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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 0:14:57
I'm so sad. Why is is possible to feel so much sadness? My message, my sadness, out into the lonely cyberworld. There is nothing to say.
I hope I die tonight, but I know I won't, not without a "miracle." I wish I could smother myself with my comforter and pillow...it's hard, I've tried.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 0:37:19
In reply to So sad, posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 0:14:57
Please let me die, please let me die, cybergods, please let me die, let me die, grant my wish and let me die, let me die, I want to die, let me die, cybergods, let me die, I want to die, I want to die, please let me die, grant my wish and let me die,let me die, let me die, let me die, I want to die, I want to die, let me die, let me die let me die let me die let me die let me die, let me die, let me die, let me die, let me die, let me die, let me die, let me die, let me die, let me die, let me die, let me die let me die,let me die, let me die let me die let me die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die iwant to die i want to die i want to die
Posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 0:54:27
In reply to Re: So sad, posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 0:37:19
Posted by snapper on May 14, 2005, at 0:56:13
In reply to So sad, posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 0:14:57
> I'm so sad. Why is is possible to feel so much sadness? My message, my sadness, out into the lonely cyberworld. There is nothing to say.
>
> I hope I die tonight, but I know I won't, not without a "miracle." I wish I could smother myself with my comforter and pillow...it's hard, I've tried.Hi Shy_Girl, I am sorry you are feeling so bad!
Do you mind if I ask why you want to die so bad?
snapper
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on May 14, 2005, at 1:05:47
In reply to Re: Thread *trigger* warning (nm), posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 0:54:27
Posted by kid47 on May 14, 2005, at 15:10:42
In reply to So sad, posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 0:14:57
Hi Shy. Sorry you feel so awful. I gotta tell ya, from what you have posted lately, I am almost positive you would benefit from the right psych meds. I have felt just exactly as you seem to. I don't mean to sound presumptuous, but I'm sure I know how bad it is for you right now. (boy did that sound presumptuous). I ended up in the hospital which I believe saved my life. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you can feel a whole bunch better. Have your pdoc refer you to someone who can get you started on the proper meds.
Remember it's the illness that is making you feel like this. It's not really about who you are. Please keep posting and if there is anything I can do let me know. There are a ton of great folks here who can offer some astounding insight and comfort.Peace
kid
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 17:51:52
In reply to So sad, posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 0:14:57
Posted by JenStar on May 14, 2005, at 19:52:35
In reply to So sad, posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 0:14:57
hi Shy_girl,
first let me say that it sounds like you're struggling and suffering right now, and I hope it gets better. You sound quite unhappy.However, it's clear (and I'm glad!) that you don't REALLY want to to die. If you REALLY wanted to do it, it would be done. I think you should focus on the positive side -- you're still here despite your depression and other issues, you're still trying to find a way to get through life with the rest of us troubled souls.
Honestly, your post WAS a little troubling (you called it "weird".) I guess I'm concerned about you and your stability. You seem to cycle through moods rapidly, from good to very bad in quick succession. Am I right or am I misreading the cues in your posts here? (If I'm misreading, I'm sorry!) if it's correct, have you been able to address this with a T or doctor and get help for it? From my personal experience, and you'll have to take this with a grain of salt b/c it's just MY experience -- it does seem out of the range of standard response to have such drastic mood swings. It seems to be making you quite unhappy.
I hope you are able to get the help you need. Please keep us updated! I'm thinking kindly of you and hoping you feel better soon.
take care,JenStar
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 21:02:39
In reply to Re: So sad » Shy_Girl, posted by JenStar on May 14, 2005, at 19:52:35
the best thing to do would be to give me a few hugs and maybe a sentence or two of encouragment...my "depressions" don't seem to last very long. Usually by the time people respond and think to write some very useful and insightful posts...I'm already out of that particular mood.
I understand it must be very confusing, since I'm pretty new here and people here aren't used to the way I am. I'm not underestimating the depth of my despair during those times, but they are usually very short lived...a few hours or two days at most. So please don't get too worried about me.
You guys are really great. I'm going to have to find some way to manage my emotions so that I'm not posting them here all the time and distressing people. I will find a way...any suggestions?
> Honestly, your post WAS a little troubling (you called it "weird".) I guess I'm concerned about you and your stability. You seem to cycle through moods rapidly, from good to very bad in quick succession. Am I right or am I misreading the cues in your posts here? (If I'm misreading, I'm sorry!)
Yep, you are entirely correct. It's good they don't last long though, or I could get into some trouble.
> if it's correct, have you been able to address this with a T or doctor and get help for it? From my personal experience, and you'll have to take this with a grain of salt b/c it's just MY experience -- it does seem out of the range of standard response to have such drastic mood swings. It seems to be making you quite unhappy.
