Posted by Tamar on March 10, 2005, at 16:23:50
In reply to Re: The idea is to keep yourself busy » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on March 10, 2005, at 15:03:56
> I so admire the confidence that you have that your T likes you and cares about you. Mind if I ask how you got that confidence? Did he tell you?
>
> That is something which I still don't have. Wish I had though.
>
I remember how hard it was to believe my T really liked me, so I feel for you. I think I came to realise that he likes me in a couple of different ways.Firstly, I’m a teacher (I teach adults) and I know that I care about all my students. I’ve had some difficult students from time to time: every now and then there are students who are rude, or disruptive, or make my life difficult with administration. But I know that they are usually behaving in difficult ways because they’re frustrated and having problems with the work we’re doing, so despite their behaviour I still want to help them overcome their difficulties and learn something, both about the subject and about themselves. When we work through those difficulties with I feel a lot closer to the student. And I figure it’s not so different being a therapist. I think that even when therapists see us at our worst, they genuinely want to help us to feel better. And when we make progress, even if it’s just a small progress, they’re delighted for us: they feel proud of us and affectionate towards us. Well, that’s how I see it.
Secondly, when I talk to him about things that distress me he looks at me with an expression of concern and he says comforting things. He’s honest with me and he looks me in the eye. He laughs at my jokes. He doesn’t pass negative judgements on the things I’ve done that I’m not proud of – instead, he asks me to explore the reasons why. There are times when I feel as if he can’t possibly like me, or that I’m unacceptable. But I think that’s a transference thing: the problem is that *I* think I’m unacceptable and I transfer the feeling onto him. However, when I talk about the things that make me feel unacceptable he still accepts me. He’s still keen to listen to me and console me and challenge (gently) my distorted sense of acceptability. Every time I think he should find me unacceptable he nevertheless accepts me. So he doesn’t find me unacceptable, and this means I find myself less unacceptable.
I never asked him outright if he liked me because I would feel embarrassed (especially if the conversation got into any detail about how I feel about him), but I’ve tried to focus on what he actually says and does, rather than on how I think he should feel about me.
I’m sure your T likes you. Have you ever asked? Or does that seem too scary?
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:468571
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/469343.html