![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 44 to 68 of 79. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2015, at 22:53:27
In reply to Re: 1 down, 3 to go, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2015, at 22:42:16
The reason why 'equity' is starting to upset me is because people are all about 'its not fair! i got screwed over and its not fair!' but if they were in the position to screw over other people... they would do what was done to them in a flash. So their crying about how it isn't fair... I feel almost completely unsympathetic about it when I think that they would do the same thing (take up that same 'opportunity') if things were reversed.
I wouldn't. And I trusted that somehow... That would matter to the 'right' people (the people who matter to me). That there would be people like me in the sense that they would have an internal moral compass... That they might not take up these 'opportunities' to f*ck over other people for the reason that... They don't feel that f*ck*ng over other people is the right thing to do.
I know a lot of people who 'take up opportunities' think that the above way of thinking is seriously misguided etc etc etc. At the end of the day, how bad do you want out? Enough to play the game?
I... Can't play the game. I think that part of me is broken. I'm not able to successfully mask my emotional state. I'm not able to convince anybody that I'm happy to see them when I'm not or that I'm totally going out of my way to do everything for them when that's simply not true.
There are people like me, yeah? Where are they? I suspect they are the ones who left here... I feel so very sad.
This year is a horrible year. I found out I didn't do any better in the biology final than I did in the first test. Which surprises me a lot... Apparently they are objectively graded and not scaled. I know I missed a bunch of content in the first test because I studied to the content not to the test. I got a lot of multi-guess wrong... Then in my prep for the exam in taking time to work through past years questions I found that my initial judgements were out because I wasn't getting some of the appropriate contrast classes / the style of the questions... So... I expected my performance to come up significantly. But it didn't... Which surprises me a great deal.
I have been targeted negatively... In asking for special accommodations it is like they have researched what is known about autistic spectrum from 20 years ago and they purposefully tried to introduce aspects of that into the learning environment to... Try and trigger me. One can only suppose that that is the intention. I suspect it is about trying to teach me a lesson that it is not appropriate to ask for help. It is coming back to me... About how we say that it is their fault for not asking for help. How can we help if they don't ask? But if they ask for help then we have to be very quick to punish / stomp on that because why would we spend resources to help them? Getting ahead... For anybody to voluntarily offer information on their weakness / need for help... There's an opportunity for the person with the knowledge of that to get ahead... For sure.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 3, 2015, at 19:55:59
In reply to Re: 1 down, 3 to go, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2015, at 22:53:27
I went to visit my Mother the other day. It wasn't so bad. Except that the house was so cold that it physically hurt. We are taught to pretend that it isn't cold. Yeah. So very much cheaper that way. Anyway, I brought back some stuff that I had stored there.
I read my old file notes. Not all of them. The first couple weeks of my first admission are missing. There are other chunks, too, but most of them are there. It was weird reading them. I remember there were points at which I did read them along the way. At the time I remember feeling all indignant about this and that. That they had interpreted things in this or that way or that they had written things that weren't true. But I didn't feel that way about any of it. I guess the memories have faded. Into the second year... It was like I was reading file reports for someone else.
I have my school reports, too. Most of my High School ones are missing, but I have the ones from Primary school. And I have my Plunket book (pre-school).
I see why I was diagnosed with BPD. Looking pretty borderline, even to me. There was definate staff splitting going on there, too, with respect to clinicians who had empathy for me and clinicians who saw me as being manipulative / working the system and who wanted me to be terminated because contact with the service only made me worse.
Now... I see their point. The point of the 'evil bastards', heh. I wasn't intentionally being manipulative, but... Well... Linehan did a pretty good job, indeed. I really did do the best I could to cope and I really didn't know any better.
Reading my psychology notes... My first psychologist really went in to bat for me. Amazingly so. But she was... Kinda OCD in her CBTness. She couldn't sit with me in silence and... Just listen. To anything. She had to get to work in reframing it or whatever. She meant well, really, she did, but I couldn't handle anything. I'd forgotten just how fragile and helpless and... Passive and dependent I was back then. I felt safest (happiest in some peverse way) when I was sectioned in seclusion. I figured strategies for staying in hospital like kicking at the doors or attempting (in a way that I knew would likely fail, yes) in order to get sectioned again instead of discharged...
And 'the voices are screaming at me' was a language clinicians seemed to understand (admit and observe) but 'i feel horrible' wasn't... And then I got all confused in myself about whether I was telling the truth about hearing voices or whether I was making up stories. Whether I was a lying manipulative person or what... And I felt like a horrible bad person, yes. And I didn't know whether I was making up stories or not. Whether I heard voices or not. I just knew that I was hurting so bad and I really and truly didn't know what the hell else to do in order to have any hope in gettin gthe only thing that seemed to help me. A seclusion cell. I guess. And the limitied inter-personal contact of a single person (1:1 staff time) of a walk around the yard and a cigarette...
A calming environment.
Anyway...
I wonder if I would have liked a straight jacket. I bet I would...
I guess the point is that I feel at peace with it, now. Some of the clinicians were helpful, some not so much. Some of them were helpful in their intent, some of them not so much. I did do best in DBT. Mostly because of the security of the 1 year contract and the structured session content (so I didn't have to provide that) and the education stuff on emotions was helpful because I thought you were supposed to label them by introspection and I couldnt' really do that before all I had was 'alright' or 'not so alright' or 'f*ck*ng horrid'.
I really have come a long way.
The funniest thing... Plunket was fine. No delay in any milestones or problems with any motor skills. Reading words and saying alphabet around 3... Handwriting was remarked on as messy... Lots of careless errors and too much haste more generally. I did quite well in math - but I distinctly remember cheating on my times tables test so they would quit harrassing me when I was about 7 so maybe I learned to cheat? I don't know...
Then about lack of organisation... Messy...
I have this thing where I find it hard to get started / hard to get motivated to get started. Then once I'm started it is equally hard for me to find whatever it is so I can stop. I started going on walks because keyworkers initially made me... Then I really got into it... I didn't want to cook so they made me make spaghetti... Then I wanted to make a chocolate cake... One of them almost got me playing badminton (but I didn't want to - of course)... More vigorous exercise would have helped me, for sure.
Anyway... I really am able to feel objective about myself... Which is good. And... I don't feel burning hatred or whatever for doctors x and y and z anymore. Doctor x... Was right. Only... HIs solution was to... Leave me to die. I guess. Abandon me. Take away the only place I knew of to go to for help. I guess... Without that place (the hospital) I may have made better progress on making the other ones work out better for me. University. In particular. But I do need support when times get stressful... Typically... The holidays. Those are hard times for me. After the first week... All the unstructured time then... That's when I disintegrate. Because I don't have anything to hold it together for. Yeah.
My Biology grade got changed from a B to a B+. I requested all my exam scripts (which I always do) and then it got changed from a B to a B+. Odd. If the board of examinors altered it... If it were somehow disability adjusted that would have happened before I was given notification of my final grade... I... Don't trust things here. This country... Very corrupt... I don't think I'm being especially delusional or paranoid or whatever. Anyway... I suppose a B+ is acceptable in the sense of being a neutral contributor to my required average. Looking back through test 1... Quite a few things... I trust they graded it properly but some of those things... Are they really wrong? I guess without a herd I'm easy pickings...
FFS.
Isn't the world a wonderful place?
Posted by alexandra_k on July 3, 2015, at 20:03:58
In reply to Moving, posted by alexandra_k on July 3, 2015, at 19:55:59
Oh, and of course once I get my exam I'll be able to do the calculations myself and see what message they are giving me as to whether I 'really' earned a B or a B+. Wait and see... Even though I probably can't view my multi-guess answers against model answers... I can see how the numbers add up at the very least.
I'm getting the screw removed from my right ankle. When I talked to the surgeon about getting the metal out I was feeling very bold about it all. When the papers arrived from the hospital and I needed to sign consent forms for anasthetic and realised I was having an overnight stay (good way of doing it, actually, arrive early afternoon, have operations into the evening, admit and discharge after breakfast the next day). Anyway... I didn't feel quite so bold, anymore. Had a vivid dream about it, too. The whole thing. Odd...
I guess that's me all over... I wrote about DID because I thought that was me... And I needed to understand. I wrote about delusions because that was a possibility too... Then the way things went... Which of course led me right into the consumer movement where Autistic Spectrum is basically the best home for that right now... And of course going through the court system a little bit last year when I was studying that... And so of course I'm going to have an operation sometime this year. Ha. At least I haven't had an accident, or something. Hrm... Anyway... Things are meant to be. Or be+. Or something...
Posted by alexandra_k on July 4, 2015, at 2:18:24
In reply to Re: Moving, posted by alexandra_k on July 3, 2015, at 20:03:58
I am really really happy about how it felt to read my file. It didn't feel retraumatising at all. I felt more empathy for my clinicians than for the old me. I mean, I did feel empathy for the old me. I think I have learned a lot... I think there are lots of things I could do from my position now to help the young me. In reading through... I was like... Oh, yeah. I can't do the emotion labelling thing (which is frustrating the hell out of that therapist) because I think you are supposed to cast your attention inwards and squint at it right and then an emotion word is supposed to sort of pop out of you.. Only... I tried and I tried but one wouldn't. And I didn't know how to get it to work... 'I don't know'... And 'I don't know' just drove her nuts. But I can read that now and sort of laugh at it. And have empathy for both, I guess.
