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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on September 2, 2006, at 20:43:06
As many of you already know, I have this thing about being perfect. For instance, it was hard for me to go down that little spot on my rump, ClearSkies, because that proves I'm Not Perfect. And somehow, for me, Not Perfect is all tied up in Not Good Enough.
If I were Good Enough, you know, I could have climbed down that section on my feet. I wouldn't have had to get on my rump to do it.
(Of course, if I were Good Enough, I wouldn't be this heavy, either, but that's another board...)
Lately, I've been more aware of how much of this is anxiety disorder. For instance, I had a couple of pretty bad days this past week, crying a lot, rough therapy sessions, etc. After the first rough therapy session, which was followed by a rough marriage counseling session, I realized the next day that I was at least 20 pounds heavier than I had been. Well, the number on the scale probably hadn't changed, certainly hadn't changed more than two pounds, so the 20 pounds gained overnight had to be an anxiety related distortion, right? And my Baby Step for the week was to recognize that.
Doesn't mean I actually accept it. BABY steps, you know?
And a few things happened the past few weeks that also are having an impact on me:
On the second midterm for my math class this summer, I "failed" it. I was ready to cry, to drop the class, etc. Someone finally pointed out, "Hey -- that's still an A..." I honestly hadn't even recognized that. It was under 95%, so it was failing. There's something wrong there, right?
Same math class, one of the other students said to the lecturer, "Yeah, she thinks she failed if she doesn't get 100%." It's not literally true -- but I don't think it's Good Enough if it's not 100%. There's something wrong there, too.
When I finally got my grade for that class, my husband said he kinda wished I had gotten a B -- "so that you'd see that people would still love you." I nearly broke down over that -- it was so frightening. And I don't know why.
What I think, though, as much as I think anything, is that it has to do with approval. With the same sorts of things that Jost and llrrrp were discussing on Psych here: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/682177.html
Maybe. This is so fuzzled in my brain, but I think there's something involved about wanting that approval, but no knowing where the boundaries are -- because they kept moving so much. So, only 100% will be Good Enough, because nothing else is safe. Anything else, the approval line may move, and it may not be Good Enough.
That would tell me, as an intellectually aware adult, that approval was nothing I had any influence on. It depended solely on my mother's state at the moment, on whether she was feeling hostile towards me, or had some positive energy she was willing to spend on me. Whether I got 100% or 90% wouldn't have mattered to her reaction. In fact, I could probably have gotten 69% or even 40% and still gotten approval if she was in that mood.
But I'm still so caught up in that.
Oh, wow -- got a whiff of other family members, who consider me some sort of half-wit, unable to function, half a lurching step from An Institution, etc. I bet some of them think my husband has to tie my shoes. (Or that that's why I still wear Bass Weejuns, but that's a different story, right?) Getting 100% won't make any difference to them, it would only lead to some sort of "it's so tragic, she has a 4.0 GPA, but still can't function in the world... Think of what she could have done if she wasn't lazy/crazy/whatever."
If it's no use at all, why do I still try? Why am I so caught up in it? Why does it eat me alive?
I think it's time for me to end this post. I'm crying again, and I'm just tired of doing that right now.
Posted by ClearSkies on September 2, 2006, at 21:26:46
In reply to Approval, and anxiety, and being Good Enough, posted by Racer on September 2, 2006, at 20:43:06
> If it's no use at all, why do I still try? Why am I so caught up in it? Why does it eat me alive?
>It's hard to turn this around. To make it not just "ok" to be how we are, but to actually APPROVE how we are. I'm aghast that I might ever consider that my shape, which is currently Round, is not only ok, but it's a good shape for me to be. I'm healthy, I'm getting to be of a certain age, I am fit-ish, and I can get around on my own, with a little help from my rump from time to time.
Being a Round shape means several things to me: that I'm my mother's daughter, with half of her genes contributing to my roundness, and I'm getting older in a very predictable way.My yoga teacher gave me an article from Yoga Journal in which a student meditated upon their own appearance, in order to embrace and love it. It sounds insincere for me to say that I could do something like this right now - I certainly can't - and yet I can see that it's going to be what really helps me conquer anxiety.
My baby steps in getting to approval of myself have been to stop reminding myself that I used to be a different shape. I do this by removing the clothes that no longer fit me. Another step is that I take good care of my skin. It may be of a larger surface area than I want, but I keep it clean, soft, and protected. There are those toesies of mine. I have to believe that there aren't people who look at me and think, "say, didn't she used to be prettier?". In fact, I know that people generally don't notice much at all about my appearance, or anyone else's, for that matter.
How do we get to that acceptance of ourselves? How do we stop judging ourselves? Again, just noticing that we do hold these judgements against ourselves can allow us to see how absurd they are. So we think we aren't Good Enough? Well, what are the consequences of that? What will that prevent us from being able to do?
> I think it's time for me to end this post. I'm crying again, and I'm just tired of doing that right now.I'm sorry you're crying, Racer. And I think that by using your rump to go down a precarious hill, you were showing uncommon good sense and self preservation. I kept flashing on me tumbling down and skinning a knee, or turning an ankle, or falling into a puddle, or all of those. I think I've done all of those... so how about you were Smart Enough instead of Good Enough?
