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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Donna Louise on June 8, 2006, at 15:19:42
I know it isn't all girls or I wouldn't worry about it. But this isn't a 'sexy' thing I need to ask about. I am all freaked out about having some surgery..it is to restore lost physical sexual ability to have sex without pain. (It would mean 6 weeks I couldn't ride my horses, my lifesaver..) and cost alot of money..but that aside...the question has to do with desire. I thought with the patch I would get that back but I haven't really. So I am having high anxiety about getting this surgery just to still not want to use the equipment. Besides not having the desire, I am now practically phobic about it. I have a husband, for almost 30 years, same good guy and he has been great but I feel bad for him. Anyway, question is. Can I ask?..is there some kind of horney drug that makes the desire come and the fear go? I would not hesitate to have the surgery if I could back it up knowing I would want to make use of the ahem, equipment. I can't drink or smoke pot so those options are out.
Well, there, I talked about it and asked the question without waiting to find out if it is ok. Please someone write me back so I don't go into total meltdown for fear of being a fool.
Thankyouverymuch,donna
Posted by B2chica on June 8, 2006, at 15:44:43
In reply to Can I ask some questions about sex here?, posted by Donna Louise on June 8, 2006, at 15:19:42
of course you can talk about it here...
my first thought would be to work on the fear part of having sex first. my guess would be that some of your inability to enjoy sex would come from all the anxiety or fear from sex.
i wasn't quite sure if you were interested in the surgery to enhance enjoyment or if you were dealing with some type of pain...it kinda sounded like some pain. so i guess my statement above needs to be adjusted because alot of tension and fear (for me anyway) would come from knowing it would be painful and not pleasureful.if you know for a fact that the surgery would help with your pain/lack of pleasure, don't let the inacctivity of a few weeks stop you, however, i don't know that it would necessarily increase your libido. so you may still have that as an issue.
i by all means don't want to talk you out of a surgery that could change how you think and feel about sex (for the better) but i'm pretty cautious and i'd hit all the other routes out there first to make sure i've taken care of everything else that's in the way. it doesn't sound like you have only one barrier.sorry i'm not much help. i don't know of any drugs that increase libido. but maybe some of these smart folks do...
best wishes
b2c.
Posted by curtm on June 8, 2006, at 16:46:31
In reply to Re: Can I ask some questions about sex here?, posted by B2chica on June 8, 2006, at 15:44:43
I read somewhere about the five sacral nerves in the lower spine connect to the genitals. I can't find the article now, imagine that, but nerve or spinal damage could be interfering with sensations of pleasure/pain. Do you have any back injury or history of spine problems in your family. I will try to locate the information and post it for you.
Would any massage or chiropractic therapy be useful if this were the case? Possibility...
Posted by curtm on June 8, 2006, at 17:58:18
In reply to Re: Can I ask some questions about sex here? » B2chica, posted by curtm on June 8, 2006, at 16:46:31
Posted by Tamar on June 8, 2006, at 19:32:46
In reply to Can I ask some questions about sex here?, posted by Donna Louise on June 8, 2006, at 15:19:42
> I know it isn't all girls or I wouldn't worry about it. But this isn't a 'sexy' thing I need to ask about. I am all freaked out about having some surgery..it is to restore lost physical sexual ability to have sex without pain. (It would mean 6 weeks I couldn't ride my horses, my lifesaver..) and cost alot of money..but that aside...the question has to do with desire. I thought with the patch I would get that back but I haven't really. So I am having high anxiety about getting this surgery just to still not want to use the equipment.
Well, if having the surgery would mean you could have sex without pain, then you’d be in a better position to start working on the libido thing. So it seems worth it to me.
And I can understand that you’d miss riding, but would you be able to spend time with your horses? Even if you couldn’t ride, you might still enjoy being with them and grooming them and the other stuff people do with horses (sorry, I’m a city girl; don’t know much about any animal bigger than a cat).
> Besides not having the desire, I am now practically phobic about it. I have a husband, for almost 30 years, same good guy and he has been great but I feel bad for him.
Well, if I experienced pain every time I had sex I’d probably avoid it too. It sounds like a realistic fear. And of course, it’s always possible to do sexually arousing and satisfying things without penetration. If you can work on having a non-penetrative physical relationship with your husband, you might well find the desire comes back, and you can give him some of the physical release he’d like too.
