Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 28. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Toph on September 14, 2018, at 10:07:38
It feels awkward posting if I rarely visit but what the hell? The last time I had a major manic episode was I don't know seven years ago when my mother died. During the vigil in the hospital I wasn't vigilant with medication and I paid for it. Now my wife is worried because I just returned from North Carolina where my brother had a stage 4 glio blastoma removed. It felt good to just be there with him.
I seem to be rotting away in retirement. Drinking way too much. Having trouble bonding with the new dog. My wife is always complaining about stuff that I should be doing. Those youthful days of energy, ambition and passion seem depleted and irretrievably lost. My sister-in law is in a panic about losing her husband. Doesn't feel like I have the right to feel like I do but I do.
Posted by Clearskies on September 14, 2018, at 10:57:46
In reply to Sh!t happens, posted by Toph on September 14, 2018, at 10:07:38
Hello, Toph. Thats very heavy. Im glad you could visit with your brother. From here it sounds like youre processing your experience appropriately, if you ask me.
Hugs to you.
CS
Posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2018, at 20:05:28
In reply to Sh!t happens, posted by Toph on September 14, 2018, at 10:07:38
I hear a lot of people don't take well to retirement. Especially when they got a sense of doing something meaningful in their work. You were a social worker - yeah? Pretty sure I remember you saying. Saying something about how it was good to be able to help, sometimes. Yeah.
Maybe the dog is your wife's dog. Did she bring it home for you? Maybe you need to bring home your own dog. One you met that... Bonds with you.
> My wife is always complaining about stuff that I should be doing.
I hear that is what an 18 hole round of golf, is for.
Or hunting. Because that will require a hunting dog, I guess. Something... Uh... Legit. Not all fu fu. Or whatever.Or fishing.
She might be trying to encourage you to... Take an interest in something. The nagging, I mean. Only... It's gotta come from you... I don't know what.
> Those youthful days of energy, ambition and passion seem depleted and irretrievably lost. My sister-in law is in a panic about losing her husband. Doesn't feel like I have the right to feel like I do but I do.
You feel the way you do. It can be hard to figure out what about the feeling is... Right... Though...
I read some stuff a while back and it was on emotions as a communicative device. The idea was that you communicate with others by displaying certain emotions. So, for example, if you display rage at an injustice then people will be less likely to mess with you (because your rage will incline you to harm them even at potential cost to yourself)... So... There could be a `reason' or a `rational rightness' behind a convincing display of an... Apparently `irrational' emotion.
And this sort of Machiavelli intent... This ideal of having precise control over what you `choose' to display / enact / act...
Disturbed me. To be honest.
I think... Emotions are more communicative... With respect to yourself. If that makes sense. You feeling a certain way is your bodies trying to tell you something about what it is that it needs. Sometimes the feeling is that something isn't quite right... Something... Needs to be differnet. But we don't know what. Hard to put a finger on it... What it is... What needs to be...
Sometimes I think it is a kind of... Repression. Or something. Because of the times in our life when we knew what it was or we had an inkling of what it was... And other people went `pooh pooh rubbish rubbish' maybe because it conflicted with what they wanted or needed or...
So I tend to think that there may be reason... Somewhere... That the feeling is... Leading you to search... For something... Something to give your life some meaning... Purpose... Direction... Something...
How about charity work? Do you have any former contacts of people you enjoyed working with, or something like that?
I honestly don't know.
But I think grieving is complicated. They say there are, like, 7 stages to it, or something. And it's a bit like Sims4 with too many moodbuffs and you flip between them unpredictably for a time... Denial and rage and despair and loss and... I don't remember.
I get that for most people grief is a... Public thing. A public process. Only, it's not, really. I mean... It is typical that the person most affected by it withdraws, really, and needs to work through things in their own pace at their own time in their own process. It's though further removed... Slighly further removed from that who it's more about the... Community. Communal aspect of the ritual and so on.
I don't know.
I was thinking about grieving and the loss of my Father a lot, yesterday. Brings up a lot for me doing philosophy again.
Posted by Lamdage22 on September 15, 2018, at 6:29:10
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens » Toph, posted by alexandra_k on September 14, 2018, at 20:05:28
Hormone replacement therapy?