And for doctor x who I really did think was the devil. He was the first to come out with the borderline label. He thought I was was just working the system to get in when I wanted and to get out when my attention was captured by fun things over there... And reading now... And even thinking back now... He was right. That was what I was doing. I wasn't trying to be a bad person or anything... But that kind of was what was going on. And talking about voices... Was because that seemed to get people feeling empathetic for me... It got people responding to me more in the way I needed them to... It felt like I'd found the 'magic words'. I didn't know what else to do. I started out with the truth (as best I could) and it didn't seem to work anymore...
But he was right. What the mental health system was... Didn't really have room for me. Didn't have the resources (and at times the knowledge of what was needed) to help me. I wasn't psychotic as often as I was in hospital. Most of my admissions... I probably shouldn't have been there. Others... Weren't so wedded to the letter of what the system was supposed to be... They felt more empathetically about (for example) offering temporary respite while accommodation came through. In some sense they didn't do the right thing in doing that stuff for me, though. I see that now. His perspective.
Which is good... Because some of these people might still be there. Probably not... But possibly yes. And some of the nurses... More likely to still be there. And I think... That is okay. I think... I'm finally at peace about it all.
Thank you autistic spectrum. That... Works.
Developmental. Yeah. There always was something about me... I knew it. Yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 9, 2015, at 19:04:12
In reply to Re: Moving, posted by alexandra_k on July 4, 2015, at 2:18:24
Well, the Maaoris did indeed decide to completely f*ck me over / fail me.
I need to remember that most of the Maaori I know are really rather skeptical indeed about the ones that come up here. All about equity this and equity that gimmie gimmie gimmie and when they are given (in the name of equity) they then proceed to think that it is their right to f*ck their own people over just about as badly as their people were f*ck*d over by the white people however many years ago.
That seems to be what they mean by equity.
A bunch of money was given in the name of Maaori health. Where did the money go? It flew people about the country so they could have meetings all day... Where the meetings about them feeling like they have some genuine standing on some hierarchy. Then they can return to their houses in the richer parts of Auckland. Maybe throw a bit of money at this grandson over here and this niece over there. You know, the socially gregarious bully ones that their hearts have taken a special liking to... Because social gregariousness is what we value most. Big warrior eyes and who cares whether there's anybody home on the inside. Fearlessness is most prized most especially when the psychopathic heart is behind it... Tragedy of the commons... They seem determined...
I didn't use to be racist... But it is developing, oh yes, indeed, it is. Here... With the Maaori who aren't Maaori at all... Just have their hands out waiting for their opportunity to f*ck their people over.
I get f*ck*d over because I won't pay what they believe to be sufficient homage to them. Because I take exception to barely literate people being employed to teach us literacy in the name of equity.
It isn't doing them any favors, either. It is only resulting in more people coming through with racist tendencies. They have to MAKE the medical students attend the Maaori days (threaten to fail them their degrees if they don't attend). They can pull ranks like that for them through medical school - but what is going to happen when they get to be doctors out the other end? You can't make them give adequate medical treatment. Wonder why your people don't get more time / attention from doctors? Maybe if you bullied them less through medical school they might develop a more genuine sense of empathy. If you want to make sure your people are avoided... You couldn't be doing a better job of it than what you are.
But I'm the bad guy for pointing this sh*t out. They actually don't care. Not the ones I'm talking to. THey get their sense of power and control. Over their own people. Over medicine...
MMmm hmm.
I'm remembering now that they did use to say that NZ didn't have any noxious pests.. No snakes. No poisonious spiders. But we had truly noxious natives. Nowdays we call it 'mischeviousness' and 'curiosity' and even things like 'friendliness'. The idea of.... Instead of being in meetings all day... One might decide to build a fence / make a farm. THey will see that... Your being busiliy occupied with something that is not them. They will not stand for it. They'll rip down the fences when your not looking. They'll ruin everything you do. Toddler rage taht you are occupied with something not them.
It isn't because it is on their land, or whatever. It is because they saw you. They saw that you would rather spend time on something not them and they saw fit to ruin it out of toddler rage. That is the Maaori way. And that is what happened. And it led to the land wars and so on...
And now they cry with their hands out for the profits of the land... When they have land... And dont' seem able to organise into doing anything profitable with it... Not least because if any of them tries the others will rise up 'you think you're better than us!' and see fit to destroy it.
The 'tall poppy' thing. It's a comment on Maaori culture. Insofar as it is a comment on NZ society more generally it's a comment on how this aspect of Maaori culture has pervaded it.
This country really is mostly run by bullies. Those with power... F*ck knows how they got it...
There was this thing with the university... Hiring certain people short term... Mostly to look after the early years kids that nobody else much wanted to look after (since they shouldn't really be at uni in the first place since they seem more interested in delighting in their ignorance, bullying others for wanting to study / work, interfering with the efforts of others to work). Then soemthing happened and somehow they managed to turn those temporary posts into permanent positions. Because they had been temporary recurring for so long... Something something about employee rights. So now there are a bunch of people employed in academic posts who think that their job is to cater to the bully children. To show them youtube videos and to give them library workshops on how they can't quote their friends off facebook in academic essays.
And these people... Take extra special delight in failing me... Because they can. Because they can. I see why people are horrified at the thoguht of starting over. Because you put yourself at the mercy of seriously incompetent bully people. Who take delight in saying that you are illiterate etc etc etc. Because pulling other people down is how they get to take special delight at somehow being further ahead on the hierarchy...
I'm f*ck*d off that they are going to make me do another degree to get away from them (they don't give the bully people control over higher level courses).
I hate this stupid f*ck*ng country.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 9, 2015, at 19:22:40
In reply to Re: Moving, posted by alexandra_k on July 9, 2015, at 19:04:12
So... My Biology B that was changed to a B+. I guess what it shows me is that once a supposedly 'final' grade is posted, it isn't as 'final' as it may seem.
I did the math... And if my math is correct... I got no more than about 90% in the biology exam. Somewhere between 86 and 90, I think. For my grade to have come up from the internal component to that... I did work very hard for the biology exam... So... If my math is correct on that... It gives me hope for Medsci. What let me down was the lab. Because the (not Maaori) laboratory demonstrators took exception that I wasn't paying sufficient homage to them in sucking up for them to give me the answers... And so they decided to seriously mislead me for one of the labs... After not helping me see that they were able to help me rather more than I thought they could for the one previous (I left because I didn't think I could do any of it so there wasn't any point staying).
I only got around 60% on Chem, which is dissapointing, indeed. I expected to do significantly better on the final.
Population health... 60% for the one that failed me on the internal assessment, and a fail from the other one, the one that decided not to fail me on the internal. So I just scrape a pass for one and fail the other. Because social science is clearly not my thing. Mmm yeah.
They have this odd 'truth by consensus' thing going on. Something something about hierarchy and so on. Guess even they know that it wouldn't do for them to piss off the parents of the rich kids. Make sure they correlate the 'right answers' with what kids from certain schools have to say.
I'm sure the UMAT is every bit as bad. When they ask you for your high school so they can figure out teh decile rating for 'equity adjustment' that's just a nice way of them saying so they can make sure the higher decile school kids are favored. I mean... Why else would you send your kids to a private school?
I really do hate this country. There is no such thing as professionalism. Even in the private health system... I don't think you pay more to get professionalism. You pay more to get cable TV and nicer carpet and more varieties of yoghurt. Most people are incapable of getting at... The things that really matter. Mostly because... Their desires are dictated to by advertising / subliminal messages that they don't even know they are slaves to.
This country makes me sick.
I don't entirely know what to do...
I would like to sue them for incompetence, but I'm not sure this is an option for me. ACC... The government took away our right to sue employers (and doctors) for negligence. They took away that right and in return they offered us insurance for problems resulting from accident (arising from negligence or whatever). It was a way of protecting us from people visiting the country (touring) and then suing because our roads are substandard or our tourist activities are too dangerous (conservation platforms sometimes give way etc). So our country wouldn't go broke by being sued from some lawyered up American, I think. We'd offer them free healthcare for their injury (and no, they can't sue for incompetent that, either) and that's all they'd get out of us.
Education... I'm not sure. I think we have a student law clinic here... I wonder if someone might find it an interesting case. We don't do blind grading here. They leave themselves open to it. I've told them... Repeatedly... But they choose to ensure they can do their nepotistic thing. So, well, someone has to actually make them stop, hey. We don't have many laws in this country. What laws we have we don't bother to enforce, hardly.
What happened.... What happened to how things used to be... However many years ago... What happened to all the kids books that I used to read teaching values like honesty and integrity and kindness and compassion. Hard work. All of this is so very far removed from here where we revel and delight and bully those who don't revel and delight in stupidity and ignorance and bullying. There are so many swipe card only access areas all about the place... And all the communal areas are full of cooing and yelping and crying natives. Tragedy of the commons, indeed.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 10, 2015, at 3:36:03
In reply to Re: Moving, posted by alexandra_k on July 9, 2015, at 19:22:40
I do feel... Tender about it all. Not traumatised. But tender, yeah.
I feel that way now. Very much so. That at least one aspect of this university has decided to f*ck me over. Because they can. Because they think they know better than me what is good for me (them). That other people are going to let them.
