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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 15:53:25
every day i get gradually more and more depressed..last night i realized that i feel numb, overwhelmed, irritable, and unable to handle life's pressures (i felt all of that before, but to an overwhelming degree now). i told my mom yesterday that i need her to take me to GNC to get something for depression...she says "no, you don't need anything"..but she's taking an antidepressant herself!!! the woman does not have any empathy. she tells me i'm not depressed and i just need to do this or do that and i'll be fine. this seems really cruel to me, b/c she knows what depression feels like..has been on AD's for years...never without..yet i'm supposed to be fine w/out them? i now realize that getting something for depression needs to be my first priority. i think about suicide constantly.
my zest for life or any evidence of that is gone. my thinking processes..gone. desire to live also nil. i am not myself. i am just here..in this void. it is soooo hard to do *anything*. life feels so overwhelming. my mom complains that i'm not doing things..she doesn't comprehend why, even though i tell her. it's funny how i wait until i am totally bad off before i'll take anything for the depression. sorry...bummer post. i barely have the energy/wherewithal to write this post. thanks for listening. just needed to share that. i hesitate to write these kinds of posts..really don't want to bring anyone down. i don't want anyone in a bad state themselves to feel any obligation to reply, please. i just needed to get this out. thank you for reading..that's all i needed.:)..amy
Posted by partlycloudy on May 17, 2005, at 17:31:06
In reply to sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning*, posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 15:53:25
So does this mean that you're not on anything for depression right now? I'm pretty rigid with timing my medication as I find (especially with ADs that have short half-lives) that if I miss a dose I start heading downward sooo quickly.
I hope that this bad feeling passes quickly for you, Alesta. You're very special to me and others here. When you're hurting, I hurt too.
p.s. try not to listen to your mother (gahhh! did I really say that? Yup.)
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 17, 2005, at 17:42:56
In reply to sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning*, posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 15:53:25
> every day i get gradually more and more depressed..last night i realized that i feel numb, overwhelmed, irritable, and unable to handle life's pressures (i felt all of that before, but to an overwhelming degree now).
(((Amy))) I wish I could give you some of my joy right now. It's really hard to imagine being depressed like you are. It must be extremely difficult to handle. You are strong though, strong enough to help me when you were depressed yourself. I'm sure things will start to turn around for you. You deserve all the very best.
> i now realize that getting something for depression needs to be my first priority. i think about suicide constantly.
It's good that you realize your priorities...you need to take extra good care of yourself right now. Please believe that life is never hopeless, you never know what is behind the corner. Your feelings are valid though. You only want the pain to stop right? I wish I could share some of your pain right now...but I can't. You're very strong, you've been through so much. I know you can overcome this. Don't be too hard on yourself.
> my zest for life or any evidence of that is gone. my thinking processes..gone. desire to live also nil. i am not myself.It's ok to feel these things. It's only natural to feel these feeling after going through what you've gone through. You are still here though, and as long as you live, things can always change for the better.
> thanks for listening. just needed to share that. i hesitate to write these kinds of posts..really don't want to bring anyone down.
I'm privileged to be able to hear your story. Write anything you can to...we are willing to listen. ((((Amy))))
all the best
jenny
Posted by Phil on May 17, 2005, at 18:03:11
In reply to sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning*, posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 15:53:25
Yeah Amy, we need to have a chat with your mother!
I agree with you that finding something for your depression should be step #1.
I've come to care for you very much and I'm sending positive vibes your way.
Dig in and be tenacious as hell till you can get the help you deserve.Phil
Posted by TamaraJ on May 17, 2005, at 19:49:03
In reply to sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning*, posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 15:53:25
(((Amy)))
I was recently where you are now, and I just kept telling myself that this too shall pass. That was all I could do, even when I didn't believe it, I just kept repeating those words so I wouldn't, couldn't think of anything else. And, don't worry about what you post. You need to get it out. It is much better to talk about those overwhelming and scary feelings than to let them eat you up inside. And, what better place to do it than here where people understand, where people care, where people can provide you with support, compassion and a cyber shoulder to cry on. You have friends here - friends who care and who will help you the best we can to get through this dark period. Now, as for treating your depression, your mom obviously does not understand, or refuses to acknowledge, the depths of your despair right now. You have been through a lot in the past while, and it is bound to have taken its toll on you. You need to treat the depression. Can you get yourself to a free clinic and see a doctor, without your mom? If money is an issue, perhaps you can get free samples of an AD until you can afford medication.
