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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by memoryleaves on December 10, 2004, at 15:15:33
First off I just want to say that I'm sorry so many here are suffering so much at the moment, and I'm sorry I haven't been helpful. I feel bad for taking and not giving. I'm not usually like this, I promise. I love to lend an ear and provide a shoulder. I'm just a real mess right now. I know you understand, but I just had to say it anyway.
I don't know where to start. Well, my final EMDR session has seemed to open up something I cannot shut down, and now I'm wondering if *this* is the main thing that's been needing to be attended to. It was buried under trauma's that came after. I suppose I needed to deal with those first? But they're not even fully dealt with.
My father died when I was three. There was an accident. That's when the earth opened up and I began my lifelong freefall into nothingness. Nobody told me he died. My mother kept setting his place at the table, and I continued to fill my spot at the front window each evening looking for his car to pull up in the driveway. I'm not sure about my older sister's. I don't remember much. I was only three.
I don't remember *ever* thinking about my daddy until I reached my mid twenties and one of my sister's told me she could take me to his grave site. I was shocked that I'd never heard anything about it before.
I didn't know if he was buried or what. I didn't know anything. His death was that unreal to me. He was always *their* father, not mine.
It is unbelievable to me that something that felt so unreal to me has had the most devastating effects on my life. How could I not have known?
The traumas that came after feel so deliberate in a way. Like the people who hurt me knew I lost my daddy and they wanted to make the hole in my heart go all the way through my body. That's how I got invisable. They took everything.
I don't want to make this post too long. My question, "is this even possible?", is about an idea that occurred to me today. I spoke with my sister recently and told her I think I'm grieving. And she said not to bother, just press forward. I NEVER GOT TO MOURN MY DADDY'S DEATH. I only just in the last couple of day's have realized, truly realized and felt that he actually was MY DADDY TOO! And now I can't stop crying. I walk down the street and I'm bawling and I cannot control it. I had this so far buried before that I never cried, not in therapy, not ever.
I have no one to go to with this. I have to move in a couple of weeks. My place is nowhere near packed. I feel like I HAVE TO GRIEVE. There is no more keeping it stuffed down. But there is no time either. And people are expecting me for Christmas and I'm expected to be in good cheer. I don't want to be. I feel like nobody ever validated that he was my dad and that even though I was so young when he died, that of course it's still painful. Through my adult years I got a lot of comments like, "oh you were a baby so that's not so bad then." and "if you barely remember him then you're lucky". My sister has even acted this way towards me.
Back to my original question, I'm sorry, ahhhhh I'm a mess. Since nobody in my life can help support me through the grieving process, I wonder about hospitalization. I cannot function right now. And that just has to be all right. I want to go into the hospital and stay there straight through to the new year, and be alone with my daddy and do my grieving in my way and not to be judged for it and people to just let me be because I know what I need. All my life I felt like this dirty evil peice of clay that everybody molded to their will and desire and I WILL HAVE NO MORE OF THAT!!!!! There is no way that anybody can ask me to put on the happy mask right now. I deserve to remember my daddy and love him and say good-bye to him in my own way in my own time. He was really really my daddy.
Will a hospital take me in for a while? I'm not suicidal. I'm just not functioning. And I can't deal with any more stress.
Posted by Joslynn on December 10, 2004, at 17:01:26
In reply to Is this even possible? **Triggers**, posted by memoryleaves on December 10, 2004, at 15:15:33
(((Memory)))
I think what your saying makes sense, you were never allowed to mourn and now your brain is bringing it up to the surface because it knows you have to mourn.
I am not sure what advice to give. I know some hospitals have grieving programs.
My Mom lost her mother when she was only 3 and it still affects her to this day. She was allowed to mourn and was told the truth and it still is an ache in her heart.
I am so sorry people lied and you had to wait by that window! How terrible for a little child.
This sounds like a big breakthrough & may turn out to be a cleansing thing, as much as it hurts now. We all need "a time to mourn" --people can't just try to cancel it out, you have the right to feel it.
Posted by memoryleaves on December 10, 2004, at 18:07:27
In reply to Re: Is this even possible? **Triggers**, posted by Joslynn on December 10, 2004, at 17:01:26
Joslynn,
Thanks for such a supportive and validating post. I'm sorry your mother is still suffering. It's so painful to lose a parent.
