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I'm losing all my friends (is this more BPD stuff

Posted by crushedout on May 24, 2004, at 20:37:13

...or just bad luck?)

Ever since my T told me she thinks I have BPD I've been trying to figure out if she's crazy or if I am [half-joking]. It's hard not to start seeing everything in my life as fitting within the diagnosis. I even wonder if it's not a self-fulfilling prophecy, like, I'm living up to my diagnosis because I don't want to disappoint my therapist.

Anyway, one of my closest friends just applied for a job at the place I used to work, which was once my dream job but because I had a souring experience when I worked there, I no longer want it or think they would hire me (I kind of burned my bridges).

I actually emailed her as soon as I saw the job listing to tell her how much it hurt me to see it. Several weeks later she told me that a friend of hers was trying to talk her into applying but that she was definitely not going to. But the next week, she completely changed her mind and decided to apply. She told me it hesitantly, knowing it might upset me. And it did. It feels like a betrayal, even though I don't want the job myself. It's kind of like when you have a bad relationship and you end it; just because you ended it doesn't mean you won't be upset if your best friend suddenly starts dating the dumpee without even checking it out with you first, right? That's how this feels and I am so mad at her, I don't know what to do. I just think she should have talked to me about it first. She should have said, "Here's what I'm thinking of doing, but I care about you and I don't want to hurt you or jeopardize our friendship over this job, so I wanted to talk to you about your feelings about it before I do anything." Then, as a good friend, I would have had to say, "Look this won't be easy for me, but I think you should apply and I will learn to deal with it." Instead she just went ahead and decided and told me after-the-fact and also told me that she felt guilty but that she didn't think she *should* feel guilty because she'd done nothing wrong.

At first I thought rationally, she hadn't done anything "wrong" -- it just hurt me. But then I changed my mind. I do think she did something wrong. I think she should have included me in the process the way I outline above. Am I just rationalizing my anger?

I think we ended our friendship over this today. A really, really long, solid friendship. But I can't forgive her and I can't be supportive of her decision because of the way she made it. And that's not the only friendship I've ended recently. What's wrong with me? What do I do?

I guess I'll talk about this with my T tomorrow, but if anyone has any experience with stuff like this, I'd love to hear it.




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