![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kalyb on May 20, 2003, at 13:19:23
Yargh...... I need to vent!! Bear with me.....
Last year through one thing and another (mostly through depression) I lost my rented flat and was on the verge of homelessness. A friend I've known for about 3 years stepped in and offered me her spare room to rent, so not knowing where else to go, I moved in.
I was still very depressed when I moved in and stressed out to the max - after living on my own for years it was going to be quite something to have to fit into someone else's life in a new area, not to mention her partner and - she didn't tell me till after I moved in - she was pregnant!!
Well I did find it very hard to adjust, and according to my friend she asked me to move in because she wanted to "help" me become a normal person (never mind the rent on the room - they are always desperate for money!!). What this meant in practice was that from the start I felt I had very little control over my life, and everything I did became subject to her scrutiny.... it wasn't long before I realised everything I did to help around the house wasn't "right" and I soon became overwhelmed, feeling I couldn't do anything right. She and her partner have a very full and busy life - they are the kind that get up at dawn and never stop, meaning that not only did they not have much understanding of someone who's depressed (apart from the "snap out of it" mode of therapy) they can't understand someone who's just not as busy and productive as them. So not only did I feel inadequate for having to move in there in the first place, and for seemingly not being able to do anything right, but I ended up feeling totally abnormal, and still do - and it's not getting any better.
My life's under a microscope. Everything I do elicits some criticism or comment from her - I can't even make a cup of tea right!! And some of the small pleasures of life have been taken away from me - I used to be very interested in cooking ethnic food & cooking ingredients, but according to her that's an "obsession" of mine, it's wrong, and I should learn to just make do with plain food or whatever's available. In fact I am always being told I "need" to think or do things differently, or "learn" to. Can you imagine how undermined I feel????? She thinks she's helping..... but it feels so toxic.... and she's in such a position of power. Even if I try to explain (which I have tried) it doesn't seem to change anything, she really thinks she knows best. In fact a friend of mine noticed how she would argue black is white on occasion just to be "right". And I've never heard her apologise to anyone ever, not even to her long suffering partner.
I really wish I could move out of here and just let them get on with their lives, and be "me" again. But I can't do that - I'm seriously depressed and wouldn't hold down a job for a day - even if I could get one round here, which I can't, it's very isolated - and the jobs I could get wouldn't pay the rent on anything but a seedy single room in a bad neighbourhood. Being on state benefits for my depression means that landlords will not accept me.
I just try to exist here, waiting for the AD's I've recently started to kick in, hoping that will at least make ME feel better and tolerate it maybe - the AD's have helped with the anxiety already I am pleased to say, but not the depression yet. She is at home all day, trying to cope with her incredibly full life in a messy dirty house with the new baby, and all I can do is look on and try and avoid helping, because I don't feel up to it, don't want to be here, always at a loss to know if I'd be doing the right thing anyway, and definitely trying to avoid even more unwanted criticism. So I get guilt as well thown in.
For a while I was dating a guy locally, which really helped, he at least treated me like a normal human being and made me feel valued and respected, as well as the fact I was able to get out of here a few days a week, but sadly that relationship ended. And she was horrible enough to tell me that it was my fault the relationship ended??!! (not the case).
Sorry this has been so long. I needed to vent. Can anyone help me with a better perspective on this????? Or just a few words of sympathy!!! There's nobody else I can talk to.
Kalyb xx
Posted by kalyb on May 21, 2003, at 11:24:32
In reply to Toxic friendships revisited?, posted by kalyb on May 20, 2003, at 13:19:23
Posted by fallsfall on May 21, 2003, at 12:09:59
In reply to Toxic friendships revisited?, posted by kalyb on May 20, 2003, at 13:19:23
It certainly sounds like you are in a rough situation. It does sound like she is not helping you to move away from your depression. Having limited living options seems to be a real problem for you. You are in the UK? I don't know how others there have solved this problem, is there a social service program you can talk to who would know? Could you move in with family? It has seemed to me that people who do not have depression have a very hard time understanding what is going on ("Why can't you just pull yourself up by your bootstraps?", "Go get a job, it will make you feel better").
Are there any Depression Support Groups in your area? My local hospital has one. 6 - 15 people show up and each one of them understands what depression is. People will share their current problem (or success!). Most of the time, someone else who is there has had a similar problem and may be able to suggest a strategy or resource. If it is a new problem for everyone, then we brainstorm, or just let the person know that we understand why it is so hard for them. If there are no support groups, maybe you could start one :^), your therapist might be able to help. The hardest part is getting a room and advertising in the paper.
Have you talked to your therapist about what to do? How often do you see him?
This is a tough issue, and I can see why you are upset. Somebody, somewhere has a solution for you.
Keep the faith!
Posted by kalyb on May 21, 2003, at 16:38:31
In reply to Re: Toxic friendships revisited? » kalyb, posted by fallsfall on May 21, 2003, at 12:09:59
Thanks, fallsfall!
> It certainly sounds like you are in a rough situation. It does sound like she is not helping you to move away from your depression. Having limited living options seems to be a real problem for you. You are in the UK? I don't know how others there have solved this problem, is there a social service program you can talk to who would know?
