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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 12:19:34
I am feeling very conflicted right now, like somehow I missed something yesterday during Therapy -=- like I missed an opportunity of some sort.
During the session my Therapist asked, "is this really what you want to be talking about today? Does it feel important?" I said "yes, I guess. I didn't really have any big burning issue." That was pretty much a lie! I just didn't want to sound like a broken record again. Not that the issue we were talking about wasn't important. I just wasn't completely "present" yesterday. I had to keep pulling myself back to the conversation and out of the dialogue going on in my head.
I really wished I had asked him, "why did you ask that? What are you were thinking? What do you sense? What did YOU think we should be talking about? Are you worried about something? (I imagine him thinking of me melting down during this really busy week and him not having time to deal with me).
Has anyone ever gotten this question? How did you respond? Am I over reacting?
Have I said I hate this??!
Posted by Penny on November 25, 2003, at 12:40:51
In reply to How would Perfect Client Interpret this?, posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 12:19:34
It's okay to not be perfectly present every session - though I guess the "Perfect Client" would be, right? There are many times that I'm not perfectly present, or I just don't particularly feel like getting into the heavy/deep stuff.
I've never had that question before, as my T usually just lets me talk about whatever, which may or may not be a good thing, but I have been talking about one thing briefly then switched to another thing at which point she said, "Is that all you wanted to say about that?" My response was, "No." Because there was more I wanted to say, but I didn't really feel comfortable broaching the subject, so I skipped over it. But she picked up on it.
Perhaps you can bring this up in your next session. I often go to my session thinking, "Okay, THIS time I'm going to be serious. I'm going to not skip over things. OR I'm going to ask her what she thinks we should be talking about." Though my guess is that she'll say we should talk about whatever it is I feel like I want to talk about. But I won't know unless I ask.
Try to make a point of bringing this up in your next session. Ask him those questions you didn't ask in yesterday's session. See what he says.
P
Posted by Poet on November 25, 2003, at 13:44:50
In reply to How would Perfect Client Interpret this?, posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 12:19:34
I'm beginning to think I should add being a Perfect Client to my failure list. I totally identify with being a broken record.
She hasn't directly asked if I feel what I am talking about is important. What she does is a polite "so what else is going on this week or how are you coping with...?"
I have asked her what she wants me to talk about. Her standard answer is "you're in control, it's up to you to talk about what you need to."
I hate the I'm in control line. It just makes me feel guilty for boring her with the same old stuff and being too afraid to tell her what I need to.
Poet
Posted by Speaker on November 25, 2003, at 20:32:04
In reply to How would Perfect Client Interpret this?, posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 12:19:34
DaisyM,
You are not alone, I have been asked that question many times! The first few times I reacted as you, then I questioned why he asked. My T said its because often times there is so much that I will talk about what is easier not always what would be best. It is just so I will stop and take note of what I am saying...I can tend to ramble. I thinks its so I get my money worth. I would definately ask :)...but don't let it eat at you.
Posted by Karen_kay on November 25, 2003, at 20:44:49
In reply to How would Perfect Client Interpret this?, posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 12:19:34
Mine never asks, and so many times I'm left thinking, "If only he would ask what I'm really thinking I would tell him instead of feeding him this crap." But, alas he never does. If it were me, I would have been defensive. I would have said, "Well, what would you suggest we talk about?" It does get tricky, should you continue at the risk of becoming boring, but you do want to accomplish something at the same time. My biggest problem is that I can't stay on the same topic long enough to find a sense of closure. This is because he has mentioned that he does get bored with some of his other clients. So, I try to avoid becoming boring at all costs. But, in doing so I run the risk of never officially clearing anything up either.
I think that in the future, if this happens again I would interpret it as him knowing that you weren't into that topic. You wanted to discuss something else. Next time talk about what you want to talk about. But, if he asks whether it is what you really want to discuss, call him on it. Say, "Well, is there something else you think I should be discussing? If not, then shut up and let me finish." Might not be the Perfect Client response, but it would be mine! :)
Posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 7:17:50
In reply to Re: How would Perfect Client Interpret this?, posted by Karen_kay on November 25, 2003, at 20:44:49
I have read that therapists get bored when you are talking about things that don't matter, like what you ate for breakfast. My feeling is that if you are talking about what is important they will not get bored, even if you talk about it over and over and over. I know the feeling of wishing that my therapist would ask "What are you really thinking about" - but, really, the minute we walk into the office, that IS what they say. Why do we need them to say it again? But, I, like you will be sitting there thinking about something, but not telling him - and sometimes he will ask what is going on now, or what was that emotion for, that does make it easier to talk.
