Posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 19:10:01
THIS is a first for me. I'm about to post something about my day-to-day interpersonal life. I don't think I've ever done that in the ~5 years I've been on Babble. (See? Toronto IS opening me up.)
My sister, who lives a few miles away, invited me to her house for dinner tonight.
I hate that.
I know, I know: people should have such problems!
But her husband deliberately, unpredictably, insults me sometimes. So, to me, going over to their house is like playing Russian roulette. Is this going to be a night he verbally smacks me down? Or is this a night that he'll be polite?
I absolutely hate it. He's extremely verbally self-assured and quick-witted, so there's no way I can adequately reply or defend myself from him on the fly.
So I often just refuse her (very thoughtful) invitations. If it were just her, or just her and their kid, I would accept.
Years ago, I decided it was better not to make up excuses. I just say, very nicely, “Thanks very much, but no, I won't be coming.” Today, I weakened on the phone when she called and I said, “That sounds great,” but as dinnertime actually approached I was getting more & more miserable.
I tried to do my observer-mind and acceptance stuff, but I could think of no REASON to expose myself to the mean-mouth: there'd be nothing of personal importance to get out of it that would be worth the pain. I will see her & their kid at other times, when it's a lot safer from razor-mouth.
So a few minutes before dinner, I called and said, a little regretfully, “I'm sorry, I won't be coming.” I can't predict if she'll be PO'd about that or not.
Anyway, the experience of last weekend helped to clarify the situation for me. People are not just cactuses you're forced to endure. People can be ENJOYED. I don't have to suffer under my brother-in-law's nasty pathology. If I'm going to manage my life effectively, I can start with that.
Interesting. In a way, it's running from a problem, but I actually feel quite “empowered”. I think I've just raised my standards.
poster:pseudoname
thread:648029
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060521/msgs/648029.html