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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 8 to 32 of 32. Go back in thread:
Posted by Penny on November 24, 2003, at 12:26:53
In reply to What was your childhood like?, posted by Elle2021 on November 24, 2003, at 0:43:32
Both of my parents smoked pot in front of me from the time I was very young. It was a mixed message - no, there's nothing wrong with it BUT don't tell anyone! I grew up being the 'adult' in the family. My dad had an explosive temper (which I was always told I inherited) and was verbally/emotionally abusive. My mom appeared 'weak' to me, she would for the most part take whatever my dad dished out and keep her mouth shut. Stereotypical battered wife behavior, though he didn't physically batter. I ended up mothering my younger brother, who is 6 years my junior.
Now that I am an adult, I have major issues with intimacy. Most every therapist I have seen has asked if I was sexually abused - I don't have any recollection of being sexually abused, but I react to intimacy in a way that would suggest I was. I pretty much don't date (have been on a *few* dates) and am comfortable with men as long as they are 'safe', i.e. there's no risk of them being attracted to me. But, truly, the only man I've ever fully trusted (and I struggle with this) is my pdoc.
Posted by TexasChic on November 24, 2003, at 12:42:22
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like?, posted by Penny on November 24, 2003, at 12:26:53
I'm the same way with men! I'm only comfortable if they're 'safe', ie: married, gay, ect. I guess I have intimacy problems too. I know my dad molested two of my cousins, but I have no memory of him ever doing anything to me. But like you, I behave as if something like this has happened to me. People always want to know why I don't date. I just blame it on my anxiety, but really I think I'm terrified of it leading to a relationship. But yet I dream of having one and am jealous of my friends. Just another thing to work out in therapy I guess. But as long as I'm still moving forward, that's okay. Its all about self improvement and figuring out how to be happy, right?
Posted by Penny on November 24, 2003, at 13:27:45
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like? Penny, posted by TexasChic on November 24, 2003, at 12:42:22
It's funny - I had a 'crush' on this guy beginning in 8th grade all the way through high school, but he never reciprocated. I liked other guys too, but he was the one I was soooo 'in love' with. And I always dreamed about being with him, or with someone else. I had 'crushes' on other guys in college, but none were ever reciprocal, though I had male friends.
Then earlier this year, I went out with this guy a few times. It was nice, at first, but then he tried to kiss me, and I froze. I couldn't respond. I was petrified. And nauseated. The worst part was that I had been waiting for him to kiss me. I would tell my therapist that I just really want him to kiss me. Then he tried, and I was repulsed. Not necessarily by him, but by the act of kissing!
So, my former roommate is a lesbian, and she kept saying, "Well, maybe you're a lesbian - you don't know unless you try..." and my whole thing was - no, I can't go there either. That actually is less appealing to me.
But the thought of being with a man is appealing, just not the actuality. I thought maybe it was the guys I went out with (only a couple of them) - but this last guy was normal. He was average build, kinda' cute, polite, etc. We had a good time together. But I just couldn't respond, even though part of me wanted to.
When I was in the hospital, a guy in my group said that I should be with someone who could help me work through this. And my question was - where is he???
At the very least, my pdoc has showed me that all men are not alike, i.e., not like my dad. He's like the antithesis of my dad - he's caring, compassionate, goes out of his way to be there for me (and his other patients), is a good listener, etc. And he acts like he really *likes* me as a person, which I never got from my dad. My dad loves me, in his way, but I don't know that he likes me much. And I don't know that I like him much either.
My former T and I tried working on some of my intimacy issues, but we never got far, b/c every time we would broach the subject, I would crash mood-wise. My current T and I have gone a little farther with my intimacy issues, and I am more comfortable discussing sexual things with her. She recommended that I look at some children's books on growing up, b/c, as I had pointed out to her, I'm an adult in many ways, but not really in that way. When it comes to intimacy and sexuality, I feel like a little girl.
My grandfather committed suicide 2 years ago, just after my cousin accused him of molesting my 4-year-old (at the time) cousin (her daughter). In his suicide note he all but admitted to what he did. Now my cousin thinks maybe he did the same thing to her. I don't remember him ever doing anything to me, but I spent every summer at my grandparents' house growing up, so I can't say for sure. I don't really think anything happened to me, but it would explain so much...