It would be so much more efficient if, when we want them to say "What is the real issue", if we could just say that to ourselves and get on with it.
Gee, can you tell I don't know what to talk about in therapy today? I could talk about the transference issue we just finished (phew!), or about whether I try to "please" him and why, or about when I had Meningitis when I was 2, or about how I think I may need to switch careers, or about why I refused to pick a restaurant for Thanksgiving and made my mother do it, or about how when I'm not in a therapy crisis I don't have a life, or about how it is so impossible to decide what to talk about in therapy!!!
Posted by Karen_kay on November 26, 2003, at 7:57:21
In reply to Re: How would Perfect Client Interpret this?, posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 7:17:50
> or about how when I'm not in a therapy crisis I don't have a life
<<Really, I thought I was the only one! Wow, that REALLY makes me feel so much better. Thank you! I just wonder if my therapist knows how much I actually think about therapy? But, I can't tell him that, because it is super strange isn't it? I spend so much time making small talk with him that I avoid talking about issues we should be. And I know he knows, but he doesn't do anything about it. I wonder why not. Maybe I should ask him. I'm usually pretty quick to point out his mistakes, so why don't I point this one out too? Maybe because he'll make me start talking about things I need to talk about.
Posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 17:25:50
In reply to Re: How would Perfect Client Interpret this? » fallsfall, posted by Karen_kay on November 26, 2003, at 7:57:21
Having no life outside of therapy is probably not a goal we should be persuing...
Often, I think, therapists don't push for the harder issues because they know that we can't talk about things until we are ready to. I have to talk about the hard things because otherwise I'm not a Perfect Client. I guess I'm also afraid if I avoid the hard issues that he will tell me that I'm wasting his time and kick me out. I seem to have an endless supply of hard issues, so I can talk about them and not worry about being "better" enough to have to leave.
If you told him that you wanted to get to the harder stuff, but needed his help/encouragement, I'm sure he would try pushing. It seems like you are starting to move in that direction, with printing out your posts etc. It can be painful to deal with the hard stuff - but it can be really rewarding, too. And dealing with the hard stuff will allow us to be less miserable in the future - I'm all for that.
Posted by DaisyM on November 26, 2003, at 18:54:07
In reply to Re: How would Perfect Client Interpret this? » Karen_kay, posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 17:25:50
I had a tough day yesterday after Monday's session, worrying about so many things. I wrote down Monday night all the questions I had, plus what I posted here. I wrote on Tuesday how much I was struggling and with what, especially about wanting to call and ask what he meant on Monday! (I didn't.)
So my plan was I would read those notes today. It seemed like a good plan until the moment I told him that was what I wanted to do. Then I was really embarressed about it -- but I read him the important stuff and skipped most of the emotional junk. And he seemed ok with that.
In fact, he said he totally felt what I did about Monday, that he felt disconnected from me, the session felt long. He wondered if he was distracted somehow...he said he though he derailed me a couple of times with questions when he didn't mean to. Glad it isn't only my "fault", and it seems we are tuned to the same wavelength, which is good.
Anyway, we did talk about how hard it is to jump in sometimes and get back to a place where you feel safe enough to go deep. I told him I was worried he would get to the "enough" point with me -- If I push away and won't let him help me. Or if I turn around and cling like crazy. He says no, this is just going to take time and he knows that trust is so amazingly difficult for me that I'll continue to waffle between the two extremes.
I left feeling better. At least I read the signal (mostly) right. He did ask a new, hard question -- see post below.
Don't they ever run out of questions?
Posted by Dinah on November 26, 2003, at 19:46:00
In reply to Follow up as a perfect client, posted by DaisyM on November 26, 2003, at 18:54:07
Especially when they turn out well.
By the way, it gets easier over time. Really.
Posted by DaisyM on November 28, 2003, at 19:20:03
In reply to Re: How would Perfect Client Interpret this?, posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 7:17:50
So what do you do when you don't know what to talk about? Did you find a subject? Or did you talk about that you didn't know what to talk about?
I feel like we've just gone through something but I don't really know what and I feel very tentative about the next session. It is like "it" all got shut down somehow -- those feelings, etc. This is not all bad as the anxiety seems to have done with it. The question is, "where do we go from here?"
It feels almost like another phase is next -- like the story telling is done, but what are we going to do with this information?
I don't know, maybe it is the Holiday and being around so many people that causes the shut down. Usually I know what I'm working on but today I feel kind of numb and empty. Like something ended. It's weird. Maybe I've just exiled the little kid feelings again.
This is the end of the thread.
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