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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 14:53:01
In reply to Good news/bad news » Deneb, posted by Racer on January 11, 2006, at 12:35:04
I was freaking out to the point of losing my mind last night. I couldn't sleep so I took 2mg of my Mom very old and probably expired Ativan. How there's only 1 pill left.
I was planning go waking up at 7 and going to the walk-in-clinic before class started.
But...my alarm didn't go on! The Ativan worked later during the night and I was just too sleepy to care. Argh, I ended up missing 2 of my classes.
I did go to the clinic. The doctor was able to find the lump. She said it was a cyst, but I have to go get an ultrasound of it now. My appointment is on Jan 26 to get the ultrasound. How do I not freak out until then??
That's it, I'm going to make an appointment with my regular family doc pronto. She's the really careful one who goes through all the tests to make sure it's nothing.
OK, I did it, I did it. I made an appointment with my family doctor for tomorrow. I know she'll actually spend some time with me.
It's weird how I don't get anxious when I talk about ending my own life, but super anxious when it's out of my control...
How the heck am I going to study? I need some Klonopin or something. No more caffeine for me.
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 15:03:42
In reply to Re: Another doctor's appointment for Deneb. . ., posted by Sarah T. on January 11, 2006, at 0:28:58
Where scared each time SarahT? It sure sounds scary to me. ((((((SarahT))))))))
> Deneb, the only thing you should do now is get an appointment with a good gynecologist. Do you have a doctor you can call for a referral? Perhaps your family doctor can steer you to a colleague. Don't think about it anymore. Just do it. You have to be almost like a robot. Just go through the motions of getting the appointment so that the doctor, who will have had lots of experience with this sort of thing, can put your mind at ease. Don't read any more about breast lumps until after your doctor's appointment.
>OK Sarah...I'll try not to read any more about breast lumps. Today I saw a walk-in-clinic doctor who spent all of 5 mins examining me and told me that it was a cyst, half a centimeter in diameter. I made an appointment for an ultrasound.
I also have an appointment with my family doctor for tomorrow.
Right now, anxiety is through the roof. I just want to be calm again.
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 15:07:47
In reply to Good news/bad news » Deneb, posted by Racer on January 11, 2006, at 12:35:04
> That's the good news. The bad news, is that the plates of a mammogram machine are cold, and ultrasound requires a gel medium that's cold and slimy.
>
> With that the only real downside to it, don't you feel better?Yes, much better. Thanks Racer.
>
> (Of course, it's still worth going to the doctor, if only to set your mind at ease, and to learn what to feel for. Healthy breast tissue will feel kinda like feeling broccoli through jello. The scary lumps are usually like frozen peas. That's a simplification, but your doctor will help you figure out what you're feeling.)It's be a good idea to learn how to do a breast self exam.
Maybe this is like a wake up call...to not ignore my health. I haven't had a physical in years, maybe it's time to get one. Yes, it's time to get one.
Deneb
Posted by TexasChic on January 11, 2006, at 18:07:14
In reply to Re: Good news/bad news » Racer, posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 15:07:47
If it helps any, I've had two separate friends who found lumps that ended up being nothing.
I've freaked myself out before too, and it was just naturally lumpy breast tissue I felt. I read somewhere its supposed to feel like a cluster of grapes. Once I read that, I realized that's exactly how it felt. I think the main thing is to learn how they feel, and watch for any changes.
Strangely enough, I had a well women exam today and the doctor said I should have a mamogram since I'm 35. If nothing is wrong, then I don't have to have another one until I'm 40. I'm scared to death about the actual procedure. I hope it doesn't hurt too much!
Let us know how everything works out for you.
-T
Posted by lynn971 on January 11, 2006, at 19:46:16
In reply to Re: Scared, found lump (or is it a rib?) in breast!, posted by Tabitha on January 10, 2006, at 23:48:43
I have done this so many times. My doctor finally agreed that I should not do self breast checks. I felt breast so many times one time that I made a bruise. The breast is filled with all kinds of lumps. If you don't know what you are feeling, it can be scarry.
Once I felt something so I ran to the doctor. He sent me to do an ultrasound. Well the radiologist told me that it was some tissue that was holding up my breast and because it was over the rib, it felt hard. Deneb, I have done what you have done about 5 times. My doc said that I could go to him every six months instead of every year to rest my mind.