Keep hanging in there Amy, and believe that you will get through this. My thoughts are with you.Tamara
Posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 19:49:39
In reply to sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning*, posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 15:53:25
thanks.:) these posts mean so much to you when you're feeling as low as i am...i'm just not capable of expressing it right now. love you guys.
i mentioned to my mom that i was depressed, again, and she just started in on me. (she has NPD.) she even had the nerve to actually say twice that she didn't care. those were the first words out of her mouth after i insisted that i *was* really, really depressed. i repeated that back to her and said "i cannot believe you would say that"..it didn't register with her somehow..and then she said a couple of times, "you can feel bad as long as you do what you need to do to move your life ahead.." i said, "but i don't want to feel bad.." and she repeated again that it was ok for me to feel bad. finally i used the suicide card with her. i knew that would do the trick. my dying would devastate her, for some unknown reason. (it's certainly not cause she cares.) i guess if i died i would cut off her main source of naricissistic supply. you'd have to see the interactions with her to believe em..they're so..unbelievable..she just keeps going at me unrelentingly..even through the bathroom door when i lock myself in there. it's crazy, lol.
anyway, thanks for listening...again.:) you guys really mean *a lot* to me. your words in those posts are very powerful to me, and will sustain me. thanks again.:)
amy
Posted by 10derHeart on May 17, 2005, at 22:10:12
In reply to sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning*, posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 15:53:25
Everything TamaraJ said.....and then some.
Hang in there. I wish I could think of something amazingly helpful, but....
Keep posting. We understand how horrible and scary it is to feel like this. Sounds like your mom's own stuff seems far too deep and negative for her to be of any real help to you. Please do what you can to take care of yourself NO MATTER what she says.
(((((((amy))))))))
Posted by gardenergirl on May 17, 2005, at 22:31:33
In reply to Re: sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning*, posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 19:49:39
Oh gosh, sweetie. My parents are both narcissistic, but it's the benign kind...it's mostly that they are into their own stuff and don't pay too much attention. It sounds like your mom is a different and more directly hurful narcissist. I'm so sorry. No one deserves that.
(((alesta)))
gg
Posted by anastasia56 on May 18, 2005, at 0:05:02
In reply to Re: sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning* » alesta, posted by gardenergirl on May 17, 2005, at 22:31:33
amie i wish i could help you out of this. you are so plainly hurting today. all one can do from here is send you a comforting hug and the knowledge that we know you are a supportive, kind person who will make it thru.
my favorite coffee house here has a comfy sofa with big overstuffed chairs on either side of it. i envision the group of us here in babbleland sitting with you there...we're sipping coffee and talking. You're feeling better just surrounded by people who care. What are we talking about? could be a battle plan for you with your mom...could be next steps...it's up to you...
ana
Posted by gardenergirl on May 18, 2005, at 11:00:21
In reply to Re: sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning*, posted by anastasia56 on May 18, 2005, at 0:05:02
a,
...looking forward to you returning in three weeks. Take care of yourself in the meantime. I'm still available by email.gg
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 19, 2005, at 18:46:50
In reply to sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning*, posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 15:53:25
Hi Amy
Just wanted to say that I miss having you around. I look forward to you coming back from your little "vacation" from the boards.
Disagreements happen, you are a good person (as is everyone here :-) )
I hope you take care of yourself.
Posted by KaraS on May 19, 2005, at 21:35:13
In reply to sinking deeper and deeper....*trigger warning*, posted by alesta on May 17, 2005, at 15:53:25
> every day i get gradually more and more depressed..last night i realized that i feel numb, overwhelmed, irritable, and unable to handle life's pressures (i felt all of that before, but to an overwhelming degree now). i told my mom yesterday that i need her to take me to GNC to get something for depression...she says "no, you don't need anything"..but she's taking an antidepressant herself!!! the woman does not have any empathy. she tells me i'm not depressed and i just need to do this or do that and i'll be fine. this seems really cruel to me, b/c she knows what depression feels like..has been on AD's for years...never without..yet i'm supposed to be fine w/out them? i now realize that getting something for depression needs to be my first priority. i think about suicide constantly.
>
> my zest for life or any evidence of that is gone. my thinking processes..gone. desire to live also nil. i am not myself. i am just here..in this void. it is soooo hard to do *anything*. life feels so overwhelming. my mom complains that i'm not doing things..she doesn't comprehend why, even though i tell her. it's funny how i wait until i am totally bad off before i'll take anything for the depression. sorry...bummer post. i barely have the energy/wherewithal to write this post. thanks for listening. just needed to share that. i hesitate to write these kinds of posts..really don't want to bring anyone down. i don't want anyone in a bad state themselves to feel any obligation to reply, please. i just needed to get this out. thank you for reading..that's all i needed.:)..amy
Amy,I hope you're still reading the messages of support here even though you've been blocked. Your first move has to be to find a free clinic or some kind of free outpatient program like Tamara said. Is there any way you could commit yourself to a hospital? That way you could get medication, support AND get away from your mother.
Here's a fantastic website that helped me to find free and low-cost medical and psychological help. Just type in your city and it will give you lots of good information.
http://www.ihatemylife.us/medical.html
You can also call the local NAMI office. They offer support groups and answer questions.
You're dealing with a lot right now and it's very hard to do it without any medication. Your mother is way beyond narcissistic if she can't empathize with your depression and need for medication even though she's on medication herself. Just unbelievable!! Try to ignore her or just put up with her until you're well enough to go out on your own (I know that's easier said than done.) Just keep trying to focus on getting well enough to be out on your own and remember that that state of mind can be just a little medication and help away....((((alesta))))
K
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