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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Enigma on December 28, 2008, at 13:54:05
Long story short, I'm male, 39 years old.
I do not (no longer) have any ties to my HS friends, college friends, ex-coworkers and so on.The only "friends" I was able to develop (in the past few years) was from working at different companies, or so I thought. Over time, each one of these people, you learn the hard way, only cares about you because you are forced together by some mutual means, like work, in this case.
After I leave each company, each "friend" I thought I had there loses touch with you. They can't even be bothered to leave you an email asking if you are ok (I have depression) or just to say hi (even those that are all software engineers and are on a pc ALL DAY long).
I have sent emails to them on the order of 10 to 1. I'm sick of it and I'm done with it. They can go jump off a cliff as far as I'm concerned.
I'm soooo sick of their constant excuses and their blatant lies!. "Yeah, we'll get together at xx date, then they never respond again", and so many other promises. That's all I get from them nowadays.Why does this happen? Why is "out of sight, out of mind", so sickningly accurate?
We used to all go out and have the BEST times. So, why would these people not want to continue doing that? As an engineer, that's the question I just can't get past.
I don't think they are bored of me (if you knew me, that's pretty much impossible), but I guess it's always an option. I've been told that I'm the life of the party by my ex-coworkers. If not for me, 1/2 the outings we have would have quite literally sucked. Sounds cocky, but it's true.
Now, all my ex-coworker relationships have fizzled and I STILL want to go out and party (drink, go to bars, listen to bands). I have tried going out alone and I hate it. I feel like such a loser there all alone. I've tried to meet people, which has gone 50/50, but they're only good for that night only. No long lasting friends.
I'm so alone (even with my wife and 3 kids).. I NEED a couple good friends. Why is that so much to ask, so hard to find??
Posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2008, at 12:50:11
In reply to Longterm friendships, why so rare?, posted by Enigma on December 28, 2008, at 13:54:05
Do you consider your wife a friend. My friends are always my partners. At days end that is who I want to be with. That's me. Phillipa
Posted by Enigma on December 29, 2008, at 14:12:29
In reply to Re: Longterm friendships, why so rare? » Enigma, posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2008, at 12:50:11
> Do you consider your wife a friend. My friends are always my partners. At days end that is who I want to be with. That's me. Phillipa
Hey Phillipa, long time no talk.
Yes, my wife is my best friend, but, as a guy, I just need some guy friends. My wife is lucky as she has a cousin the same age, and her cousin has a bunch of friends that go out and do the girl-talk stuff. Same thing I'm looking for, but with guy-friends.
Back in the day, when my depression wasn't so bad, I was working, and at least I had a bunch of guys that liked to go out and drink and such. When I went on disability for depression, and ended up losing my job, I pretty much lost all those "friends" too, for one reason or another.
I'm ridiculously lonely for some guy friends. The ex-coworkers which I mistakenly called friends, weren't really friends. After I left the company, each "friend" stopped contacting me, no matter how hard I tried to keep in touch with them. I gave up on pretty much all of them. They didn't even pop me an email once in a while asking how my depression was. Pathetic. I could commit suicide, and they wouldn't have the slightest clue for 6 months to a year. Hmm, can't stop ranting... they just let me down so many times, i've lost count.
Now I have this New Years Eve party to go to, but I'm so down, I really don't want to go. Now, my wife doesn't want to go alone, so I'm in a real bind. The party is full of people who are mainly friends of relatives, so I don't have any "real" friends there... meaning, "my" own friends. It's only through my wife that I even know them. I hope my mood improves so I can go.
Posted by Sigismund on December 29, 2008, at 19:25:18
In reply to Re: Longterm friendships, why so rare?, posted by Enigma on December 29, 2008, at 14:12:29
>I hope my mood improves so I can go
That's the problem with parties....one's mood so rarely does, especially as you're walking in.
Parties are particularly difficult. The type of communication there causes me intense pain.
All so breezy and superficial....one longs for something educational, or (failing that) some old fashioned drug abuse.Part of the problem is age related. Young people are hugely gregarious and it falls off as you get older.
I think it's something in our culture actually (something wrong), but that's not of much help.
