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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 15, 2008, at 10:28:04
Not sure if this belongs here, or if it will be diverted to another area, but it IS about a faith issue.
Divorced after 31 years of abuse. Church voted me out of membership (18 month nightmare as to what happened): www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com...something positive came from the spiritual abuse (it has been a phenomenon; Over 14,400 hits.
Elie Wiesel (survivor of Auschwitz) has written to me regarding my poetry; I am humbled and honored.
I have been alone now (excruciating) for 3 years and have been celibate....because of my faith...and to be honest perhaps because I haven't fallen in love with anyone.
I pray every day and night for God to bring me a man of integrity, kindness, etc......
I've managed to accomplish so much as an overcomer and wounded-healer...I am the moderator of an abused survivor's group, written my memoir, won a scholarshp and went back to school (age 61)...etc., etc.....what is missing is love....and sex......I am a very passionate, touch-feely person and to not be in a relationship and have someone to share life's joys and burdens is more than I can bear.
I could write a book on this subject, but will stop here.....my story was published: www.psychiatricjournal.com, entitled; The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse.
Anyone relate?
Smiles, Sassy
P.S. I am wondering how long I can hang on and not have sex; "deprivation breeds desire."
Posted by rayww on July 17, 2008, at 17:57:49
In reply to Sex, Faith, Divorce...Anyone Relate?, posted by sassyfrancesca on July 15, 2008, at 10:28:04
>
> P.S. I am wondering how long I can hang on and not have sex; "deprivation breeds desire."Nothing wrong with desire, it comes and then it goes. Do you want to hear my advice???
Usually with desire comes a longing to be with another person, specifically the one who you have been cultivating a relationship with lately.
So, don't cultivate.Parable: When a farmer cultivates soil it puts oxygen into it and makes it more fertile so the new crop will flourish. If the soil is not cultivated, and no seed is planted, the weeds will grow. You pull the weeds out one at a time, making sure you go down to the root each time, and if you get them before they go to seed, they'll never come back.
If you have already cultivated and planted your garden it is not too late to go after the weeds. Carefully reach between each plant and pull them out one by one. Soon you will have a beautiful fruitful garden.
Only you know what the weeds in your life are, and only you can pull them out. I'd say sex is a weed, unless it is a seed that you have carefully nurtured, and until you meet your charming prince, I'd consider it dormant.
A fruitful life can bring much pleasure.
Posted by rayww on July 17, 2008, at 21:14:39
In reply to Sex, Faith, Divorce...Anyone Relate?, posted by sassyfrancesca on July 15, 2008, at 10:28:04
It takes 5 years to recover from loss. Don't let yourself become connected unless you are real sure of what you are doing. Be smart. At any age, if you connect to someone you shouldn't, it can take a long time to recover from the loss, and it isn't something you should want to put yourself through, unless you don't mind losing another five years too.
When I say recover from loss, I simply mean to be able to live your life without "him/sex" at your center, in every thought, or as your motivator for doing or being, even intruding into your prayers...taking the place of god.
Of course what do I know? I'm only 60. Never been divorced, never had an affair, but I did lose a father when I was young, and had a problem subconsciously trying to connect with father types. I wasted a lot of years trying to figure this out. I thought you could live life on both sides of the coin.....and you can, if you're prepared to suffer the consequences, which are deep and hard to bear. This is where I relate to what you were saying.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 18, 2008, at 12:42:02
In reply to Re: Sex, Faith, Divorce...Anyone Relate? » sassyfrancesca, posted by rayww on July 17, 2008, at 17:57:49
> >
> > P.S. I am wondering how long I can hang on and not have sex; "deprivation breeds desire."
>
> Nothing wrong with desire, it comes and then it goes. Do you want to hear my advice???I don't need advice (I am a counselor by the way)...I wanted to hear from someone who could understand what I have been going through.
>
> Usually with desire comes a longing to be with another person, specifically the one who you have been cultivating a relationship with lately.
> So, don't cultivate.Huh? Don't cultivate a relationship? That is what a relationship IS....cultivation in part.
I am not in a relationship.>
> Parable: When a farmer cultivates soil it puts oxygen into it and makes it more fertile so the new crop will flourish. If the soil is not cultivated, and no seed is planted, the weeds will grow. You pull the weeds out one at a time, making sure you go down to the root each time, and if you get them before they go to seed, they'll never come back.
>
> If you have already cultivated and planted your garden it is not too late to go after the weeds. Carefully reach between each plant and pull them out one by one. Soon you will have a beautiful fruitful garden. Not sure i get what you are saying.
