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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 19:10:01
THIS is a first for me. I'm about to post something about my day-to-day interpersonal life. I don't think I've ever done that in the ~5 years I've been on Babble. (See? Toronto IS opening me up.)
My sister, who lives a few miles away, invited me to her house for dinner tonight.
I hate that.
I know, I know: people should have such problems!
But her husband deliberately, unpredictably, insults me sometimes. So, to me, going over to their house is like playing Russian roulette. Is this going to be a night he verbally smacks me down? Or is this a night that he'll be polite?
I absolutely hate it. He's extremely verbally self-assured and quick-witted, so there's no way I can adequately reply or defend myself from him on the fly.
So I often just refuse her (very thoughtful) invitations. If it were just her, or just her and their kid, I would accept.
Years ago, I decided it was better not to make up excuses. I just say, very nicely, “Thanks very much, but no, I won't be coming.” Today, I weakened on the phone when she called and I said, “That sounds great,” but as dinnertime actually approached I was getting more & more miserable.
I tried to do my observer-mind and acceptance stuff, but I could think of no REASON to expose myself to the mean-mouth: there'd be nothing of personal importance to get out of it that would be worth the pain. I will see her & their kid at other times, when it's a lot safer from razor-mouth.
So a few minutes before dinner, I called and said, a little regretfully, “I'm sorry, I won't be coming.” I can't predict if she'll be PO'd about that or not.
Anyway, the experience of last weekend helped to clarify the situation for me. People are not just cactuses you're forced to endure. People can be ENJOYED. I don't have to suffer under my brother-in-law's nasty pathology. If I'm going to manage my life effectively, I can start with that.
Interesting. In a way, it's running from a problem, but I actually feel quite “empowered”. I think I've just raised my standards.
Posted by Deneb on May 24, 2006, at 19:18:15
In reply to My first personal post, posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 19:10:01
Way to go pseudoname!
I believe assertive people are quite often very well respected. It's good to stand up for yourself and your needs. You don't have to take abuse from your brother-in-law. People deserve better than that.
Congratulations on your first personal post. I'm glad you feel more open.
Deneb*
Posted by curtm on May 24, 2006, at 19:44:39
In reply to My first personal post, posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 19:10:01
>> In a way, it's running from a problem...
No it isn't. It's like walking away from one. Good job
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 24, 2006, at 22:11:58
In reply to My first personal post, posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 19:10:01
I think you'll only have truly raised your standards if you tell both him and your sister why.
That would put you all on an equal footing for those higher standards.
A job well begun. I don't mean to detract from. I meant to append to.
Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 24, 2006, at 22:55:36
In reply to Re: My first personal post » pseudoname, posted by Larry Hoover on May 24, 2006, at 22:11:58
> I think you'll only have truly raised your standards if you tell both him and your sister why.
I apologize for that comment. It did not come out the way I meant it, and I don't know what I might say in its place.
I'm sorry.
Lar
Posted by Maynerd on May 24, 2006, at 23:14:29
In reply to My first personal post, posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 19:10:01
Very interesting situation, but I might be able to provide a possible reason for what is going on. The behavior he has been subjecting you to may very well be a sort of defense mechanism. As it is directed towards you it suggests to me that you might very well be the source of his conflict. It may be that he feels threatened somehow by your relationship with your sister, you remind him of someone else in his past, or one of many other possible causes. Bottom line is, the behavior seems to be designed to keep you away, and it is working. Maybe I am wrong, I am sometimes. I don't know what to suggest as a solution, only that I hope everything works in YOUR best interest.
Posted by curtm on May 25, 2006, at 0:10:45
In reply to My first personal post, posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 19:10:01
I do have to agree with Maynerd. He has a control issue with anyone that may come between himself and your sister, especially at the sibling level. For what reason? Who knows. Does he show any unusual behavior toward anyone else? I am going to guess he does and that he is a real asss in general. How does he treat your sister?