Yeah - four years in therapy, and I still have a LOOONNNNGGG way to go. Oh well. I had a friend say, "If I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know myself better (in therapy), then so be it!" I agree.
P
Posted by TexasChic on November 24, 2003, at 14:16:01
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like? » TexasChic, posted by Penny on November 24, 2003, at 13:27:45
I have actually gotten as far as having sex twice (several years apart). Each time I forced myself to do it. I was like a robot and didn't enjoy it at all. I wasn't very close to either guy I was with. It was like I was thinking, "I'm going to force myself to get over this no matter what!" But I can tell you that doesn't work very well either. My best solution for myself is to just try to take one thing at a time and work up the nerve just to date. My best friend just got divorced and she has men lining up waiting to take her out. I'm like, that should be me too! I'm single, attractive, intelligent, fun; I should be enjoying myself. And I know it's up to me, I have to be willing to put myself out there. I guess its a matter of getting over the 'what ifs'.
Posted by thewriteone on November 24, 2003, at 17:25:55
In reply to What was your childhood like?, posted by Elle2021 on November 24, 2003, at 0:43:32
It was bad. I was molested by both my grandfather and my brother on a regular basis, my father was physically and mentally abusive, and my mother neglected me. I was left home with my brother as young as 6 and expected to cook and clean and be the mom. I did it all and now I hate all of them. I moved more than 2000 miles away and if I never had to see any of them again, I'd be happy.
I don't know how much that has contributed to my problems and all that, but I suspect it has everything to do with it. I can't seem to get past feeling like it's all my fault and then there's all the bad decisions I made after that. They haunt me.
Posted by Elle2021 on November 24, 2003, at 21:37:17
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like?, posted by thewriteone on November 24, 2003, at 17:25:55
Well, thank you all for sharing. I appreciate all of your responses. I think I can share mine now.
My dad was physically, emotionally, and mentally abusive. I still think I deserved the physcial part. When I was little my cousin tried to molest me (he was only about a year and a half older than me). I have blocked most of it out, but I remember him telling me I could only have a this pink crayon if I touched him. I don't remember if I did, I have completely blocked it out. I do remember that sometime after that my mum didn't let me play with him alone anymore. My pdoc asked me if I had anything like molestation happen to me, and I lied to him. Told him I had a great childhood (but at the same time I didn't want to discuss it with him). He knew I was lying.
I had a hellish childhood that I could go into detail about but won't. Suffice it to say that my dad has an horrid temper and I got the brunt of it, even in my teen years which were awful.
The few guys I have dated, I managed to ruin the relationship. I too have been asked by more than one doctor (including my gyno.) if I have been sexually abused. I don't think I have, but I act like it. Like Penny said (I think it was Penny) the idea of being with a man is appealing, but not in actuality. It's too scary. I can't share my intimate thoughts with anyone I can see face to face. I always think about meeting the guy who can take care of me. I wish he existed. This is the FIRST time I have ever breathed ANY of this to anyone. I can't believe I actually wrote it.
Elle
Posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 0:29:24
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like?, posted by Elle2021 on November 24, 2003, at 21:37:17
How brave you are. I know how hard that was, how shakey you might feel now. You are safe. They are just words, and you have the power over the words. And you chose to put those words here, in a very safe place. Good for you.
The next step is to do this in Therapy. This isn't easy, and it isn't only about trusting your Therapist. It is about trusting yourself. There are several posts in past months about emotional aftermath...it is hard but you can do it!
I don't know all the ins and outs of this healing process -- I feel stuck in the middle right now. But I know it is important and can be done. Let me know how it goes.
-D
Posted by Elle2021 on November 25, 2003, at 0:33:51
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like? » Elle2021, posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 0:29:24
> How brave you are. I know how hard that was, how shakey you might feel now. You are safe. They are just words, and you have the power over the words. And you chose to put those words here, in a very safe place. Good for you.
Thank you for your kind words!
> The next step is to do this in Therapy.I know, I'm just afraid and I don't know how to start the conversation... Any ideas?
Elle
Posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 1:08:43
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like? » DaisyM, posted by Elle2021 on November 25, 2003, at 0:33:51
I can only tell you how I did it: I practiced in my head all weekend around a statement that was made the prior week.
