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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Adia on September 20, 2003, at 12:12:51
In reply to Re: Feeling disconnected from my therapist » Dinah, posted by HannahW on September 19, 2003, at 17:29:13
Hi Dinah,
I have read what the others have shared, especially what Pfinstegg said..I too think that maybe you should try to explore with your therapist what you are feeling...
If you are feeling disconnected from everything, I wouldn't think that taking a break from him would help...maybe you can work through this together..it feels he's so willing to try to help you and find out why you're feeling this way..
Just wanted to send you my support,
Adia.
Posted by Adia on September 20, 2003, at 12:27:38
In reply to Re: Feeling disconnected from my therapist » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on September 20, 2003, at 0:05:28
Hi Pfinstegg,
I wanted to thank you for your post and say it has helped me...
I too have a damaged, distrustful little girl who pushes my therapist away when I need her so much..
It is like a constant battle inside of me...My therapist says it is okay to show her all parts of me..that she accepts all of me but it's so hard and painful.
Thank you for sharing...I am glad you are able to share these feelings with your therapist.
Adia.> Hi Dinah.. I, also have gone through periods of feeling detached from my analyst. From what I have learned, I have a form of DID- not multiple personalities, or any time unaccounted for, but inside me there is a very lonely, angry, distrustful little girl, which I try very hard to keep hidden. When the better-functioning part of me is relating to my therapist, the connection is there, and I feel that we work together in ways which are meaningful and helpful, and even fun!. But when that other self-state- the very wary and distrustful - and damaged- little girl is more predominant, I begin to feel that I don't want to even engage in therapy at all, that I don't know whether I trust or even like the same therapist that I was feeling so thrilled to have when my better-functioning self-state was the one relating to him.
>
> I find these times the most difficult- it's hard to keep going or to feel any hope.. But my analyst wants that distrustful part to find a way to relate to him also- he feels that is what we really need to do together. So far, I have only gone a little way with it; for one thing, I feel that part is cold, dismissive, hateful and very unlovable, and I am certain that he will hate it if I show it to him fully. However, he says bringing in that part, and slowly finding that it is accepted, is the most important thing I can do.
>
> Frankly, I am really struggling with this, and don't feel I have been able to do it, yet. In times like this, it is so much easier and safer for me to feel detached. I'm just mentioning it in the chance that something similiar may be happening between you and your therapist. Do you think it could be?
>
> I should just ask in passing- do you think the Glucophage has a depressant effect? I'm not taking that, but last year I did discover that hormones had a huge effect on my mood. I need to take Cytomel along with synthroid ( my thyroid has been underactive for a long time, but the AD effect of tiny twice-daily doses of Cytomel was very noticeable. And, although now no-one is supposed to take HRT for extended periods, I do take a natural estrogen and progesterone twice a week- in low doses- because the depression really does intensify if I go any lower. I'm just running through these things because they have helped me- they may not have any relevance for you.
>
>
> The only thing I can say to you is what I always forget to say to myself- that these detached feelings are only a part of the total relationship that you have with your therapist. They are only feelings, and they will change. But bringing them into the relationship, while very hard and painful to do, would be much better, and actually offers a lot of promise in terms of feeling more whole and confident in the long run.
>
> Love to know what you think of all this- I know you feel free to disagree and always have other points of view that I haven't thought of.
>
> Pfinstegg
Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2003, at 19:51:47
In reply to Re: Feeling disconnected from my therapist » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on September 20, 2003, at 0:05:28
> Hi Dinah.. I, also have gone through periods of feeling detached from my analyst. From what I have learned, I have a form of DID- not multiple personalities, or any time unaccounted for, but inside me there is a very lonely, angry, distrustful little girl, which I try very hard to keep hidden. When the better-functioning part of me is relating to my therapist, the connection is there, and I feel that we work together in ways which are meaningful and helpful, and even fun!. But when that other self-state- the very wary and distrustful - and damaged- little girl is more predominant, I begin to feel that I don't want to even engage in therapy at all, that I don't know whether I trust or even like the same therapist that I was feeling so thrilled to have when my better-functioning self-state was the one relating to him.