Get your mom to check it and schedule an appt with the doc asap so that you can be at ease. Not that I think there is something, but because until a doc tells you that you are fine you will be filled with anxiety. Once you see that you are fine, please do not do anymore self checks.Other people might not panic, we panic.
((((Deneb))))
Posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 19:51:31
In reply to Re: Good news/bad news, posted by TexasChic on January 11, 2006, at 18:07:14
I found out that apparently, women who are 20 are supposed to get a breast exam then and then every 3 years later.
Last night was the first time I ever really examined myself. I don't know how long that lump has been there.
I've also never been to a women's doctor before. Actually I hasn't been in for any sort of check ups.
Jan 26 seems like a long time from now. It seems like a long time to wait to see if I'm OK.
What do I do in the meantime?
I don't know how to cope with something like this. I'm afraid I'll go back to my usual ways of coping...
...like why should I study when I'm just gonna die anyways?
Deneb
Posted by lynn971 on January 11, 2006, at 19:55:03
In reply to Re: Scared, found lump (or is it a rib?) in breast!, posted by lynn971 on January 11, 2006, at 19:46:16
The post I put up was written before I finished reading the rest of the posts.
Telling someone not to do a self breast examination is probably not good advice. I guess I should have said to make sure you know how to check the breast before you check them.
I will be praying for you. Everything will be fine. If the doc knows how anxious you are, maybe s/he can make an ultrasound appt soon so that you do not have to wait.
((((Deneb))))
Posted by lynn971 on January 11, 2006, at 20:17:49
In reply to Re: oops, I just read further., posted by lynn971 on January 11, 2006, at 19:55:03
When I am nervous, I get into the Bible and meditate on healing scriptures and scriptures that build up my faith.
I dont know what else to tell you because that is the only thing that helps me.
One time the doc told me I had something on my thyroid. I did not meditate on scripture. Needless to say, I ended up in a pysch ward. When I got out (two days later) I meditated on scriptures.
Posted by Racer on January 11, 2006, at 20:18:31
In reply to Re: Good news/bad news *trigger*, posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 19:51:31
>
> Jan 26 seems like a long time from now. It seems like a long time to wait to see if I'm OK.
>Deneb, you aren't going to be waiting until 26 Jan, but only until 12 Jan -- you have an appointment with your family doctor, don't you? THAT appointment is the one to think about, not some ultrasound you probably won't be doing anyway.
So use your brain for a second to calm your emotions: "Tomorrow I will see the family doctor, who is very careful and will pay attention to this. I can get through one night, no matter how frightening this is." Every time you find yourself starting to give in to those thoughts of how terrible it could be, remind yourself of this.
Why do I say you probably won't be going to that ultrasound? My experience has been that student health centers are trumped by regular doctors -- if your GP thinks there's anything to worry about, I'll bet she'll have you in for imaging studies much sooner.
Here's another reality check: most breast cancer is pretty slow growing. When I went through this, the mammogram and ultrasound showed nothing particularly worrisome -- but the surgeon found a lump he said he thought actually *was* breast cancer. And then told me that it didn't matter that it hadn't been imaged in the ultrasound, because next year or the year after would be time enough. And that was a specialist who thought that the lump was cancerous! You've already had one doctor tell you it's a cyst. Most of us have fibrous cysts in our breasts. It's part of being a woman.
Welcome to the real world of being a woman, Deneb. You will survive this, just like most of the rest of us.
Posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 20:26:47
In reply to Re: oops, I just read further., posted by lynn971 on January 11, 2006, at 19:55:03
> I will be praying for you. Everything will be fine. If the doc knows how anxious you are, maybe s/he can make an ultrasound appt soon so that you do not have to wait.
I can't tell you how much it mean for you to pray for me Lynn. I have a feeling prayers work.
I think this might be a good time to believe in God.
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 20:38:04
In reply to This is where your thinking skills come in » Deneb, posted by Racer on January 11, 2006, at 20:18:31
> Deneb, you aren't going to be waiting until 26 Jan, but only until 12 Jan -- you have an appointment with your family doctor, don't you? THAT appointment is the one to think about, not some ultrasound you probably won't be doing anyway.
