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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by caraher on August 15, 2007, at 16:19:43
texaschic's thread about the "you would be gorgeous" remark and something that happened to me today are prompting this.
First, I should say that I never in real life compliment any woman other than my wife on her appearance. There are many reasons for this (beyond the desire to avoid the wrath of a jealous spouse). These include general shyness and some of my own self-image problems (to comment on appearance creates the opportunity for a return comment, which might be either negative or insincere - motivated by a kindhearted desire not to hurt my feelings and which isn't much better). And who am I to remark on someone else? It seems presumptuous; the other person doesn't exist for my own visual gratification, right?
Anyway, this morning I was on my way out of the local hospital's blood drawing station. In the hallway was an older woman (I'll guess about age 60) with a walker who seemed to be struggling to open the door. I asked if she was trying to go in and held the door open for her. As I passed by her eyes swept up from the doorknob to my face and, in an offhand way, she said, "You're good looking." It sounded like a factual statement akin to remarking "Looks like rain" upon seeing dark clouds outside.
I don't think I've ever had a complete stranger compliment my appearance like that. And it was OK; under the circumstances it wasn't an invitation to start a conversation, just something said in passing, and I was able not to think myself into endless second-guessing about what I should have said in return. And I only did a limited amount of useless internal analysis of her statement itself (my main "discount the positive" thought was that her vision was colored by my holding the door for her - hardly the stuff of fueling thoughts of worthlessness).
So I guess (continuing my hobby of second-guessing myself) I wonder about my usual policy of not mentioning appearance. To what extent should I loosen up a bit and say something from time to time? I think I'm savvy enough to avoid crossing the line from complimentary to creepy. But I still habitually refrain from saying anything... I guess I also tend to feel like a compliment from me is meaningless or even repulsive (because of the source). But that doesn't really square with my limited experience on the receiving end.
Posted by fayeroe on August 15, 2007, at 18:28:26
In reply to compliments on appearance, posted by caraher on August 15, 2007, at 16:19:43
first, i think it is really cool that she did that. and i believe she meant it.
i was up at Ft. Hood recently and i asked a man for directions. after he gave me very clear ones, i told him that he had beautiful blue eyes. he lit up like a Christmas tree and said "thank you, ever so much"!!!! we were both happy!!!
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 15, 2007, at 19:21:12
In reply to Re: compliments on appearance » caraher, posted by fayeroe on August 15, 2007, at 18:28:26
Hi Caraher,
I bet that you could make the right person's day by a carefully placed compliment.Personally, I cannot accept them. I've gotten compliments (on personal appearance) that were far more toxic than the worst disparaging remark ever.
Those are my issues though. I actually brought this up in therapy last week, because I'm on a diet and have lost weight and feel more conspicuous than usual. It's pretty terrifying.
Given the right circumstances, though, even I could accept a compliment on the earrings I was wearing or on my cute new shoes. depends, though.
-Ll
Posted by Gabbi-2 on August 15, 2007, at 19:31:28
In reply to compliments on appearance, posted by caraher on August 15, 2007, at 16:19:43
> And who am I to remark on someone else? It seems presumptuous; the other person doesn't exist for my own visual gratification, right?
This is where my brain has a problem (well, one of the places)
I totally agree with you - intellectually.
When I was younger, and got complimented by men frequently, I was even then in two minds about it.
I'd thank the person, if it wasn't creepy, but think "Does that mean the other 10 women you just saw didn't meet your approval"?
However, last year, I was having a really bad time, my fiance and I were having problems, and I was feeling at an all time low as far as self esteem went.
I was out having coffee with my dad, and a woman walked by and said
"Oh my god, you're so beautiful, I could just like....stare at you all day"
She said it in a really lighthearted way, so I didn't feel uncomfortable.And you know, I hung onto that compliment like a life preserver. I still hang onto it, I sometimes think I should send her flowers on every anniversary of that compliment : )
And I don't think complimenting a particular attribute (okay well, skip the sexual ones) but like Fayeroe said someone's blue eyes, can really ever go wrong, and you never know what effect it may have. People don't hear nice things about themselves very often I don't think.
Posted by Racer on August 16, 2007, at 14:45:00
In reply to Re: compliments on appearance, posted by Gabbi-2 on August 15, 2007, at 19:31:28
I'm very careful about compliments on appearance, because I know what comes into my consciousness when I am complimented. Any compliment related to my weight comes through as "you're a fat pig, and they feel sorry for you." (Yes, even "you're thin" comes across this way. That's part of being crazy, you know?) So, I try to be careful not to offer up anything that someone else could hear in a similar way.
So, when I compliment, it's usually about something fairly specific: "Wow, that's a really great color on you, really brings out your eyes." "Your hair is so wonderful, so thick and glossy!" "You look great, your eyes are so bright today -- you look happy and it looks great on you."
I have a hard time with compliments, too. Mostly, I just squirm.
Ironically, the compliment that stays with me through years -- decades, now -- was a family friend saying to me, "Wow, Racer, you've gained half a ton! You look great!" Again, the joy of craziness...
Posted by Gabbi-2 on August 16, 2007, at 19:11:08
In reply to Re: compliments on appearance, posted by Racer on August 16, 2007, at 14:45:00
I agree, with you and Lurpsie, I think a complimenting specific thing is the way to go.Now, if someone told me I'd gained a ton..
Actually my mother would.
No, she'd say "Wow you've really ballooned out"
It doesn't make me happy.
> I'm very careful about compliments on appearance, because I know what comes into my consciousness when I am complimented. Any compliment related to my weight comes through as "you're a fat pig, and they feel sorry for you." (Yes, even "you're thin" comes across this way. That's part of being crazy, you know?) So, I try to be careful not to offer up anything that someone else could hear in a similar way.
>
> So, when I compliment, it's usually about something fairly specific: "Wow, that's a really great color on you, really brings out your eyes." "Your hair is so wonderful, so thick and glossy!" "You look great, your eyes are so bright today -- you look happy and it looks great on you."
>
> I have a hard time with compliments, too. Mostly, I just squirm.
>
> Ironically, the compliment that stays with me through years -- decades, now -- was a family friend saying to me, "Wow, Racer, you've gained half a ton! You look great!" Again, the joy of craziness...
>
>
This is the end of the thread.
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