>
I have a similar internal dynamic, but the emotional, young part of me is what is intensely bonded to my therapist, and trusts him completely. And the mature more rational self that I show the world is vaguely bewildered by what on earth I'm doing there and how talking can help. And horrified by the time and expense. :)I do think I may be in a vaguely dissociative fog, but it's a nice soft comfortable fog. And I'm doing ok in functioning. So, since I'm not getting a lot from therapy right now, I figure maybe I just ought to wait until I need it again.
Or maybe that's just the sensible thought. Maybe the less sensible thought is that it hurts to see someone I'm usually attached to and not feel any of the usual connection. It makes me feel kind of lonely.
But on the other other hand, Lonely's post about the death of a therapist actually made me feel something for the first time since I shut down. So maybe I will have something to talk about if it lasts. I'll give it at least another week and see what happens.
I have found myself strangely reluctant to think about this too closely....
Pfinstegg, it sounds as if we face some of the same challenges in therapy. I would really enjoy exchanging experiences. If you ever feel like emailing me, my email address is in the FAQ's of this site.
Thanks everyone. I'm going to let your thoughts seep in as I'm ready to consider things a bit more.
Posted by allisonf on September 21, 2003, at 22:04:26
In reply to Re: Feeling disconnected Pfinstegg, Judy, and all, posted by Dinah on September 20, 2003, at 19:51:47
Hi Dinah,
I hope you're feeling better soon from whatever it is that's been troubling you. Maybe it is the kind of thing that needs to brew a little more before discussing it with your therapist. But my tendency is to err on the side of sticking with the therapy. The part about him not reacting to your diconnectedness the way you hoped he would, I definitely think is a good topic for your next session. I know you have a solid working relationship with your therapist and I am guessing there is a good reason for his behavior (or lack thereof)--even if that reason is just that he has been a little distracted lately. I think it would help to know what's going on with him. It seems like you are needing him a little more than you are needing to be distant from him. Or am I off base?
Plse know you are in my thoughts--
Allison
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 21, 2003, at 22:06:31
In reply to Re: Feeling disconnected Pfinstegg, Judy, and all, posted by Dinah on September 20, 2003, at 19:51:47
Hi Dinah.. I have to agree that feeling detached, more or less without intending to be, and without knowing why it has happened, is a very uncomfortable state to be in. I thought that your therapist gave a wonderful response- that he has enough to say for both of you for now. Why not let him do that- just allow yourself to be quiet and just as you are really feeling. He obviously wants very much to help you through this period, and sounds confident that he'll be able to do so. I would rather be ANYTHING than detached, but my therapist seems to feel that working through those hard times is more important than having a talkative, emotional me communicating easily, even though from my point of view I infinitely prefer the latter- but then that's the part that isn't sick!. Having had a very emotionally expressive week, just past, the thing I remember most about it is that he said "you seem to want to just keep talking like this, as fast as you can, so the other parts- (the ones I described in a post above)- can remain hidden". When he said that I knew it was true right away. It certainly made me stop and think how much I was avoiding the parts of me that I didn't want him to see. Well, I'll let you know whether I have had the guts to take him up on his suggestion this week! Probably only partially at best.
I'd be sad to learn that you cut down on your times now (unless you absolutely have to for financial reasons). I've read enough of your posts about your therapist to feel that you have a rich and growing relationship with him which has meant the world to you. Now you can allow yourself to be detached, unloving, indifferent, silent- he will still be there for you. Let him be.
Pfinstegg
Posted by deirdrehbrt on September 21, 2003, at 22:31:23
In reply to Re: Feeling disconnected Pfinstegg, Judy, and all » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on September 21, 2003, at 22:06:31
Hi again,
I agree with Pfinstegg, et. al. that cutting back on therapy right now maybe isn't the best thing to do for you. There have been many times in therapy, when sitting there, unable to think of anything to say, and then my T brings up something that I hadn't thought about for some time, or perhaps something completely out of the blue (so I thought), that has a tremendous impact on my life.