OK Racer. I will get through tonight, I will get through tonight.
> Why do I say you probably won't be going to that ultrasound? My experience has been that student health centers are trumped by regular doctors -- if your GP thinks there's anything to worry about, I'll bet she'll have you in for imaging studies much sooner.
I didn't go to the student health centre today. I went to a nearby walk-in-clinic because I knew it would be a long long wait at the student health centre. The doctor didn't seem to make a big deal out of finding the lump. It must have taken all of 5 mins to see her and leave.
I want to talk to my regular family doctor, the one who once spent an hour with me talking about my mental problems. I know she really cares about me.
I just told my Mom just a few minutes ago. My Mom is being calm about it. She wants to go with me to the appointment tomorrow.
Right now I have to think that even if it is the worse possible diagnosis, that there are treatment options. It doesn't mean a death sentence.
>
> Here's another reality check: most breast cancer is pretty slow growing.That's a really good thing to know Racer.
>
> Welcome to the real world of being a woman, Deneb. You will survive this, just like most of the rest of us.Men have their problems too, but this whole women's thing really sucks.
I'm going to survive, I'm going to survive...
Next...
I'm going to study, I'm going to study...LOL
Thanks Racer
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 21:27:14
In reply to Re: This is where your thinking skills come in » Racer, posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 20:38:04
Sigh, I just did some research and it seems the statistics don't look good for young people with breast cancer. Young people have more aggressive forms of breast cancer and fewer survive.
If I have cancer, I should be prepared to die. It's not so bad I guess, I think I always knew that I would die young. I always though it would be by my own hand, but whatever.
I want some good drugs before I die. My hamsters died. Sophie died young. I hope they didn't suffer. I don't want to suffer.
Maybe I'll have some fun times before I die. Maybe there really is a heaven. Dying won't be so bad then, if I go to heaven.
Deneb
Finding it very difficult to study right now
Posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 23:32:00
In reply to This is where your thinking skills come in » Deneb, posted by Racer on January 11, 2006, at 20:18:31
I re-read all your messages and I feel slightly better now.
I have to do that more often...re-read what people have already written to me instead of waiting for new posts to help me.
It was very helpful to re-read those posts.
thanks guys, you're the best! :-)
Maybe this scare will be good in the long run. I'm certainly going to pay more attention to my body after this and make sure I see the doctor to get physicals.
deneb
Posted by holymama on January 12, 2006, at 3:14:19
In reply to I re-read all your messages, posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 23:32:00
Deneb,
Hi! I found a lump in my breast in my mid twenties. It scared the bejeezus out of me until I saw a specialist.
What I learned from him is that I just have lumpy breasts!! The lump that I had sounds like yours, small and firm and moved under my skin. He said the kind of lump that moves is not usually anything to worry about. It's the kind that seem attached and don't move around that are more worrisome. Sorry, not very scientific terminology, but those are words to remember for both of us.
Good luck, Deneb, with keeping your anxiety down. Remember there is a reason for everything and perhaps you will gain something positive from a little health scare.
~Autumn~
Posted by JenStar on January 12, 2006, at 10:16:10
In reply to I re-read all your messages, posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 23:32:00
Deneb, you're going to be OK. It's VERY low possibility of cancer, OK? You're going to be FINE. :) Keep in mind your youth, your health history, your family's absence of breast cancer, and the fact that there are many other reasons for lumpy breasts. Even if it were cancer, you're finding it early and there are great treatments. But I don't think it is cancer, OK? (I mean, I know I'm not a doctor, and I'm not psychic, but I really think you're going to be OK.)
Please try not to stress. I know it's hard, but you ARE going to be OK. Take it easy on yourself!
JenStar
Posted by Racer on January 12, 2006, at 13:22:58
In reply to Re: This is where your thinking skills *Trigger*, posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 21:27:14
> Sigh, I just did some research and it seems the statistics don't look good
Why on earth would you do that, Deneb? You do know that that's just torturing yourself, right? You don't need to do that -- why buy trouble when you can get so much for free?
