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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rjlockhart on February 13, 2007, at 20:05:06
Hello its me again.
Well first thing i have always thought that some people where, well misunderstnad me. Today at work,. I work at the GAP. There is so much saracasm, well before we open the store. On the stock today, i told some one that i would be there friend but they said i had to pay them $200 down fee, plus a 20 weeks fee, and we could go out and party. I concented. I am saving up.
First of all im sucking up to this person. To just be my friend, danmit what have i done, i actaully told him i would give him my next paycheck. I dont know how to realte to him thats why im paying him. 200 dollers down and then 20 dollers weekly.
Danmmit at i am so annoying, i just dont know what to say, i just say stuff that randomly comes to my mind. People always say "Matt stay away from appliences, be sure"
Well i am intense at work because i am forcing myself on people. Too much, i feel rejected inside, i want to just, i came home and just laid down for 4 hours almost starting having a emotional breakdown because this has been this way my whole life.
This is like a nightmare happening. I am forced to deal with this stuff everyday. I try to be the star at work but it doenst work, i turn up being looked as someone who would run but forget to jump onto a rock boulder.
I need some support here. Oh god, i cant take this.
Matt
Posted by Kath on February 13, 2007, at 20:52:49
In reply to Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by rjlockhart on February 13, 2007, at 20:05:06
Hi Matt,
Please take a deep breath. (((((((you))))))
Guess what. People at work (probably at most people's workplaces) fool around & joke around. The person was probably just joking around about the $200 & $20. FORGET about that whole thing. They probably just assumed that you were going along with the joke, agreeing to pay.
Even if you WERE serious, I'd suggest that if it comes up again in any way in conversation or if someone else refers to it, just TOTALLY act as if it was all a big joke.
The other thing is this.....sounds like you were really open about wanting to be this person's friend. Sounds like you're a very open person sometimes & a lot of people aren't open like that. I think a lot of people can get uncomfortable when other people get 'real' & open about their feelings. I think that's why that person started fooling around about the money. I have found that before I will be really open with my emotions like that, I want to make sure that it's emotionally safe for me to be that open. It sounds like you were really sincere & maybe they weren't comfortable being open with feelings so they fooled around (even if they sounded serious).
I don't know how old you are. I'm almost 60!! It seems to me that you're probably one heck of a lot younger than that, and often with young people (having observed my 22 yr-old son & his friends for the last several years) they fool around & joke around like anything. You can get away with a lot by joking around.
You know - it's really hard for a lot of us to feel like we 'fit in'. It really is. I used to be very shy. A part of me still is, deep inside, but I remember when I was in my late teens & early 20's. My best friend was SO self-confident & outgoing. I felt so shy & inferior. It was sort of agonizing. So without even planning to I sort of made a decision....actually it was more like I just started ACTING AS IF I was self-confident & as if I just took it for granted that I fitted in. I did a lot of deep breaths (not obvious ones) and I tried to feel comfortable NOT feeling as if I HAD to say something. Before that, when I was with others I felt like I HAD to say something - preferrably something cool.
Matt - do you think you can relax a bit about having the people you work with be your friends? Do you have any other activities you do? Or is there any other stuff you're involved in?
Please keep posting about how you're feeling Matt. It sounds like your work environment is very stressful in its own way. I admire you for having a job & going to work. I hope you give yourself credit for doing that!
I'm here to listen.
Hugs, Kath
Posted by Kath on February 13, 2007, at 21:22:44
In reply to Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by rjlockhart on February 13, 2007, at 20:05:06
Hey Matt,
I just re-read your post.
You know what, Matt - you don't need to try to be a star at work. Maybe you can try to relax a bit about this. You can take pride in doing your job & doing it well FOR YOU...not for ANYbody else. You can be pleasant, but NOT feel that you have to impress others.
You're a nice person. Maybe the people at your work aren't all that nice! If they say that appliances thing, that's not really very nice, even fooling around. Who needs people like that for friends???