I hate this country. Really rather a lot.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do. But I will in fact see about suing the university. The people who can't even keep documents (whose funding just keeps on being cut because they can't even keep documents) get to teach literacy. Oh, the irony.
Perhaps it is because it has to come from a 'they discriminated against me because I have a disability' place otherwise it will strike people as racist.
Again. I hate this country.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 11, 2015, at 16:30:31
In reply to Re: Moving, posted by alexandra_k on July 10, 2015, at 3:36:03
I think I might see about overseas, again. Chase up the person I worked well with... See if there is any way that I can work with him again. Start over on my PhD. Even Australia... Not necessarily where I was before. Hunt out someone who feels able to meet with me regularly and help me form concrete manageable goals for the week / fortnight so that I progress my way through my thesis. Get a good thesis done. See about using it as a platform for a solid career.
I'm also going to see about suing the University, here. I'm not sure why it hasn't been done before. Seems to be the only thing that will stop education truly going down the f*ck*ng toilet.
I think the deal with the health system is basically that... We don't have one. Not the way I'm thinking of. It isn't about clinical competence and so on. It really is mostly about those other things. Insofar as there is an aspect about clinical competence and so on it isn't something they will let me do. They have kids cuing up to do it. Kids with rich benefactors cuing up to do it. Kids who have had considerable investment in them over the years cuing up to do it. It simply isn't going to go to someone like me... And it is also going to go to a young person with many years of working life ahead of them. Someone who can spend their prime years working extended shifts at the hospital (rather than partying) and we all know your capacity to do that and still put on a pretty non-puffy fresh face for the customer service smile is... Something that winds down.
Most of it is smoke and mirrors... Making people believe they have a health system. Bait and switch for things like cable TV and soft carpet.
The idea that I might be able to make informed decisions about what is best for me... That I would somehow more likely to be able to get what is best for me... That isn't something that I will ever get to have. Of course people kid themselves that you can pay for it. That that is the point of money and that you can buy it with money. The thing is that you can't, really. You have to trust that you are paying for the things that are important, that other people are informing you properly and so on.
I remember seeing personal trainers at the gym... Some of them purposely keeping their clients depending on them (teaching them exercises that involved the trainer so as to make them dependent). Some of them laughing / scoffing about their client behind their back (somehow getting more kudos out of a certain set because of this). I saw that... And realised that the only way I was going to be sure to get good exercise was to learn about it myself and then I'd know enough to be able to assess whether someone was helpful to me or was having me on...
This country really is a sh*t hole. Here's an example of a *brilliant* idea. What we need... Is paramedics to have more power. LIke they do in the US. More power to triage and to send people to their GP rather than to the ER in particular. To, you know, free up the ER. Save money by ordering less tests. Save money by performing less scans. Make the call 'granny fell over again - but she's probably okay. My guess-ums is no internal bleeding or anything so we'll just say she's fine and save money - yeah?' In this wonderful wonderful wonderful country of ours with socially gregarious natives who are trained in 'me oh me oh me oh me oh can I please make big and important decisions to have esteem from all the people' and ACC (not allowed to sue for incompetence / negligence / error)... I can just see the money rolling in from the 'training program' (accredited and university legitimated, of course' that teaches the 16 year old high school drop outs 'take them to GP not to ER okay?????)'
Beam me up scotty...
Posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2015, at 16:50:30
In reply to Re: Moving along, posted by alexandra_k on July 11, 2015, at 16:30:31
So, the screw came out. Or, more precisely, half the screw came out. So now there is half a screw with a fairly jagged edge in the vicinity of a mobile joint that the screw failed to fuse. I suppose it could have been wishful thinking... But I thought that I had more movement around the joint. That I couldn't feel the screw transfering the force in weird ways up my knee. If that is so... Then I suppose that is a very bad thing, indeed, since it will involve the jagged edge of the screw jabbing about inside my bone. So...
So...
Worst possible outcome? I suppose I could get an infection...
If you don't do dressing changes then I suppose you limit the risk of exposure. Send them out... If they get an infection they get an infection away from the hospital. Apparently there is a waterproof dressing on it... But when I went to take off the obviously non waterproof outer bandage I got down to blood soaked inner padding so... I guess I just leave it all for two days... Then... Soak it off? Get stitches removed in two weeks.
I'm not entirely sure what to say.
I can't tell if I'm being tested... If I have an actual opportunity to pass this test... Or if I'm being 'taught a series of lessons' about how I can only fail. Getting a D+ for Population Health... There is no way I can get a place if that grade sticks. So... I have to challenge it, of course.
The problem is that they feel that I don't respect them. They are showing me how they feel. They feel like I am giving them a D. The thing is... If they'd have given me a B or even a high C then I would have taken it like the slap on the wrist that it was... But to give me a clear fail and make all these comments about how I'm not answering the question and so on... All semester they have been 'come and talk to us come and talk to us come and talk to us come and talk to us' and when I say 'I'm not so good at the come and talk to us thing so no, thanks' they will not accept that.
I am good with those who feel disenfranchised from within. There are plenty of Maaori killing themselves because they feel bullied and unwanted by their people. i'm good with those people. At placating their leaders... Not so much, no. Why should I be?
I'll be alright, I suppose. The surgeon likely did his best... I feel... Really sad that we weren't able to communicate better. I don't know... If there was anything I could have said maybe about taking a bit more time or something... If that would have helped. I didn't know how to help myself... I didn't know how to convey what was most important to me, because I didn't know what the risks were. In the battle between screw and bone I'm glad bone won... But if it was a battle between less time under anasthetic / harder recovery and more liklihood of successful removal I'd have gone with the later... Instead... I said about how I'd rather a local and not a general if possible... But I understood that maybe a general since it had been in there for years and he'd probably have to give it a good yank. I guess... I'm feeling like I wish I hadn't have said that. Maybe it was giving him permission to do that? I don't know... I just feel sad for my foot :-( I think I made things worse :-(
Posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2015, at 19:46:45
In reply to Re: Moving along, posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2015, at 16:50:30
Okay, so, after a nap and so on, I feel quite a lot better.
I think I have more dorsiflexion since the head of the screw was jamming / preventing that before, and it isn't now. So I have more movement. Which is what I mostly wanted and so that is good.
Seems that they often break. If they are loose / aren't successful in bone fusion. They wiggle about and so on and break. So... Given the extra special efforts that I made over the years to regain as much mobility as I could... And given that it really did feel like I was hitting up on the limits of the screw repeatedly in attempting to gain more mobility... It really is possible that it was pretty close to breaking all by itself, anyways. So... Yeah.
He said something about getting the rest of it being a bit more major excavation... So I guess we will see whether the remainder is an irritant, or not. And I guess it could come out at a later date. Anyway... Yeah... I suspect it bled rather a lot due to my insistance on catching the bus (walking around quite a lot as well), too. I suppose there could be a waterproof dressing under... Anyway... Whatever... I had started to forget how lack of sleep / food can play with your thinking, yeah.
I'm seeing a student advocate person today. If my population health grade isn't changed into some kind of a pass then I really don't have any hope at all of doing med next year. Even if it is changed it looks a bit unlikely... But it really does look impossible without that. So... I most need for there to be a way out where everyone can save face (especially since I need to do the sequel next semester). I don't know that there is one.
I have a lot of empathy for the (significant number of) people in the world who are... declassed. the underclass. yeah. And a significant number of them are Maaori. There are people who kill themselves and so on because they feel devalued and disenfranchised by their own people. I have empathy for them... I have a hell of a lot less empathy for the leader people who seem to be looking out more for themselves than the people they are supposed to be looking after...
I do have a hard time sucking up to authority just because it is authority. Even when it is in my interests. I think there is something selling the soul about it...
It is crazy... Because we are on the same side, I think. Unless their side really is to divert funds into their own mansion in the richer parts of the city in which case I have no empathy for them at all...
Anyway... Otherwise... I do have a lawyer who I've been reccommended. And if we can make a good case for damages they might be willing to represent me. So... That way seems... Most likely to screw everyone over, though. But then depends how resolved they are... If they really have decided to screw me over I have nothing to lose and they should be stopped.
Anyway... Just more pressure tap tap tapping away on my need to manage my time. Study for UMAT, sort this out, start preparing for next week (courses start)...
If I'm being tested because I have a hope in coming out the other side... Then I'm okay. Just knowing that... I'm okay. But if I really don't have a chance... I'd rather quit now. I think that is the hardest thing about this year. Every year subsequent you know they have invested in you and they want you to succeed. This year... I feel like there are people who want me to fail. Maybe that will always be true. I... Do feel like I have had people on my side this year... Yeah. The compression gear. That was a significant investment and one that a lot of people don't get. My accommodation. Again. The learning people have been good to me. I have a good GP. And so on...
And I do have a tendency to get bored in the holidays... And whatever whatever is going on... I don't feel bored. That's for sure. No more playing of the sims. Yeah...