I loved that you said, "people can't just cancel it out". It meant a lot to me that you said that because that's exactly what I feel.
I am going to see how I do over the weekend and if I can no longer bear it even with Klonopin, I'm going to the hospital. This pain is scaring me. I need rest and time to heal in a safe place. I hope the hospital has the grieving program you mentioned.
Thanks again, Joslynn. I hope you have a peaceful nite.
Memory
Posted by Daisym on December 10, 2004, at 20:20:07
In reply to Is this even possible? **Triggers**, posted by memoryleaves on December 10, 2004, at 15:15:33
I'm sorry you are in such pain. I want to reassure you that what you are thinking and feeling IS possible -- you are grieving a loss in a profound way. You were essentially abandoned and had no comfort or explanation. The confusion you must have felt as a child is painful to even think about. Death IS an abandonment to a child - even though it couldn't be helped -- that is how it feels. So it lays down a foundation for your life that is unsteady. Especially since 3 is such a precarious age of pushing away and clinging to parents.
Mourning is a process though. It is intensely bad, lightens up, and then gets bad again. It is possible to soften it by talking through it and by being gentle with yourself. I don't think you can push through it in 2 weeks. But those two weeks might help you stabalize yourself and begin to function again. I have no idea if hospitals will take you if you aren't suicidal. My guess is that they will have you rest at home. You are going through another huge stressor with moving. Don't discount this as adding to your loss.
I think you should call your therapist. I know you are "finished" with her. But the way you sound, you need some help. And she already knows you. She might be able to provide some advice about what to say to the hospital if you decide to go. I'm sure she would want to know the tremendous pain you are in.
Take good care. Hugs from me.
Daisy(btw, there are usually less posters on Friday for some reason so don't take it personal if you don't get many answers until Monday.)
Posted by Aphrodite on December 11, 2004, at 20:06:29
In reply to Is this even possible? **Triggers**, posted by memoryleaves on December 10, 2004, at 15:15:33
I am so sorry for your very immense pain. The holiday season, I know, only compounds it. Do you have a particular hospital in mind? Could you call and talk to someone there about what you might need? They may have referrals or other options for you. In my city, there are some behaviorial treatment centers you can check yourself into without being suicidal. Sometimes they let you go just during the day and you can be home at night or you can stay.
It sounds like you have way to much on your plate. It also sounds like your EMDR session didn't have proper closure -- I had that happen once. I felt like I went in for surgery and my T forgot to do the stitching.
Is there anyone IRL you can turn to? You are going through real and profound grief.
Have things improved any this weekend?
Please let us know what you decide, OK?
Posted by Susan47 on December 11, 2004, at 20:24:15
In reply to Re: Is this even possible? **Triggers** » Joslynn, posted by memoryleaves on December 10, 2004, at 18:07:27
This is a wonderful thing happening to you, finally, memoryleaves. Finally, you're validating your grief. Go girl, and do whatever it takes to give yourself what you need right now, and for however lon it takes, do you have a husband who will stick up for you when you can't do it for yourself, so you can opt out of Christmas and tell everybody to go away?
Posted by memoryleaves on December 13, 2004, at 11:27:36
In reply to Re: Is this even possible? **Triggers**, posted by Daisym on December 10, 2004, at 20:20:07
Hi Daisy,
Thank you so much for your words. Are you sure you're not a therapist yourself? If not, I think you'd make a great one.
I took your advice and called my T. I had to leave a message and am awaiting a call back. This gives me something to hang onto and have hope for, but I have to admit, I will definitely be devastated if he tells me he cannot see me one more time. I cannot face my new life in the new/old city and all the people I am going back to unless I am somewhat stabilized. I just can't. They won't allow me to mourn. They will make me get a job straightaway and push push push. It's too much pressure if you're not ready. And sobbing on the kitchen floor one minute and staring off into space the next does not make me fit for the life they expect of me. I threw my dinner at the wall yesterday. I couldn't understand why I would eat.
So you see, I need one more EMDR session if I even want to entertain the idea of celebrating Christmas and moving. I need to work through things with the loss of my father, with my T. I know I can't expect miracles from one session, or ever really, but I know from experience that I can expect some sort of containment to carry me for a little while at least. I need to at least be able to function on some level.
