Speaking from experience I can tell you that your going to have to try extra hard with your next therapist. Nothing felt right for quite a while.
I also think its important not to make your last session into one long goodbye. If I had, I wouldn't have made the progress I did. Make it a hug and a Halmark.
Posted by Tamar on March 9, 2005, at 10:34:06
In reply to Re: (Redirect) New, and a bit sad » alexandra_k, posted by Shame on March 9, 2005, at 9:17:24
> Speaking from experience I can tell you that your going to have to try extra hard with your next therapist. Nothing felt right for quite a while.I can't quite imagine having a 'next therapist'. I probably will have to one day. But at the moment I can't begin to contemplate it.
> I also think its important not to make your last session into one long goodbye. If I had, I wouldn't have made the progress I did. Make it a hug and a Halmark.
Ha ha! I'd love to hug him. I don't think he knows how much - I never told him how I feel about him. But I think he has pretty rigid boundaries. He certainly never seems physically approachable. I doubt he will hug me just because it's the last time. But I wish he would.But what do you do at a last session except say goodbye?
Tamar
Posted by Shortelise on March 9, 2005, at 11:50:32
In reply to Re: (Redirect) New, and a bit sad, posted by Tamar on March 9, 2005, at 6:43:15
It's such a wonderful thing you are feeling better, and can get on with your life!
Tamar, really, you could celebrate.
Go ahead and flood his office with tears. Why not? Of course you are sad, you have gone through a good process that has helped you a lot, with someone caring who has helped you through it.
I am talking to myself as well as to you - I have to let myself feel the stuff I feel and express it where it's appropriate to do so. My T's office is always an appropriate place to express how I feel.
Tamar, it's terribly hard. Is there any way you could see him again in a month, just to check in? And then after that, in two or three months? I don't think that's too much to ask, even from a short term T.
I really feel for you.
ShortE
Posted by Susan47 on March 9, 2005, at 12:10:32
In reply to Re: (Redirect) New, and a bit sad, posted by Tamar on March 9, 2005, at 10:34:06
If I were in your shoes, I would print off my first couple of posts on this thread, letting him know how you feel... and you'll have a way of telling him you'll be sad and you wouldn't mind a hug if he were to give it, but not really actually having to put yourself on the line too much in case he says no. I hope he doesn't. It's nice when T's show courage. (((Tamar))) I know how you feel.
Posted by B2chica on March 9, 2005, at 12:52:18
In reply to (Redirect) New, and a bit sad, posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2005, at 0:48:30
first i need to say Congrats on the breakthrough. that's wonderful news. and i got a breakout of anxiety when i read your post. i've been struggling to find a 'decent' T for months...Finally found a Perfect one in nov but he had to leave out of town for a couple months, he's just now back but may only be around for a few months...he was very ethical about it and wanted to make it very clear that he may not be around any longer than that...i didn't care. he's such a great fit for me!
but i got the anxiety reading your post cuz man, i need to pump out a lot of crud in the next few months and am not looking forward to him leaving. but i'd rather have a little time with a Great one, then a Long time with one not so suited for me. maybe you can look at it that way.smile.
B2c.
Posted by pinkeye on March 9, 2005, at 18:08:17
In reply to Re: (Redirect) New, and a bit sad, posted by Tamar on March 9, 2005, at 10:34:06
Any way you look at it, termination with a therapist you like and care about is so extremely difficult.
It almost feels like having a parent say to you that they don't want to hear from you again. That is just how awful it feels. Especially if you are on long term contact.
I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't.
Pinkeye.
Posted by pinkeye on March 9, 2005, at 21:44:48
In reply to Re: (Redirect) New, and a bit sad, posted by Tamar on March 9, 2005, at 10:34:06
But even if leaving a therapist is so extremely hard, it is not something that is not do-able at all. It can be done. And with time and effort you will be able to look back without the pain that you feel now because of leaving the person. You will definitely feel sad and will miss the person, but atleast it doesn't have to hurt too much.
Lots of times in life, we just have to move on and take some hard steps in life, because life demands it at several points to let go. And maybe you can keep in mind, that it is for the long term good that you are going through this now.
It is very hard, I know, but I am just trying to speak for myself as to you. The idea is to keep as busy as possible and try to keep occupying your mind with several other things that you don't keep thinking about this person.
Also if it is your last session, you might ask him somethings which you might wonder later - like if he liked you as a patient etc etc. Not sure if you will get an answer, but if you get a positive answer, that will be something to remember and cling to when you miss him. But it might be a double edged knife -if he refuses, then it will hurt - for a long time. Then you will wonder all sorts of things.. Be prepared for that.