I can try to get myself on the council housing list, but I wouldn't be considered priority, meaning I might have to wait a long time.... a year or more! And much of their housing isn't great - it might be in a bad neighbourhood - council housing is roughly equivalent to "projects" in the USA from what I've seen across the pond.
>Could you move in with family?
Not an option, unfortunately. Apart from lack of space, my parents are on state old-age pensions, plus both have problems of their own - quite likely a root cause of mine! Bipolar father - Ativan-addicted mother and LOTS of past issues to deal with there.... :(
> Are there any Depression Support Groups in your area?
I don't know - neither my doctor or the pdoc mentioned any, but I'll ask. Sounds like it might be good if there are, although I don't have transport of my own and I'm 15 miles from the nearest large town/city.
> Have you talked to your therapist about what to do? How often do you see him?I've only recently started seeing a pdoc, and I'm at the mercy of the UK's national health system which is wonderful NOT. It took me 4 months from asking my doctor for referral to get to see this guy. I've seen him once, and he's given me Effexor and I won't see him any more frequently than once every 2 months. I have no therapist - I've just recieved a date for an initial assessment appointment but I've been told I may have to wait 1-2 years to get any therapy if I'm accepted. I fear I might not be, once in the past I tried all this before and was told I wasn't "bad" (i.e. sick) enough! Also, if I move out of the area I'd be back to square one and have to start all over again...
Private therapy or treatment is really out of the picture here. I barely have enough money to support myself on my disability, and I know I need treatment *before* I can think about getting a job.... and then, most jobs I could get wouldn't leave me much better off financially. I know I'm in a big poverty trap... it's not that unusual in this country.
> This is a tough issue, and I can see why you are upset. Somebody, somewhere has a solution for you.I'm sure they do, or I will find something. It's a matter of staying sane until that happens. Which, some days, feels impossible!! Thank you enormously for replying - at present I've no-one else to talk to. I did have some mutual friends with the friend I'm living with but I know she discusses me with them behind my back, and consequently they've now grown distant. I revealed to one of them how unhappy I was with the situation and it went straight back to her - she later accused me of "bitching" about her... which I wasn't... so I have actually been losing support... and being depressed in a small village I've not lived in for long, miles from the nearest city, with no transport, means I've not had much luck in making new friends.... Sad, isn't it? But my reality, and sometimes I wonder how on earth I could have ended up like this..... <sigh>
Kalyb xx
Posted by noa on May 21, 2003, at 17:09:24
In reply to Re: Toxic friendships revisited? » fallsfall, posted by kalyb on May 21, 2003, at 16:38:31
Kaly, it sounds like a lousy situation. Since you have already had to make the compromise to share housing, why not look for another shared housing situation--with someone who isn't going to make you their life's project. Maybe looking on university bulletin boards, etc. where graduate students might be looking for another flatmate?
Posted by kalyb on May 25, 2003, at 15:44:48
In reply to Re: Toxic friendships revisited?, posted by noa on May 21, 2003, at 17:09:24
Thanks for your input, fallsfall & noa.
Some days it really gets to me - other days it doesn't! The last few days I've felt a bit better, maybe the Effexor is starting to kick in. It reduced my anxiety almost immediately but seems to be taking longer for the AD effects to start. Although I do feel rather emotionless - which isn't really a bad thing. It's refreshing not to feel things so deeply for a change, and I still do feel some things, just more comfortably than before. Things seem a bit more balanced than they were.
Or maybe I'm just premenstrual.... weird thing is I've always noticed I have a brighter mood, can wake up at a "normal" hour in the morning and have sharper, clearer thinking just before my period is due!! Any other girls notice this??
And I feel partially vindicated re the friend/landlady. A couple of days ago, she commented that she wished her partner would take more interest in and do more to look after their newborn baby. "But," she said, "every time I try to show him how to do something like change a nappy [diaper] he says he feels like I'm criticising him...."
Phew. Then that really *is* a fault in HER character, not mine!!! since that's exactly how she makes me feel too. Constantly. And it is SOOOOOOOO infuriating that it's all I can do to stop myself just throwing my arms up and stomping out sometimes - despite the Effexor!! She and her partner appear to have their very own roles, tasks and routines and rarely encroach into the other's areas/jobs, so that might just be because of her imperious and condescending manner when trying to instruct someone else. I really don't like being spoken to as if I was a teenager. In fact I reckon if you spoke to a teenager like that, it'd probably scar for life.....!
What is the best way to respond to this behaviour of hers? How should I handle it? The only person I've known before who behaved like this to me was my father, but then I had to put up & shut up or risk enraging him with the possibility I'd suffer physical abuse. I would probably enrage her too if I did anything but put up with it, but I'm no longer a child, I have some rights, and I really don't know the best way of dealing with this.
Anyway, thanks for the idea about looking on Uni noticeboards, noa... I do think I might pass on that because my compromise to live with others was not freely or joyously made, and I instinctively *know* that I will be happier living on my own, whatever it may take to achieve it.
Kalyb xx
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.