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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 10, 2006, at 17:33:13
i came here to follow no one
believe what you wish
i disappear as quickly as i came
disgusted and sickened
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 10, 2006, at 22:50:15
In reply to very clever, posted by rainbutterfly on September 10, 2006, at 17:33:13
> i came here to follow no one
> believe what you wish
> i disappear as quickly as i came
> disgusted and sickenedI hope this is just a poem.
please do not disappear.
I value your poem.
Jai
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 11, 2006, at 0:31:27
In reply to Re: very clever, posted by Jai Narayan on September 10, 2006, at 22:50:15
Thanks Jai..... I did check with a "professional" on a certain issue but it still appears that I got it "wrong", so I guess the "professional" was wrong as well. heh.
biased filter like all the rest, that's me! But I have not completely given up looking for rainbows, some day :o(
butterfly
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 11, 2006, at 3:36:38
In reply to Re: very clever, posted by rainbutterfly on September 11, 2006, at 0:31:27
and I wrote a very long
very nasty
not very subtle
very eloquent post
all my own work... how about that!
and didn't post it.
saved it and will flush it down somewhere
STINKS having to watch every single freakin word posted... is that really what "healing" is about? Oh, I forgot. I am "beyond help".
Heh. I am going to beat this thing if it takes until I am 80 years old.
a very angry and beyond disgusted
flying insect
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 11, 2006, at 3:44:35
In reply to Re: very clever TRIGGER, posted by rainbutterfly on September 11, 2006, at 3:36:38
Bomb received and deflected. Not very subtle, eh?
Any sender of bombs? Do NOT post to me.
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 12, 2006, at 0:03:44
In reply to very clever, posted by rainbutterfly on September 10, 2006, at 17:33:13
angry
baby crying in the dark
suffocating in pillows, wrappings too tight
why does the mother hate her?
why is she always bad?
She tries everything.... the mother still hates and rejects her
So it must be her fault
baby stops crying
falling into despair
baby dies insideyoung butterfly sees a therapist
he seems kind
the butterfly starts to open up
but it's so hard to trust
days between sessions drag on endlessly
she has to hide her tears
therapist then becomes angry
he confuses anger with meanness
so mistrust wins
the butterfly dies inside
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 12, 2006, at 1:32:17
In reply to Re: not clever TRIGGER, posted by rainbutterfly on September 12, 2006, at 0:03:44
It's so very chilling, freaky and scary being accused of doing nasty weird things that I would not do in my worst nightmares
ugh
ugh
ugh
to freaking infinity
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 12, 2006, at 2:36:19
In reply to Re: not clever TRIGGER » rainbutterfly, posted by rainbutterfly on September 12, 2006, at 1:32:17
what a wonderful expression yeah they can't even see the fallacy in it
Posted by ClearSkies on September 12, 2006, at 4:57:42
In reply to Re: not clever TRIGGER » rainbutterfly, posted by rainbutterfly on September 12, 2006, at 2:36:19
Hi there, Rainbutterfly. I want to give you a headsup on a 3-post rule that Babble has:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#three
I don't want you to mistakenly get knocked for not being aware of any of the guidelines here.
ClearSkies
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 12, 2006, at 13:52:12
In reply to Re: not clever TRIGGER » rainbutterfly, posted by ClearSkies on September 12, 2006, at 4:57:42
Thanks ClearSkies
UGH Daddy Long Legs in here
grr butterfly
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 12, 2006, at 21:28:42
In reply to Re: not clever TRIGGER, posted by rainbutterfly on September 12, 2006, at 0:03:44
> angry
> baby crying in the dark
> suffocating in pillows, wrappings too tight
> why does the mother hate her?
> why is she always bad?
> She tries everything.... the mother still hates and rejects her
> So it must be her fault
> baby stops crying
> falling into despair
> baby dies inside
>
> young butterfly sees a therapist
> he seems kind
> the butterfly starts to open up
> but it's so hard to trust
> days between sessions drag on endlessly
> she has to hide her tears
> therapist then becomes angry
> he confuses anger with meanness
> so mistrust wins
> the butterfly dies inside
>I know that story, I've lived it. Wow, pain of mom is so universal.
your poem is very very cool
you are a good writer.
Jai
Posted by rainbutterfly on September 16, 2006, at 18:54:54
In reply to Re: not clever TRIGGER, posted by Jai Narayan on September 12, 2006, at 21:28:42
Thanks Jai. I don't think so, thanks anyway though! At least I managed to express myself, so that was cool I guess.
Take care,
Butterfly
Posted by Jai Narayan on September 19, 2006, at 23:10:46
In reply to Re: not clever TRIGGER » Jai Narayan, posted by rainbutterfly on September 16, 2006, at 18:54:54
okay, I will just say I really liked the way you expressed yourself.
It was powerful.
Jai
Posted by rainbutterfly on October 13, 2006, at 14:19:35
In reply to Re: not clever TRIGGER, posted by Jai Narayan on September 19, 2006, at 23:10:46
I've been processing a lot of hard stuff from the past...... dreams every night about childhood abuse etc....maybe I am ready to face it now.
Posted by rainbutterfly on October 14, 2006, at 2:14:40
In reply to Re: ..., posted by rainbutterfly on October 13, 2006, at 14:19:35
I just looked up "conjecture" on google and found I spelt it incorrectly. Perhaps this will serve as "proof" for some, if proof is needed, that I did not "copy" that word from ANYONE. SIGH>>>>>>
I have been up all night, so the meds are not working as they should........................yet.
With sincere thanks for the "safety" of this forum to allow me to express certain feelings and opinions....anger, hurt and fear are amongst those feelings. As my childhood was characterised by deceit and extreme emotional repression, amongst other things, such comparative freedom to express some of my thoughts, feelings, etc. is very welcome.
