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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 17:06:28
My ex-T, and this won't be a surprise to anyone who knows me here, knows I come to this site to post.
So in with the letters the phone calls and all my posts, I've given him more information about myself than anyone has any right to know about anybody. Isn't that right? Now why would I do that????
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 17:12:36
In reply to A Great Deal of Knowledge, posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 17:06:28
Susan, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, ssshhh... and if someone thinks they have answers for everything, do they have an open space for something new, some new learning, to take place?
You used to be like that, Susan. You used to think you had all the answers, even when you knew you didn't, aside from the fact that that's common knowledge about anyone, you know personally that you're not infallible, you're not perfect you're not charmed or lucky or magic or invulnerable. You know your body betrays you, it gets older, older, and more and more unseemly and unbecoming, and one day it may even look like your mother's body, god forbid though I don't think so I have my dad in me too and he's physically quite okay. So. But that stomach, that big stomach why do people develop that, I never want that ever ever ever. Why the stomach, why is it stomach that always bothers you so much?
I should probably go for more acupuncture soon. I like this. All the effects ... there's the kids home.
Posted by pinkeye on February 15, 2005, at 17:24:00
In reply to A Great Deal of Knowledge, posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 17:06:28
My ex T and current T know that I come to this site too. But I don't feel they will bother looking into this site themselves - nor will they take the pain and energy required to go and figure out which alias I am in etc..and there isn't anything that I post here that I haven't told them myself.
I think you jsut told them about your coming to this site as part of disclosing everything about you related to psychiatry/psychotherapy because babble is an important learning place and a huge influence on what you do. I wouldn't feel comfortable participating in a board so much related to psychiatry without telling my psychiatrist about it.> My ex-T, and this won't be a surprise to anyone who knows me here, knows I come to this site to post.
> So in with the letters the phone calls and all my posts, I've given him more information about myself than anyone has any right to know about anybody. Isn't that right? Now why would I do that????
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 17:36:21
In reply to Re: A Great Deal of Knowledge, posted by pinkeye on February 15, 2005, at 17:24:00
It's a red-letter day for me.
Posted by pinkeye on February 15, 2005, at 17:56:57
In reply to Re: A Great Deal of Knowledge, posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 17:36:21
What does that term mean? I don't understand.
Posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 22:57:27
In reply to Re: A Great Deal of Knowledge, posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 17:36:21
Something red-letter is something very important.
So, it's a very important day for me.
BECAUSE, I don't feel I have any more secrets to hide, for anybody or from anybody. Mwah. I kinda like myself.
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 11:33:58
In reply to Re: A Great Deal of Knowledge, posted by Susan47 on February 15, 2005, at 22:57:27
I'm phoning, I've left two messages, probably three or four actually, in the last day, and I Hate myself for it. But I know I'm better than I was last year, last year I think I actually was psychotic, and I GOT psychotic WHILE I was in therapy with him, because I wasn't getting adequate therapy, and he wasn't treating me as an equal, he wasn't sharing, he wasn't honest, and I'm SO ANGRY WITH THAT &*()(*&^&^)E^R*(A&#$*(UW$(%. HOW COULD HE TREAT ME LIKE THAT?????
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 11:53:43
In reply to Okay, but I'm still so ANGRY, posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 11:33:58
I remember asking him once, what his advice would be to a patient who was suicidal. It wasn't his words that were important ("I'd tell them to go to Emergency") it was the effing smirk on his face that said it all "I will not be manipulated". TELL ME, HOW COULD ANY THERAPIST BE SO UNAWARE???? AND he dropped me while I was in psychosis, not even having the awareness to realize that much. I am so so very angry now. I know I have a right to be.
Posted by sunny10 on February 16, 2005, at 11:59:08
In reply to Re: Okay, but I'm still so ANGRY, posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 11:53:43
yes, you do have the right. Will this be something that you discuss with K ??
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 12:17:38
In reply to Re: Okay, but I'm still so ANGRY, posted by sunny10 on February 16, 2005, at 11:59:08
I will. I definitely will. I've spent far far too much time giving him opportunities to explain his poor behaviour; I've realized for a long time now that he was unable to give me the appropriate responses; he never fought for a relationship with me, his patient. He was lackadaisical. (His personality, HAH!) He simply did not engage with me. It's true that he was afraid of me. His behaviour abused me. It was inappropriate. I remember the times I needed to see him the most, when I tried to set up appointments, he would lie I'm sure of this, absolutely sure, and he would say he had no openings this week or next. What an a**hole. No guts, no courage, no ability to do the right thing. I'm so ANGRY, Sunny!! How do I deal with this? I have two weeks to wait, TWO WEEKS. The time seems endless, right now.
I remember when I first began posting on Babble, people with experience were telling me my t and let me down. I didn't believe them, I guess I wanted to shine this guy up so I could continue what I thought I needed to do, which I really did need to do. The fact that I'm doing better now, right now, can all be attributed to me. He did absolutely nothing to help me. No hand reaching out, nothing. Nothing.
Therapists have a lot of responsibility. My God, it's important to get someone who knows what they're doing. I'm lucky to be alive. I remember the first time I came really close to killing myself, it was the only time, as well. I called his machine, I told him what I wanted to do, I remember feeling split in two, and watching myself from a high distance. I remember. He knew, and he didn't call back even when he did get the message. He didn't call. He didn't call. What an A**hole.
