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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on February 24, 2005, at 20:01:50
I still think I'm on to something, even though my therapist denies it.
For almost two months now my therapist has seen me three to five times a week, dealt with SI and suicidal urges (on a bad week) and ideation (on a good week). I haven't bothered him often outside session, but he's still been very much in the hotseat. He's the one who takes the risk to choose not to push me towards being hospitalized. He's trying to prop me up enough that I don't lose my job.
I've seen my pdoc once. I tried to be honest about what was going on, but it's hard to know if he grasped it because he's such a blank slate. If he did, he apparently wasn't overly worried. Maybe after all the time I've been a patient he figures I'm all ideation and no action. I don't know.
I hear about people telling their spouses or significant others, and I'm flabbergasted. Obviously my husband knows something's up. I'm going to therapy so often. And I must look unwell, because he keeps stopping me and asking me if I'm ok. And trying to hug me.
But he really doesn't want to know. I remember the time I was struggling with intrusive thoughts - I didn't even have any intent of acting on them. I asked him to hold my medication for me. He made this huge deal of it, seemed to think it was unsafe to leave my son alone with me and that he should take off from work, and generally made such a spectacle of the whole thing that it made matters much much worse. And he didn't even take the blasted pills!
My therapist has met my husband often enough that he doesn't think it would be particularly wise to talk to him about it. I remember once we had a joint session back during my postpartum depression days. I thought he was concerned about me, and I guess he was. My therapist asked if he had any questions about my condition and my husband said that he was worried that I couldn't perform my "wifely duties". No, not sex. Housekeeping and childcare. I felt like I had been slapped. My therapist still laughs about that session. Said he'd never seen anything like it. And he's never suggested that we tell my husband anything except when he's threatening to hospitalize me.
Which again leaves my therapist the one sturdy leg on my support stool. And I worry that I am putting too much weight on it. Even if he says I'm not.
He was awfully frustrated last session.
Posted by littleone on February 24, 2005, at 21:00:12
In reply to Sharing the burden (possible slight trigger), posted by Dinah on February 24, 2005, at 20:01:50
> I hear about people telling their spouses or significant others, and I'm flabbergasted. Obviously my husband knows something's up. I'm going to therapy so often. And I must look unwell, because he keeps stopping me and asking me if I'm ok. And trying to hug me.
Oh Dinah, I so agree. It just floors me the way some people share things with husbands/friends/etc. I just can't comprehend doing that. It is so foreign to who I am.
And my poor husband. Even if I did talk to him, he would never in a million years respond in a way that was helpful for me.
I'm sorry you can't get the support you need from your husband. Or from friends/etc IRL.
A lot of psych books I read talk about therapy being a place to build trust or a secure attachment relationship which then acts as a bridge to secure relationships outside of therapy. I know a lot of the theory, but to be honest, I can't see it ever happening with me.
What does your T say about forming other friendships IRL that can help to meet your needs?
And what do you think is hindering you from forming other friendships? I know you think you're odd (delightfully so, of course :) ). Is that the main problem, or are you also shy, or something else? I was going to ask if you have trouble maintaining friendships - but I would find that hard to believe after hearing how hard you've worked on the relationship with your T :)
> Which again leaves my therapist the one sturdy leg on my support stool. And I worry that I am putting too much weight on it. Even if he says I'm not.
I can't help you with the whole burnout issue. It would be a big concern of mine if I was to ever "bother" my T. I can't even believe that he's not totally sick of seeing me week after week.
Sorry, to clarify, I don't mean to imply that *you* are bothering your T, I mean that I don't like to bother people with even a phone call or a question or anything. Often I don't even want to "bother" babble with a post. My issue, not yours.
But anyway, I guess I was saying that anything I say will probably reinforce and intensify your concerns, so I will simply say that I understand and that it is hard. I feel for you.
Posted by mair on February 24, 2005, at 21:15:00
In reply to Sharing the burden (possible slight trigger), posted by Dinah on February 24, 2005, at 20:01:50
There's no way on god's green earth that I could ever reveal to my husband the frequency and extent of my suicidal thinking, or, for that matter, that I think about it at all. And he, too, doesn't really want to know. I think it is more than he wants to absorb - not just the suicide stuff, but all the tangles and distortions of my thinking when I'm depressed. It's been years since he asked me what I was talking about in therapy, or how much longer I might be going and when i do try to talk about things, he sort of tunes me out. I don't think he's unsympathetic; I just think it's another burden he can't take on.