Yes, I think you are right, it is out of the range of "normal." Not sure why I'm like this. The happy times are quite fun though :o) My pdoc who's on maternity leave knows about this, she thinks I'll be ok. In the meantime, I'm going to get rid of all potentially harmful things out of the house so I won't do anything stupid on impulse. I think I'll also make an appt with my family doc once she's back from vacation, just to be on the safe side. :o)
Thank-you so much ((JenStar))
Thanks for putting up with my wierdness
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 21:21:11
In reply to Re: If I ever seem suicidal... » JenStar, posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 21:02:39
...if I actually post that I've done something to myself, and it is potentially very harmful, please encourage me to get some help IRL. I'm very shy IRL and would probably be terrified at the prospect of getting help IRL.
Step by steps of what to do might make things less scary for me.
For example: Someone could tell me to call the crisis centre and tell them what I have done, hopefully the centre would then get me to get other help
No pressure on anyone to do this. It is unlikely this will happen.
Posted by JenStar on May 14, 2005, at 21:34:26
In reply to Re: However..., posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 21:21:11
of course! :) I think everyone here cares about you and would do everything possible to keep you safe.
Also, please feel free to post whatever you need to. You don't need to edit your thoughts or feelings, even if you need to post the same thing over and over again. I don't think anyone here gets tired of each other. It's a supportive place. yOu should not need to worry about anyone else - just post what you need to, when you need to, and the support will come.
take care of yourself! :)
JenStar
Posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 21:52:10
In reply to Re: If I ever seem suicidal... » JenStar, posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 21:02:39
I think what I found distressing about your post is that the reader has to read it from a first person point of view.
I have a tendancy to have those kind of thoughts occur to me.
In general I do a pretty good job of not letting them get out of hand.
But to see them right there
over
and over
and over
Is a way of brainwashing yourself into believing them.
Does that make sense?
I found it hard to think of other stuff after looking at that post.The boards are here for support.
But sometimes...
It helps others to think a bit about how what you say might affect others.
Other people are human.
They have their own issues.
They tend to appreciate it if you show some sensitivity to that.
Especially with respect to trigger warnings.Maybe type what you need to get out...
And sit on it for a day.
Then if it still needs to be said
Post away.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 22:13:04
In reply to Re: If I ever seem suicidal..., posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 21:52:10
> I think what I found distressing about your post is that the reader has to read it from a first person point of view.
Hmmm...good point. I really hadn't thought of that. Would it make things better if I said "jenny is feeling..." instead of "I am feeling...?" I'm very sorry to have made you feel uncomfortable in any way. I wasn't really myself last night, but I know that is no excuse. I'm going to try really really hard to not post when I feel badly. Again, I'm extremely sorry for my behaviour. Did I mention I'm not too good at this social thing? :o) I'll do whatever I need to do to not post anything negative ever again...I will get rid of the keyboard if need be. I admire you for being able to exhibit self-control. Starting right now, I will do my very best to not post anything when I'm in despair. thank-you for the insight
>
> I have a tendancy to have those kind of thoughts occur to me.
>
> In general I do a pretty good job of not letting them get out of hand.
>
> But to see them right there
> over
> and over
> and over
> Is a way of brainwashing yourself into believing them.
> Does that make sense?
> I found it hard to think of other stuff after looking at that post.
>
> The boards are here for support.
>
> But sometimes...
> It helps others to think a bit about how what you say might affect others.
> Other people are human.
> They have their own issues.
> They tend to appreciate it if you show some sensitivity to that.
> Especially with respect to trigger warnings.
>
> Maybe type what you need to get out...
> And sit on it for a day.
> Then if it still needs to be said
> Post away.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 22:17:52
In reply to Re: If I ever seem suicidal... » alexandra_k, posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 22:13:04
...I think it is best if I go away for a while, until I'm ready to post good things
I'm really sorry guys, I won't be posting anything bad again.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 15, 2005, at 8:16:25
In reply to Re: If I ever seem suicidal... » alexandra_k, posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 22:13:04
> > I think what I found distressing about your post is that the reader has to read it from a first person point of view.
>
> Hmmm...good point. I really hadn't thought of that. Would it make things better if I said "jenny is feeling..." instead of "I am feeling...?" I'm very sorry to have made you feel uncomfortable in any way. I wasn't really myself last night, but I know that is no excuse. I'm going to try really really hard to not post when I feel badly. Again, I'm extremely sorry for my behaviour. Did I mention I'm not too good at this social thing? :o) I'll do whatever I need to do to not post anything negative ever again...I will get rid of the keyboard if need be. I admire you for being able to exhibit self-control. Starting right now, I will do my very best to not post anything when I'm in despair. thank-you for the insightJenny, if I may interject, as an observer of this dialogue between yourself and Alex......
One key component of protecting Alex, and others who may be triggered by reading what you describe, is to properly notify them of the risk of being triggered, in the subject line of your post.
You did not call your triggering post by that descriptor. You did not use the keyword **Trigger** in your subject line. It is of great importance that you do that.
I don't think that other restrictions on your posting are either necessary, or helpful. I don't think you should censor yourself, or only post when you are well. That is not the point, and it is certainly not helpful to you. Babblers can help you work your way through an episode of suicidal ideation. But you *must* put the trigger warning in your subject lines, because not everyone is in a position to help.
I hope I'm not preaching, but it is exceedingly important that you use your stable periods to plan for the inevitable coming of your future unstable periods. I think you can reasonably expect they're not going to just magically go away.