As in: "I'm really upset because when we talked about *hugs* I really wanted you to ask me why I hate them...deep breath...deep breath...and I hate them because:"
I told only a little bit at a time and he was very kind and very gentle, saying only, "is there anything else you want to say right now" and then we talked about how it felt to tell. I went home and threw up. LOL. :(
I won't lie to you, since then it has been really hard. We talk about it, and then we talk about other stuff because I can't get back to it. I call him when I'm melting down, or when I feel really exposed and anxious. He has always called back. I'm always surprised.
Everytime I remember something new, it takes me weeks to tell.I usually finally say, "I need to say this and I need you to help me stay focused and get through it."
Don't be surprised if your Therapist is really quiet while you are talking or immediately there after. It isn't shock, or disapproval. It is respect for your risk and space for your pain.
I hope this helps a little tiny bit. Keep posting and practicing until you are ready. I'm surprised to say that I'm *glad* I finally told someone - 30+ yrs. later.
-D
Posted by Elle2021 on November 25, 2003, at 1:27:24
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like? » Elle2021, posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 1:08:43
Thank you so much for the advice, Daisy. And, thank you even more for being realistic and telling me what to expect! I appreciate straight-forward advice. I'm nervous about bringing it up, so I'm trying to think of an indirect way to get on the topic. I don't have any ideas yet, but my mind is working overtime. :)
Elle
Posted by Dr. Rod on November 25, 2003, at 4:01:50
In reply to What was your childhood like?, posted by Elle2021 on November 24, 2003, at 0:43:32
Yep!!! I was raised in "the original poor family"... Actually, this week is special to me since that Thanksgiving 49 years ago that they took my Dad away in handcuffs for making threats toward this and that person... The family MD recommended the "Funny Farm"... The doctors hooked him up to low voltage AC to just scramble his brains a little bit...
I always hope each Thanksgiving is neater than that one was... I was 6... I've had 49 neater Thanksgivings... I predict all will be neater...
My Dad is 82 now... He chose to live in a 10 story tall, urban, section 8, senior citizen building when my stepmom passed away... When I visit him, I notice that he is no nuttier than any of the other tenants, no matter what their history might be... He started learning to play the piano when he was 60, so he is now thought of as an entertainer, not an 82 year old paranoid/delusional schizophrenic, like he was 49 Thanksgivings ago... I'm proud of my Dad today... There were times in my teens that I would cut off an arm or stab myself in the eye rather than say those words...
Then one day I woke up and realized that he never was my problem, and that I had options of how I would deal with him... Been fine ever since...
Posted by Elle2021 on November 25, 2003, at 5:41:17
In reply to The Original Poor Family » Elle2021, posted by Dr. Rod on November 25, 2003, at 4:01:50
That must have been a traumatic event seeing your father taken away, especially at six years old. I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm glad that you have had better Thanksgivings since then. I hope when I am 60 I can be like your dad and just decide to learn something new. How did you learn to deal with your dad?
Elle
Posted by Waterlily on November 25, 2003, at 9:21:36
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like?, posted by joslynn on November 24, 2003, at 9:27:00
> When I was growing up, my father was an active alcoholic. It wasn't so bad until I got to be around 8 or so. That's when the yelling got really bad. He yelled a lot at my brother and my mother, for hours, over irrational things like how much salt was on the food. He never hit us, just yelled. I didn't get yelled at as much, probably because I made it my job to figure out what angered him and avoid doing it.
>
> Other times, my father was funny and warm. I never knew what to expect.
>
> I grew up feeling scared whenever my Dad came home (which became increasingly later as the alcoholism progressed).
>
> I think that living with that fear contrtbuted to my anxiety and depression developing later in life. I think I had symptoms of depression around 15 or so and I distinctly remember gettting anxiety attacks when I was 11. Mercifully, they went away on their own.
>
> My new theory is that my Dad probably drank to deal with his own depression and anxiety, so I think there is a genetic link as well.This sounds exactly like my dad, although I got into fights with him sometimes too. By the time I was 12 I was hiding in trees so that he wouldn't see me and start yelling at me to get up and do something. One time he threw a fit because I was cleaning the table in a circular motion rather than a back and forth motion. I really had to walk on eggshells around him. A month or so before my 14th birthday he turned into the perfect,loving dad. It was great. I had the dad I always wanted. It lasted like that for two months, until my mom found his body in our camper - he had taken his life.