I have to be honest with you. I did not give you my gut reply the first time. What I really wanted to say was: If he directly or inderectly smacks you down, look him in the eye and say in a calm stern voice "You are the biggest assshole I have ever met in my life and I don't know what my sister sees in you, you sorry son of a bitch."
I wouldnt want my sister to spend her life with someone like that! She deserves better!
Posted by pseudoname on May 25, 2006, at 9:12:40
In reply to Re: My first personal post » pseudoname, posted by Deneb on May 24, 2006, at 19:18:15
Posted by curtm on May 25, 2006, at 10:24:31
In reply to Re: My first personal post, posted by curtm on May 25, 2006, at 0:10:45
Posted by pseudoname on May 25, 2006, at 11:34:25
In reply to Thanks! (nm) » Deneb, posted by pseudoname on May 25, 2006, at 9:12:40
I didn't mean to leave others out in thanking Deneb, but those interpretations and proactive suggestions presented a lot to think about, and I couldn't give a quick response.
Other than “Thanks”!
Posted by AuntieMel on May 25, 2006, at 14:41:33
In reply to My first personal post, posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 19:10:01
It's interesting that sometimes he does it and sometimes he doesn't.
Can you put a finger on what else is going on at the time he does it? Are you playing with the kid, or maybe having a really fun chat with sis?
I'm thinking that this might be a defense mechanism. Maybe at the time he's feeling left out, or feeling threatened in some way.
Or he could just be a jerk.
Posted by pseudoname on May 25, 2006, at 15:29:02
In reply to Re: My first personal post » pseudoname, posted by AuntieMel on May 25, 2006, at 14:41:33
> Can you put a finger on what else is going on at the time he does it?
That's the thing: there's no predicting. My brother-in-law (“BiL”) has chronic intestinal problems, which can flare up & seem to affect his mood a LOT. But he verbally smacks & bullies me even when he's clearly in good spirits.
He seems to need to be the smartest person in the room, which is fine by me. He *is* smarter than I am. But BiL ANGRILY attacks me, for example, for my supposedly improper use of words (like “moot” and “virus”). Even if he's right, why be hostile?
> I'm thinking that this might be a defense mechanism.
He's definitely got a lot going on. He is EXTREMELY defensive. I've never seen him apologize to anyone, for example, not even in everyday logistical courtesy. Some of his speech seems like impulsive explosions he can't control; but he controls it fine when he's around people he'd be afraid to bully. He's gotten better in some ways in the last 8 years.
> Or he could just be a jerk.
My old therapist said that both BiL and my sister are thought-less, as in without thoughts. And I can't post what else he called BiL. But he only had my side of the story.
Anyway, I won't risk doing anything that could risk causing a rift between me and either my sister or their kid, both of whom are important to me.
Posted by TexasChic on May 29, 2006, at 8:41:21
In reply to My first personal post, posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 19:10:01
Why does he get to say whatever he wants and you don't? I hate when people put you in that position where if you were to take up for yourself, you would have to be what you would consider 'rude'. They know exactly what they're doing, its a little control game to make their miserable selves feel better.
Being the 'people pleaser' that I am I find myself in this position alot. I've been trying to learn to stand up to these people. In one book I've been reading about dealing with difficult people, it says to calmly and politely question their intent when they say something insulting, for instance, "So what exactly are you trying to say when you say only an idiot would feel that way?" or "So what are you trying to get across when you say I'm an idiot? ". By questioning their motive it puts their rudeness in the spotlight, which they think you're too polite to do. But you have to make sure it comes across polite and not sarcastic, which I think is the challange. I don't know if I explained that very well.
When I first read it I thought it was stupid, but now I see how it could work. I haven't had the opportunity to try it yet though.
-T
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 12, 2006, at 10:40:55
In reply to Sorry for using the 'sss' word (nm), posted by curtm on May 25, 2006, at 10:24:31
This is the end of the thread.
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