I know we spend a lot of time with the people we work with. But maybe they aren't the best people to try to have as friends. Maybe they're so involved in trying to appear cool & are so involved in thinking about themselves, that they aren't really kind to other people.
I wonder about getting involved in other activities. Do you have a hobby or interest?
Sometimes volunteer activities are a good place to meet people. I think that people who would volunteer would be likely to be kind people. Also volunteering might help you feel good about yourself in a low-pressure way. I dunno - it's just a thought.
hugs, Kath
Posted by Phillipa on February 13, 2007, at 21:47:23
In reply to Re: Today was freaking HORRID at work » rjlockhart, posted by Kath on February 13, 2007, at 21:22:44
Matt are you still going to school? Love Phillipa and please listen to Kath she's a great person with wonder advise. Her Son is about your age too.
Posted by laima on February 13, 2007, at 22:01:11
In reply to Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by rjlockhart on February 13, 2007, at 20:05:06
I completely agree with Kath and Phillipa- and if that money ever comes up again, just say you thought it was obviously a joke. I rather suspect it was, by the way. And if it wasn't I'd be shocked at that guy's audacity and rudeness, and I'd say that was a real good sign to not hang out with him.
Posted by rjlockhart on February 14, 2007, at 0:06:07
In reply to Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by rjlockhart on February 13, 2007, at 20:05:06
First off all here is his old website:
http://www.xanga.com/BillyDelpThat is the thing i have deal with at work.
"Matt, its just 50 bucks man and where friends, hten 200 bucks you can come over and chill out, but you have to pay me weekly"
I did the stupist thing, i said ok.
I just X'd out a window that i typed SO long i am mad now. Im sorry.Well i also got written up for saying rude things to be the star of the show, obviously like i said it doesnt work.
But i swear i have to put up a frount with everyone at work. If i dont ill get depressed and just mellow out.
Im sorry i cant really feel any emotion right now its like 12:06am so i gotta go but thank you you guys.
Matt
Posted by Jo U.K on February 14, 2007, at 3:19:06
In reply to Re: Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by rjlockhart on February 14, 2007, at 0:06:07
Matt,
You know what - a LOT of people put up a front, and that includes the people you work with. You are not alone in doing this!
People have different reasons - insecurity, shyness, slyness. Even the guy who asked you for the money - he's probably just putting on his own show in front of your colleagues!
You dont HAVE to be part of this - as Kath said, laugh it off. You are NOT obliged to give any one any money, even if you said you would.
It sounds to me like this guy is putting on his own 'show' and you have been dragged in to it.
I understand that yo want to be friends, but you may be overdoing it (by trying to be the 'star) and this can make you vulnerable.
Try and build your self esteem by finding something you like doing in your spare time. As already said, volunteer organisations, clubs.
This will broaden your horizons, make you a more secure person so you dont have to try and be the star, then decent people will be drawn to YOU.
Best of wishes to you Matt.
Jo
Posted by laima on February 14, 2007, at 8:55:01
In reply to Re: Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by Jo U.K on February 14, 2007, at 3:19:06
I agree, that guy is definately putting on quite a show! I urge you to not bring up any money with him, and if he mentions it, stick to treating it as a joke. Charge him for something as a joke, act serious, see if he pays. DON'T pay him a single cent! Not only would that be ridiculously unfair and mean of him, it would probably only encourage him to do more of this kind of thing. I am certain you will command more respect by not paying than by paying. Even if that ends up meaning you don't hang out.
Posted by laima on February 14, 2007, at 9:07:27
In reply to Re: Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by laima on February 14, 2007, at 8:55:01
Matt,If you give that guy a single cent to hang out, he would lose all respect for you. It would put him in a position of power, too. That's not a real friendship, and would be very unlikely to ever become a real friendship. You would seriously be much better off not hanging out with him at all. I think you would feel better that way, and I bet the people at work would admire you for sticking to your dignity. You've got better things to do than to waste your time with him. He should feel lucky to be able to hang out with you.
