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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 11:23:15
In reply to ((((crushed)))) (nm), posted by gardenergirl on May 3, 2004, at 10:47:44
i'm afraid you guys will think i'm disgusting if i tell you this, but i cut myself in a really weird place last night. do you know what i mean? has anyone else done this?please don't hate me.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 3, 2004, at 11:29:42
In reply to disturbing confession ****likely trigger, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 11:23:15
Crushedout,
I'm sorry you are going through such pain. I'm worried about you. I can't answer your question, but I just wanted to make sure that you don't need any medical attention. I hope not, but if you do, please don't be embarrassed. Just get yourself whatever you need.And take care!
gg
Posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 11:35:34
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger, posted by gardenergirl on May 3, 2004, at 11:29:42
don't worry, gg. i'm fine, really. no medical attention needed. but i appreciate your concern.
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2004, at 12:07:44
In reply to disturbing confession ****likely trigger, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 11:23:15
No one's going to hate you, but I am concerned that the behavior is escalating. You need to talk honestly about this with your therapist.
And please be careful about infection. All sorts of flora and fauna you know.
Posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 12:14:19
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger » crushedout, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2004, at 12:07:44
thanks, dinah. i'm so embarrassed. I kind of wish I hadn't told you guys. I don't know how i could tell my t this.
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2004, at 12:41:29
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger » Dinah, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 12:14:19
Nothing to be embarassed about. She knows you have body parts. Besides, isn't humiliating ourselves before our therapists what therapy is all about? Sorry, rough session leaking through. :(
Posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 14:15:09
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2004, at 12:41:29
what happened? (if you want to talk about it)
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 3, 2004, at 15:33:36
In reply to disturbing confession ****likely trigger, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 11:23:15
Oh Gosh Crushed I could never hate you..I have never cut in that kinda area..and I KNOW what you mean but..I do have a friend that did a while back and she said it had an erotic excitment...anyhow her T was told but didnt comment much on it and said its not the same as SI/cutting....I asked MY T on her and he said..he had heard of it....please tell your T...You dont want to make it a habit and get like infections and stuff
>
> i'm afraid you guys will think i'm disgusting if i tell you this, but i cut myself in a really weird place last night. do you know what i mean? has anyone else done this?
>
> please don't hate me.
Posted by Aphrodite on May 3, 2004, at 15:45:35
In reply to disturbing confession ****likely trigger, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 11:23:15
How could anyone hate you for suffering?
Please tell your therapist -- put it in writing if you have to.
Posted by Dinah on May 3, 2004, at 16:35:02
In reply to ((((Dinah)))), posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 14:15:09
A Big Old Fight. :(
Nothing I won't live through. But there was something I didn't want to tell him and I told him anyway and felt sort of violated by his insistance. He got angry with me and I can't take anger and I caved. Fortunately, I'm relatively certain that he didn't understand the entire meaning of what I said. He insisted that the session run overtime and I *think* I corrected the misperception he had about what I meant.
I'll live. I'm just kind of annoyed that he was so insistent. And embarassed.
Believe me, it feels much better and less embarassing if you volunteer information.
Posted by Raindancer on May 3, 2004, at 17:19:39
In reply to disturbing confession ****likely trigger, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 11:23:15
Dear Crushed, No-one will hate you, just be sad about your pain. Do take care of yourself. Thinking of you.
Raindancer
((((Crushed))))
Posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 19:55:55
In reply to disturbing confession ****likely trigger, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 11:23:15
>
> i'm afraid you guys will think i'm disgusting if i tell you this, but i cut myself in a really weird place last night. do you know what i mean? has anyone else done this?
>
> please don't hate me.I don't hate you. I don't think it's disgusting. I think the same things as the other people who've posted--you need to take better care of yourself.
I hope you are feeling better.
Posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 22:33:16
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger » crushedout, posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 19:55:55
Thank you all for your concern and for not finding me disgusting. I really kind of wished I hadn't posted that. I feel stupid. But you're all very nice.I feel guilty also for worrying you all. I'm really fine. Just twisted and evil.
I know I should tell my T but I'm afraid she will fire me. Or just get mad. Or it'll screw stuff up somehow. Also, I have so many other things I need to talk to her about (like working through the transference, needing another session). But I see her tomorrow morning. I'll try to at least do *something* productive with the session. I know I should tell her. I'm scared.
Posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 23:03:29
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 22:33:16
>
> Thank you all for your concern and for not finding me disgusting. I really kind of wished I hadn't posted that. I feel stupid. But you're all very nice.
>It's okay to feel stupid.
> I feel guilty also for worrying you all. I'm really fine. Just twisted and evil.