In your stable periods, you must do everything possible to develop management techniques, to minimize the severity, impact, and frequency of those periods of instability. Medication might be a key element, and counselling.
I used to get episodic suicidal periods. Horrific, is all I really recall. One of the peculiar aspects of my suicidality was that I then believed that no one cared, or that if I did ask for help, I would be wasting people's time. Only when I was coming out of one could I ask for help.....it still mattered, but it wasn't a timely intervention.
What I developed, with the help of my counsellor, was a written plan of action. I couldn't think it through clearly *while* I was suicidal, so I thought it through before-hand. I had a wallet card printed up, with numbered actions to take. It may be a coincidence, but I broke the cycle when I started intervening in my suicidal episodes, in real time. "Item 1: Go to emergency room. Item 2: If unable to travel, call 911." And so on.
I have not returned to those suicidal cycles since developing a rational self-help plan. That plan was developed during my stable periods, ahead of needing it (again).
Best,
Lar
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 15, 2005, at 8:38:59
In reply to Re: I just realized..., posted by Shy_Girl on May 14, 2005, at 22:17:52
Jenny..
Your symptoms, from here, really do scream BPD to me.. and I know how hard it is when you're in one frame of mind to remember how any other feeling feels. When I feel good, its terribly hard to imagine how bad the bad feels, and when I feel bad, its terribly hard to remember how the good feels.
You need to get the message across to *someone*, someone who is a professional how bad the bads are for you.
What I have always found useful is to write everything down, and take that with me. Not a uge long missive that will take an entire appointment for the doctor or whoever to read, but a bulleted list of points, including what I want.
So, an example for you could be to look back at your posts and do a list along the lines..
"On x date I bought a rope and threatened to hang myself"
"On x date I acted in y way"
And so on. Or even break it down into a day.. so at x time I was saying y, at a time I was saying b.. to show how quickly your moods are swinging.
BPD can be *terribly* difficult to live with, and it takes alot of hard work, including on your part, to star making life more bearable. I never, once, thought I would make it. But I have.. I now work full time in Mental Health, as well as doing voluntary work for a charity that helps support peopple with BPD and always works *very* hard to remove stigma and improve services.
There doesn't have to be a reason that you're suffering.. Theres no history in my life that could have caused this.. accepting this can be really tough, but for me was a hge part in helping me move forward.
You need to get some kind of therapy going.. Different types work for different people. CBT was what helped me hugely, but DBT is what has helped a very close friend most.. You also need help with medication. For me, SSRI's made me worse.. ALOT worse.. low dose anti psychotic helped me the most.. but this is something you *really* need to discuss with a professional.
Don;t think "I'll do it next time I'm ill" as you've shown thats not a good plan for you.. Get help NOW.. Start working on it tomorrow. Make it your plan for the week.Things CAN improve..
Nikki xx
Posted by alexandra_k on May 15, 2005, at 14:48:43
In reply to Re: If I ever seem suicidal... » Shy_Girl, posted by Larry Hoover on May 15, 2005, at 8:16:25
For clarifying.
Don't you go anywhere ShyGirl.
People do care about you here.
But the trigger warnings are important.
Please.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 15, 2005, at 15:24:03
In reply to Re: If I ever seem suicidal..., posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 21:52:10
> Other people are human.
> They have their own issues.
> They tend to appreciate it if you show some sensitivity to that.
> Especially with respect to trigger warnings.Thanks Alex, sometimes I can forget just how fragile other people are. I'm slowly learning and I appreciate the kind reminder.
> Maybe type what you need to get out...
> And sit on it for a day.
> Then if it still needs to be said
> Post away.That is a very good suggestion. I'm going to do that. A lot of times I just need to express myself and I think that just writing to myself can validate my feelings. Thanks Alex for the advice. I've got myself a notebook that I'm going to dedicate for this purpose.
I've got to give you one big hug ((((((Alex))))))
for the wonderful suggestion.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 15, 2005, at 15:47:57
In reply to Re: If I ever seem suicidal... » Shy_Girl, posted by Larry Hoover on May 15, 2005, at 8:16:25
> In your stable periods, you must do everything possible to develop management techniques, to minimize the severity, impact, and frequency of those periods of instability. Medication might be a key element, and counselling.
Thank Lar for the advice. I will discuss this with my family physician once she is back from vacation. Right now my plan is to call the local crisis line when I'm in crisis. I find that writing to the Samaritans via e-mail is not very helpful because of the long delay in response and because of the cookie-cutter responses they provide. As for going to the ER, well, I'm just going to hope that it won't come to that. Chances are that going to the hospital will be counter-productive in my case. My dysphoria is time-limited.
> I used to get episodic suicidal periods. Horrific,...Only when I was coming out of one could I ask for help.....it still mattered, but it wasn't a timely intervention.
I totally understand that! That is why is is almost impossible to "head to the ER" when one is truly suicidal. I think maybe practicing delay tactics might be more useful then...to prevent the act long enough to come out of it enough to actually get some help.
All the best to you as well
This is the end of the thread.
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