I wish you could check in slightly more often, Dr Bob. I still need you. Or probably, the idea of you. I guess it is okay that you aren't around... The place still is... I would feel a significant loss if I couldn't post here anymore. Whatever will become of me. I somehow feel like I have more people on my side from posting my stuff here. Maybe it helps people understand me.. Probably it helps me understand myself. I do feel lonely sometimes.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 17, 2015, at 19:05:20
In reply to Re: Moving along, posted by alexandra_k on July 13, 2015, at 19:46:45
I decided to bail on this year. Mostly because I do need to feel like I am part of a group of people like me, somehow. Given that I am most interested in anatomy / surgery, I really need to excel in that, and I didn't manage to do that in Biosci this semester.
I decided to do the medsci paper (more like medschool than any other paper) and the law paper (ditto Law) and really do my best to get A range grades. If I can't do that, the field is telling me something. If I can do that then my people won't give a f*ck about how well I did or did not do in Population health. Or in Bio. I can treat the umat as practice for this year (no pressure).
The coursebook for Medsci is Wonderful. Simple, clear, beautiful. A lot of t g e things I've been struggling with... Non issues. The way they used to be. Maybe I will learn to suck it up and play the PC game. If I want it enough... I see why it is hard to come in later. Young people, in many respects, dont know better yet. Used to manipulating adults to get their way.
Anyway... Medsci rather than bio. Finally. Yay.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 20, 2015, at 0:37:08
In reply to Re: another degree, posted by alexandra_k on July 17, 2015, at 19:05:20
If you walk at your ordinary walking pace all is good...
If you need to walk with someone whose walking pace is faster than you, then things can get painful (my mother).
If you need to walk with someone whose walking pace is slower than you, then things can get equally painful.
It can be easier to stop. Then wait for the person to get sufficiently far ahead... Then to start walking again. That can be less painful.
And that was math. Until... Maths got too far ahead. Oops.
And then there was science. And we did biology. And I suspected that biology was a slow-walker for physics. And physics was the epitome of science (one could study biology a little bit earlier than chem / physics and I guess I had reductionist ideology all the way back then)...
So I didn't try particularly at biology. Thought I'd let it get sufficiently far ahead for it to be fun. But then physics... Turned out to be math. Ooops.
Oooooooops.
Oh wells.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2015, at 19:22:00
In reply to Re: I have figured it out., posted by alexandra_k on July 20, 2015, at 0:37:08
so i got a months free subscription to the paper. which is kinda cool, actually. anyway... there was this article on how some kinds are learning maths kinesthetically... on their fingers... and a photograph of a teacher holding up her hands... counting off from the thumbs (so you end up with the dead-end meeting in the middle once you get to 10 and no concept of a number line).
sigh.
I do need to work on my basic maths concepts. no help around here... too many people failed to acquire them.
just simple maths...
i sat the UMAT. i ended up not studying for it majorly... realising that it was a practice run. anyway... it is a nice test, yeah. well written. sometimes the answers surprise me... sometimes i need to think very hard to follow their reasoning... but i did work through some of their practice stuff and i certainly went 'oh, one of those, i see' quite a lot. so i think that it does indeed intend to teach you some skills and then test whether you learned them (from them or from school or whatever). anyway... i need to do simple 'liklihood'. and there is some stuff, too, on being able to write (simple) equations. just a very basic understanding of concepts. i see... i think i can do it... but need to put some work in, yeah. the work in did on maths before wasn't wasted.. i just need more practice.
i keep to-ing and fro-ing about things here. somtiems i think they are just profiteering from me, somehow. thinking that they can keep me here on around minimium wage or whatever forever... i mean... sometimes i think i am happy here getting this opportunity to learn stuff. but then other times i rail about how it isn't an opportunity at all it is just babysittting and then rewarding the people who were educated before they came in... i don't know... i am fairly undecided, i guess.
i feel like what is hard is that i can't trust / rely on honesty. because people don't speak honestly anymore. perhaps that is just health. all over. people don't communicate informational contents. most of the informational contents they do communicate seem designed to be (intentioanlly) misleading... people are very selfish... their own interests... the more you learn about how superficial etc most people are the more you feel justified in looking out from your own / treating others differently from how you would want to be treated. most people... like the attention from an operation - right? that is the point. nice food... whatever... stuff like that. service quality... bait and switch...
i remember being surprised that this guy i know... smart guy... was a doc for a while then switched out... he had this sort of thing (obsession? Hobby interest? curiosity about? fascination with?) psychopaths. the idea that someone might be very prosocial to the world but have very disturbing tendancies behind closed doors... i was surprised about this because i didn't think the idea was psychologically plausible. i was quite attracted by some of the moral theory stuff on how you act in a certain way because then you make it more psychologically likely that you will act in certain ways... fostering certain traits... i didn't think it was possible to partitioni like that (maybe that is kind of ironic, or something, but my best efforts to dissociate were surely leaky...)
anyway... i think hidden curriculum... trains people to be like that. to put on a facade... that getting better at the facade... is like standing on a bump on the rug. and then the weird thing bumps out the other way. the anti-social tendancy. what might have been a disagreement... soothed away with some acknowledgement and processing... festers and swells... and some sicko thing gets fostered indeed.
and perhaps... that is the... what do you call it... not a costly signal... a committment signal. to the group. your fate is tied to the fate of the group. like the neurosurgeon who (eventually) got called out for his drug and prostitution parties... eventually... for a long while... that was probably the thing to keep him in line... what sort of a committment signal do they need for sometone to work in social policy.
shudder.
i'm scared. this is why girls aren't supposed to work, and stuff, huh.
hmm...
i don't know what to do... try not to let it distract me from studying, i suppose. even if they are just going to take my money and redistribute it to the stupid kids of the wealthy parents... i mean... what ya gonna do?
Posted by alexandra_k on August 3, 2015, at 22:29:13
In reply to Re: I have figured it out., posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2015, at 19:22:00
so, it just properly hit me today... if you get to do a heart transplant you might actually get to hold a living and beating live healthy heart in your hands. how cool is that? really... i mean... wow.
when we did the rat dissection i found myself looking around a bit... sort of... is it alright for me to be doing this? i mean... really? it's okay? i should be a bit aggressive with the blunt scissors to open the peritoneal cavity? to hack through the ribs... to hack through the jaw to expose the epiglottis? we are really allowed to be doing this?
it is pretty freaky...
i'm really enjoying my classes this semester. Medsci is great. it is just so interesting... i'm happy spending most of my time studying for it because it is so interesting... And law is going pretty great... very much a new application of philosophy skills... I didn't realise that this country is so new... has only been making it's own laws pretty recently (like, in the last 30 years) and so on... that's the problem, really. developing the knowledgeable people to run this country well... it is taking time and people do head off overseas...
But medsci is great, yeah. i am disappointed that i really don't think i will get to do medicine next year (there actually is some ambiguity in their application stuff where i might actually be able to apply since i will have done a full time year and i have done a degree already...)... but then... Given that I really do want to do the science / surgery / anatomy side of it (not singing placebo to the masses in rural communities or nodding and smiling because that is so much cheaper than running tests of prescribing things or actually treating people...) ... I might be better off doing a couple more years of medsci before going in. so i'm more likely to do better on the exams etc so i'm more likely to get good placements / to be slightly impressive or at least not too ignorant and or annoying on placement / to get accepted to further training programs... I don't know... The physiology is about to pick up with cardio, I think... Lets see if I can keep up...
Anyway... Happy, yeah. I was really worried after last semester. I've done some of the practice multiple choice assessments for Medsci and... Have come home, yeah. Like the UMAT. I know I didn't do well at it (due to my own lack of study on it) but then... They were fair questions. Not ambiguous or (IMHO wrong). Which is what most of last semester seemed to me to be in biology and population health. So... Huge relief that Medsci is making sense to me. It is mostly about the volume of information, yeah. Not to say it isn't about understanding... But you have a volume to get through before you have the information you need to be puzzling about... And it just takes time, yeah. Fortunately... It is really interesting, yeah. A heart. An actual beating heart. Damn.
I feel like some part of my brain woke up during the UMAT test... In the practice for it all the practice is online... And I tried printing off bits... But they tell you not to... And then I read something about how if you practice a skill in (certain kinds of) non-optimal conditions then that can result in your having increased performance under ideal conditions. And so I sort of went with that... Only working through problems on the computer (which, for me is far from ideal). And it used to be in three sections. All the science reasoning first then the verbal and then the picture sequencing pattern stuff. But now it is all jumbled up... And so some people are saying to go through one kind of task and then the next and then... And with it not being in sections now you really need to figure how you are going to pace things... Anyway... I thought I would basically not worry about any of this and just see how I found it...
I feel like part of my brain has woken up to the picture completion / pattern recognition. Especially having it on paper there in front of me. I can use my hands to cover irrelevant bits... That seemed to me to be a significant part of the test - your ability to ignore the distractors. I'm probably not to great at that (I think maybe my working memory workbench is a bit on the small side so I need external / environmental strategies to help with that defecit). .. Anyway... Using my hand to cover up answers I've eliminated or aspects I'm not supposed to focus on... It really helped, yeah. And just seeing a problem and going 'oh, its a growing pattern I remember those' or it's a '+1, +2, +3...' or whatever. I have some of the categories, now and sometimes the pattern... Is almost pop out in it's salience. More practice, for sure. Really loving the visuo-spatial thing. Doign that too with anatomy... Different sections... Building a mental picture. Lots of closing your eyes and visually remembering... Before sleep seems best... Brain really seems to remember... Visuospatial workbench increasing f*ck yeah!