>Twisted? I think everyone is a little twisted. But evil? Evil is when you injure other people, not yourself.
> I know I should tell my T but I'm afraid she will fire me. Or just get mad. Or it'll screw stuff up somehow. Also, I have so many other things I need to talk to her about (like working through the transference, needing another session). But I see her tomorrow morning. I'll try to at least do *something* productive with the session. I know I should tell her. I'm scared.
I don't know much about your T. Has she said she will terminate you if you continue to SI? Does she get mad at you about it?You're right, you should tell her. It's pretty important. You told us, you can tell her. I think it's bothering you a lot and you will feel better if you tell her, even though it's scary.
Take care of yourself, and have a good session.
Posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 23:24:35
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger » crushedout, posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 23:03:29
Hi Ilene.I like you.
Well, my T sort of threatened me with termination once I think it was partly because I cut myself. I wasn't so sure how seriously to take it. Her exact words were: "I can't work with that."
Then she's gotten mad at me plenty for cutting, yes. Sometimes I actually wonder if I cut in part because I *want* her to terminate me. But of course it would also devastate me. I've sort of told her this.
Posted by fallsfall on May 4, 2004, at 9:14:45
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger » Ilene, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 23:24:35
Crushed,
I didn't get to this board yesterday.
I guess the only suggestion I have is to try to concentrate on the *causes* rather than the *symptoms*. You can list the symptoms, but you could spend forever working on symptoms, and you would keep coming up with new ones. If you can address the *cause* (why do you want her so badly???) then the symptoms just go away on their own.
Clearly you are screaming that this cause is vitally important to you.
Let us know how your session goes.
Posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 10:04:25
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger » Ilene, posted by crushedout on May 3, 2004, at 23:24:35
>
> Hi Ilene.
>
> I like you.
>Thanks. I like you too.
> Well, my T sort of threatened me with termination once I think it was partly because I cut myself. I wasn't so sure how seriously to take it. Her exact words were: "I can't work with that."
>
> Then she's gotten mad at me plenty for cutting, yes. Sometimes I actually wonder if I cut in part because I *want* her to terminate me. But of course it would also devastate me. I've sort of told her this.You don't want to hear this--and it's only my personal opinion, and I'm no expert--but I think you need a new therapist. If she says she can't work with SI, which is one of your difficulties, then you need to find someone who can. I realize you are deeply attached to her, but I think your desire to please her is inhibiting you, because the situation causes you to feel guilty:
You can't work on the problem of SI, because *she* can't deal with it;
You feel guilty, because you continue to SI, and you want to please her;
Now you have the secondary problem of the guilt, which you can't talk about either;
The additional stress probably triggers SI.
This is a quote from a self-injury website:
"Therapists need to examine their own motives for wanting a client to cease or stabilize his/her self-injurious behavior. Too often, care providers focus on stopping the SI as quickly as possible because they themselves are not comfortable with it -- it repulses them, makes them feel ineffective, frightens them, etc. Situations like this can easily deteriorate into a power struggle in which the therapist insists that the behavior stop and the client chooses to self-injure covertly and becomes reticent and distrustful, thus reducing the chance that a useful therapeutic alliance will be formed."The site is called secret shame (self-injury information and support). This is the main page:
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html
This is the page on self-help.
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/fself.htmlI hope this helps.
Posted by crushedout on May 4, 2004, at 10:45:29
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger » crushedout, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 10:04:25
she seriously threatened to terminate me. she seemed really angry and wouldn't communicate with me. she said she wanted to "leave me on the hook." i'm sure this makes her sound awful but she has a strategy i'm sure. i just know i feel awful adn i have to sleep it off. i'll try to write more about it later.withhold judgment till you hear the whole story. please. i need unbiased support, but i keep making my t sound like a monster. she's not. i'm the monster.
Posted by All Done on May 4, 2004, at 10:50:52
In reply to today's session was awful, posted by crushedout on May 4, 2004, at 10:45:29
You are not a monster, crushed. You are a sweet, kind, loving person.
I'm sorry today went so badly.
(((((crushed)))))
Take care,
All Done
Posted by B2chica on May 4, 2004, at 11:10:28
In reply to today's session was awful, posted by crushedout on May 4, 2004, at 10:45:29
(((CrushedOut)))
i'm sorry i missed out on this conversation. I have not cut myself right on those parts, but i have dreams (day and night) about slicing up my breasts so that there's nothing left, i haven't because i talk myself through it reminding that these are MINE and only MINE and i need to take care of them, protect them. the other place i tend to cut along the "bikini line" if you know where that it. so very close 1)it bleeds real good 2)i don't have to worry about cutting into a muscle.