Posted by laima on February 14, 2007, at 9:13:18
In reply to Re: Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by laima on February 14, 2007, at 9:07:27
I think he's playing a game to see if he can push you.
Posted by Kath on February 14, 2007, at 9:45:39
In reply to Re: Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by rjlockhart on February 14, 2007, at 0:06:07
Hey Matt -
DITTO to Everything everyone else has said.....
Do NOT - repeat NOT bring up the topic of money & if he asks for money I'd laugh lightly & say "Yo - in your dreams!! Did you really think I was going to give you MONEY to hang out with you!!!??"
If you've given him money in the past - forget that.
If he says "hey you gave me money before dude" say "I wanted to see if you'd REALLY take it. I considered it my donation to humanity for the month" or something like that. or "Hey man, I thought you must really need money to make up that lame thing about me paying you to hang with you. If you still have money problems, sorry, I can't help ya."
I think the second one might be better.Make it about him - not you.
If anything comes up about money in the future, pretend that you really thought he was in a financial jam & didn't want to admit it. Don't worry WHAT you agreed to....try to almost make yourself believe that he NEEDED money just to give yourself the strength to change the pattern of interaction between you two about money.
Matt - he's maybe saying that you're friends. He isn't your friend (I wonder if he is truly ANYbody's friend). Real friends don't treat you like that.
Matt this guy might seem really self-confident etc but he's very self-centered & doesn't care about other people by the sounds of it.
I hear you - your work situation is HARD, but I'd suggest always take a deep breath before you speak & decide - 'do I need to impress these people?' I hope that you'll be able to decide you DON'T.
Please know that you're strong inside. Please let us know how it goes Matt.
love, Kath
Posted by laima on February 14, 2007, at 10:49:19
In reply to Hope today was better » rjlockhart, posted by Kath on February 14, 2007, at 9:45:39
Hi Matt,I like what Kath says!
You could even tell him you've been thinking over your charitable donations, and you are so sorry, but you don't think there is sufficient evidence that your donations have been/will be put to good use in his case. You can only contribute to worthy charities which can demonstrate legitimate benefit, after all.
Good luck, Matt!
Laima
Posted by Kath on February 14, 2007, at 14:24:48
In reply to Re: Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by rjlockhart on February 14, 2007, at 0:06:07
Yo Matt,
Regarding 'star of the show' - maybe you can convince yourself that you want to try a different method..... you wouldn't tell anyone (except maybe us here) but YOU would know.
how about the cool, quiet, mysterious type....the guy who is SO COOL that he doesn't even need to try to do ANYthing or say anything cool.
It's a thought, but you'd have to convince yourself, I think.
Whadayathink? luv, Kath
Posted by laima on February 14, 2007, at 16:07:30
In reply to Re: Today was freaking HORRID at work » rjlockhart, posted by Kath on February 14, 2007, at 14:24:48
That sounds great! Be mysterious. Make them wonder.> Yo Matt,
>
> Regarding 'star of the show' - maybe you can convince yourself that you want to try a different method..... you wouldn't tell anyone (except maybe us here) but YOU would know.
>
> how about the cool, quiet, mysterious type....the guy who is SO COOL that he doesn't even need to try to do ANYthing or say anything cool.
>
> It's a thought, but you'd have to convince yourself, I think.
>
> Whadayathink? luv, Kath
Posted by Kath on February 14, 2007, at 19:52:46
In reply to Re: Today was freaking HORRID at work, posted by laima on February 14, 2007, at 16:07:30
yes mysterious - but not in an outward way - like not ACTING mysterious.
Basically, just not trying to be ANYthing.
I sometimes find people who are sort of calm, quiet, just 'themselves' - I dunno - I find them interesting & sort of mysterious in that they seem to feel comfortable not TRYING to impress others. They're just there - not 'in your face'.
To me, people like that seem quietly confident. (Even if they aren't. Who knows how they feel inside, but it give the impression of them being confident & makes me interested in getting to know them better.)
Kath
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