>
> Only you know what the weeds in your life are, and only you can pull them out. you would have to define "weed." Basically the "weed" in my life (as I stated) is being alone and without sex.I'd say sex is a weed, unless it is a seed that you have carefully nurtured, and until you meet your charming prince, I'd consider it dormant.
I had already said that I was celibate.
>
> A fruitful life can bring much pleasure.There isn't any pleasure in being alone OR without sex.
>
>
Posted by rayww on July 18, 2008, at 16:49:00
In reply to Re: Sex, Faith, Divorce...Anyone Relate?, posted by sassyfrancesca on July 18, 2008, at 12:42:02
> > A fruitful life can bring much pleasure.
>
> There isn't any pleasure in being alone OR without sex.
> >
Beg to differ. You just have to make your mind up about it. My mother, handicapped as she was, has lived a very enjoyable life for the most part since she was 39. She lived near sisters and children, but even if she didn't, she belonged to clubs, and socialized a lot.Aha moment. She was married for eternity though, and has that to look forward to. When her husband (my dad) died, they were very much in love, and she has never looked for another man.
He has been gone for 40 years. I'm sure she was where you are after 3. It takes time, and then you're hardened just a bit to it.
"This too will pass"
Posted by seldomseen on July 19, 2008, at 11:34:12
In reply to Sex, Faith, Divorce...Anyone Relate?, posted by sassyfrancesca on July 15, 2008, at 10:28:04
I do understand loneliness.
However, have you considered that you might be praying for the wrong things? Instead of praying for a man, or a new relationship to ease the loneliness, what has helped me is to work toward acceptance of where I am right now.
There is so much joy in life, so much to be grateful for and humbled by. What struck me about my situation was that wishing for more began to feel unnecessary. In fact, it was robbing me of what was good.
There is such peace in being able to say "I'm good right now, really really good"
Plus there is so much confidence to be gained from knowing that I can carry the bad and enjoy the good.
Just sharing my story
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 22, 2008, at 13:22:40
In reply to Re: Sex, Faith, Divorce...Anyone Relate? » sassyfrancesca, posted by rayww on July 18, 2008, at 16:49:00
> > > A fruitful life can bring much pleasure.
> >
> > There isn't any pleasure in being alone OR without sex.
> > >
> Beg to differ. This isn't about others' feelings, but about how I (underline...I) feel about my situation.You just have to make your mind up about it. Making up my mind? I feel the way I feel.
My mother, handicapped as she was, has lived a very enjoyable life for the most part since she was 39. She lived near sisters and children, but even if she didn't, she belonged to clubs, and socialized a lot. This has nothing to do with my experience or feelings.
>
> Aha moment. She was married for eternity though, and has that to look forward to. When her husband (my dad) died, they were very much in love, and she has never looked for another man.
She was fortunate; this is not my experience.
>
> He has been gone for 40 years. I'm sure she was where you are after 3. No way to know that. It takes time, and then you're hardened just a bit to it.I won't ever be "hardened."
>
> "This too will pass"Not necessarily; there is no way to know that. We cannot speak for others' feelings and thoughts.
I realize that a lot of people aren't capable of hearing and validating feelings.
That is what I needed....someone who could relate.
Posted by rayww on July 22, 2008, at 15:00:10
In reply to Re: Sex, Faith, Divorce...Anyone Relate?, posted by sassyfrancesca on July 22, 2008, at 13:22:40
> > He has been gone for 40 years. I'm sure she was where you are after 3. No way to know that. It takes time, and then you're hardened just a bit to it.
>
> I won't ever be "hardened."
> >
> > "This too will pass"
>
> Not necessarily; there is no way to know that. We cannot speak for others' feelings and thoughts.
>
> I realize that a lot of people aren't capable of hearing and validating feelings.
>
> That is what I needed....someone who could relate.
>
>I'm sure you will be all right. That's the purpose of faith I guess. What my faith does for me when I am in the middle of a crisis, is remind me that this too will pass. Faith for me, sets a code for living that if followed will keep me/anyone protected. I still have problems, but none of them have challenged my faith in God. It is comforting to know that He is always near, when no one else seems to be. Since my stroke I have felt non existent. People look through you rather than at you. Just because I don't feel like communicating by speaking, people ignore and pretend I don't exist. You have chosen a faith forum where people can share and strengthen one another through their own experiences with faith. You aren't here to just focus on yourself. You are here to communicate with others. Didn't I read somewhere that you and I are the same age? How many good years do we have left? I hope it's not all downhill from here. Your poetry is beautiful. Let it pull you up and over some of the hard spots. I always go to the poet's last phrase, the clincher, because that is where a drop of wisdom will squeeze out from the writing.