It is great fun, yeah. Like the gym... When I felt like a different part of my brain woke up, or something.
Life is pretty good. Yeah :-)
Posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2015, at 3:54:39
In reply to Re: perks, posted by alexandra_k on August 3, 2015, at 22:29:13
Soooooooooooo many graphs. Sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2015, at 5:16:30
In reply to Re: perks, posted by alexandra_k on August 7, 2015, at 3:54:39
It looks like they are closing it down. The place where I was staying before. Over the bridge... The accommodation, I mean. The dilapidated buildings.
I feel sad about that. It gave a relatively safe space to people who would likely have worse without it. Sure it was cold. And sure the sewers backed up sometimes. And so on... But it was alcohol / drug free. And nobody was abusing anybody.
I'm still undecided about what to do about my grades / what happened with me out at the 'health science' campus. I think... I shall leave it be. I... Could make an appeal... Judicial review of administrative action. There is stuff in the education act about education being internationally focused (rather than focused on serving the needs of localised communities) and so on... In many ways it would be an interesting case, I suppose. But... I feel like it will get the wrong people. The health sci people... They are kind of being set up to take a fall... Again...
This guy was down to give a talk, I saw... It was about whether they had dumbed population health down too much. When the smart people run for the hills and you are left with people who think that this, that, and the next thing is a 'no brainer' (because they haven't thought about it very hard) then, uh, yeah, you probably dumbed things down too much. But then... If your intention was to get people to run for the hills / to truly undermine the prospects for success... Couldn't have done much of a better job if you had have set out with that intent. For the people who have that intent... Well... They couldn't have done much of a better job than appointing someone like you to 'look after' the whole project.
There was this thing recently about trouble in the prisons. Some of the prisoners were uploading phone videos to the internet of them having organised fights inside the prisons. The foreign managed prisons. They lost their bonus for managing them well... But, well, how else are they going to offer such a cheap service? Cut down on the number of guards and basically let the prisoners fend for themselves... Then appoint a minister to look after the whole situation... Who.. Well... Isn't very bright. Lovely guy, though. Really lovely guy. Looking out for his people... Boys are boys, hey, nothing you can do about that...
Sigh.
Meh.
They have introduced mooting into first year law. We don't know very much yet so it is kinda hard. They are releasing the scenario (or whatever it is called) tomorrow... And we are only allowed to refer to 5 cases (in our coursebooks) but they will make the full case available so we can use that... It gets you feeling... A bit competitive, yeah. In a good way, I think. But yeah, you want to hide your thoughts a bit and hope to be one step ahead of the next guy... Heh...
Something different from cardiac output, hey. medsci has gone quite physiology on me, which is as I thought it would, I guess. This section and respiratory are the ones to watch out for, apparently. Glad I'm only doing 2 papers... I see that it is pretty much the decider... Whether you understand the content or are... Doomed to going through even simpler versions of it over the next however many years in order to scrape up some kind of a job in... I dunno... Aged care. Or something... You get the idea... It is pretty cool... Just a bit boggling... I have trouble with two variable relationships and things get pretty complicated pretty quick. I guess the idea is to try and grant the idealisations / simplifications... Focus... Be able to draw all the graphs from memory... All the graphs. ALL the graphs. ALL the freaking graphs.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2015, at 18:08:18
In reply to Re: perks, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2015, at 5:16:30
couple weeks till break and feeling kinda burned out.
I'm so sick of first year. I'm so sick of first years. Even the mature students amongst them... Since they aren't graduate students...
I'm sick of the dull-witted uncaring attitude. I'm sick of people delighting in their stupidity and ignorance. I'm sick of people being all, like 'omg this person was, like, so excited about that lecture, and I was, like, but omg it is so boring really, and then I set about to make them just as dumb and uninspired as me, because clearly being like me is the very best thing of all, dull and ininspired that I am'. I'm sick of the people who have internalised the 'fake it till you make it' idea so they somehow think that they belong... I'm sick of it... I'm sick of all of it...
I'm sick of activity books that are supposed to 'encourage us to think'. Because somehow filling in the blanks or coloring in is 'thinking' over in science. I'm sick of having to spend so much time doing 'busy-work' of finding bits of information from here there and everywhere and copying it down into someplace else in order to collate a comprehensive full set of notes... Which is all a precondition on my actually getting to lean it / to think about it. I'm sick of them thinking they know best how I learn that they fill up all my time doing stupid copy paste or fill in the blank exercises instead of giving me the f*ck*ng information they want me to learn and letting be f*ck*ng get on with it already.
I'm tired of being treated like a child. I suppose that is it, really.
We have a first year moot... For the first time. And so I got assigned a partner. She is really unbelievably dumb. I mean... Really, unbelievably dumb. I basically need to do the written submission myself since she doesn't get what to do. I suppose it is possible that she is playing dumb. I don't suppose there is much difference for a bunch of people out there... But it is f*ck*ng insufferably from my pov. We advance (or not) as a team. Oh joy.
I'm sick of it, already.
I spoke to the surgeon. It was hard to get a straight answer out of him... He decided that it was a 'fools errand' to get the rest of the screw out. He had the extraction equipment to do it. He had the time to do it. But he made the executive f*ck*ng decision that it was a fools errand to do that and so he didn't do it. I asked him whether he thought it was likely that it would break BEFORE the operation and he said something about how there may have been a crack in it visible on the x-ray (but that might have been his way of attempting to cover his *ss about his being a bit of an idiot in not figuring it likely would break there before the operation). He wasn't consistent with me about whether he thought it likely would break before-hand or not. But he certainly never mentioned to me beforehand about that. He never told me before-hand that he planned on stopping if it broke. Afterwards... He just thought that I wouldn't know any better. I suppose that's how he makes a living. Doing 'easy' operations. Lots of them. Unnecessary ones (since I'll need to find someone else now, to get the f*ck*ng rest of it).
I told him it wasn't his decision. That that's not what 'informed consent' means. He decided it wasn't worth it to... To whom, exactly? I made it f*ck*ng clear I wanted him to get it out. He should have told me he was only planning on doing a half *ss*d job and I wouldn't have let him anywhere near me.
F*ck*ng idiots. I'm so very tired of them.
There are people about... Only they get swamped by all the desparately needy people who won't leave them alone... The ones who are so needy they end up leaving or whatever anyway since they are so ill suited... But sure, drag down a few others with you on your way out...
I'm sick of the tragedy of commons situation that we have here. I'm sick of Maaori this and Maaori that wah wah wah we got f*ck*d over help us help us help us help us we won't help ourselves but help us help us help us. Or even don't even help us just whisper sweet sweet placebo to us to help us feel better that's what we need...
Maybe get a f*ck*ng dog.
I don't know what to say.
I feel pretty f*ck*ng grumpy with the world. Isolated. Everyone says this year really sucks because there are... Too f*ck*ng many people. Most of whom shouldn't f*ck*ng well be here. They think no harm or whatever to let them in... And of course it is people like me who get f*ck*d over because of that.
I am feeling burned out. Yeah. I guess I'm going to go to the gym. Then come back and do the rest of the f*ck*ng work on this moot so I don't make too much of an *ss of myself tomorrow...
Only 8 more weeks of first years. Whatever happens next.
(Med is actually slightly ambiguous since the situation is basically that they never envisaged that there could be a PhD student who decided not to - like me - which would mean they completed their degree more than 5 years ago - but weren't out of the habit of university study. In other words, they could consider this to be a full time year for me... Or not... I bet they will say I needed just one more paper this semester for that to happen...I'm sick of being f*ck*d over by people who don't f*ck*ng know the first thing about me. Who assume I speak sh*t because that's what most people do. Speak sh*t. Talk nonsense. Don't even f*ck*ng know themselves at all. I can't possibly be listened to about what is good for me...)
I'm going to the gym.
Not the university gym since it has been raining piss for a couple years now and nobody seems to think there is anything wrong with it. I'm sick of this toilet of a country.
Posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2015, at 23:29:34
In reply to Re: perks, posted by alexandra_k on August 15, 2015, at 18:08:18
I'm feeling better-ish.
Medsci is going great. I'm really enjoying it. A lot. It is really interesting. Different from psychology... And different from sportsci... But I'm really loving it, yeah. And the lecturers aren't idiots. Which is terrific. Because I'm not entirely sure how we've managed to manouver things so that there are a bunch of idiots taking charge of such things... But taking charge they have been given the power to. Here, there, and everyfreakingwhere... But I don't think I've encountered any over in medsi yet. So... Fingers crossed...
Fingers crossed... I do well enough to keep doing it... Because if I don't do really well in it... There isn't any point in keeping on doing it... Because opportunities... Go away... If you don't show that you can appropriately respond to their teaching.
Thus far... Fingers crossed, indeed. Because I'm really enjoying it, yeah. Really enjoying the content a lot. The subject matter (me! ha!) is just so interesting... Yeah :-)
:-)
Honestly...
:-)
What could be more interesting?
And the people who are interested in it... They are fitter and healthier than most people. And that is kinda cool, yeah. People who value that. I mean... Starting to value that... That's what drew me to it in the first place...
I think...