I think also, that she can see a great deal of what is going on in my life by the way I handle a bit of silence. Trust in your T. It seems that He knows you fairly well. You are fortunate to have a good relationship with him. I had to go through some fairly bad therapists before I got to where I am. One actually called me while I was in the hospital to tell me that she was leaving the organization where I saw her. She didn't even help me find another.
You have a great deal of wisdom; I've seen it here. I'm certain that you'll make the best decision you can, the one that is right for you.
Good luck,
Dee.
Posted by Poet on September 22, 2003, at 9:47:49
In reply to Re: Feeling disconnected Pfinstegg, Judy, and all, posted by deirdrehbrt on September 21, 2003, at 22:31:23
Hi Dinah,
I agree with what everybody else has said- stick with therapy. Inside of me is a girl I call "the Punk" who does not cooperate with anyone trying to help her. When I am confronted with something in therapy I absolutely do not ever want to talk about the Punk comes out.
I, too, think I am out of things to say, but really I am out of things I want to say. Your therapist seems to understand that you have more you need to talk about, and he isn't going to push you, but will take it slow. Going slow is frustrating, but not traumatizing.
Hang in there.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on September 22, 2003, at 12:37:58
In reply to Re: Feeling disconnected Pfinstegg, Judy, and all, posted by Poet on September 22, 2003, at 9:47:49
I've crashed bigtime. I guess I was just trying not to think. Now I'm going to work on not hurting myself while the waves of pain wash over me. The Klonopin should help. The fog really wasn't so bad.
Posted by Dinah on September 22, 2003, at 12:48:12
In reply to Re: Not feeling disconnected, posted by Dinah on September 22, 2003, at 12:37:58
That sounded more alarming than it is. I'm not going to hurt myself. I just have to withstand the urges for a bit. The Klonopin should help. And I called my therapist to remind me of my promise to him. So I'll be fine.
Posted by Poet on September 22, 2003, at 12:58:18
In reply to Re: I'm sorry., posted by Dinah on September 22, 2003, at 12:48:12
No apology is necessary. You called your therapist- that is a major step in getting reconnected.
Poet
Posted by allisonf on September 22, 2003, at 15:18:58
In reply to Re: I'm sorry., posted by Dinah on September 22, 2003, at 12:48:12
Hi Dinah,
Hope you have gotten in touch with your therapist by now. I am so sorry you're hurting right now, but it sounds like you are on the right course. Take care and be good to yourself today especially. And plse let everyone on this bd be here for you, the way you are always here for us.
Allison
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 22, 2003, at 16:15:16
In reply to Re: I'm sorry. » Dinah, posted by allisonf on September 22, 2003, at 15:18:58
Even though it's hurting an awful lot, I'm glad you had the strength to move beyond the indifferent mode to get in touch with the pain underneath- no-one wants to see anyone else suffer, and especially not you, Dinah, whom we feel we know and love. But now you have something very important and vital to work on with your therapist. It may be a part of you that finds it hard to put things into words, but getting in touch with feelings like you are having now is tremendously important- as you know. My rather chaotic experience with my analyst has been that the most painful times can turn out to be the most helpful (afterwards) as long as I stay close and trusting with him- or. sometimes ,just try to stay with him any way I can.
Thinking of you a lot this week,
Pfinstegg
Posted by HannahW on September 22, 2003, at 17:49:06
In reply to Re: I'm sorry., posted by Dinah on September 22, 2003, at 12:48:12
It's miserable to be miserable, and I feel for you. But I feel this is a good sign. You've broken through the apathy and can begin to sort out what lies beneath. That can only help in your long-term recovery. Try to think of your misery as an investment in your future happiness. You have to go through this before you can get to it. But that happiness is there, waiting for you! Don't let the muck of the past keep your feet from moving forward, even if it's just a little at a time.
Posted by Adia on September 22, 2003, at 18:56:12
In reply to Re: I'm sorry., posted by HannahW on September 22, 2003, at 17:49:06
Dear Dinah,
I am sorry you are hurting inside..but I'm so glad you've been able to reach out to your therapist...
I do feel that even though it is scary to get in touch with your feelings, it is better to feel them rather than running away from them or denying them...and I am confident that your therapist will help you through this ..