CS
Posted by llrrrpp on September 2, 2006, at 22:01:29
In reply to Re: Approval, and anxiety, and being Good Enough » Racer, posted by ClearSkies on September 2, 2006, at 21:26:46
Racer wrote:
>So, only 100% will be Good Enough, because nothing else is safe. Anything else, the approval line may move, and it may not be Good Enough.Oh Racer,
this is so hard. I think you are so brave for doing the things you do- going to math classes, because you want to be a better person, and because you value your education. Learning to ignore the obnoxious twerp who says something so rude and inappropriate in lecture. Sure, you heard him, but you're still in the class, right? It's hard to figure out whose approval is worth fighting for. In this case, you know your prof's opinion of you, and even though the twerp's words are irritating and hurtful, you don't try to seek his approval.Of course every little girl want their mother's approval. I still want it. My mom was not as capricious as your mom, though. That sounds incredibly difficult, Racer, and I just wanted to say that it's not your fault that you had to try so hard, and feel so little approval. It's not your fault that that little girl is still with you today.
As for your relatives, I don't care what they think of you. They sound unpleasant, harsh and critical. They slap a label on you, and treat you as if you are performing some role. It's almost inevitable that you reacted on some level by halfheartedly playing that role, at least while you were interacting with them (self-fulfilling prophecy: they treat you like an idiot, and they only way they pay attn to you is when you're acting somewhat idiotic, for example).
Fortunately, they sound fairly distant at this point. Distant in your heart anyways. So put their idea of what Racer should be like aside for the moment. I don't know if it would help you to hear this, but I have no stereotype of who Racer is- I don't see you as fitting into some category. Whenever I'm feeling that I have you "figured out" I find out that you are an accomplished seamstress, textile artist, that you know the anatomy of horse limbs, that you are brave enough to sign up for more classes even when the tests are so stressful for you.
And this latest thing about using your rump as Mother Nature intended it- well, that's pretty darn sensible, in my opinion. Bipedalism can only get us so far...
100% what? Howabout 100% Racer? Sounds pretty darned good to me. If I wanted to hang out with your relatives, I would have invited them to the babble self-esteem board, huh?
-ll
my babystep today is being brave enough to talk to 4 people with confidence- the first woman sitting next to me on the bus that broke down. The second woman sitting next to me on the bus that rescued us (took only 40 minutes to travel 2 miles... geez, I should have ridden my bicycle, or walked...). A professor I taught with 3 years ago (and I took her seminar 4 years ago)- saw her on the street, had a pleasant conversation. She obviously couldn't remember my name. ----my babystep is that I don't give a sh*t if that prof remembers my name. She didn't seem especially friendly on the street either. the ladies on the bus were MUCH warmer, friendlier, and happier to talk with me---- And a funny young couple sitting on the bench next to me as I ate my ice cream in the park this evening. I dared to enter their conversation because they were talking about their neighbor's cat misbehaving at 6am. I was laughing so hard (in my head) and I decided-- what the hell-- I'm going to enter their conversation. I don't care what they think of me. And it was nice. They made me lol.
That's 2 babysteps, hmm. Well, makes up for a couple of slips on Wednesday/Thursday, I guess.
-ll
and I just signed my post twice. But I'm feeling gutsy. I'm gonna leave it be. OUCH!!! this hurts so bad. I want my writing to fit some convention. OMG. I want to edit it soooooo bad!!!! nooo! Avoid the [Revise you post] box. Avoid Avoid!!!
Posted by Phillipa on September 2, 2006, at 22:32:19
In reply to Re: Approval, and anxiety, and being Good Enough, posted by llrrrpp on September 2, 2006, at 22:01:29
Well today I told off the guy where Greg is painting the graphics and told him my Daughter and I would buy him his own shop. Now that his business is so good. He needs to double his price. When He said to me You're a Yankee. I said and if it wasn't for us the South wouldn't have money. I won. He's getting a shop and the guy knows his prices is going up. I guess I still have some Yankee in me. But I graduated with one B and the rest A's . Best thing I ever did. As they don't look at your grades when you graduate only the Degree. Love Phillipa
Posted by Racer on September 2, 2006, at 22:47:23
In reply to Re: Approval, and anxiety, and being Good Enough » Racer, posted by ClearSkies on September 2, 2006, at 21:26:46
> >
> I think that by using your rump to go down a precarious hill, you were showing uncommon good sense and self preservation. I kept flashing on me tumbling down and skinning a knee, or turning an ankle, or falling into a puddle, or all of those.
>
> CS
>
>CS, I'm nowhere near ready to say that I was anything other than completely incompetent to do that, but I feel a lot of warmth and affection -- which I very much appreciate -- that you would tell me you worried about it, too. I'm glad it was both of us, and not just me.
And how crazy is it that it STILL bothers me???
Thank you. I'm lucky to know you. And very fortunate to have had the priviledge and pleasure of spending time with you in person. In beautiful person, whatever shape you are. In beautiful person with your beautiful face. And it is a beautiful face, always.
