Posted by Racer on September 2, 2006, at 20:43:06
As many of you already know, I have this thing about being perfect. For instance, it was hard for me to go down that little spot on my rump, ClearSkies, because that proves I'm Not Perfect. And somehow, for me, Not Perfect is all tied up in Not Good Enough.
If I were Good Enough, you know, I could have climbed down that section on my feet. I wouldn't have had to get on my rump to do it.
(Of course, if I were Good Enough, I wouldn't be this heavy, either, but that's another board...)
Lately, I've been more aware of how much of this is anxiety disorder. For instance, I had a couple of pretty bad days this past week, crying a lot, rough therapy sessions, etc. After the first rough therapy session, which was followed by a rough marriage counseling session, I realized the next day that I was at least 20 pounds heavier than I had been. Well, the number on the scale probably hadn't changed, certainly hadn't changed more than two pounds, so the 20 pounds gained overnight had to be an anxiety related distortion, right? And my Baby Step for the week was to recognize that.
Doesn't mean I actually accept it. BABY steps, you know?
And a few things happened the past few weeks that also are having an impact on me:
On the second midterm for my math class this summer, I "failed" it. I was ready to cry, to drop the class, etc. Someone finally pointed out, "Hey -- that's still an A..." I honestly hadn't even recognized that. It was under 95%, so it was failing. There's something wrong there, right?
Same math class, one of the other students said to the lecturer, "Yeah, she thinks she failed if she doesn't get 100%." It's not literally true -- but I don't think it's Good Enough if it's not 100%. There's something wrong there, too.
When I finally got my grade for that class, my husband said he kinda wished I had gotten a B -- "so that you'd see that people would still love you." I nearly broke down over that -- it was so frightening. And I don't know why.
What I think, though, as much as I think anything, is that it has to do with approval. With the same sorts of things that Jost and llrrrp were discussing on Psych here: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/682177.html
Maybe. This is so fuzzled in my brain, but I think there's something involved about wanting that approval, but no knowing where the boundaries are -- because they kept moving so much. So, only 100% will be Good Enough, because nothing else is safe. Anything else, the approval line may move, and it may not be Good Enough.
That would tell me, as an intellectually aware adult, that approval was nothing I had any influence on. It depended solely on my mother's state at the moment, on whether she was feeling hostile towards me, or had some positive energy she was willing to spend on me. Whether I got 100% or 90% wouldn't have mattered to her reaction. In fact, I could probably have gotten 69% or even 40% and still gotten approval if she was in that mood.
But I'm still so caught up in that.
Oh, wow -- got a whiff of other family members, who consider me some sort of half-wit, unable to function, half a lurching step from An Institution, etc. I bet some of them think my husband has to tie my shoes. (Or that that's why I still wear Bass Weejuns, but that's a different story, right?) Getting 100% won't make any difference to them, it would only lead to some sort of "it's so tragic, she has a 4.0 GPA, but still can't function in the world... Think of what she could have done if she wasn't lazy/crazy/whatever."
If it's no use at all, why do I still try? Why am I so caught up in it? Why does it eat me alive?
I think it's time for me to end this post. I'm crying again, and I'm just tired of doing that right now.
poster:Racer
thread:682455
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20060827/msgs/682455.html