My mom was good, but she wasn't perfect either (who is?). She put us on guilt trips a lot, especially if it had something to do with her - like if we didn't get her what she wanted for her birthday or something.
My daughter, now age 11, had early indications of depression and has been on antidepressants for two years now. Since she lives in a stable, healthy, two-parent household where there is no alcohol or substance abuse, I have to believe that her depression is genetic and that mine must also be genetic at least in part.
Posted by Dr. Rod on November 25, 2003, at 15:54:41
In reply to sounds like my dad, posted by Waterlily on November 25, 2003, at 9:21:36
OBTW --- Read the top "Original Poor Family" story I wrote... You responded to someone else and pointed at me... I stll greatly apprectiate your response...
What always (with no maybes) progresses from generation to generation is "Family Drama/Trauma" driven by faulty impulse management strategies and horrific conflict resolution techniques... What is getting worse as the population densities increase is the notion that violence is OK, and coercion is good, tooooo...
Check out Dr. Phil's "Life Strategies" workbook... He is less picante and to the point than than I am, but he is available to you and I am very limited. Its a crime for me to "commit Therapy"!!! Seriously, the "Life Strategies" workbook is something you and your 11 yearold can bond behind and both make separate progresses...
Enjoy...
Posted by Dr. Rod on November 25, 2003, at 16:14:10
In reply to Re: The Original Poor Family » Dr. Rod, posted by Elle2021 on November 25, 2003, at 5:41:17
I made my own way alot... I went to a private High School that did odd jobs for to pay my tuition... During the Viet Nam ugliness, I chose not to play with guns and knives in the jungle and instead became a powerplant operator on a US nuclear submarine... etc, etc.
I personally was never assaulted by my crazy Dad... I still cringe when he starts talking goofy, to me or in public... Like I said though, he is now one of many that talks goofy... Both he and I are lucky since he doesn't talk goofy very often anymore...
Posted by Waterlily on November 25, 2003, at 16:48:35
In reply to Re: sounds like my dad » Waterlily, posted by Dr. Rod on November 25, 2003, at 15:54:41
> OBTW --- Read the top "Original Poor Family" story I wrote... You responded to someone else and pointed at me... I stll greatly apprectiate your response...
>
> What always (with no maybes) progresses from generation to generation is "Family Drama/Trauma" driven by faulty impulse management strategies and horrific conflict resolution techniques... What is getting worse as the population densities increase is the notion that violence is OK, and coercion is good, tooooo...
>
> Check out Dr. Phil's "Life Strategies" workbook... He is less picante and to the point than than I am, but he is available to you and I am very limited. Its a crime for me to "commit Therapy"!!! Seriously, the "Life Strategies" workbook is something you and your 11 yearold can bond behind and both make separate progresses...
>
> Enjoy...
>
>
Thanks for the input. I'm aware that I responded to Jocelyn, but didn't know I was pointing at you (what is that and how did I do it?). I do have Dr.Phil's book. Self-help books have never been my forte though. Both my daughter and I are in individual therapy with separate therapists.
Posted by Dr. Rod on November 25, 2003, at 17:49:42
In reply to Re: sounds like my dad, posted by Waterlily on November 25, 2003, at 16:48:35
Shared help can be better and quicker than self help... Try doing the work book exercises... May be tooo cerebral for an 11 yearold by herself, so you would be the shared help for her... Beware, if she starts to like it, she may become a terrible task master, not giving you a single day off... Kids are like that...
Get your neighbors to drop by and pass the book around for each to read out loud... Make a meeting out of it... If not neighbors, other parents at school... If you think you're going to be looked down upon, you are measuring your insides to other people's outsides, and you will always lose that comparison...
"But Wait", those other people are doing it, tooooo!!! They don't want you to get a whiff of their dirty linen... They will come over to smell yours, though... Strange, but common...
Posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 19:54:34
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like? » DaisyM, posted by Elle2021 on November 25, 2003, at 1:27:24
If you have shared that you post on this board, you could say you read about everyone else's childhood and you are amazed that people can be so open about stuff that is so painful and private. Add that you were particularly struck with the realization that you had never really been honest with anyone about yours -- even in therapy. That should open up the door.