Again: use your thinking apparatus. You've seen a doctor, who said it was a benign cyst. You've made an appointment to see a doctor you trust. You've calmed yourself down using some skills you're trying to learn, and they've worked.
So why are you going back to read more and freak yourself out more? You do know that you're going to freak out by reading those things, so why do it when the idea is to calm down and get through until the next appointment?
> I think I always knew that I would die young.
Here's a reality check, Deneb: it's a heck of a lot more likely that you WON'T die young, so you better figure out a way to work through these things now, so that you're not still living crisis to crisis when you're 40. Trust me, that ain't what you want.
It's very easy to say, "well, it doesn't matter, because I'm going to die young." But you know what? That's a very immature attitude to take. It's much better to make an effort to improve your ability to cope, so that you can be happier for all those years when you look in the mirror and say, "How the [expletive deleted] did I ever manage to get SO OLD?" I do that many mornings.
And Deneb? If you read back through the archives, about two years ago, I was told that "the radiologist says that the tumors in your liver look malignant. That means cancer." There's no question, it is frightening, it will freak you out, and that's normal. But once a doctor who has examined you tells you that the lump you found is a normal lump, it's time to move on. You're doing the right things, getting an appointment with your own doctor, etc. Now move on.
Posted by Racer on January 12, 2006, at 14:44:14
In reply to I re-read all your messages, posted by Deneb on January 11, 2006, at 23:32:00
I forgot to ask, when I posted earlier, how it went with your family doctor?
Here's the thing, Deneb: even if it may seem as if I'm hard on you, I do care what happens to you. I want to see you doing well, and I know that it's possible for you to do well. Some days I'm doing badly myself, and other days I want to shake you so that you can hear what I'm trying to say. But on any of those days, I still care what happens to you.
So, how did it go? What did your doctor say? Did she show you how to do a self-exam? Did she describe what different sorts of lumps feel like? (A lot of doctors have a practice breast, that has a lot of normal lumps, and some cancerous lumps, for you to feel. Those can be helpful, in teaching you to distinguish between them.)
Posted by Deneb on January 12, 2006, at 16:44:59
In reply to STOP IT! » Deneb, posted by Racer on January 12, 2006, at 13:22:58
> Why on earth would you do that, Deneb? You do know that that's just torturing yourself, right?
Yes, I know that know. I won't do any more research on this. I need to think of other things, more productive things...like on my studies.
> > I think I always knew that I would die young.
>
> Here's a reality check, Deneb: it's a heck of a lot more likely that you WON'T die young, so you better figure out a way to work through these things now, so that you're not still living crisis to crisis when you're 40. Trust me, that ain't what you want.Yes you're right again. It's more likely that I won't die and if I choose to "check-out" now, I'll really mess up my future. That's one of the reasons why my grades are below what I want them to be right now...because at times I give up on life. I trust you on that one Racer.
> But once a doctor who has examined you tells you that the lump you found is a normal lump, it's time to move on. You're doing the right things, getting an appointment with your own doctor, etc. Now move on.
It's just hard to move on sometimes. I feel like I'm always going to be afraid of this lump now, no matter if the ultrasound says it's nothing. I have to learn to not be so obsessive and anxious.
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on January 12, 2006, at 16:53:58
In reply to I forgot to ask - how did it go with your doctor? » Deneb, posted by Racer on January 12, 2006, at 14:44:14
> I forgot to ask, when I posted earlier, how it went with your family doctor?
My family doctor taught me how to do a self exam. She didn't have an models of breasts for me to feel...too bad. She didn't seem worried at all. She told me lumps can result from normal hormonal changes. She told me not to worry. She said the lump was 0.7cm.
I'm getting blood tests done just because it's been 5 years since I've had one. I hope I'm OK.
At least my blood pressure is good. It's 100/70. One time it was around 140/- and my doctor got scared for me and ordered an ultrasound, and Holter monitoring. It turned out to be nothing. It was probably just anxiety. I was also holding my breath, that might have increased my blood pressure.
> Here's the thing, Deneb: even if it may seem as if I'm hard on you, I do care what happens to you. I want to see you doing well, and I know that it's possible for you to do well.
I know Racer. :-) I know a lot of people here care about me. I care about you too, even though I hardly ever respond to your posts. A lot of the time I don't feel qualified to respond. I have next to zero life experience. I've read some of your past posts and I have an idea of what you've been through.