Posted by rainbutterfly on October 15, 2006, at 11:19:49
In reply to Re: ...heh » rainbutterfly, posted by rainbutterfly on October 14, 2006, at 2:14:40
I've been talking nearly every day to a couple of good friends for a year now... and sometimes I suggest they see a T. I believe it would help them... and even that they "need" to.
But, no action yet. Does that make them "weak"? No I do not believe so. Why blame the person/victim/potential survivor. Could it be the system over here?? At least in part :(Maybe,
just maybe.
I do not give up on my friends easily. I don't use people. Does that make me strong? I think so.
Posted by zenhussy on October 16, 2006, at 13:05:24
In reply to Re: ...ugh, posted by rainbutterfly on October 15, 2006, at 11:19:49
Posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 13:52:25
In reply to ugh times ten! shared sentiment of ugh here (nm) » rainbutterfly, posted by zenhussy on October 16, 2006, at 13:05:24
Thanks for trying.
I agree with your above sentiments. Multiply those by infinity and you will be approaching something like what I am feeling.
You have harped on constantly re. respect, courtesy, even emotional rape. Ouch. You followed me around elsewhere and attempted to trigger me. My perceptions are not ALWAYS completely accurate. Neither are yours.
You have failed, since way before June 05, to show me the respect I deserve. Respect works both ways. I know you are extremely intelligent. I wish we did not have to fight. I know you want to win every fight, and maybe you do win every fight. But I do NOT want to fight with you. Please leave me alone.
If you do not respect my request, I will do what I need to do. I will do that anyway, as you do.
I am taking an enforced (by me) break from any public posting on the internet for one week. You can breathe a sigh of relief and whatever else you want to do :(
So will I. Because I need a break from this sh*t. And it is not only my sh*t. It is your sh*t too. And your violation of my boundaries too.
rainbutterfly
Posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 14:37:30
In reply to ugh times ten! shared sentiment of ugh here (nm) » rainbutterfly, posted by zenhussy on October 16, 2006, at 13:05:24
One other thing. In my perception, one of the main reasons I got in such a mess/muddle with you was because I tried my absolute hardest to respect your request (in spring 05) to never talk about you to anyone. And you seemed to discourage something I attempted to discuss with you. Something I had not done, but which you would not clarify. I probably was not strong enough to ask you again. And to withdraw or maybe end contact if you refused.
I do not think I ever talked about you to anyone before that.... or during any of the time we were in contact... so I do not think your concerns (paranoia??) came from anything I had done. After we stopped being in contact I was also scared to discuss any of my hurt with anyone. I felt I was ... nuts or very bad.
When I became confused by some of your actions/words/the dynamic in the contact (between) us...... I bottled up my feelings instead of discussing them either with you, or with a close, impartial, respected friend, which I now know would have been the healthier, by far, thing to do.
That was a big mistake I made. Had I not made that mistake, I very much doubt that any of the mess that occured later would have happened/.
I do remember a lot of details of past interactions that have triggered me. And not just with you :( :( :( :( That is not a good thing for me. I wish I could forget :(I can see why some of my words now trigger/anger/??? you. Mostly because of the past. Your past. Not because of who I am as a person. I doubt that you would want to read anything I write, so I am confused as to why you do. You can believe what you wish about my motives for being here. My motives for posting anywhere. I doubt that I will be able to change any of your perceptions.
I am grateful for this space to express more "stuff" than I knew I had bottled up inside.
Yes, ugh indeed. For me too. I don't like my stuff (either)
I really dislike writing all this in public. I don't want to make either one of us look bad. Writing this anywhere is very painful for me.
I hope we won't need to communicate again. But if we do, I will try to respect you. I would appreciate it if you do the same towards me.
I wish I could change some of the things that happened in the past. For all victims and for all survivors. I wish I could change some of the things I have said.... to my mother, my therapist, and many other people. But all I can change is how I react after I have typed the last word in this message. As I have already decided to post it. Ugh ugh ugh at me. I hate my sh*t. But I try not to hate me. It doesn't help.
(now to keep to my enforced break. I intend to keep to it but won't beat myself up too much if I dont. I have beaten myself far too much for too long, and it certainly hasn't helped me.)
Posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 17:42:13
In reply to ugh times ten! shared sentiment of ugh here (nm) » rainbutterfly, posted by zenhussy on October 16, 2006, at 13:05:24
Ugh at that post you made saying ugh x 10.
And ugh at my admittedly lame excuse of blaming the system. Although the UK health service (around here anyway) is in a terrible state, that is not the only reason why I am not currently seeing a full time T.
Part of the reason is that I sitll do not feel I deserve it. I don't want to hurt my DH. The experience I had before with professional help hurt him as well as me. I care for him too much to risk putting him through that again. This is why I haven't seen a T.... why I intend to/ntended to but haven't yet got the £££££££ and ??????? necessary to do so.
Already broken my block.
?? had even more to say. :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
I am sure I will regret all my posts. But I am trying to be less avoidant online.
IRL I am trying too to be less avoidant.
Do I risk a formal block now for not being civil? Shrugs.
Posted by gardenergirl on October 16, 2006, at 23:12:28
In reply to Re: AGREED zenhussy. TRIGGER » zenhussy, posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 13:52:25
> You followed me around elsewhere and attempted to trigger me.
> You have failed, since way before June 05, to show me the respect I deserve.Please don't post anything that could lead others to feel accused. You've been asked to be civil, so now I am blocking you from posting for a week.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civilFollow-ups regarding these issues should be directed to the Admin board and should of course be civil. Dr. Bob has oversight over deputy decisions. Thus, you can always appeal this decision to him, and he may choose a different action.
Regards,
deputy gg
This is the end of the thread.
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