Posted by baseball55 on September 15, 2018, at 19:27:02
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by Lamdage22 on September 15, 2018, at 6:29:10
Energy and ambition do fade as we get older. And retirement makes it worse, since there's no motivation to get up and do things. But passion needn't go away. Could you do some kind of volunteer work? Do you have some craft you like to do? We all need to do things that validate us and make us feel useful.
Personally, I am in my early sixties and have no intention of retiring until I am physically or mentally unable to do my job. Retirement would bore me to tears and kill my self-esteem.
My ex-husband was forced to retire last year at 65 and he is now bored and at loose ends and looking for some kind of paid or unpaid volunteer work. He's very handy and is thinking of a part-time job at Home Depot. He's very sociable and the amount of time spent alone is driving him crazy.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 17, 2018, at 4:27:04
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by baseball55 on September 15, 2018, at 19:27:02
I remember this lecture I went to about mens health. It was about enlarged prostate glands, and prostate cancer, mostly. About how prostate cancer is a slow one, usually, and typically guys with it will die of something else first. But the treatment for shrinking the prostate to prevent the development into cancer made guys feel like they lost their mojo and a lot of them didn't want to take the medications...
Generally... The tone of the lecture was about how it is hard to get older guys to care about their health... Unless... It's for the love of a good woman. Or similar. Some wives or daughters, particularly, are good at coaxing their guys into taking care of themselves. Lovely skill that. Wish I had it.
It was something about how guys like to feel useful. And working helps them feel useful. Like they have purpose and the world is better for having them in it. Without that things feel sort of pointless.
I don't know. I've had guys in my life who I cared for a great deal but I didn't want to be more than friends with them partly because they were on a self-destructive path. Like my Father was. And I didn't make them feel like they wanted to be better people. But I wanted to be a better person myself... And... Well, I don't know that I wanted to be a better person for them because it seemed to me like they were more invested in my remaining... A sick and weak person. Honestly.
Did you use to have hard days at work where you dreamed of your retirement? Did you have some kind of a picture like that that you used to use to console yourself with or help youself along? What was that like? I find it easiest to remember things when I'm drifing in and / or out of sleep - but I don't know if that's different when you have another person in the bed.
The things that used to be sources of enthusiasm for you. And life.
On the other hand... Maybe you are grieving, for now. And this too shall pass...
Posted by Toph on September 17, 2018, at 12:26:54
In reply to Sh!t happens, posted by Toph on September 14, 2018, at 10:07:38
I appreciate the concern and suggestions offered. Part of the problem is my wife is 9 years younger and still working. Justifiably she resents coming home and finding even a single unclean dish in the sink and me lying on the couch. We were both supposed to retire together and share life as we do with each other on weekends now. Healthcare is the main reason we cannot afford to do that yet.
Frankly, my short term memory loss, though not apparently dementia, has caused me to lose a lot of self-confidence in obtaining a paying substitute to the Adult Protective Services work of my career. I do miss walking into peoples homes and endeavoring to improve their independence and safety. I'm afraid short of PTSD I seriously burned out after 35 years of this.
So as many have suggested, I have been tutoring disadvantaged first and second graders in reading in a impoverished community north of Chicago the past 3 years. I am a guardian of a brain injured man who appears to have more of a zest for life than I do. I also joined the Chicago hospice organization called JourneyCare and visit a 95-year old demented woman who is still an artist despite not being able to remember me from week to week.
I think that the reason this volunteer stuff doesn't fill the void is mainly the reason I burned out in the first place. The challenge and reward of social work comes from the stress of responsibility - striving to join the client in fostering trust, empowerment and encouraging independence, among other goals, while as their worker being responsible for their safety.
I won't get pissed if you accuse me of being a whining ingrate. I just thought I should be honest about myself while sharing that I am a little afraid of my mental stability as I deal with the inevitability of losing my older brother whom I love.
Posted by sigismund on September 18, 2018, at 1:17:29
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by Toph on September 17, 2018, at 12:26:54
Lying on the couch? Drinking way too much?
Well, I never had any problems with drinking until it started to have problems with me. I didn't necessarily drink more, only just enough, and already it was too much. Not like those hangovers I got when young, not at all.
I only realised why they call it the fountain of youth. Not because it is some hidden fountain, but because youth is like a fountain, whether or not we could enjoy it or take advantage of it.
