Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 350252

Shown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff

Posted by crushedout on May 24, 2004, at 20:37:13

...or just bad luck?)

Ever since my T told me she thinks I have BPD I've been trying to figure out if she's crazy or if I am [half-joking]. It's hard not to start seeing everything in my life as fitting within the diagnosis. I even wonder if it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy, like, I'm living up to my diagnosis because I don't want to disappoint my therapist.

Anyway, one of my closest friends just applied for a job at the place I used to work, which was once my dream job but because I had a souring experience when I worked there, I no longer want it or think they would hire me (I kind of burned my bridges).

I actually emailed her as soon as I saw the job listing to tell her how much it hurt me to see it. Several weeks later she told me that a friend of hers was trying to talk her into applying but that she was definitely not going to. But the next week, she completely changed her mind and decided to apply. She told me it hesitantly, knowing it might upset me. And it did. It feels like a betrayal, even though I don't want the job myself. It's kind of like when you have a bad relationship and you end it; just because you ended it doesn't mean you won't be upset if your best friend suddenly starts dating the dumpee without even checking it out with you first, right? That's how this feels and I am so mad at her, I don't know what to do. I just think she should have talked to me about it first. She should have said, "Here's what I'm thinking of doing, but I care about you and I don't want to hurt you or jeopardize our friendship over this job, so I wanted to talk to you about your feelings about it before I do anything." Then, as a good friend, I would have had to say, "Look this won't be easy for me, but I think you should apply and I will learn to deal with it." Instead she just went ahead and decided and told me after-the-fact and also told me that she felt guilty but that she didn't think she *should* feel guilty because she'd done nothing wrong.

At first I thought rationally, she hadn't done anything "wrong" -- it just hurt me. But then I changed my mind. I do think she did something wrong. I think she should have included me in the process the way I outline above. Am I just rationalizing my anger?

I think we ended our friendship over this today. A really, really long, solid friendship. But I can't forgive her and I can't be supportive of her decision because of the way she made it. And that's not the only friendship I've ended recently. What's wrong with me? What do I do?

I guess I'll talk about this with my T tomorrow, but if anyone has any experience with stuff like this, I'd love to hear it.

 

Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff crushedout

Posted by partlycloudy on May 24, 2004, at 20:57:25

In reply to I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff, posted by crushedout on May 24, 2004, at 20:37:13

I would think if one of my closest friends applied for a job they knew I had held, they would have called before. Or they aren't as close as you think. I am a very mistrustful person. I have been so sweet and trusting that I have kicked the very ladder out from under me, becuase I thought it was the Right Thing to do.

I would confront her about it.
At least, in my present mind.

 

Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff partlycloudy

Posted by crushedout on May 24, 2004, at 21:10:41

In reply to Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff crushedout, posted by partlycloudy on May 24, 2004, at 20:57:25

Well, it's a relief to hear that you would be mad, too.

But I did confront her. She said that she "couldn't" talk to me about it before making her decision, for a variety of reasons. I didn't think that was good enough. She said, "fine, let's just not be friends anymore." I said, "Suits me fine." So, that's that, I guess. I guess I feel like, "With friends like that, who needs enemies?" but she really is a good person and we have a very long history, so I should be sad, and sometimes I am.

 

Another perspective? crushedout

Posted by Racer on May 24, 2004, at 21:41:41

In reply to Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff partlycloudy, posted by crushedout on May 24, 2004, at 21:10:41

Maybe it's because I'm older, but I saw two things about all of this:

1. I think you're onto something about trying to live up to your diagnosis in order to please your therapist. It might be something for you to discuss in session.

2. The friend issue: Oy, vey. There are two sides to this, and both have validity, so I'm not going to offer an opinion, only try to show the sides I see:

On the one hand, yes, it would have been better for the friendship for her to have discussed with you her decision to apply for that job before doing so. That way, you would not have had the whole thing thrown at you as a fait accompli with the feelings of betrayal that brought on. That's a little bit ampliphied by her telling you previously that she wasn't going to apply for the job, too. Yes, you want to be involved with your friend in a good friendship, that's what it's all about, so for major life decisions, like changing jobs, you want to be part of it to offer opinions, advice, support, etc. And your friend telling you that she just couldn't talk to you first must feel as though she was skulking around behind your back -- betraying you.

On the other hand, major life decisions have to be made by the person who's life is involved. Meaning, she really didn't need to have your approval before applying for that job. If that was not the right job for you, it might still be the right job for her -- and neither one of you would have been wrong, it would just be the fit of the job to the person.

Even without an opinion, I am sorry this happened and distressed you so much. And I'm sorry that this has impaired a friendship that meant so much to you. Give it a day or so to stop hurting so much and think about calling her to see if the two of you can repair whatever damage was done.

Good luck.

 

Re: Another perspective? Racer

Posted by crushedout on May 24, 2004, at 21:51:22

In reply to Another perspective? crushedout, posted by Racer on May 24, 2004, at 21:41:41

Thanks, Racer. I agree she didn't need my permission to apply, but it seems like, given the history, if she cared about our friendship, she would have just *talked* about it with me before doing it. I don't mean she needed to ask. Of course, I guess I'm suggesting she should have disingenuously made me *feel* like she was checking with me first, but then if I'd said no, she should have gone ahead and did it anyway. Oh, I don't know.