People are starting to get to know me, too. In a good way. Actually. Which is good. Because... I guess I've found my cohort. And a lot will drop out between now and next year... But my cohort is basically... The people who (also) got screwed over by 'Health Science' or the people who weren't well enough Secondary High School prepared to have done well enough in BioMed... The ones of us doing degrees... With as much MedSci as our workload can handle (given GPA requirements)... Eep...
Science....
Tis a weird and wonderful world...
And I suspect we'll all basically be okay... The ones of us who love it enough to stick with it. And the ones who don't... Will largely drop out at the end of this year... And the ones who really aren't smart enough... Will probably be gone the one after... And the remainder... I think we'll probably be okay... Then a bunch of medschool will basically be revision. Which will be just as well... For all the new content that they'll be throwing at us... Yeah. I think I get it...
3 year's for pre-clinical... 2 after the first year that this year is... Then clinical. Really? Are you quite sure? Then only 2 years of that... Before you are 6th year... Which makes you a student... But also a junior.... Actually earning a (pitiful admittedly) living stipend... Not being allowed to order tests or write prescriptions (fairly sure) but being the only person in the actual f*ck*ng ward for periods of time... You really wanna call the person on call? You really wanna??? Holy crap...
Anyway...
Medsci is fun, yeah. And I am working really hard at it. So... Keep your fingers crossed for me... And law is going okay, too. It is kinda boring... But it's not laws fault it is all reading and writing... Reading and writing... The moot was good for the seminar / oral / court aspect of that. Yeah. That's what makes (the thought of it / it) fun. My partner really (genuinely) was a lovely person. But she also was not the brightest. I don't know if she will get a place in law, or not. I think we are struggling, honestly. I mean... Politicians need to have law background so they know how to write law. And government advisors also need law background so they know how to advise how law should be written... And then you need judges... And you need lawyers... And you have a population around the size of the state of North Carolina... Who has only had the confidence to be making it's own laws for the past 30 years or something (because, lets face it, England would surely love to let it's colonies go)... We have only had a supreme court... Really f*ck*ng recent... Privacy law has started to go the way of US which is historic given our historic allegance to UK law... But we don't have a constitution... So no f*ck*ng rights engrained... But given our tragedy of commons...
F*ck. I really might end up with law and medicine... Which would be great... Honestly... But at some point.. I'm scared people will be like 'too old'. 'Too old. We not gonna train / teach you'. It helps that I'm female... It makes it... Not creepy. I think guys who study forever... There is a creepy aspect even when they aren't creepy.... But anyway... I hope I get to do med before I die. But I would also like to do law... Yeah...
It would be nice to stay here and make this country better. Help make it better.
I would like... My own space. I don't feel like this is my own. I worry about who owns this building. And I worry about what my digital TV is broadcasting to the folks all around the world...
Yeah.
Dr Bob... Have you moved to Hawaii yet? Did you manage to make much money off this site? I just wonder because of all hte money some people make from getting lots of hits from their youtube videos and stuff... I don't you didn't (much) sell out to google advertising... But did you make a fortune on what you did sell out to them? Or did the pharma people employ reps to 'troll' (probably not the word) the meds board... To get people beliving in whatever was most expensive... I guess their ain't sh*t that you could have done about that... Even if you had ISPs... Whatever...
I miss you Dr Bob. There aren't many people in the world who... Surprise me. Or something. I don't know. Anyway. Thanks for Babble. Even if it is largely done now. Thanks for having done it. Yeah. I miss you, Dr Bob.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 11, 2015, at 1:14:10
In reply to better-ish, posted by alexandra_k on August 20, 2015, at 23:29:34
I'm losing my hair. It is freaking me out. I've shed crazy amounts of hair since forever. I remember going through a bit of a phase when I was 16, thinking that I must be going bald, the amount I collected off surfaces and out of the shower... Well, it's kept on, over the years, and now... Tis true. I actually am. I don't think anybody else would notice, yet, but it has decidedly thinned all over. And my parting right at the front is starting to widen. I really am going bald.
Cries.
I actually went to my GP about it a couple weeks ago. Got hormone levels checked. Normal. She suggested a progesterone pill because apparently my progesterone levels were low... Mumble mumble something about maybe depending on when I am in my cycle... That I'm probably not ovulating... Only... I'm fairly sure that I am. Get a little pain around them sometimes... Fairly sure that I am...
I had a bit of a look online and there is a 5-alpha reductase inhibitor that is funded over here. Of course they mean for it to be for benign prostate enlargement... But, meh, I'm been on all kindsa psych meds that weren't exactly supposed to be for peops like me, anyways, so whats the freaking difference? There were a couple of Aussie studies about it helping women with normal levels of androgens... I wanna try.
Have you heard of the 'extreme male brain' theory of Autistic Spectrum? Wouldn't it be funny (strange not funny haha) if this actually helped more broadly? To... Soften me. Or something...
I went on that skin one for a while... Vitamin A... My skin changed heaps. The quality of it changed. My pores shrunk and it softened and smoothed out. And I stopped producing so much ear wax, ha. And I think... I sweat less. In a good way. Then I got scared about my mood. Which was probably unrelated... But I stopped taking it. And things gradually reverted back. I regret not finishing it... It really did help. I wonder (I didn't think at the time) but I wonder what effect it had on hair...
I wonder what effect this will have? Does DHT have effects on the brain? Course it does... Hur...
Please oh please oh please let my hair grow back to the unruly mess it was before. cries.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2015, at 23:33:17
In reply to Re: better-ish, posted by alexandra_k on September 11, 2015, at 1:14:10
I got an A+ ha! Finally! I hope I get to keep it! MEDSCI, yay!!!!!
We are doing bones. Yay. Finally, again :-)
I am taking this medication... It lowers blood pressure... Diuretic... You lose salt... Side effect is anti androgenic. Will take it for 6 months and see... If it doesn't work then it seems that off to the endocrinologist I go... Finesteride, or something. Yeah. But 4% have liver problems so...
So happy so happy so happy about my test, yay. Only about 100 of us... In a class of around 1,300. Phew. I feel f*ck*ng relieved, actually. Really worried about the exam, though. Like... Draw a bunch of heart graphs from memory...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 28, 2015, at 16:33:50
In reply to Re: better-ish, posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2015, at 23:33:17
weird thing happened at the boundary of waking and imagining.
i sit up the front to one side in class which makes me salient. yes. not imaginary. they run the lecture in 2 streams and once before i went to both (to hear the lecture again) and the lecturer noticed me and called me out on it 'weren't you here this morning?' 'yes... but there are empty seats!' part of the salience is because i'm older and i try and sit by myself (or with a free seat to the sides of me) whereas last semester particularly the 18 year olds sort of huddled together in clumps and avoided the first few rows like the plague.
anyway... i thought i saw one of my very early psychologists there before class. sort of pottering about before lecture started with the lecturer. i remember her name. i think she was the very first psychologist i had when i went to hospital for the first time. i don't have notes for that period. something happened and they told me they lost my very first / earliest file. so i don't have anything from then. pretty hazy... i just remember i said to her (after i saw her a couple times) that i didn't feel like we were really doing anything together... didn't she have hard questions or something for me to try and get at what was wrong... and she said that the idea was to get me stable so i could get out of hospital. that i was too fragile for anything else.
i just remember that. that i really wanted to talk to her... that i wanted to let her know what was wrong. what was wrong, really. but she... didn't seem to think that that would be a good idea.but maybe i misremember.
anyhow... there she was. pretty sure. and i recognised her. and they (her and the lecturer) noticed me recognise her.
and that was all.
i was a bit like 'oh noes'. like i'd been caught with my hand in the cookie jar.
i suppose i forget how close where i was really is... the psychologist who terminated me... i had a look... she's the head psychologist there, now. a lot of the people are still the same...
anyway... my very first hospitalisation... happened the start of my second year. i did really well in my first year and then lots of pressure to do well in my second and i fell apart after the first lot of tests (turns out i did well in them). of course there was a lot more going on.... my relationship at the time... that was what it was really about. because i wanted out of that. but because i also wanted to succeed. because i didn't know whether i could succeed as well as that without her. anyway... i did well in that first medsci test. yay. finally. so now... time will tell, i suppose.
it is possible that i can apply after one full time year. Otherwise I'll need to take two more years to finish BSc.
I'm pretty sure now that what I mostly want to do is anatomy. Physiology... Not so much. Too mathsy / engineering. I like the anatomy more. And the qualitative story about what happens. Cells are pretty cool as well. The different types and how they migrate about... Anyway... We don't do an anatomy degree... I asked about that.. Apparently it is because they are expensive. Need to do medicine to do anatomy. Or histology, even. Expensive... I do really want to do it. I guess maybe they just need some more time to see that I'll likely stay stable enough to get through the degree. And maybe they are a bit curious about my actual motivation etc (I suppose around the time I started my PhD I was sort of thinking to do psychiatry -- probably for wrong reasons).
Anyway... Not sure what I'm saying. Was odd. To see her.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2015, at 15:52:30
In reply to Re: better-ish, posted by alexandra_k on September 28, 2015, at 16:33:50
oh. and my UMAT test score came back. i did alright, i suppose. i mean, i was a little disappointed, but i'm hearing of people who are A/A+ students this year who did worse on the science and on the maths section, even. (Not maths - apparently it is most useful for histology stuff... Patterns...) I got in the top 90 percentile for verbal. Not as well in the other sections. I got, like, two marks short of the cut-off for some of the Australian major universities med schools on the maths / picture completion section. Which, considering it was my first shot ever at it and I didn't work my way through all of the official prep material is... Pretty f*ck*ng great, really. And I didn't do so badly on the first section (mostly graph reading) as I feared I might.