This is called "if there is something', which reminds me of 'Here and there does not matter', which brings to mind
"From washing bowl (as a baby)
To washing bowl (as a corpse)
(Life is just) So much rigmarole".So I guess it reads
From washing bowl to washing bowl
So much rigmaroleNostalgia has been the dominant mode most of my life. Even then it was.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 18, 2018, at 8:11:43
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by Toph on September 17, 2018, at 12:26:54
> I won't get pissed if you accuse me of being a whining ingrate.
I don't hear whining. I hear sadness. You wife isn't as close as you'd like her to be, either.
It is beautiful that you care. But hard, because of the pain of loss. (((Toph)))
Posted by alexandra_k on September 18, 2018, at 8:28:38
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by alexandra_k on September 18, 2018, at 8:11:43
The managing stress / responsibility thing is hard. I thrive best under a certain kind of pressure, too. Maybe we all do. I think I'm grieving a little now that I've handed this thing in because I'm not working on it anymore (right now) and my day feels empty. I just want to sleep the day away.
But last week when I was still working on it the only thing that kept me going was my list of all the things I was going to do when I didn't have to do that anymore. But those things seem unappealing now. Things felt fuller before. But I don't want to work on it anymore.
I don't know. I can sit with you in your grief if you want. Or bugger off and feel it by myself, if you prefer.
Posted by Toph on September 18, 2018, at 15:02:31
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by alexandra_k on September 18, 2018, at 8:28:38
> I don't know. I can sit with you in your grief if you want. Or bugger off and feel it by myself, if you prefer.
>
>It is comforting to see that this remains a community of intelligent and supporting discourse as it was years ago. For whatever reason I am reluctant to plunge back in here right now, though it is nice to speak with you Alex and CS as well those with whom I am less familiar. Thanks for the nice comments.
Lithium has allowed me to live a relatively stable and productive life. I'm counting on it keeping me on the rails throughout the upcoming challenge.
Posted by baseball55 on September 18, 2018, at 18:28:01
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by Toph on September 17, 2018, at 12:26:54
I don't see you as a whining ingrate at all! 35 years of doing that kind of service work must have been rewarding, but draining. And doing more of that kind of work as a volunteer I can imagine is draining also. Maybe you need to do something entirely selfish. something only for you and your benefit. I don't know what - depends on your interests. Exercise, art, bridge club, some adult excursion group?
I'm sorry about your memory and I hope it stabilizes. I have a friend who complains about her memory all the time and, while I have seen some small lapses over the last few years, I am really convinced that retiring and not really doing anything with her time has made her deteriorate and become hyper-vigilant about every little ache, pain, or memory lapse.
I understand your need to retire. I hope you can find something to do that is fun or interesting and doesn't just worsen your sense of compassion fatigue.
Posted by baseball55 on September 18, 2018, at 18:31:07
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by Toph on September 17, 2018, at 12:26:54
Am also so sorry about your brother.
Posted by SLS on September 19, 2018, at 8:21:34
In reply to Sh!t happens, posted by Toph on September 14, 2018, at 10:07:38
Hi, Toph.
- Scott
Posted by Toph on September 19, 2018, at 9:48:43
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens » Toph, posted by SLS on September 19, 2018, at 8:21:34
Hey Scott. Just curious, what is Bob's involvement with PB these days? Is this the member-managed site he envisioned?
Posted by alexandra_k on September 19, 2018, at 22:52:01
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by Toph on September 18, 2018, at 15:02:31
> It is comforting...
good.
> For whatever reason I am reluctant to plunge back in here
Fair enough. It used to be... Tumultuous. An emotional rollercoaster was had, by all, I think. City living, and all that.
Things are much quieter, here, now.
I think the number of posters / number of posts has a fairly solid relationship with the number of posts made by Bob. I know others will disagree, but it seems to me, from what I remember, that when he posted here more, people posted here more. Even if he was posting to admin and they were posting to a different board. I think that that was true a bit for Dinah, too, that her posts had a major influence on how many other posters were attracted. Maybe Chemist for Meds... Other posters, too... There aren't many posters these days. Probably because I spam the boards and scare them away. Joke. Sorta.
Posted by Clearskies on September 19, 2018, at 23:14:43
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens » Toph, posted by alexandra_k on September 19, 2018, at 22:52:01
> > It is comforting...
>
> good.
>
> > For whatever reason I am reluctant to plunge back in here
>
> Fair enough. It used to be... Tumultuous. An emotional rollercoaster was had, by all, I think. City living, and all that.