I appreciate that you see both sides. Makes me think it's not black and white, which is good and sensible, and gives me hope for the friendship (if not for my sanity).

 

Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff

Posted by shadows721 on May 24, 2004, at 22:02:18

In reply to I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff, posted by crushedout on May 24, 2004, at 20:37:13

Crushed,

Why is that friend applying for a position that used to be yours? I would thing that was a competition thing. I mean all the jobs out there and they want the one that I had. Hmmmm Would I be hurt? Yes, it's only natural that if I had a bad experience, that I wouldn't want to hear someone doing great there and rub it in later. What's their real motive competition or jealousy? Is this the only job out there for their qualifications? If so, then I would understand why they applied there. But, it would still hurt. You can think this all over and decide later that you may or may not want this friend. Friends make mistakes too. Your friend may later admit that.

Have you asked why your t thinks you have BPD? What does it mean to you if you do? If I understand diagnosing correctly, it shouldn't change things just help explain them.

 

Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff shadows721

Posted by crushedout on May 25, 2004, at 21:06:05

In reply to Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff, posted by shadows721 on May 24, 2004, at 22:02:18


hi shadows,

i'm sorry i haven't responded. i've been working really hard these days and i'm tired. these are good questions that are really hard to answer. i'm going to hold off posting till i have a little more energy to devote to thinking about this stuff, which at times can just be so overwhelming.

thanks for writing to me. :)

crushedout

 

my friend called me

Posted by crushedout on May 26, 2004, at 8:39:39

In reply to Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff, posted by shadows721 on May 24, 2004, at 22:02:18


I talked to my T about this yesterday. She seemed to see both sides of it and urged me not to judge myself for my feelings of betrayal and competition and anger, or my inability to be supportive to my friend right now. She thinks we may need distance but that the friendship cannot end that easily.

I guess she was right because my friend called me last night. She said she was sad, she didn't want things to be this way. I said I guess I just needed some time. It was sad but at least she called. I thanked her for that.

The really hard part right now is that Friday's my birthday and I was supposed to spend it with her but now I have no one to spend it with. Makes me feel pretty lonely.

 

Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff shadows721

Posted by crushedout on May 26, 2004, at 9:44:25

In reply to Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff, posted by shadows721 on May 24, 2004, at 22:02:18


shadows,

> Why is that friend applying for a position that
used to be yours?

We've both been interested in a very small field. It's complicated. But there really aren't that many jobs in this area.


>Hmmmm Would I be hurt? Yes, it's only natural that if I had a bad experience, that I wouldn't want to hear someone doing great there and rub it in later.

Yeah, it's kind of a relief for me to hear that my feelings are pretty normal, so I'm glad you would feel the same way.


> Have you asked why your t thinks you have BPD? What does it mean to you if you do?

I'm not sure if I've come right out and asked her this exactly, although when she brought it up the first time, I'm sure she gave me some sort of explanation. I can't recall what it was. Maybe I should ask her again.

I'm also not sure what it means to me if I do. That's a tough question to answer. On the one hand, it makes me feel like I'm even more f'ed up than I realized. On the other, it's sort of comforting to have a label, a reason, something like that, for why I've been f'ed up all this time. I think the answer to your question is a lot more complicated than that, but that's the long and the short of it. (Am I using that expression correctly? I'm not sure.)

crushed

 

Re: I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff crushedout

Posted by terrics on May 26, 2004, at 16:53:28

In reply to I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff, posted by crushedout on May 24, 2004, at 20:37:13

Don't freak over the BPD dx. I did, big time. Then I started looking at myself. How I burn all bridges, how I inadvertently demean people. How I screamed. [before I was on lithium,] and most of all how I talked to people. Also, I was ALWAYS depressed. I hated the T who diagnosed me. She just left me sitting there crying. I cried for 2 hours. Heavens knows where she was.
This actually has a point. I started to work on myself and fixed some stuff without therapy. Needless to say I dumped that T. Actually I fixed alot. Then I found a T. with BPD, fairly recovered and she had some very good ideas too. Now I am doing DBT which is only for BPD. The point is, don't panic. Even if you have it you are still good and do not forget it. terrics I am good too. bpd and all

 

Re: Happy birthday! (nm) crushedout

Posted by Dinah on May 28, 2004, at 19:52:03

In reply to my friend called me, posted by crushedout on May 26, 2004, at 8:39:39

 

Re: Happy birthday! Dinah

Posted by crushedout on May 28, 2004, at 22:57:44

In reply to Re: Happy birthday! (nm) crushedout, posted by Dinah on May 28, 2004, at 19:52:03


Wow, Dinah. Thanks for remembering. That's really sweet. Three minutes left. I made it through!

 

Re: Happy birthday!...from me, too! (nm) crushedout

Posted by gardenergirl on May 29, 2004, at 1:22:04

In reply to Re: Happy birthday! Dinah, posted by crushedout on May 28, 2004, at 22:57:44

 

thanks gg :) (nm) gardenergirl

Posted by crushedout on May 29, 2004, at 7:57:08

In reply to Re: Happy birthday!...from me, too! (nm) crushedout, posted by gardenergirl on May 29, 2004, at 1:22:04


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