If you don't want to use this Board, use Dr. Phil. I have done that: "I can't believe they talk so openly about such and such,I can't even bring myself to tell YOU!" This works well too...
Posted by responsiblek9 on November 25, 2003, at 19:58:58
In reply to What was your childhood like?, posted by Elle2021 on November 24, 2003, at 0:43:32
A nightmare it took a long time to wake up from. And yea it did affect my personality a lot . And it also physically disabled me to boot. several Skull fractures broken facial bones and a terrible fear of authority figures. At 4 was diagnosed with sensory deprivation from being locked up all the time in small closets and rooms. Autism features but diagnosed later as borderline schizophrenia with Aspergers .Did not learn to speak until after 4 ,Sexual abuse from 4 years old up into teenager years. Depression was always their and i did not know what feeling good was like until I was around 23 years old. had been mute for years and relearned how to speak at 21 . Also did not know how to smile or have any facial expression.
yea it affected me .
The local town people stepped in and rescued me from the family situation when they saw Social services would do nothing and had done nothing for years. When they got me out at 21 I had shattered ribs , pnuemonia , had a stroke, and was under 90 lbs . Not talking and terrified of people period. I owe the local people my life and what little health I have left .They spent years rehabilitating me to be able to take care of myself and learn to clean and cook for myself.
They helped me get my home I own and whatever else I needed to help me get started. Most of them are dead now . But they gave me my freedom
Posted by Elle2021 on November 26, 2003, at 5:27:49
In reply to An Indirect suggestion » Elle2021, posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 19:54:34
I like that idea about Dr. Phil. :) I think that will work! Good thing you came up with that cause I wasn't thinking of anything useful.
Elle
Posted by Elle2021 on November 26, 2003, at 5:29:20
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like?, posted by responsiblek9 on November 25, 2003, at 19:58:58
I am SO sorry that happened to you. That must have been terrible. I am so happy to hear about all the progress you have made. Thank God for those caring local people. You must be very proud of yourself for coming along so far!
Elle
Posted by LynneDa on November 26, 2003, at 9:33:12
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like?, posted by responsiblek9 on November 25, 2003, at 19:58:58
Wow, that is an amazing story. You must be a very resilient person to have survived. It reaffirms the thought "It takes a village . . ." and hopefully makes people realize that it can't hurt to try and step in to help a child. My heart goes out to you for all you suffered, but even more for the courage and strength you must have to make your life over after all that happened. Good luck to you!
Posted by Karen_kay on November 26, 2003, at 11:02:07
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like?, posted by responsiblek9 on November 25, 2003, at 19:58:58
Wow! How courageous you are. Your story really moved me, and it really does take a lot to do that. You obviously are a very determined and intelligent individual to have accomplished so very much. You truly are an inspiration!
Posted by joslynn on November 26, 2003, at 13:16:05
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like? » responsiblek9, posted by Karen_kay on November 26, 2003, at 11:02:07
Hugs to everyone who had to go through these things. I feel like I had it relatively easy compared to the other stories.
It just makes me so outraged that you all had to go through abuse! When will society get serious about preventing child abuse? Imagine all the problems it would solve.
Posted by responsiblek9 on November 26, 2003, at 17:32:08
In reply to Re: What was your childhood like? » responsiblek9, posted by Elle2021 on November 26, 2003, at 5:29:20
It is why I slowly over time came to advocate for others . If someone ahd told me ten years ago what I would be doing now I would have called them a dreamer. I thought for a long time it was normal for people to injure and hurt children . But then the attitude when I was growing up was that children were property worth less than the livestock. Now to see a small child I am still stunned that people could and would want to hurt a child so small and obviously defenceless.
I had taken the blame feeling I had deserved all the broken bones and the other abuse . That I was worth nothing . I still fight with this problem. My family is embarrassed I am disabled now. It is like I am walking guilt trip for them. So I am shunned. But that does not bother me much. they were not family to begin with. You can pick your friends but family is just an accident of nature .
I still cringe if someone tries to touch me even in greeting or to shake hands . I came in this world alone and will always be alone. I have accepted this, but others just cant accept it I guess. But the few old friends I have I value beyond all else.
> I am SO sorry that happened to you. That must have been terrible. I am so happy to hear about all the progress you have made. Thank God for those caring local people. You must be very proud of yourself for coming along so far!
> Elle
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