Another trick for increasing libido is sex by yourself. Read erotic fiction; watch sexy movies; get a good vibrator… whatever you think will turn you on. Try new things… as often as possible…
> Anyway, question is. Can I ask?..is there some kind of horney drug that makes the desire come and the fear go? I would not hesitate to have the surgery if I could back it up knowing I would want to make use of the ahem, equipment. I can't drink or smoke pot so those options are out.
I don’t think there is any kind of drug that reliably increases female libido. Some women swear by viagra, but it doesn’t seem to work for everyone. If your doc is willing to prescribe it you could try it. But from everything you say I’d guess the problem is mostly psychological and might not respond to medication.
> Well, there, I talked about it and asked the question without waiting to find out if it is ok. Please someone write me back so I don't go into total meltdown for fear of being a fool.
You’re not a fool. Sexual problems are very difficult to talk about despite being incredibly common. I think, though, that if you focus on increasing pleasure rather than on being able to perform, you might find it begins to get a little easier. And if that sounds daunting, keep your eyes on the prize. It will be worth the hard work sometime in the near future when you have an all-night session with your husband that makes you feel like a goddess and makes him feel like a superhero…
Hope that’s of some help.
Tamar
Posted by Donna Louise on June 8, 2006, at 20:48:48
In reply to Re: Can I ask some questions about sex here? » B2chica, posted by curtm on June 8, 2006, at 16:46:31
Thanks so much for responding! I feel better already. I have no back injury, the lack of libido started with the paxil way back in '93 and everything I have taken since then has had the same effect. Either that or I never recovered from the loss on the paxil. I was so hoping that on the patch it wouldn't be an issue and it is a tad better but not much. I still don't care if I ever have it again or not. And to Bchica, yes, the surgery is to get me out of pain. Apparantly, menapause has been awful to my vaginal lining and opening and it has to be surgically enlarged. I have started estrogen creams to help with the restoration of the lining but apparantly I need to be surgically widened. ugh. how awful. I have heard of some women after having alot kids or something that could use some shrinking..but I have never heard of this. And I would think that after the surgery I wouldn't be afraid of pain anymore but the whole idea of having sex has gotten screwed up in my brain with all the anxiety problems I have. Too bad I couldn't have a little champagne and joint. I used to be something of a maniac in my younger years..maybe I am just getting old.
And I am on hormone replacement btw.
The floodgates have opened, oh boy, now that I have permission. I don't talk about it with much of anyone.Donna
Posted by Donna Louise on June 8, 2006, at 21:04:23
In reply to Re: Can I ask some questions about sex here? » Donna Louise, posted by Tamar on June 8, 2006, at 19:32:46
Thanks Tamar, I am afraid you are probably right and that I am not going to get my old self back by swallowing a pill although it couldn't hurt to try the viagra...
The prize in the future that you mention just seems so out of reach. The loss of libido has made it easy to just think of it as too much trouble.
I do have some props and literature, I need to get a movie. I will probably get embarressed.donna
Posted by llrrrpp on June 9, 2006, at 7:19:51
In reply to Re: Can I ask some questions about sex here? » Tamar, posted by Donna Louise on June 8, 2006, at 21:04:23
Hey Donna,
I'm so impressed that you're open about this. I don't have any specific suggestions for you, other than to take good care of yourself, and give yourself a treat (lots of trats!). Sounds like the surgery is pretty unpleasant. I'm glad that your husband is someone who you can lean on during these tough times.If you can talk to p-babble about this stuff, I bet you can work up the courage to talk to anyone. You're so brave.
yours,
-ll
Posted by Tamar on June 9, 2006, at 7:27:37
In reply to Re: Can I ask some questions about sex here? » Tamar, posted by Donna Louise on June 8, 2006, at 21:04:23
I had a look for more information about the condition you seem to be describing, and one of the things I read was that sexual activity should help the condition quite a bit. It seems that encouraging lubrication by frequent arousal will help to keep the vaginal lining moist and help to prevent tissue fissure. So, oddly enough, doing sexual things should actually help. But again, penetration probably isn’t a good idea if it hurts. Fortunately there are lots of other ways to enjoy sex! And in time you may find that penetration becomes possible again.
I’m sure someone has mentioned this, but it’s not a good idea to use soap or perfumes or douches or anything like that on your vulva and vagina, because they contain ingredients that can irritate the skin and make the condition worse.