Posted by sunny10 on February 16, 2005, at 13:10:41
In reply to Re: Okay, but I'm still so ANGRY, posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 12:17:38
he sounds completely unprofessional. I am glad you are seeing someone else to work on this with.
I also understand that two weeks IS a long time to wait to discuss this with K.
I'm glad that you're bringing it up here, with us.
Maybe you might want to think about printing out these threads as you go along until you get to see her and go through them with her. She will never get a closer insight to you than that to work from, IMO.
I truly believe that I haven't ever had "good therapy" because I never found one that I could be completely honest with. ( A matter of health insurance through my job... you can only go to T's that are "participating" in the specific insurance companies' plans)
But try (I know this is hard, but try) not to judge her before giving her a chance. She MUST maintain confidentiality, so being honest won't hurt you in any way. It can only help you exponentially vs pretending to be somebody else!
XOXOXOXOX
sunny10
Posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 13:47:35
In reply to Re: Okay, but I'm still so ANGRY, posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 12:17:38
I think you are getting into a loop - liking him, missing him, calling him and listening to his voicemail, getting frustrated, getting angry at him, and then go back to liking him etc and start the whole circuit again. I think it is what they call rumination.
You have to start breaking the loop somewhere..You should definitely try to work on this with your new T. I am guessing K refers to her?
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 14:22:03
In reply to Re: Okay, but I'm still so ANGRY, posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 13:47:35
I've considered that possibility but it's happening so fast now, the "loop" as you call it, yesterday then today. I don't feel like I'm going to go back to the "loving" because that was protecting him. I'm beginning to wonder if I set up the "love" (which is completely separate from the sexual issue - he's a sexy guy, unfortunately) I set it up in order to protect him, but why? Why did I feel the need to love and protect him, when he mistreated me, I mean, literally?
I finally broke all my silences, I have nothing left I feel I need to hide ... he's the one who's hiding. Hiding behind his profession.
I wonder how many therapists do that. Many, I suspect. Hubris? Oh how gross, how terribly terribly gross. CW had a great deal of that. Oh yes, and he showed it, too. Oh I'm so ANGRY. I can accept that my anger is partly coming from grief. But it's also stuff I always, always knew about him but rejected. I wanted to believe the best. I really did. I tried so hard, and it's time to let go.
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 14:36:35
In reply to Re: Okay, but I'm still so ANGRY » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 14:22:03
I would never have felt the need to feel close through all those sessions with his answering machine. I hate what he did to me. Frightened little man. How incredibly sad.
Posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 14:49:35
In reply to Re: Okay, but I'm still so ANGRY » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 14:22:03
I don't have too much of an answer to you. Maybe you are right and what he did was really wrong. What you are doing now, venting out is probably good for you. You should feel free to do as much of it as you want, here in babble. IT will help you move past it at somepoint.
What you have written about protecting him yourself is possible as well. If we like someone a lot, we tend to overlook their shortcomings, and their mistakes. It is a very common human behaviour - when we love someone, we don't see their shortcomings. It is not a mistake that you did.
I haven't had a bad experience with T myself so I always tend to think very highly of them - I have got hurt - but mostly it has been my own inappropriate expecatations that led me to get hurt and disappointed.. and I always realized it if not immediately, atleast a little later. That helps me come to terms with the hurt. And I am a professional myself, so I know the kind of mistakes that I do in my own profession, so I try not to hold my Ts at a higher standard than what I do myself in my own profession. I know I commit horrible mistakes, I am lazy and not always responsible. I don't read everything taht I should know and I am not uptodate and many times I am just plain irresponsible. So even if they make a mistake, I would most likely dispense it as an inadequacy rather than hold a grudge. That attitude helps me look at life in a better way and it is something I learnt - didn't come naturally.
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 15:46:56
In reply to Re: Okay, but I'm still so ANGRY » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 14:49:35
if he had the courage to be honest. He didn't trust me from the beginning, he knew I was very vulnerable, and he didn't know how to tell me that he probably shouldn't be trying to help me. So what he did was infinitely worse. And I don't blame him or fault him for being human, as a matter of fact I spent MONTHS understanding his mistake. But that fact that he won't admit he made one is very very ugly to me, and the fact that I spent the energy loving someone, really feeling love as closely as any human being can to any other human being, I loved that man, it was my super-human effort to forgive him. But I couldn't help the fact that he's got this ugly quality of hubris and he was willing, he DID sacrifice me to that.
He did. He sacrificed me.
Posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 16:00:47
In reply to I wouldn't be this angry » pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 15:46:56
I am sorry for what you are going through. I can understand how painful it must be.
He was probably incapable and maybe has his own issues in life.
What do you think would help you now? An apology from him looks like impossible to get right? What else would help you move past it? I would think, going to a new T and letting the new T know about all this would help. Substitution always works the best when we try to move past somethings in life. If your new T is someone you can trust and regard and love, that would be the best thing you can do for yourself now. Eventually you will be able to move past the anger and hurt.
Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 17:32:51
In reply to Re: I wouldn't be this angry » Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 16, 2005, at 16:00:47
This is the end of the thread.
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