Thanks Racer
You posts are always helpful to me.Deneb
Posted by TexasChic on January 13, 2006, at 20:02:46
In reply to Re: I forgot to ask - how did it go with your doctor?, posted by Deneb on January 12, 2006, at 16:53:58
> I know a lot of people here care about me. I care about you too, even though I hardly ever respond to your posts. A lot of the time I don't feel qualified to respond. I have next to zero life experience. I've read some of your past posts and I have an idea of what you've been through.
Sometimes it comforting just to know someone is thinking of you even if you don't have any advice. Don't minimize your importance. I always feel touched when you respond to me.
-T
Posted by Deneb on January 13, 2006, at 20:48:53
In reply to Re: I forgot to ask - how did it go with your doctor?, posted by Deneb on January 12, 2006, at 16:53:58
I hate this. I hate this horrible anxiety. It's making me miserable. My hands are constantly sweating and I can't concentrate on studying.
I hate this so much. I wish I were dead, but at the same time I'm afraid of dying.
I feel like I can't handle it. I don't have good mental health to begin with, all this uncertainly is making me worse. How can I get through 2 weeks? Thank goodness I came out of my distress before all this happened.
I feel like I should make plans for my death. Ugh, I'm just not well. I feel like I'm going to break. I feel like I'm going faint/disappear. I don't know how to deal with health problems.
I feel like I don't even care if I die suddenly. I just don't want to have cancer.
Life is too stressful. I want to sleep and go off to a dreamworld.
I want to go comatose until everything is OK again.
Deneb
Posted by Deneb on January 13, 2006, at 21:02:07
In reply to I feel like the anxiety is killing me, posted by Deneb on January 13, 2006, at 20:48:53
I want to check out.
I want to check out of life. It's too stressful. I'm just exhausted from the anxiety.
I feel like I can't handle it. I don't know how much more I can take.
I'm sorry, I'm just feel especially bad right now. I think it will pass.
I just want to be put out of my misery right now.
Posted by TexasChic on January 13, 2006, at 21:05:30
In reply to I feel like the anxiety is killing me, posted by Deneb on January 13, 2006, at 20:48:53
Rather than plan for the worst, why not plan for the best? There's nothing you can do about it, right? So put it in God's - or fate's hands (whichever you believe in). If you can't do anything about it, then excessive worry won't solve anything, it only makes you feel bad. Just repeat to yourself;
'This is out of my hands. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I have no control over this. Therefore, I give myself permission to stop worrying about it and just relax and be happy.'
-T
Posted by Deneb on January 13, 2006, at 21:36:59
In reply to Re: I feel like the anxiety is killing me » Deneb, posted by TexasChic on January 13, 2006, at 21:05:30
> Sometimes it comforting just to know someone is thinking of you even if you don't have any advice. Don't minimize your importance. I always feel touched when you respond to me.
Thanks TexasChic, likewise
> Rather than plan for the worst, why not plan for the best?
I feel like I can't plan for the best. I feel like it will be bad luck to plan for the best. I have to plan for the worse. It's twisted, I know. I gotta get into the whole, "I'm prepared to die sort of thing again." I think that might give me some relief. I just hate having things be out of my control.
>There's nothing you can do about it, right? So put it in God's - or fate's hands (whichever you believe in). If you can't do anything about it, then excessive worry won't solve anything, it only makes you feel bad.
I can't help it. I can't help but worry.
>Just repeat to yourself;
>
> 'This is out of my hands. Whatever is meant to happen will happen. I have no control over this. Therefore, I give myself permission to stop worrying about it and just relax and be happy.'I don't think I can accept that.
Thanks for trying to help.
Deneb
Posted by Phillipa on January 13, 2006, at 21:57:08
In reply to Re: I feel like the anxiety is killing me, posted by Deneb on January 13, 2006, at 21:36:59
Hey Deneb for what it's worth I'm the same way. Take your resperidol. You have to wait. It will turn out okay even if you don't believe it will. Try and do something with someone to distract yourself. Something fun. I know how hard it is I emphathize with you. Fondly, Phillipa been there gone there still there.
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