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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2005, at 7:00:03
Residential treatment was never going to happen. He knew that but was concerned about the consequences of my having no hope. It was first suggested to me when my last therapist terminated me saying she got burned out. Apparantly this was explained to me a month ago but sometimes my memory fails. So it was explained to me again. The funding committee does have an agenda. They prioritise it according to *need*. but I am comparatively highly functioning so he knew my case wouldn't get to actually come up on the agenda. In all liklihood not for a year or two. If at all. That is too late for me.
I was upset. Missed out on a lot of work for when varsity starts up in March because I was uncertain whether I would be here or not. Thought I had missed out on a hostel placement as well as I didn't get an application in before the deadline because I really didn't think i was going to be here. Got up the courage to ask about the hostel situation today. First on the wait list. There are still places available in another hall. An expensive catered hall that I can't really afford, but I am happier here on campus then I have been my whole life. if I have to leave the country with a debt to accomodation services then so be it. I will work something out. It won't come to that if I can help it.
I have an appointment to have a specialist assessment on the 23rd. A two hour assessment. I am really scaired about it. I hate assessments. I have had so many where they have said i was making up stories and they recomended no treatment and stuff like that. The public system won't acknowledge or treat a disorder they maintain does not exist. Not even when I write papers trying to explain it to them. It is not that hard to understand. It is not. But it must be. So I am a borderline who is already privaledged with respect for treatment because I got a year of DBT which is more than most get.
He tells me it will be different being a private assessment. I don't believe him anymore. He tells me there are people in this region to treat me if she recomends that happen. I dont believe him any more. He tells me they will fund it if she recomends that. I dont believe him. Why didn't all this happen years ago? I have been in the service for 8 years. And getting anything at all was a constant battle. I had to fight so hard to work with people who were fairly clearly unsuitable from day one. Then we wonder why we both just end up more messed up.
I understand why he wanted me to have hope but I still don't feel good about either the situation or him.
So residential treatment is not a real option. It never was. I have been trying to get my head around that for the past couple of days. Maybe I was working on it on some level over the past month. I dont know.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 4, 2005, at 7:25:32
In reply to false hope, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2005, at 7:00:03
Ewwwww. It sounds like he was well-intentioned, but ewww. What a way to shatter trust.
I'm so sorry, alex. I'm sure this must just be devastating. Have yourself a good rant or cry or whatever feels right.
And then please try one more time to trust in the private assessment. Maybe all this crap that happened before is over and you just had to hook up with this one person who will "get it" and direct you to an awesome T.
Can you find hope again on your own? If not, I have hope for you. You are resilient.
(((((alexandraK))))
gg
Posted by Dinah on February 4, 2005, at 10:22:29
In reply to false hope, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2005, at 7:00:03
Too bad Dr. Bob won't let us cuss. It seems appropriate.
I know sometimes it seems easier to just quit fighting, but please don't. You're fighting the good fight, you're fighting for something that is very very precious and worth fighting for - Alexandra.
Posted by Daisym on February 4, 2005, at 10:46:17
In reply to false hope, posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2005, at 7:00:03
You sound so tired Alex...I can imagine after 8 years you would be.
But if you look at this another way, you've established yourself as a fighter. Anyone who didn't give up already is a mighty force to contend with.
I hope the private assessment works out. I'm sorry you've lost trust in your therapist. It sounds like it was well intentioned.
I'll add my hope to GGs and we'll keep building on it from here.take good care,
Daisy
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2005, at 17:38:55
In reply to Re: false hope » alexandra_k, posted by gardenergirl on February 4, 2005, at 7:25:32
Yeah. I guess I was wary of him before because he has misled me on numerous occasions now. He says he will do something and doesn't do it as well. Again and again and again. Things like turning his phone off in sessions etc. But now it is completely shattered. I believe he is and was well intentioned but I don't trust him.
I think crying is on the cards. I don't feel angry, just sad. But then I guess I have been a bit intolerant on the boards lately, so maybe thats where my anger got to...
I really don't have much hope / trust for the assessment. This isn't the only clinician who has broken my trust. At least he hasn't gotten too defensive and taken that out on me (yet), but I am wary...
That is what is hard about the assessment. I have had issues with trust for a long time. My years in the service haven't helped me learn to trust clinician's particularly. But I know I need to disclose for the assessment to be of any benefit.
Better study up on why it is cost effective for them to treat me.
I so hate this.
I feel manipulative.
But I don't see what else I can do.
I don't see what else is to be done.Thank you for your kind words.
And for the hug.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2005, at 17:41:24
In reply to Re: false hope » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on February 4, 2005, at 10:22:29
F*ck f*ck f*ck. We can cuss.
Don't worry, I'll hang in there.
There simply isn't anything else to be done.I'll be shattered if I don't get into the US though. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't want that to become so important to me. But I really am starting to see that I am never going to get treatment here. They are just full of sh*t.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 4, 2005, at 17:47:21
In reply to Re: false hope » alexandra_k, posted by Daisym on February 4, 2005, at 10:46:17
Yeah, I just feel so very tired at the moment.
I have been fighting a long time...
But there is only so much I can do by myself.
Even if I get someone on side there is still only so much they can do.With funding comittees that prioritise according to need it means that one can sit on the agenda without coming up for the meeting for years. You can't appeal a decision that hasn't been made yet.
I figure they wait for people to die or move on.
Stonewalled.
Apparantly this lady has already offered to treat me - but she lives too far away for me to see her. I should ask her if she wants to become an e-therapist. I am serious... Maybe I will...
But who knows. They could just be more kind but meaningless words.
The trouble is the more I fight the more they take that to confirm borderline me who hasn't shown any improvement...
They don't understand that they can't say that I haven't improved with treatment (which is why I shouldn't get any more) and that I am too highly functioning (which is why I don't need it) both at the same time.
But then it seems that I have a lesson to learn about public health system logic. Because it seems as though they can say that. They can and they do and there is nothing I can do or say about it. Or they agree 'in theory' but nothing ever changes as a consequence of that.
This is the end of the thread.
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