I wanted to send you all my support and care, please let us know how you're doing...
It was so brave of you to reach out and ask for help to your therapist..
I am glad that he is with you and will help you through this..
I am sending you lots of support and healing,
Adia.> It's miserable to be miserable, and I feel for you. But I feel this is a good sign. You've broken through the apathy and can begin to sort out what lies beneath. That can only help in your long-term recovery. Try to think of your misery as an investment in your future happiness. You have to go through this before you can get to it. But that happiness is there, waiting for you! Don't let the muck of the past keep your feet from moving forward, even if it's just a little at a time.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on September 22, 2003, at 21:30:28
In reply to Re: I'm sorry., posted by Dinah on September 22, 2003, at 12:48:12
Hi Dinah,
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. The pain can be so overwhelming at times. I know how hard the urge to hurt yourself can be, and I'm proud of you for being able to do it, and for knowing when you might need a little help.
I am begining to think that therapy might be something like learning a musical instrument. When I used to teach, I would tell my students that they would inevitably come to plateaus in their learning. They would feel as if they
weren't making any progress, lesson after lesson. I told them, and I believe that these are the times when we are making all that we have learned since the last plateau a part of us. We stay here for a time, and we integrate into our persons what is only intellectual right now.
Perhaps what we do in therapy is similar. We have our inevitable ups and downs, but if we look at the entire picture we are realy on our way up. It's like climbing a mountain too; very few mountains have trails which go upward without having to go back down some on the way to the top.
I suppose that we can get to feeling disconnected when we are trying to climb that mountain, but find ourselves going down on the journey. Maybe realizing that it's just a part of the trip can help.
I truly hope you are doing better.
Dee.
Posted by Dinah on September 23, 2003, at 20:29:53
In reply to Re: I'm sorry., posted by deirdrehbrt on September 22, 2003, at 21:30:28
Your support means a lot. I guess I'll post on grief about what's going on, but I'm just not handling things at all well. My only adequate defense mechanism is dissociation, and I'm employing it to excess, and causing some disruption in my life because of it. And the pain has started to break through periodically anyway. It just plain hurts. And I don't know what I'm going to do. My therapist wants me to quit dissociating and experience the pain, but I can't seem to do that.
Posted by fallsfall on September 23, 2003, at 22:11:27
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone, posted by Dinah on September 23, 2003, at 20:29:53
Dinah,
I'm sorry that this is so hard for you. I wish that we/I could help. We'll try! Let us know if you think of anything we can do. I didn't see a post on Grief...
I think that emotional pain is harder than physical pain (others may not agree, and I'm sure it is different for each person). What happens when the pain comes through? How do you respond? Do you think that your therapist could help you work through the pain if you could tolerate the pain? I mean, I can handle certain pain if I know that it won't last forever (and it helps to have some idea of how long it will be there) and I know that once I deal with it it will be gone - I will have fixed the problem. Or would it work to allow the pain while you are with your therapist, but dissociate in between sessions? I don't know.
Really, the whole thing should just go away and leave you in peace. Sigh. Wouldn't that be nice? Since that isn't going to happen, though, you'll need to think of a plan B.
Let me know if I can help.
(((((Dinah)))))
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 24, 2003, at 8:40:59
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone, posted by Dinah on September 23, 2003, at 20:29:53
When I begin to dissociate a lot, I try to schedule more sessions with my analyst, as it helps me a lot to actually see him and know he is still there for me. I guess most important, though, is the fact that the more frequent sessions allow him to bring me back from a dissociated, indifferent, disconnected state into a more actively involved one. There's a tremendous amount of pain with it, but some deep part of me (the right hemisphere?) gets to experience that THIS time, there is a a safe, interested person right there with me- it feels like the love that wasn't there the first time around. Of course, we're all going bankrupt with all of this expensive therapy- at least, I am!
Pfinstegg
Posted by kyp on September 24, 2003, at 9:06:49
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on September 24, 2003, at 8:40:59
I'd like to add to the post of how I feel for you.