Evil??? NEVER!! you are in pain. you cut probably because you can't get out what needs to come out.i'm afraid i agree with Ilene on this one. i have heard of many T's not being able to cope with this...that is their problem either they can help you or they can't. a good T will tell you that at that point they can no longer help you and you should switch. I finally told my T last week about the cutting, he was suprised but did not look disgusted with me (as i did). yesterday's appt was tough for me, because i did a lot of cutting this weekend and yesterday i'm just thinking at my age what the hell is wrong with me. and that i'm tired of cutting yet right now there is nothing in this world that would make me give it up.
I think i need it to survive. I think everyone who cuts is using it to get through some rough stuff.
Please, you need to be upfront with your T and say i cut, and i don't forsee me stopping, can you help me through this? if they are not or can't hopefully they will tell you and maybe refer you to someone who can.
I completely understand and would NEVER judge you or anyone who cuts.
Please take care of yourself, and i admire that you didn't hold back and you shared that with us. I think that's a big step for you and i admire that. i think you're stronger than you think.
B2c.> she seriously threatened to terminate me. she seemed really angry and wouldn't communicate with me. she said she wanted to "leave me on the hook." i'm sure this makes her sound awful but she has a strategy i'm sure. i just know i feel awful adn i have to sleep it off. i'll try to write more about it later.
>
> withhold judgment till you hear the whole story. please. i need unbiased support, but i keep making my t sound like a monster. she's not. i'm the monster.
Posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 11:15:53
In reply to today's session was awful, posted by crushedout on May 4, 2004, at 10:45:29
>
> she seriously threatened to terminate me. she seemed really angry and wouldn't communicate with me. she said she wanted to "leave me on the hook." i'm sure this makes her sound awful but she has a strategy i'm sure. i just know i feel awful adn i have to sleep it off. i'll try to write more about it later.
>
> withhold judgment till you hear the whole story. please. i need unbiased support, but i keep making my t sound like a monster. she's not. i'm the monster.
I'm sorry your session went badly.*You* are not the monster. You may feel like one, but that doesn't make you one. Feelings and reality can be light-years apart. I know this from direct experience. (That knowledge does not cure the pain of my emotions, but it helps.)
Yes, you need unbiased support. From yourself, too.
I just think you and your T are not well-matched.
Posted by crushedout on May 4, 2004, at 11:55:44
In reply to today's session was awful, posted by crushedout on May 4, 2004, at 10:45:29
i can't sleep. i feel so anxious and insecure. i know i'm not really a monster. i don't know why i said that. i'm just really messed up and difficult and she's sick of me. finally. i made her sick of me. i don't know whether or how to end this.
Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2004, at 12:34:26
In reply to Re: today's session was awful, posted by crushedout on May 4, 2004, at 11:55:44
Crushed, I'm glad you realize you aren't a monster. She doesn't have to be either. It's possible in a bad situation for no one to be a monster.
I'm sorry you're hurting. :(
I can't help wondering if your therapist and your cutting are so intertwined at the moment that you both need some external support and a detached eye. I do understand that you don't feel that you can leave her.
I find that a Risperdal is all that can calm me down when I'm really agitated. Do you have a pdoc to call for suggestions?
Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2004, at 12:43:55
In reply to Re: today's session was awful, posted by crushedout on May 4, 2004, at 11:55:44
If you feel like venting. If not, no problem, I've got Amazon browsing I can do.
Posted by lonelygirl on May 4, 2004, at 13:13:09
In reply to Re: disturbing confession ****likely trigger » crushedout, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 10:04:25
Just to play devil's advocate for a minute...
Crushedout, I wonder if your therapist thinks she is helping you by acting like your SI is a personal affront to her. Since she knows that you have such an attachment to her, perhaps she thinks that bringing her personal feelings into it will make you stop cutting to "please" her. I can imagine that this approach might work for some people. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying this is an effective way of treating you (clearly, it hasn't been), but perhaps her underlying motivation for acting this way is to help you.
Do you think you could ask her what she hopes to accomplish by getting angry with you and threatening termination? If she thinks her response is going to help you?
> This is a quote from a self-injury website:
> "Therapists need to examine their own motives for wanting a client to cease or stabilize his/her self-injurious behavior. Too often, care providers focus on stopping the SI as quickly as possible because they themselves are not comfortable with it -- it repulses them, makes them feel ineffective, frightens them, etc. Situations like this can easily deteriorate into a power struggle in which the therapist insists that the behavior stop and the client chooses to self-injure covertly and becomes reticent and distrustful, thus reducing the chance that a useful therapeutic alliance will be formed."
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