Mair
Posted by annierose on February 24, 2005, at 21:23:47
In reply to Re: Sharing the burden (possible slight trigger), posted by mair on February 24, 2005, at 21:15:00
I am one of those people that share most things with my husband. Most times, I'm not sure it's that helpful. Since I've been back in therapy (just over a year) I've even been more open with my husband. My T warned me that when I begin to change (i.e. push him in a certain direction to help me with more household tasks ... mainly the kids) he'll push back even stronger. And she was right. BUT ... my husband has hung in there and apologize afterwards. I think he knows, deep down, that I'm being reasonable. But it's driving him crazy, my wanting and insisting on all these deep conversations or just sharing of information. Right now, our marriage is strained ... lots of changes (he just got a new job) ... but I'm still sharing and he rolls his eyes occasionally, but I need my connection with him. I won't let him off that easy.
Posted by daisym on February 24, 2005, at 23:42:13
In reply to Sharing the burden (possible slight trigger), posted by Dinah on February 24, 2005, at 20:01:50
Dinah,
What was he frustrated about? I doubt it was how much you need him.
There is an ebb and flow of need in your therapy relationship. You've been through a lot. Let him help. Don't worry so much about it right now.
As far as husbands go, I'm jealous of those who can share and lean. It would be so much easier if I had that, but I don't. I think it is great that your husband recognizes you are in pain and wants to hug you. Let him.
Posted by whirlpool on February 25, 2005, at 8:44:07
In reply to Sharing the burden (possible slight trigger), posted by Dinah on February 24, 2005, at 20:01:50
Hi Dinah,
I am sorry you are so lacking of support.
It seems, though, that your husband is concerned about you and notices when you are not feeling well.
Have you considered talking to him about how you feel and getting him to really listen to you? He may be capable of understanding you more if he knew how important it is to you.
I hope things get better for you.
Whirl.
Posted by Speaker on February 25, 2005, at 9:44:31
In reply to Re: Sharing the burden (possible slight trigger) » Dinah, posted by whirlpool on February 25, 2005, at 8:44:07
Dinah,
If your T was worn out he wouldn't have called you back when you told him he didn't have to. I know he cares and he has shown it by trying to reduce fees and calls when he didn't have to. Please try not to take care of him so much and just focus on taking care of YOU!
(((((Dinah)))))
Marie
Posted by Aphrodite on February 25, 2005, at 11:31:48
In reply to Sharing the burden (possible slight trigger), posted by Dinah on February 24, 2005, at 20:01:50
I too wonder why you think he was frustrated and what that was about. I think you should lean away and put all of that weight on the one leg for now. It won't be like this forever. Right now, you can't worry about new legs. Your T can handle it, and it seems like he really *wants* to handle it.
I don't have a soul I could tell suicidal or even every day concerns to. I know how isolating that is. My husband is not a safe person to talk to; that's why the money goes to the professional! As my husband always says, "Better him than me." (Yes, he's a bit of a jerk.)
I hope this all eases up for you very soon. How are things at work?
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2005, at 15:07:49
In reply to Re: Sharing the burden (possible slight trigger) » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on February 25, 2005, at 11:31:48
Chuckle. My husband sees my therapist as the guard between him and my craziness. He's more dependent on my therapist than I am. :)
I do let him hug me (even when it hurts), and I tell him as much as experience has taught me he can handle.
My therapist was frustrated Wednesday, about my work problems mainly. He admitted to it (one of his finer qualities), but it just occurred to me that it might be more than that. But he's convinced me he's not burning out on me.
He was so cute today. I suppose I should be somewhat appalled but he was just too funny, and made me laugh. And I don't laugh easily these days.
I made the embarassing admission that I am washing my hair very infrequently and generally not bathing on the days I don't have an appointment with him or a doctor. And he was asking me why I thought I might be doing that. And I was an obedient little client and trotted out all the unconscious motivations I could think of. After each one, he'd say "And can you think of anything else?" Finally I ran dry, and he was so obviously feeling excited about some sort of breakthrough that I laughed and told him he'd have to tell me because I'd run out of ideas.
"You're depressed!!" he said in almost relieved recognition. "I don't know why I didn't pick that up from the suicidal thinking!" He was so happy that I felt sort of maternal and reminded him that it was probably because he knew me so well. And he admitted that yes, he knows I get suicidal when I'm not clinically depressed.
So now he's relating everything to depression, and pushing me to get an antidepressant.
It was just so cute that it still makes me want to smile, although another part of me is somewhat astounded that he just now figured it out.
This is the end of the thread.
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