One thing that has worked for me in therapy for dissociating is frequent visits, even if for a limited time. It is much better than ending up in the hospital or just feeling horrible on your own.
In therapy, I sit with the pain or whatever feeling and know that afterward I "get" to go back to coping the best I can. Which is usually dissociating into the aspect of myself that is responsible and takes care of what needs to be done, like driving home from sessions. It has taken me an hour or more of sitting back in the waiting room recoverying from a seesion and getting into a mode of cutting off what just happened in session in order to be able to function. This did not last forever. Now I have blended the two worlds of therapy and living a lot better and am able to drive home immediately. Not to say I won't go through a more difficult time in the future where I will have to seek that stability in an all out effort.
The more often you go to sessions the better, I think. From what I have read and experienced.
Recovery from DID IS my job at the present time and it is paying off in terms of my health and happiness. I am more highly functioning at the present time in my life than ever before.
Just being able to recognize dissociating and my alters is so helpful and knowing why I am feeling the ways I do sometimes gives me validation and "peace" and more stability.
I am thinking of you especially at this time.
KYP
Posted by Dinah on September 24, 2003, at 9:42:32
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on September 23, 2003, at 22:11:27
I haven't managed to post on Grief yet. I keep falling asleep.
I'm not good at tolerating emotional pain *at all*. Dissociation is such an automatic defense with me. And while my therapist wants to encourage me to stay with the pain, he also is cautious about self injury and such. So he doesn't interfere if he sees me zoning out in therapy. He just encourages me to tolerate as much as I can. And the only place I feel safe to tolerate it at all is in therapy.
Posted by Dinah on September 24, 2003, at 9:43:35
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on September 23, 2003, at 22:11:27
Posted by Dinah on September 24, 2003, at 9:46:17
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone » Dinah, posted by Pfinstegg on September 24, 2003, at 8:40:59
Chuckle. Yes, that's the problem. Not only would it be hard for me to pay to go more than twice a week, but I'm getting almost no work done right now. In addition to really needing to catch up on the work, I also am not earning much. So for the moment, I really need to concentrate on that.
Posted by Dinah on September 24, 2003, at 9:49:57
In reply to About Dissociation, posted by kyp on September 24, 2003, at 9:06:49
I'm so glad you're doing better, Kyp. That's terrific!
I know that feeling only too well. Except I don't use the waiting room. I've been known to crawl in the backseat of my car after a session for a power nap. If I can't make it to my car, I'm a stairwell sitter.
Posted by KYP on September 24, 2003, at 10:02:47
In reply to Re: About Dissociation » kyp, posted by Dinah on September 24, 2003, at 9:49:57
Naps help a lot. Sometimes I am exhausted after therapy !!!
I wondered, when going into therapy for DID, just how "bad" it would get. Would I even be able to drive myself to therapy...? etc Then I realized the dissociation kicks in and of course I cope the way I have been practicing all my life and rise to the occasion.
KYP
Posted by deirdrehbrt on September 24, 2003, at 22:41:11
In reply to Re: About Dissociation » Dinah, posted by KYP on September 24, 2003, at 10:02:47
Dinah,
I have the good fortune of having a friend take me to and from my therapy appointments.
I used to spend time sitting in my car, either recovering from therapy, or worse, feeling angry while driving. This didn't happen always, but it was a danger.
During the past year, it was decided that I wasn
t really safe to drive at all. A very good friend came through, and now helps me out when She can. I am also fortunate that I'm in good health; I can walk to most everything that I need to. There is also a regional bus service to most of the towns in my area.
The only real problem that the dissociation poses now is in actually getting to a bus stop, getting on the bus when it arrives, seeing a crossing light at a street corner, and other things which require attention. I think that most or all of my alters have figured out the 'crossing the street' thing.
Dissociation is such a wonderful tool. It's hard not to use it whenever you can. I guess it's addictive, like an 'I'm not here, go bother someone else drug'.
I don't know how not to use it yet. I guess that part of what I need to learn is how to not dissociate when I'm under stress, but not really in danger.
I really don't know how to help, but I'm thinking of you, and I hope you get to where you need to be.
Dee.
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