Thanks again for helping me sort this out. Also your support and validation meant a lot.
Memory
Ahh and thanks for your little note that people don't post much on Friday's to make sure I didn't feel ignored. That was very sweet and thoughtful. Gosh you really would make a wonderful T:)
Posted by memoryleaves on December 13, 2004, at 11:42:57
In reply to Re: Is this even possible? **Triggers** » memoryleaves, posted by Aphrodite on December 11, 2004, at 20:06:29
Hi Aphrodite,
Thanks for writing and for your support. I'm not functioning so well, but I've gained a smidgen of hope as I await a call back from my T. I have asked for one more EMDR session before I move away. This is crucial because I cannot shut this down, and will not have any sort of medical/therapeutic followup for at least 3 months because of the healthcare switch to where I am moving to. There is a 3 month waiting period.
If my T cannot see me, which could turn out to be the case because it's the Christmas season, I'm afraid I will fall apart. I don't even want to think about what will happen. It will devastate me. I don't expect a miracle from the session, just some containment, you know? Yes, you know since you've been there. Did you get right back to your T and make things better straightaway? I hope you didn't have to suffer for long. Are you still undergoing EMDR?
Thanks again so very much,
Memory
Posted by memoryleaves on December 13, 2004, at 11:52:27
In reply to Re: Is this even possible? **Triggers**, posted by Susan47 on December 11, 2004, at 20:24:15
Hi Susan47,
I liked your post. Thanks. You know, there is a part of me that believes what you say, and is hopeful that this could very well be a huge healing turning point in my life. I think that's why I haven't done anything detrimentally drastic. But, the pain is unbelievable and I do feel like I'm going crazy. It's hard to imagine actually getting through this.
I will carry your words with me because they give me hope.
Thank you,
Memory
Posted by memoryleaves on December 13, 2004, at 14:10:06
In reply to Re: Is this even possible? **Triggers** » Susan47, posted by memoryleaves on December 13, 2004, at 11:52:27
Posted by Susan47 on December 13, 2004, at 20:32:51
In reply to Re: Is this even possible? **Triggers** » Susan47, posted by memoryleaves on December 13, 2004, at 11:52:27
Grief does that, it makes you feel like you're going crazy. And the deeper the grief, the crazier you feel. The hope is that there are stages in grief that can be mapped, and you're a human with a support system, and will most likely follow that map ... and come out strong in the end. Come here for support whenever you want it. You'll get it.
Posted by daisym on December 14, 2004, at 0:18:36
In reply to T gave me new appt!!! Crying tears of gratitude!!! (nm), posted by memoryleaves on December 13, 2004, at 14:10:06
I'm glad you are going to see your old therapist. When is your appointment? In the meantime I hope you are eating something and taking care of yourself. I don't know if you are a spiritual person but sometimes thinking of a way to actually say good bye to your dad, something that should have happened long ago, might give you some closure and a concrete way to focus your grief for a little while. Just a thought...
Take care. I'd like to know how you are doing.
Daisy
Posted by daisym on December 17, 2004, at 18:50:22
In reply to T gave me new appt!!! Crying tears of gratitude!!! (nm), posted by memoryleaves on December 13, 2004, at 14:10:06
How did it go? How are you feeling. I've been watching for a post.
Hope things are better.
Daisy
Posted by memoryleaves on December 17, 2004, at 21:48:02
In reply to Re: T gave me new appt!!! Crying tears of gratitude!!! » memoryleaves, posted by daisym on December 17, 2004, at 18:50:22
Hi Daisy,
How thoughtful of you to post and be thinking of me. Thank you.
Oh my. I just wrote you a post but deleted it because I'm just in one of those empty worthless feeling states where I feel nothing I can say or do is right. I'm sorry.
I will come back and tell of the session when I am in a better frame of mind, okay? I wish I was stronger. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. I have been reading, just feeling unable to post much. I admire your perseverence. I admire everyone on this board who is in pain but still can post so much to support others. I want to be that way too. I think I used to be. I hope I can be again.
I offer hugs if you are okay with them. I hope things start to feel better for you very soon. Thanks again for checking in on me, it means a lot.
Memory
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