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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 15:53:25
I'm not sure I'm going to make it. I was kidding myself to think that a new med could magically help me. The reality is, my "condition" is purely of my own making and is hopeless. Going to the walk-in-clinic was a bust...no one knows what to do for me. There is nothing anyone can do for me. I guess I'll just have to take my chances...if I live, I live, if I don't, I just don't. I cannot predict the future, but if the pattern holds true, I'm afraid I won't be here much longer. "Go to the hospital if I feel suicidal"....ya right, like I'll have the guts and mindset to do that when I'm suicidal...geez, what do people think? I wished for something impossible...a pill to stop my suicidal urges, but none exists. Oh well, I hope I have some fun times before I die.
Posted by TamaraJ on May 13, 2005, at 16:17:44
In reply to No hope for me, posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 15:53:25
thing that sustains us at times. You are young, you are bright and you have much to look forward to in life. This is in no way meant to be disrepectful, but if you put as much time, energy and thought into how to live as you have been putting into how to die, I am sure you will come up with many, many things to live for. And, there are medications that can help with SI, including Zyprexa I believe (someone on the meds board can confirm though). Please, Jenny, find a good therapist to talk to. Be open and honest and allow yourself to display your pain and suffering to ensure you get the attention and help you deserve.
My thoughts are with you.
Tamara
Posted by NikkiT2 on May 13, 2005, at 17:09:50
In reply to No hope for me, posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 15:53:25
I'm BPD and zyprexa helpedf my suicidal urges hugely.. HUGELY..
They didn't get rid of them.. but the ideation and the obsessing was no where near as intense or bad..
Please speak to a doctor about it.
Also, press for therapy.. CBT helped me more than anything else..
Don't let anyone tell there is no hope.. there is ALWAYS hope..
Nikki
Posted by alesta on May 13, 2005, at 17:44:01
In reply to No hope for me, posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 15:53:25
hi jenny :)no, jen, your condition is not of your own making..one cannot simply choose to become an individual with BPD..and it is not hopeless..it just feels that way to you right now.
<Going to the walk-in-clinic was a bust...no one knows what to do for me. There is nothing anyone can do for me. I guess I'll just have to take my chances...if I live, I live, if I don't, I just don't. I cannot predict the future, but if the pattern holds true, I'm afraid I won't be here much longer. "Go to the hospital if I feel suicidal"....ya right, like I'll have the guts and mindset to do that when I'm suicidal...geez, what do people think?
i understand what you're saying..i feel the same way..if i desire to kill myself, why would i go somewhere that is going to interfere with my doing that..it doesn't make sense to me either..i guess it might help some ppl who feel pulled in different directions mentally on that issue or something..
< I wished for something impossible...a pill to stop my suicidal urges, but none exists. Oh well, I hope I have some fun times before I die.
no, i don't think there is a pill, although i could be wrong..never know. (i am pretty sure this is purely psychological.) this will pass...can you set aside 30 minutes every day to just be alone with yourself (and not focus on other people) in addition to therapy, if you choose to continue that route? i wonder if therapy might not be a diversion to the patient from focusing on self...i feel that you really need to at least adjunct therapy with some alone time every day...
i hope you feel better. you and me still gotta get some of them virtual polar bears, extra chocolate.:-) mmmm..that sounds GOOD!!
{{{{{{{{{jenny}}}}}}}}}}}
take care,:)
amy
Posted by alesta on May 13, 2005, at 17:54:29
In reply to Re: No hope for me » Shy_Girl, posted by NikkiT2 on May 13, 2005, at 17:09:50
> I'm BPD and zyprexa helpedf my suicidal urges hugely.. HUGELY..
>
> They didn't get rid of them.. but the ideation and the obsessing was no where near as intense or bad..i'm very glad you shared that about the zyprexa nikki. thank you.
while i am not sure whether or not a pill will cure your condition, jenny, i am glad to see that there is one that will help suicidal urges. jenny, i hope you look into that. i'm not thinking my clearest right now..forgot you wanted a pill to address suicidality, not your 'condition'. ..(experiencing deep depression myself tonite)
amy:)
amy:)
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 20:57:29
In reply to No hope for me, posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 15:53:25
Thanks everyone
I feel better now, had a little fun playing trivia :o)I think I need to learn to soothe myself more than anything. I'm anxious from thinking about not being able to control or tolerate my emotions. Maybe I can tolerate them, I don't know. My pdoc seemed to think I was going to be all right.