I don't identify with where you are or where you've been. everyone on earth has a different package to work with, but all are trying to be happy. Isn't that right? Happiness is within reach for everyone.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on July 22, 2008, at 15:11:35
In reply to Re: Sex, Faith, Divorce...Anyone Relate? » sassyfrancesca, posted by rayww on July 22, 2008, at 15:00:10
> > > He has been gone for 40 years. I'm sure she was where you are after 3. No way to know that. It takes time, and then you're hardened just a bit to it.
> >
> > I won't ever be "hardened."
> > >
> > > "This too will pass"
> >
> > Not necessarily; there is no way to know that. We cannot speak for others' feelings and thoughts.
> >
> > I realize that a lot of people aren't capable of hearing and validating feelings.
> >
> > That is what I needed....someone who could relate.
> >
> >
>
> I'm sure you will be all right. Thankyou. I didn't mean to sound harsh, but I did need to be validated. That's the purpose of faith I guess. I still have that. What my faith does for me when I am in the middle of a crisis, is remind me that this too will pass. Faith for me, sets a code for living that if followed will keep me/anyone protected. I still have problems, but none of them have challenged my faith in God. It is comforting to know that He is always near, when no one else seems to be. I am so sorry. Since my stroke I have felt non existent. People look through you rather than at you. That is so sad. Just because I don't feel like communicating by speaking, people ignore and pretend I don't exist. You have chosen a faith forum where people can share and strengthen one another through their own experiences with faith. You aren't here to just focus on yourself. As the moderator of an abused survivor group (and other groups), it is rare to speak of myself. I thought I would be "safe" to talk about what was going on with me (for a change). You are here to communicate with others. Didn't I read somewhere that you and I are the same age? How many good years do we have left? I hope it's not all downhill from here. I keep on working so hard. I am waiting to find out if my submission to the American Counseling Association's Convention for next year....if my paper on emotional abuse will be accepted. If so, I will be speaking in front of the professionals. I have no degree, but my experience at being verbally and physically abused, has made me an "expert" in the subject. I recently returned to school and won a scholarship, to my amazemnt! Your poetry is beautiful. Thankyou, sweetie! Let it pull you up and over some of the hard spots. I kept on writing years after my website was up, and a lot of the poems are included in my memoir. I plan to start a website for people who have been emotionally abused. I always go to the poet's last phrase, the clincher, because that is where a drop of wisdom will squeeze out from the writing.
>
> I don't identify with where you are or where you've been. everyone on earth has a different package to work with, but all are trying to be happy. Isn't that right? Exactly. Happiness is within reach for everyone. I can only hope that is true; I sure am doing everything I can to make it happen.Hugs and Love, Sassy
Posted by rayww on July 31, 2008, at 0:46:02
In reply to Re: Sex, Faith, Divorce...Anyone Relate?, posted by sassyfrancesca on July 22, 2008, at 15:11:35
I'm sorry if I didn't validate you in the way you needed. Perhaps it is my "me tough" upbringing. There are a couple of things (belief statements) I believe about life, that help my present. One is "everything from my past has been for my best good". Can you say that out loud? I figure if I haven't learned important things from my own experience, or the package which I was dealt, then my life has been wasted. I'm all for turning the negative into a positive somehow. Through your writing you are doing just that too.
I can see many positives in my stroke, and I try not to focus on the other side. I need more rest than before, and as long as I take it once in awhile I'm all right. I have a slower pace, and I can really enjoy my work if I take it slow. It's when things get out of control, or when I feel too many demands that I start to melt away.
My brothers destroyed brain cells through drugs. I always stayed away from drugs, but I have destroyed brain cells now too. Is that fair? My mother destroyed brain cells when she suffered a brain tumor. There is a huge difference between dark and light beings. A person with destroyed cells can radiate light. Light is faith.
Faith can keep you above any crisis, both during it and after it has passed. The important thing is to never let go of it. You have to feed faith daily to keep it alive in you. Hope for a better place and a better world. Charity will come of hope and faith, because that is the vehicle through which we share. Faith, Hope, and Charity, the crux of the Gospel.
If you hope for a better place and find it, you have made the world a little bit better. If everyone hoped for a better world, and did what they could to improve their own spot, the world would be a better place. Once your own world is better, you reach out to others, and round and round we go.
You are doing that through your work and your website, perhaps more than you realize.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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