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Toxic friendships revisited?

Posted by kalyb on May 20, 2003, at 13:19:23

Yargh...... I need to vent!! Bear with me.....

Last year through one thing and another (mostly through depression) I lost my rented flat and was on the verge of homelessness. A friend I've known for about 3 years stepped in and offered me her spare room to rent, so not knowing where else to go, I moved in.

I was still very depressed when I moved in and stressed out to the max - after living on my own for years it was going to be quite something to have to fit into someone else's life in a new area, not to mention her partner and - she didn't tell me till after I moved in - she was pregnant!!

Well I did find it very hard to adjust, and according to my friend she asked me to move in because she wanted to "help" me become a normal person (never mind the rent on the room - they are always desperate for money!!). What this meant in practice was that from the start I felt I had very little control over my life, and everything I did became subject to her scrutiny.... it wasn't long before I realised everything I did to help around the house wasn't "right" and I soon became overwhelmed, feeling I couldn't do anything right. She and her partner have a very full and busy life - they are the kind that get up at dawn and never stop, meaning that not only did they not have much understanding of someone who's depressed (apart from the "snap out of it" mode of therapy) they can't understand someone who's just not as busy and productive as them. So not only did I feel inadequate for having to move in there in the first place, and for seemingly not being able to do anything right, but I ended up feeling totally abnormal, and still do - and it's not getting any better.

My life's under a microscope. Everything I do elicits some criticism or comment from her - I can't even make a cup of tea right!! And some of the small pleasures of life have been taken away from me - I used to be very interested in cooking ethnic food & cooking ingredients, but according to her that's an "obsession" of mine, it's wrong, and I should learn to just make do with plain food or whatever's available. In fact I am always being told I "need" to think or do things differently, or "learn" to. Can you imagine how undermined I feel????? She thinks she's helping..... but it feels so toxic.... and she's in such a position of power. Even if I try to explain (which I have tried) it doesn't seem to change anything, she really thinks she knows best. In fact a friend of mine noticed how she would argue black is white on occasion just to be "right". And I've never heard her apologise to anyone ever, not even to her long suffering partner.

I really wish I could move out of here and just let them get on with their lives, and be "me" again. But I can't do that - I'm seriously depressed and wouldn't hold down a job for a day - even if I could get one round here, which I can't, it's very isolated - and the jobs I could get wouldn't pay the rent on anything but a seedy single room in a bad neighbourhood. Being on state benefits for my depression means that landlords will not accept me.

I just try to exist here, waiting for the AD's I've recently started to kick in, hoping that will at least make ME feel better and tolerate it maybe - the AD's have helped with the anxiety already I am pleased to say, but not the depression yet. She is at home all day, trying to cope with her incredibly full life in a messy dirty house with the new baby, and all I can do is look on and try and avoid helping, because I don't feel up to it, don't want to be here, always at a loss to know if I'd be doing the right thing anyway, and definitely trying to avoid even more unwanted criticism. So I get guilt as well thown in.

For a while I was dating a guy locally, which really helped, he at least treated me like a normal human being and made me feel valued and respected, as well as the fact I was able to get out of here a few days a week, but sadly that relationship ended. And she was horrible enough to tell me that it was my fault the relationship ended??!! (not the case).

Sorry this has been so long. I needed to vent. Can anyone help me with a better perspective on this????? Or just a few words of sympathy!!! There's nobody else I can talk to.

Kalyb xx


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poster:kalyb thread:227894
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