Posted by Tamar on March 10, 2005, at 14:16:58
In reply to Re: (Redirect) New, and a bit sad, posted by Shortelise on March 9, 2005, at 11:50:32
> It's such a wonderful thing you are feeling better, and can get on with your life!
>
> Tamar, really, you could celebrate.You're absolutely right. I must try not to lose sight of how much better everything is.
> Tamar, it's terribly hard. Is there any way you could see him again in a month, just to check in? And then after that, in two or three months? I don't think that's too much to ask, even from a short term T.He has made it pretty clear this is the end, so I don't think he'll be keen to plan future appointments. I suppose there are clinical reasons: maybe if I had an arrangement to see him in a few months I'd be less inclined to make the break menatlly. But it is hard.
Thanks for your support!
Tamar
Posted by Tamar on March 10, 2005, at 14:20:16
In reply to Re: (Redirect) New, and a bit sad, posted by Susan47 on March 9, 2005, at 12:10:32
> If I were in your shoes, I would print off my first couple of posts on this thread, letting him know how you feel... and you'll have a way of telling him you'll be sad and you wouldn't mind a hug if he were to give it, but not really actually having to put yourself on the line too much in case he says no. I hope he doesn't. It's nice when T's show courage. (((Tamar))) I know how you feel.
I'm sure he has the necessary courage to handle whatever I say, but I'm not sure that I do! But I will think about your suggestion and maybe I'll be feeling braver when the time comes. I do want a hug so much!Thanks for thinking of me.
Tamar
Posted by Tamar on March 10, 2005, at 14:23:24
In reply to Re: (Redirect) New, and a bit sad » alexandra_k, posted by B2chica on March 9, 2005, at 12:52:18
> first i need to say Congrats on the breakthrough. that's wonderful news. and i got a breakout of anxiety when i read your post. i've been struggling to find a 'decent' T for months...Finally found a Perfect one in nov but he had to leave out of town for a couple months, he's just now back but may only be around for a few months...he was very ethical about it and wanted to make it very clear that he may not be around any longer than that...i didn't care. he's such a great fit for me!
> but i got the anxiety reading your post cuz man, i need to pump out a lot of crud in the next few months and am not looking forward to him leaving. but i'd rather have a little time with a Great one, then a Long time with one not so suited for me. maybe you can look at it that way.
>
> smile.
> B2c.
>
>Sorry to hear about your anxiety. I can imagine what that must be like. I agree with you, though: a good fit for a short time is probably a very good thing, and will help you pump out all that crud, whereas a bad fit probably won't get you so far even if he's around for years.
I hope things work out well for you.
Tamar
Posted by Tamar on March 10, 2005, at 14:29:29
In reply to The idea is to keep yourself busy » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on March 9, 2005, at 21:44:48
> But even if leaving a therapist is so extremely hard, it is not something that is not do-able at all. It can be done. And with time and effort you will be able to look back without the pain that you feel now because of leaving the person. You will definitely feel sad and will miss the person, but atleast it doesn't have to hurt too much.
>
> Lots of times in life, we just have to move on and take some hard steps in life, because life demands it at several points to let go. And maybe you can keep in mind, that it is for the long term good that you are going through this now.
>
> It is very hard, I know, but I am just trying to speak for myself as to you. The idea is to keep as busy as possible and try to keep occupying your mind with several other things that you don't keep thinking about this person.
>
> Also if it is your last session, you might ask him somethings which you might wonder later - like if he liked you as a patient etc etc. Not sure if you will get an answer, but if you get a positive answer, that will be something to remember and cling to when you miss him. But it might be a double edged knife -if he refuses, then it will hurt - for a long time. Then you will wonder all sorts of things.. Be prepared for that.
That makes a lot of sense. I will definitely try to keep busy! I have a family and a job that will keep my mind occupied, although I do seem to be able to think about my T in the background all the time!I will also think about questions to ask him. I must say, though, that one of the great things about feeling better is that I finally realise he *does* like me and he *does* care about me very much. In some ways it makes saying goodbye a little harder, because I would love to go on seeing him as a friend, but of course I know it's impossible.
Thanks for your good ideas.
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on March 10, 2005, at 15:03:56
In reply to Re: The idea is to keep yourself busy » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on March 10, 2005, at 14:29:29
I so admire the confidence that you have that your T likes you and cares about you. Mind if I ask how you got that confidence? Did he tell you?