Posted by Enigma on December 29, 2008, at 19:47:59
In reply to Re: Longterm friendships, why so rare?, posted by Sigismund on December 29, 2008, at 19:25:18
> >I hope my mood improves so I can go
>
> That's the problem with parties....one's mood so rarely does, especially as you're walking in.
>
> Parties are particularly difficult. The type of communication there causes me intense pain.
> All so breezy and superficial....one longs for something educational, or (failing that) some old fashioned drug abuse.I usually do ok at parties (I only go to a few a year), and I'll either just crack sarcastic jokes, or attempt to have a "real" conversation with someone. Unfortunately, the latter doesn't go over too well at New Years Eve parties.
Almost everyone there is going to be "super happy", as it's New Years, except me. I don't know if I'm going to be able to fake it.
Lately I've been severely down. I can't seem to snap out of it - I'm in bed much of the day. I take Nardil which only works about 50% for me (it just stops the suicidal thoughts, and doesn't do much else), and I take seroquel to sleep, otherwise, I toss and turn all night long and can't get a lick of sleep.
This particular party, for some reason, is causing me a great deal of stress/pain. It's a dance party, primarily, and I don't dance. I was just gonna drink myself drunk. If my mood is bad, I'm afraid I'll get drunk, wander off to the car, and crank some music I like and possible shed a tear or two.
Then if anyone notices, some drunks might come over to the car and try to make me feel better (which won't work), and then I'll feel like I'm ruining the party.
> Part of the problem is age related. Young people are hugely gregarious and it falls off as you get older.
> I think it's something in our culture actually (something wrong), but that's not of much help.I agree that it's part of our culture, as I'm Turkish, and have been to Turkey many times. I make friends there immediately, and they are the true, quality type of friends. I know some other cultures that have some similar aspects to long-term friendships.
I wonder what would happen if I lived in the Southern parts of the U.S. I'm in NH now.
Posted by Phillipa on December 29, 2008, at 20:03:36
In reply to Re: Longterm friendships, why so rare?, posted by Enigma on December 29, 2008, at 19:47:59
I'm in NC and I see more interraction between wives, husbands and especially kids than CT. Phillipa ps don't like parties either. Did when drank
Posted by Sigismund on December 30, 2008, at 17:07:07
In reply to Re: Longterm friendships, why so rare?, posted by Enigma on December 29, 2008, at 19:47:59
Dance parties?
Well, yes. They are a worry to me too. I read somewhere that there were 2 types of music: religious music and dance music, and never knew about this terrible dance music until 20 years ago. We used to listen to music to find enlightenment, which came via the mind rather than the body, which suited me down to the ground.
I have always wanted to visit Turkey and that part of the world.....Syria, Armenia, and the Black Sea.
One of my favourite books is
"Black Sea" by Neil Ascherson
Posted by Enigma on December 30, 2008, at 19:39:59
In reply to Re: Longterm friendships, why so rare?, posted by Sigismund on December 30, 2008, at 17:07:07
> Dance parties?
>
> Well, yes. They are a worry to me too. I read somewhere that there were 2 types of music: religious music and dance music, and never knew about this terrible dance music until 20 years ago. We used to listen to music to find enlightenment, which came via the mind rather than the body, which suited me down to the ground.
>
> I have always wanted to visit Turkey and that part of the world.....Syria, Armenia, and the Black Sea.
>
> One of my favourite books is
> "Black Sea" by Neil AschersonMost likely, they'll be playing music I hate.. That's what my mp3 player is for. If I feel lousy, I'll head to the car and jam a little, then head back.
I took 2 more Nardil and I'm feeling better, but still not great, but enough to go to the party, I think.... We'll see tomorrow. I'm bi-polar, so I could easily have another mood swing to the dark side by then. Another problem is, I seem to be able to drink on 4 nardil, but on 6 I get sick. So, if I can't drink at a New Years Eve party, what's the point? (I'm an avid social drinker)The Black Sea is actually quite amazing. I stayed in Saudi Arabia for a month (talk about a culture shock) about 15 years ago and went skin diving there at some desolate off the road beach. The water was as tropical as any Caribbean island. The place was we went was untouched by tourists too, it was amazing. I was depression-free in those days.
This is the end of the thread.
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