Posted by caraher on August 15, 2007, at 16:19:43
texaschic's thread about the "you would be gorgeous" remark and something that happened to me today are prompting this.
First, I should say that I never in real life compliment any woman other than my wife on her appearance. There are many reasons for this (beyond the desire to avoid the wrath of a jealous spouse). These include general shyness and some of my own self-image problems (to comment on appearance creates the opportunity for a return comment, which might be either negative or insincere - motivated by a kindhearted desire not to hurt my feelings and which isn't much better). And who am I to remark on someone else? It seems presumptuous; the other person doesn't exist for my own visual gratification, right?
Anyway, this morning I was on my way out of the local hospital's blood drawing station. In the hallway was an older woman (I'll guess about age 60) with a walker who seemed to be struggling to open the door. I asked if she was trying to go in and held the door open for her. As I passed by her eyes swept up from the doorknob to my face and, in an offhand way, she said, "You're good looking." It sounded like a factual statement akin to remarking "Looks like rain" upon seeing dark clouds outside.
I don't think I've ever had a complete stranger compliment my appearance like that. And it was OK; under the circumstances it wasn't an invitation to start a conversation, just something said in passing, and I was able not to think myself into endless second-guessing about what I should have said in return. And I only did a limited amount of useless internal analysis of her statement itself (my main "discount the positive" thought was that her vision was colored by my holding the door for her - hardly the stuff of fueling thoughts of worthlessness).
So I guess (continuing my hobby of second-guessing myself) I wonder about my usual policy of not mentioning appearance. To what extent should I loosen up a bit and say something from time to time? I think I'm savvy enough to avoid crossing the line from complimentary to creepy. But I still habitually refrain from saying anything... I guess I also tend to feel like a compliment from me is meaningless or even repulsive (because of the source). But that doesn't really square with my limited experience on the receiving end.
poster:caraher
thread:776471
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070803/msgs/776471.html