>
> Things are much quieter, here, now.
>
> I think the number of posters / number of posts has a fairly solid relationship with the number of posts made by Bob. I know others will disagree, but it seems to me, from what I remember, that when he posted here more, people posted here more. Even if he was posting to admin and they were posting to a different board. I think that that was true a bit for Dinah, too, that her posts had a major influence on how many other posters were attracted. Maybe Chemist for Meds... Other posters, too... There aren't many posters these days. Probably because I spam the boards and scare them away. Joke. Sorta.
>
>
>Your posts are not spam as far as I can discern.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 19, 2018, at 23:26:36
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens » alexandra_k, posted by Clearskies on September 19, 2018, at 23:14:43
thanks pc. i guess that maybe you wouldn't still be here, if you felt that way, though. 3 post rule -- for a reason. and all that. to... allow... others who are more... hesitant. for whatever reason.
i wonder if it has to do a bit with self-identification.
i know some people do go to aa or na pretty much forever. and they say they continue to get something out of going. but other people say they kind of get to a point with it (after years of meetings) where going to the meetings is getting them reminiscing on past stuff in a way that isn't helping them stay clean and sober, but is actually preventing them from moving on with their now thoroughly clean and sober lives.
i mean... toph knows that what he's going through now is grief and not an episode. he's... open minded enough to maybe come here and post about it... no denial seems to be going on. check... nobody is saying 'whoooooa dude!!!' or anything like that...
though maybe people would start if i would shut my yap and give them a chance to have their own opinion. joke. sorta.
Posted by sigismund on September 20, 2018, at 19:39:34
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens » Toph, posted by alexandra_k on September 19, 2018, at 22:52:01
>I know others will disagree, but it seems to me, from what I remember, that when he posted here more, people posted here more.
IMO the tone changed. It was like that originally. After the reelection of GWB (2004?) and the ensuing turmoil the form of moderation changed several times.
Posted by baseball55 on September 21, 2018, at 17:20:11
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by sigismund on September 20, 2018, at 19:39:34
> >I know others will disagree, but it seems to me, from what I remember, that when he posted here more, people posted here more.
>
> IMO the tone changed. It was like that originally. After the reelection of GWB (2004?) and the ensuing turmoil the form of moderation changed several times.My recollection is that traffic fell way off because of the endless disputes about Lou as well as some being blocked. I just stopped reading because I couldn't stand the level of anger and recrimination. Then Bob disappeared and there was absolutely no moderation. Then the site shut down for a very long time.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2018, at 23:28:38
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by baseball55 on September 21, 2018, at 17:20:11
I think I was maybe absent during the period of greatest turmoil. lengthy block... I think I was getting 12 months... for a few years in a row, or something like that.
I think I was a bit of a kamakazie for a while there...
I don't actually remember those times, at all, well.
Posted by sigismund on September 22, 2018, at 0:08:17
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens, posted by alexandra_k on September 21, 2018, at 23:28:38
That's right, Alex.
Posted by Poet on September 24, 2018, at 15:58:36
In reply to Sh!t happens, posted by Toph on September 14, 2018, at 10:07:38
Hi Toph,
Yes, sh!t happens and when it does it really hits the fan. You don't come across as a whining ingrate to me you just come across as feeling displaced career wise and sad about your brother. That's not whining, it's venting frustration over situations you cannot control (though if you're like me you feel you must be in control which leads to more frustration).
Volunteering doesn't seem to fulfilling the work void, though maybe if you volunteer in another area? Any other interests that are not social work related? What about training lessons with the new dog then hanging at the dog park?
Poet
Posted by Toph on September 25, 2018, at 14:34:14
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens » Toph, posted by Poet on September 24, 2018, at 15:58:36
Hi Poet,
It's great to hear from you after all this time. I have been involved in two interest groups. I go on tours with the local Miata club and I participate in our county's camera club.
I am fortunate to be able to be retired. I try to be helpful with volunteering and doing more around the house. Somehow I feel listless especially when my wife is working so hard. It will be a few years until we share our listlessness together.
I hope all is well with you.
Posted by sigismund on September 25, 2018, at 14:57:14
In reply to Re: Sh!t happens » Poet, posted by Toph on September 25, 2018, at 14:34:14
>I go on tours with the local Miata club
What's the Miata club, Toph?
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