...I'm supposed to go see my family doctor, but she's on vacation! I'm just going to have to trust that I'm going to make it. There really isn't anything big in terms of triggers for me IRL...my life is boring and sad and I'm pretty used to it. I guess the only major triggers are from participating on this site. I don't know why, but reading posts can send me flying high or into a deep despair or rage. I can't seem to take criticism or punishment...hence my dysphoria from being blocked. That's really what worries me...being blocked, I'm worried I might get so upset that I'll kill myself...it is a very silly and immature thing to do, I know, but I cannot control my emotions. Plus, being blocked means that my mind is allowed to continue it's irrational thinking, which may be stopped if people are able to reason with me. Argh...I like conversing here, but I don't know if it is worth the risk. Either way, I don't think I want to stop participating. It really sucks to not have anyone IRL to talk to.
If I feel out of control, I'm going to try taking some propranolol...maybe it will help? I only have 3 and 1/2 doses though...argh.
Arrrgh...I feel like I need something, anything...give me a freaking placebo for goodness sake!
Posted by alesta on May 13, 2005, at 21:52:03
In reply to Re: No hope for me, posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 20:57:29
hi jenny,
for the first time in my entire time posting on this site i wonder if i jumped the gun giving advice. i usually deliberate and look at all possible angles in more detail..i guess b/c this topic is so personal to me...
i'm remembering what worked for me in a minimum amount of time (most people with BPD take a lot longer to recover than i did, possibly). but i would like to see if other options would help you besides what i've suggested..my apologies for thinking my way is the only way...a momentary lapse of reason will get you every time..:) (borrowed that phrase from pink floyd..they are the bomb..)
so lemme ask you....are you not able to feel any pleasure outside of people? i'm referring to your quotes below..
> Arrrgh...I feel like I need something, anything...give me a freaking placebo for goodness sake!
> I think I need to learn to soothe myself more than anything. I'm anxious from thinking about not being able to control or tolerate my emotions. Maybe I can tolerate them, I don't know. My pdoc seemed to think I was going to be all right.
perhaps it would be best to 'soothe yourself' first before you attempt to find your identity. when you said "soothe yourself", my first thought was that your dopamine levels might be really low...i know when i was taking an SSRI, the lowered dopamine levels had me just crawling the walls..i wanted to soothe myself so bad..it was horrible. and i looked to people as my only diversion, since i couldn't enjoy anything solitary, as i felt no pleasure from anything. so this could be key for you.:)
sorry this post is unorganized..but just wanted to share my thoughts with you. i think you would probably benefit from at least the addition of dopamine. have you tried an MAOI, e.g. parnate or nardil? parnate, for instance, will increase dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. this would be great, b/c you may have a shortage in those other neurotransmitters as well. you could try it. you'd have a small list of foods to avoid, but it would be well worth it if it worked.
i think mental health professionals' points of view on how to handle BPD vary greatly. so our speculation is very founded here...
anyway, have a great night. i hope you find some peace.
take care,
amy
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 22:29:22
In reply to Re: No hope for me » Shy_Girl, posted by alesta on May 13, 2005, at 21:52:03
> hi jenny,
>
> for the first time in my entire time posting on this site i wonder if i jumped the gun giving advice.It's ok, I didn't think you jumped the gun :)
> so lemme ask you....are you not able to feel any pleasure outside of people?
I can feel pleasure outside of people...I think, I'm not 100% sure of what you mean. I'm alone most of the time and I actually prefer to be alone. Right now, I would be too afraid to be around actual people. I don't know why, but I sometimes feel intense surges of joy...like I'm on top of the world, can do absolutly anything I want. I remember even thinking that everything in the world was for my enjoyment...almost like I was god-like in a way. I felt this without influence from people.
Then I also recall the really bad times...I would cry and cry, lying on the floor, writhing, repeating doomsday phases over and over again and maybe cutting...again, all by myself.
I was always careful to appear as normal as possible around others. My parents don't notice anything...or if they do, they don't know any better. My parents don't know anything about mental problems.
i'm referring to your quotes below..
>
> > Arrrgh...I feel like I need something, anything...give me a freaking placebo for goodness sake!Heh...I've read that placebos are effective in 30% of people. If my problems are mostly psychological, I think a placebo might be able to calm me down. The problem is that it is considered unethical for doctors to give out placebos...thus they are not able to give out placebos unless I ask for them...which negates the placebo effect!