It's not a deal breaker, in other words. I'm actually feasible. And doing that well on the medsci test... Apparently some people just don't seem able to crack the multi-guess thing. I didn't for biosci last semester. Walked out thinking maybe 3 or 4 wrong... Finding out it was more like 3/4 wrong... More than that, even. Things feel back on track with medsci... I have a better (more accurate) self-assessment. When I get them wrong I can come to understand why I got them wrong and I've learned something about how they think that will help me do better in future.
I worry about whether I can keep it up with a full time workload. One thing to be doing well now, when I'm only doing 2 classes... How will I go with 4? I guess that is the whole idea of 'the same and a bit more' repetition of content. Looks like one of the courses next year goes into a lot of muscle / bone / joint anatomy. So I'll do a first year sportsci anatomy course at the same time and there will be a lot of overlap of content. We have to do neurobiology for medsci and psychology offers neurobiology, too. That seems to be the idea... The volume of information accumulates, for sure, but the amount of study time you need to devote to learning it decreases with repetitions.
Apparently med school is organised into modules. Here, anyway. Fairly short module / intensive and then you get tested and then you move to the next. So... Focus on one thing then move onto the next thing. Much better for me than trying to juggle a bunch of things working up to lots of exams at the end of the year. I really might get to do this... I don't know... So much discretion built in... I don't know... At least I feel like I've found my people a bit with medsci. And good people to have found, too. I've also found a bunch of course reviews for the course I had trouble with and lots of studnets have been complaining about it for years now. I really will follow up on that. Legal action. F*ck*d me over. And who knows how many other people. It really isn't good enough. The whims of bullys... In the name of equity... I really don't think so...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2015, at 16:28:04
In reply to Re: better-ish, posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2015, at 15:52:30
So then she went and there were a couple guys right up the front. Standing around before the lecture. One of them looked suspiciously like my old t / p-doc from Aussie. So I didn't look properly, of course. Because if it really was him... That would be just too damned bizarre.
What are they (is me) trying to tell me?
I don't think I wanted to do psychiatry for the wrong reasons. I do think that I wouldn't have been able to last very long at it. How come? Because damn near everybody else didn't last very long at it, either. So damned underfunded... Such need... There has been a stream of p-docs from there... Turns out they don't have any qualifications (they are fraudsters, basically). I think it really is THAT HARD to recruit people to the region. And they practice for ages before getting caught, too. And they get caught for things like... Well... The last guy... Sounds like he got in trouble for admitting someone when he was supposed to release them. I know people think that is horrible - given past abuses of psychiatry. But once you understand the typical housing situation in this country and so on... Most likely he got into trouble for trying to treat someone that the more senior people had decided to give up on. Or something... I don't know... I do know nobody in their right mind would want to be a p-doc for that district health board. Fairly sure. And I wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes. That's for sure. Even though most of the people (p-docs) have moved along now... The situation is still much the same.
There are so many cool sounding things... Radiology, too. Maybe I should do that physics paper... And more cell biology... I just really found that the medsci part of biosci was great (the lecturers, the content) and the biology people... I don't get them. I don't get their multi-guess. I don't like their labs. I don't like the instructions on their labs... I don't mesh at all. Maybe it is a first year artifact and things get better next year? I feel like they screwed me over a little with throwing so much content at us in such a short space that was secondary school based. Instead of scattering it a bit to give the rest of us a chance... And they tested us on things they hadn't taught us (some of those I got right because of not having a standard background - but I still don't think that is particularly fair). I don't know. I don't know. I would like to do more mechanics... But a bad physics / chemistry / biology person... My interest isn't resilient enough to cope, particularly. I don't know.
The whole DID thing... I wonder if that will come out to haunt me at some point. Whether it is haunting me already. Hard to tell online.. But seems to me that some people are getting graduate entry places on the basis of degrees done overseas... Or NZ degrees done more than 5 years ago. So why not me? People are getting told to have a reduced workload to prepare and only B average. So why didn't they think I'd get through on that? Maybe it is because I'm not 'I want to be a GP in a rural community'. Maybe that is it. I don't quite understand how many places really are left after they've given the places to the doctors kids... And the academics kids... I don't know. The kids whose parents have invested a lot in their education... How many then? The equity places... Nobody will notice you aren't giving them any treatment at all so long as you are nice. That's what really matters, of course. Being nice.
Anyway... I got sick. Pretty bad. Still recovering. F*ck*d up the musculoskeletal lab. Somehow I convinced myself that they didnt' really expect us to learn the chicken leg muscles and so on... And of course, they did. Only 1 month till exams. Law the morning of medsci. Cries. Couldn't be worse for exam scheduling. And not multiguess. We need to be able to draw flow charts and stuff. And it is really unclear how much detail they want / expect. We don't have model answers. Sort of. Anyway... A bit afraid I may bomb the exam. Anyway... Just keep on trucking...
I hope they let me apply from the end of next year. I'm.... Really ambivalent about staying here for 3rd year since... I'm not that into any of the 3rd year papers they offer. Anatomy goes away after next year it seems. Of course the OTHER uni (down south) offers anatomy major. And they do human limb dissection 3rd year. If I move down there... FFs... Getting a bit tired...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2015, at 17:13:20
In reply to Re: better-ish, posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2015, at 16:28:04
at some point there was this thing about 'work for the dole'. they were going to make people on the dole do volunteer work, or something.
it didn't happen.
what they didn't tell us:
it didn't happen because we can't organise our way out of a paper bag. for all the management degrees we give people... we can't organise people into any kind of meaningful activity.
growing food in local community centres.
building houses for all the overcrowding.
putting in insulation.
painting things / planting trees / city beautification.for all the people we have on welfare...
for all the tv sets we give them so their children are sufficiently entertained...it breaks your heart.
but what can you do? what can be done?
i can't function in this environment. a lot of people can't. i think that is the thing about when you go away... you see how things could be... then you come back. and despair.
and occasionally people say 'stay and help make things better then'.
and the problem is... LET ME then. and people don't. people simply refuse to acknowledge (they simply don't seem capable of seeing) the skills that those people come back with. they don't let those people employ their skills in making things better.
so what's to be done?
i guess some people do adjust back / aclimitise.
our health professionals... go to australia if they care about clinical competence. i think that is the thing. there are the doctors who will serve the interests of local communities... and there are the doctors who will go to australia and develop clinical competence. then they'll come back and try and get a little clinical competence going on... and they will discover that clinical competence isn't valued here. they will discover that the local community students will effectively prevent the students who are capable of learning to be clinically competent from actually acquiring clinical competency... and the person will become bitter and disillusioned and then most probably piss off overseas in order to get to practice what it is that they are good at / can offer the world. it isn't about the money...
though they pay more because they value it more, tis true. but it is about the value...
i would like to talk to the best people we have here. why they stay.
oh yeah... it is about things like.. my husband is deeply embedded in club rugby.
i think... they won't let me. the places are for... their kids. that's the idea.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 12, 2015, at 17:16:36
In reply to Re: better-ish, posted by alexandra_k on October 6, 2015, at 17:13:20
I think it is probably true that we don't have the skilled senior people that we need. So then we have unsuitable / not entirely competent people who have been given positions of power because we haven't had those senior people. And then they jealously guard their positions of power. So when people who are skilled and senior come along... They are more likely to get turned on by the others. Or when people seem to show genuine talent or ability... They are more likely to get turned on. It has become about placating those incompetent people appropriately so that they choose to let you learn or work or whatever. The problem is that it is unending... On and on and on... You spend so much time placating the people who weren't doing their jobs that you can't get on and do the job either. 'helping' they were / are. mmm hmm.
Are there protected islands? Not sure. Think the idea seems to be... To get out. To get out if you can.
I think biology might be like that here. That's why 20% of the course was based on our labs... Why the laboratory senior students / demonstrators knew the questions / answers etc. So that there was a 20% discretionary component on how well you sucked up to them / extracted the answers from them / got them to check your work. You can lose one grade... Two grades... Because they decide (fairly much on a whim) that they don't like you. Unless you have a critical mass of students to back you / cross check your work against / employ a bully tactic with.
Combine that with multiple choice assessment that I don't seem able to break about a B- or a B on (where my intuitions about how well I've done simply don't track how well I've done)... And it looks like biology is not for me. Where they are more concerned about 'protecting the integrity of the test' than they are in helping you learn (e.g., they simply will not allow you to have a closed viewing or attempt to teach you how to get better at multi-guess). I do find it odd that I'm not better at them... I can get full marks for the same section that is short answer / diagram... I don't have trouble with psychology multiple choice or medical science multiple choice... I didn't have trouble with the biology textbook online multiple choice... Shame... I did like stuff about cells...
I didn't realise why people thought luck (and stuff like that) played such a big part of things...
Why?
Why are we determined not to make the world as good a place as we can? Why are people so freaking selfish?