That is something which I still don't have. Wish I had though.
>> I will also think about questions to ask him. I must say, though, that one of the great things about feeling better is that I finally realise he *does* like me and he *does* care about me very much. In some ways it makes saying goodbye a little harder, because I would love to go on seeing him as a friend, but of course I know it's impossible.
>
> Thanks for your good ideas.
>
> Tamar
>
>
>
Posted by Tamar on March 10, 2005, at 16:23:50
In reply to Re: The idea is to keep yourself busy » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on March 10, 2005, at 15:03:56
> I so admire the confidence that you have that your T likes you and cares about you. Mind if I ask how you got that confidence? Did he tell you?
>
> That is something which I still don't have. Wish I had though.
>
I remember how hard it was to believe my T really liked me, so I feel for you. I think I came to realise that he likes me in a couple of different ways.Firstly, I’m a teacher (I teach adults) and I know that I care about all my students. I’ve had some difficult students from time to time: every now and then there are students who are rude, or disruptive, or make my life difficult with administration. But I know that they are usually behaving in difficult ways because they’re frustrated and having problems with the work we’re doing, so despite their behaviour I still want to help them overcome their difficulties and learn something, both about the subject and about themselves. When we work through those difficulties with I feel a lot closer to the student. And I figure it’s not so different being a therapist. I think that even when therapists see us at our worst, they genuinely want to help us to feel better. And when we make progress, even if it’s just a small progress, they’re delighted for us: they feel proud of us and affectionate towards us. Well, that’s how I see it.
Secondly, when I talk to him about things that distress me he looks at me with an expression of concern and he says comforting things. He’s honest with me and he looks me in the eye. He laughs at my jokes. He doesn’t pass negative judgements on the things I’ve done that I’m not proud of – instead, he asks me to explore the reasons why. There are times when I feel as if he can’t possibly like me, or that I’m unacceptable. But I think that’s a transference thing: the problem is that *I* think I’m unacceptable and I transfer the feeling onto him. However, when I talk about the things that make me feel unacceptable he still accepts me. He’s still keen to listen to me and console me and challenge (gently) my distorted sense of acceptability. Every time I think he should find me unacceptable he nevertheless accepts me. So he doesn’t find me unacceptable, and this means I find myself less unacceptable.
I never asked him outright if he liked me because I would feel embarrassed (especially if the conversation got into any detail about how I feel about him), but I’ve tried to focus on what he actually says and does, rather than on how I think he should feel about me.
I’m sure your T likes you. Have you ever asked? Or does that seem too scary?
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on March 10, 2005, at 16:41:41
In reply to Re: The idea is to keep yourself busy » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on March 10, 2005, at 16:23:50
It is a long story.. the others in this board are well aware of my issue. Perhaps about the only issue that I keep asking for help on this board, and one I never seem to be able to come to terms with.
I have asked, and he said there was no question of him liking me or disliking me and that he was only trying to help me.
I think he meant to say he is indifferent to me.
But it is extremely hurting and confusing to me.
Posted by Tamar on March 10, 2005, at 17:25:16
In reply to Re: The idea is to keep yourself busy » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on March 10, 2005, at 16:41:41
> I have asked, and he said there was no question of him liking me or disliking me and that he was only trying to help me.
>
> I think he meant to say he is indifferent to me.
>
> But it is extremely hurting and confusing to me.That does sound hurtful and confusing. It also sounds like therapist-speak!
I can understand that you heard it as an indication that he was indifferent to you. But I doubt that’s what he meant by it.
Maybe he was trying to say that his personal feelings about you were not supposed to be explored during your therapy. Perhaps he would have been prepared to talk about your personal feelings towards him, but not about his feelings for you. I think lots of therapists share that view. But as you say, it can be very hurtful.
For what it’s worth, you seem very likeable to me and I find it hard to imagine that your therapist dislikes you.
I’m sorry you’re hurting.
Tamar
Posted by pinkeye on March 10, 2005, at 17:47:43
In reply to Re: The idea is to keep yourself busy » pinkeye, posted by Tamar on March 10, 2005, at 17:25:16
It is very hurting and confusing. Especially since I went to the extent of telling him how hurt I felt when I felt he didn't like me a little bit also.
The only explanation I can make out of it is that he couldn't bring himself to say he liked me even a little bit. And that meant he really really disliked me. And more so, since he said it in the way of parting when I ended my therapy with him. I have been trying to make peace with it ever since, and I am just not able to.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.