Posted by llrrrpp on September 2, 2006, at 22:49:11
In reply to Re: Approval, and anxiety, and being Good Enough, posted by Phillipa on September 2, 2006, at 22:32:19
Yankees... So foreign to me, yet- I think we're going to get along just fine. As long as they don't mind me saying y'all every once in a while ;o)
Phillipa, you are absolutely right about the grades not being important. This is the one thing that has kept me sane in grad school. I don't need to get an A in statistics. What I need to do is get a B, and do a bunch of better things with my time, like research, teaching, playing violin, sucking up to my professors, finding more fellowships, publishing, writing, publishing, writing, publishing, writing, publishing.
I heard of one very respected scientist in my field who sends pretty sloppy papers to be peer-reviewed for publication. If the reviewers like the experiment, they will suggest ways to revise the writing. If they don't like the experiment, no amount of perfect writing will save the study...
-ll
Posted by sleepygirl on September 3, 2006, at 0:25:14
In reply to Approval, and anxiety, and being Good Enough, posted by Racer on September 2, 2006, at 20:43:06
> That would tell me, as an intellectually aware adult, that approval was nothing I had any influence on. It depended solely on my mother's state at the moment, on whether she was feeling hostile towards me, or had some positive energy she was willing to spend on me. Whether I got 100% or 90% wouldn't have mattered to her reaction. In fact, I could probably have gotten 69% or even 40% and still gotten approval if she was in that mood.
So if it were 100% you could know it wasn't about what *you* got...meaning if she didn't give approval it wasn't at least because you didn't do well enough....
even if what you got as a grade didn't figure into the equation at all, looking for correlations in an unpredictable world is understandable-every child needs sense in chaos no?hmmmm...I just read that post you referred to and what you wrote, and a lot of it made good sense to me.
as I relate to it (and I think I do) I can say that I have a horrible fear of being "wrong"- really awful really
the thing is I think that it has to do with so much unpredictability and searching for the "right" way to do something....like the world and everyone in it is rushing around me and away from me and I can't grab on because I just don't speak the languagemaybe 100% is the *absolute* mark the only point at which you can be *sure* that it is not 5 points off which would leave you wondering....well about anything else if you could just keep your attention on the grade?
..random sleepy thoughts
I feel so freakin' inadequate all the time Racer and I know it really sucks- I wish contentment for you :-)
Posted by Dinah on September 3, 2006, at 0:55:55
In reply to Approval, and anxiety, and being Good Enough, posted by Racer on September 2, 2006, at 20:43:06
I think if we try to work our way into being Good Enough, we're doomed to failure. To broadly paraphrase Touched By An Angel, some people's best efforts might be mighty towers, while others might only manage a few rickety steps. But however much we might try to achieve by our own efforts, we are often doomed to fall short. Whatever we might succeed in achieving in whatever is important to us, most humans are bound to wish to achieve even more. If we've made it this far, surely we can reach a bit higher. And if we tie our self worth solely to achievement, that makes it even more impossible.
In religion, there's the concept of grace, called by different names in different religions. I can't believe there isn't a secular version of grace, although I'm really terrible at synonyms. I did an internet search, and the most secular equivilant I could easily reach was lovingkindness.
The basic idea being that maybe you can't, maybe none of us can, be Good Enough by our own efforts. But that the good news is that we don't have to earn being Good Enough. Being Good Enough is a gift we give ourselves through acceptance and love, or a gift we give others and others give us through acceptance and love. Not a gift that's earned, entirely, because it can't be.
Goodness knows that people who have tried to earn it from those unwilling to give it have to realize that it can't be earned.
And those who have gotten it when they know they did nothing to deserve it realize that it can't be earned.
Well, not past a certain extent anyway. I'm not a huge believer in totally unconditional love.
So maybe part of the answer is to realize that being Good Enough isn't a goal to achieve through perfection, but rather through opening your heart to be loving and accepting and giving to yourself. Perhaps a lovingkindness meditation starting with yourself as recipient.
Or maybe I'm all wet, because it really is hard for me to separate my ideas on the subject from the concept of Grace. A gift that by definition doesn't have to be earned.
Or to put it in canine terms. One of my dogs seizures, and isn't too bright. Is he Good Enough for me to love him? Of course he is! But he wasn't Good Enough for his previous owner. He hasn't changed. The one in a position to offer acceptance and approval has changed.
Posted by Phillipa on September 3, 2006, at 19:16:04
In reply to Re: Approval, and anxiety, and being Good Enough, posted by Dinah on September 3, 2006, at 0:55:55
Oh how I can relate to that Dinah. Love Phillipa
Posted by Poet on September 4, 2006, at 0:26:14
In reply to Approval, and anxiety, and being Good Enough, posted by Racer on September 2, 2006, at 20:43:06
Hi Racer,
My sun is in Virgo. My moon is in Virgo. If my rising sign was also in Virgo I'd drive myself compeltely crazy trying to be perfect.
So I guess I only drive myself 2/3 crazy. Don't quote me on that fraction, as you know, I flunked math. There goes my perfection award.
A baby step counts. Since you're good in math I know you'll keep a proper count of those baby steps.
Poet
This is the end of the thread.
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