People skills are a necessary precondition on your getting to do anything here. Not people skills as in your ability to understand and comprehend an english literature novel. Not people skills as in your ability to employ relatively sophisticated theory of mind with respect to people's motivations or intentions or whatever. People skills as in soap opera dynamics. People skills as in your ability to go 'coo coo coo' and have people believe that you think they are the loveliest loveliest loveliest loveliest loveliest loveliest thing in the whole wide world... And if you are sufficiently compelling at that... They might actually let you get on with your job / refrain from bullying you.
I don't play that game. I do have autistic spectrum here. Tis true. Took a recent arrival doc to see it. British trained. Of course. He'd be facing it... In the health system (lolz). Seems to attract them (because we have a local medial drama that gets people wanting jobs in health thinking that jobs in health will involve soap opera dynamics all day and sick people who are fairly powerless thus will probably learn to coo coo coo coo coo at you...)
I don't like who I am becoming. Here. Things are starting to get better. I think that is it. Protected environment. A little like hospital. Need to make sure one doesn't collapse with the protected environment. Next year... Class sizes down to about 200. Then down to about 60 for third year... Seems that the teaching quality isn't hard and fast divided between the medical school (medical students) proper and the medical science / physiology people. People teach in both. And the real cull is from this year with all the soap opera people. Will have more of the academic / science people... I knew quite a few people who voluntarily switched out of med and into science after a couple weeks med... When they were young... It will be okay. But I think I'll need to go back to psychology (to support medical science / physiology) and keep my fingers crossed it hasn't gone the way of biology here... Take some advice on more senior biology (could be biology's special way of placating a bunch of first year people / trying to boost enrolments on keeping students for an additional year who would leave the university / subject otherwise). It could well be that they have decided that biology / psychology will be the 'equity degree' option, or whatever... I don't know...
How did they manage not to wreck the GPA of the charmed circle of students? That's what I'd like to know... Population Health, too... Since there wasn't rhyme nor reason in their multiple guess (mostly next to impossible to parse)... Or have my intuitions deviated so very far from those of the kids from the elite schools? I think they decide that the right answer is whatever those kids think that it is... Pretty sure that's how they do that... Pretty sure...
Thank God the Australian Medical Council doesn't seem to have gone that way... And if we want our doctors to have registration between NZ and Australia then they get something of a say in entry exams and medical school exams. And the medical school exams... Well... Well designed and properly assessed. Not throw them down the stairs or marks for sucking up... Thank god. Not sure how they get the suck ups through... I guess the real thing is about what placement positions you get. And whether your application to specialise / work in different areas of medicine / work in different places gets accepted. Not all PhD's are equal when it come to any of that. I'd imagine not all medical grads are equal, either.
Seeing it this way makes me feel a lot happier about taking another couple years to spend on the science aspects of the content. Seeing it that way. Then when they decide to crap up a bunch of time learning about how you don't touch people on the head and about how the solution to the titanic dilemma is escalators... Installing escalators in the name of equity is the right thing to do (big eyes -- if they are big enough and the stare is vacant enough that is like the power of a mathematical proof, that is) and then grade people on their essay that isn't an essay that is graded on your ability to get them to believe that you have embraced the spirit of escalators in words of two syllables or less in conjunction with their having thrown them up the stairs and given you a worse grade for being white or an even worse grade for being asian... Tis the kiwi way... Wouldn't be equitable otherwise...
Then I won't get so very far behind on my anatomy. Since I'll have learned some already.
Mostly my worry is... That I'm not getting any younger. I know I do alright on longer interviews when they get the chance to actually get to know me a bit (over a half hour or whatever). They get to see that i'm coherent and intelligent and so on... But of course they have replaced the proper interview (too expensive) with something more akin to speed dating. And you only get 2 minutes with interviewers (because the kiwi way seems to be to reward any kind of bias or preconception or superficiality that there is. because we like to totally ignore all the literature there is on how such things reflect stereotypes etc). Health is *special*. Public acceptability... The other med school went with (mostly) opinions of elders. That is good for me because older people are sensible. Here... I'm not sure on the range. More of a range, I think. For better or worse. Younger academics. Good for me. Not sure who else.
The older thing will disadvantage me in a speed dating kind of a setup. I am worried about that. The superficial appearance thing seems much more important. And to think that they might be judging me on how they think that the unhealthy people in NZ society will be judging me... Anyway... That is my worry about... Delay... I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to suck up some of it if I get into medical school... I suspect there is a bunch of discretion about various things... How much they lean on people because here there and every freaking where people take an intense dislike (for whatever reason) and decide to fail. So... The ability to be inconspicuous in the middle of the herd... The children have indeed been trained to huddle... I don't know.. Perhaps this is backwards (it isn't really) but you need into medicine in order to get to learn stuff. Training is expensive (wouldn't be the kiwi way if we didn't cry about how expensive everything was all the time). And, of course, we must devote considerable resources to trying to educate people who don't even want to be educated. Such that we don't have enough to educate the people who do. Like health over again.
I don't know what is happening with my hair. It is decidedly thinning. I've started being much more aware of hairlines generally. i'm noticing that an awful lot of women in their 40's or whatever seem to have a slighly receded hairline. Talking about on tv etc. Maybe it will just sort of stay about where it it. I guess I just envisage that it will continue on at the same rate... And that I'll be noticably baldish in a few months... I guess the difference may well be that they got treatment. They probably don't have the broader pattern that I do (that is cheaper for doctors to be trained to not notice). Not helping with teh public acceptability thing at all. Of course I get that patients actually won't give a sh*t. But that is the dopey kind of thing that will likely impact on interviewers in a speed dating situation... I would suppose... Or perhaps I'm psychologically funny about it... Seems that most people are... With all the stuff about it... I was always surprised before with guys at how it really did seem to get at their self esteem... But Bruce Willis... And it really wasn't anything of a deal to me at all. I didn't understand why it bugged them. Not until it happens to you. Only *I'm a girl*. Not the same thing, not the same thing at all. Point being... Cometic, apparently. People are dying of self inflicted diabetes and so on, didn't I know? I'll be lucky if I get in in the next 6 months. Endocrinology. Dermatology? Forget about it. They're too busy waiting for people to become terminal with skin cancer so that nothing can be done...
I suppose I'll need to think about head scarves at some point... Figure something out. Want to avoid the closed breatheren look (guess I will in virtue of it not being long at the back). I do like the idea of headscarves... But we are a bit funny about them here (of course). Need to look into more athletic ones, I suppose... Which is starting to happen now... I'm not entirely sure what to do... My hair has always been weird and unruly (very fine but lots of it) only now... The follicles are shutting down... Not getting any greyer (and not actually very grey at all) but that's because it is simply falling out... Sigh. I wouldn't care... But public acceptability. If I ever want to get to do anatomy properly (which I do) then I need into medical school. And there it is.
I really don't know that they will let me here. Coo. Just not so good at that. And autistic spectrum? Yeah... Good luck with that.
I need the academic people to back me for me to have any hope at all. I guess that's the thing, really. So... Another couple years. Then I'll have a herd to make sure the equity people don't fail me in the name of equity (since the equity people would have smothered me once they realised i wasn't going to coo... once they realise I go rigid when people grab at me)... I guess I'll have to see about the academic people. See how much power they have compared to those other components. The equity thing... Tis designed to help with the academic component. But it isn't the academic component that I need help with (so long as we are talking about actual academics rather than the infiltrators)... I did remember seeing something about a guy in his early / mid fourties who started medical school in the US... Of course I see now that the difference is that he would have paid for that himself - whereas here any student can chuck any course on their student loan (though of course you do contribute more for certain degrees) but the real thing is: The government contributes a whole heap of money besides that. And the number of places / hence graduated number of people who are qualified is limited. And public acceptance on non-english speaking docs is low. And english speaking docs (who are qualified) don't want to come here... So... Then, of course, the docs don't want their kids places to be bonded because they want their kids to have the opportunity to get to practice cilnical competence someplace that cares abotu that (e.g., Australia). And they don't want to bond any of the places because if they start offering bonded places then there will be a push to increase the number of bonded places and before we know it we'll be stuck with 'there there, coo coo, feel better' and what the crap will happen when the government workers / academics get sick? There are limits on how many / how fast we can get people to Australia...
conflict between bill of rights and the treaty. international interests and local community interests (narrowly conceived). i hate here because.... it is making me feel racist. i need to remember that where i was before... little bit further south... they surely had a lot of nasty to say about the urbanised people up here who got stuff back in the name of equity and used that to screw the rest of them over... the people crying out for stuff in the name of equity... most of their own people don't accept them. not sure who gave them the power to choose the future equity trained kids when their own people don't accept the choosers... damned mess. those with power got it by 'stepping up!' and 'getting in there!' and bullying and conning their way about... and now they are there are are careful to pick those who will support them. that isn't the maaori way, at all. i need to remember that. tiny subset of them... the worst of them in many respects... having to contend with them... the students say they are disappointed because they thought they would learn stuff... but the curriculum doesn't have any substance. some of teh stuff is great - but applies to cultural sensitivity far more broadly. and a lot of it is nonsense that they want you to spout because they want to select for your ability to spout their nonsense just because they told you to spout it. practicing is something else... most of the actual people don't give a crap about their politics etc. they don't want whatever it is that the others are selecting for... what to do? leave them to it as much as possible. could spend ones life... what?? cooing at them... the advantaged ones. sigh.
ugh.
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