I don’t know anything about Paxil, but I’ve been taking Prozac for a few months and my libido is severely reduced. However, if I make an effort to participate in sex I usually find I can get aroused, so you might find the same thing. Can you talk to your pdoc about the effect the Paxil is having on your libido? Maybe a change in medication could help. I know some doctors imagine that a loss of libido is a small price to pay for the mental health benefits of the medication, but I tend to feel that sexuality is a very important part of human experience and loss of libido can have negative effects on mental health. In your case, loss of libido is not helping your physical condition. So I think you have a good case for trying a different medication.
As for movies…It doesn’t have to be porn, unless that’s what you want! A movie that leads to a good fantasy could be just as exciting. Especially a movie with an actor you find particularly attractive. Or one of those “how to have better sex” dvds… there’s nudity and sexual activity, but the production values are better than porn. Whatever works for you!
I hope you find some solutions very soon.
Tamar
Posted by caraher on June 9, 2006, at 14:50:33
In reply to Re: Can I ask some questions about sex here? » Donna Louise, posted by Tamar on June 9, 2006, at 7:27:37
Another alternative to changing from Paxil to something else might be to supplement with Wellbutrin. Paxil, imipramine and Cymbalta all have taken a toll on my libido, but Wellbutrin tends to counteract that.
Take a look at http://archive.salon.com/sex/feature/2000/09/26/wellbutrin/index.html
(you might have to watch an ad first)
Posted by Donna Louise on June 9, 2006, at 20:44:12
In reply to Re: antidepressants and desire, posted by caraher on June 9, 2006, at 14:50:33
You guys are so kind to try to help. I really appreciate it. I have unwittingly mislead you though. I have not taken paxil since 1996, it was the medicine that ended the libido and it hasn't come back since. Same with all the other medicines. Dead on all of them. I quit the paxil to try the wellbutrin because of the desire problem and I absolutely cannot take it, I actually got so bad I think I was verging on paranoid psychosis. At any rate, not only did I not get the libido back, since then all the other antidepressants have only helped with the depression and anxiety partially. I went straight back to the paxil after the wellbutrin fiasco but it was no longer effect. I was just a deadened zombie. So, I don't know what I haven't tried. No tricyclics. And the patch is the only MAOI in which I am not doing nearly as well as I had hoped, but I do have energy instead of sleeping all day which is an improvement. But still dead down there. And no desire to do anything about it really. Maybe I would get horney again if I stopped all the meds but and I keep getting tempted although I have done that many times before and it is a failure (I do get some desire and function back though). It is just not worth the nightmare of depression. My case may be hopeless. I had accepted it as such until the gyno said about the surgery and now it is a problem again. It is late, I am so sick of this, I am not making sense I am afraid.
But I am really grateful to you folks for caring and trying to help. Many many thanks. That itself is a big help.donna
Posted by Kath on June 11, 2006, at 19:24:57
In reply to Re: Can I ask some questions about sex here? » Tamar, posted by Donna Louise on June 8, 2006, at 21:04:23
Hi - if you're getting a movie, make sure it's one that suits YOU. A sexy movie for one person might be quite different from a sexy movie for another person. Make sure it has what would turn You on; emotional content/romance - whatever would appeal to YOU.
I think fear of pain would be the first thing to deal with. I wonder if a sex therapist would help? Just a thought. I think that even after the operation, you're going to need to learn first-hand, that there won't be pain!!! I hope your doctor will be supportive in not just the mechanical part??? I think it's important to talk to you doctor about the things you're talking about here....he/she would take care of the mechanics - he/she might have really good suggestions about who can help you with the mental & emotional part!!
Best of luck, Kath
PS - I think one of the BEST ways to get feeling turned-on might be for you & hubby to agree 100% that you will NOT have sex (and be specific about what having sex consists of). THEN, fool around; do all kinds of sensual, enjoyable stuff. Either person can say 'enough thanks - that was nice' at any point. Sometimes when the pressure is off & one KNOWS nothing's going to happen, that in intself can be pretty much of a turn-on.
;-)))) K
> Thanks Tamar, I am afraid you are probably right and that I am not going to get my old self back by swallowing a pill although it couldn't hurt to try the viagra...
> The prize in the future that you mention just seems so out of reach. The loss of libido has made it easy to just think of it as too much trouble.
> I do have some props and literature, I need to get a movie. I will probably get embarressed.
>
> donna
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