> perhaps it would be best to 'soothe yourself' first before you attempt to find your identity. when you said "soothe yourself", my first thought was that your dopamine levels might be really low...i know when i was taking an SSRI, the lowered dopamine levels had me just crawling the walls..i wanted to soothe myself so bad..it was horrible.
I'm not sure what if anything is wrong with my brain. I really don't know much in terms of drugs and their many effects etc. My pdoc never discussed meds with me...in fact, she wasn't even the person who decided to give me the Zoloft or the Celexa. She's a talker. I'm sure she must know the basics of psychopharmacology, since she is a pdoc, but I have a feeling that is definately not her specialty...which might be some form of cognitive therapy.
The thing is, my moods and thoughts are all over the place and I can barely remember things that happened yesterday. I don't know how the Celexa is affecting me.
>have you tried an MAOI, e.g. parnate or nardil?
Nope, I've only tried Zoloft and currently Celexa. Oh, and I was given 5 doses of propranolol for my anxiety symptoms. I'm not sure if I can handle the dietary restrictions of an MAOI, my diet is all over the place, my mom uses a lot of soy sauce etc. Plus, I highly doubt anyone is going to give me an MAOI...the doctors here don't even want to give me more than one drug at once. Thus, I believe I will continue with the Celexa whether or not it really works...maybe they are counting on the placebo effect.
> anyway, have a great night. i hope you find some peace.
thanks Amy,
I need to find peace,
anyway that I can
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 22:41:10
In reply to Re: No hope for me, posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 22:29:22
I'm starting to think I should surrender to the dysphoria the next time it hits me...not to fight it. I don't know if my life is worth living. I'm sure I'll have good times again, but I also know for a fact that I'll have bad times again. My bad times are pretty bad and worth avoiding at all costs.
I don't want to play this game anymore, I want out. I'll going to wait until I feel really bad again. It's ok, I won't blame this place ;-)
I promise there won't be legal actions, I threw away my suicide note. My parents are clueless. I'm just waiting to catch the bus and this is my bus stop :-)
Posted by alesta on May 13, 2005, at 23:11:32
In reply to Re: No hope for me, posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 22:29:22
hmmm....well this is a real puzzle. thanks for providing that info, jenny. i might need to mull that over a bit. no wonder it is so confusing a disorder to treat. hmmmmmmmmm :)
i wanted to let you know that i might be taking a long break from these boards. i've got a lot of life issues that are looming right now. i'm not doing too well at all. but i kinda wanted to try and help you before i left..i just hope you'll be ok. i'm worried about you.
so you are on celexa right now...doesn't sound like it's doing the trick too well..i wonder whether your symptoms improved or worsened on it. (celexa will lower your dopamine levels, while raising serotonin.) anyway. i know, i'm still leaning toward it being psychological, too, but who knows...
i don't know what other advice i can give. i hope you will continue in your journey to find yourself. it will pay off jenny.:) that i can say...
take care girl,
amy:-)
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 23:14:31
In reply to Re: No hope for me » Shy_Girl, posted by alesta on May 13, 2005, at 23:11:32
Thank-you Amy, you've given me so much help already. You need to take care of yourself. Don't worry about me, or I'll start to worry about you :-)
Posted by alesta on May 13, 2005, at 23:20:41
In reply to Re: Surrendering to the dysphoria, posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 22:41:10
hey...jenny...you have to remember that this is temporary. i know you'll get through this..when the pain gets really bad just realize that you ARE a good person. one of the sweetest people i've had the pleasure of knowing. and that ppl care about you. always. you are not alone. never were, never will be. there are guardian angels watching over you, jenny. they are REAL. i promise everything is gonna be all right in the end.
(((((((jenny))))))))good night jen,
amy
Posted by alesta on May 13, 2005, at 23:30:02
In reply to Re: No hope for me » alesta, posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 23:14:31
<Don't worry about me, or I'll start to worry about you :-)
LOL!:) thanks.
(all right, i'm really off to bed now.):-)
Posted by JenStar on May 14, 2005, at 19:58:27
In reply to No hope for me, posted by Shy_Girl on May 13, 2005, at 15:53:25
hi Shy_girl,
keep in mind that any condition is not completely of your own making -- there is a genetic factor that determines your brain chemistry, and that just came with your other attributed like hair color & eye color. I think we all have SOME ability to control our thoughts too, some people more than others. I myself am rather poor at it and I'm trying to get better. Some people say that meditation can help. I sure do admire the Zen Buddhist monks who have such mental control that they can change their heart rate and blood pressure at will. They have a lot of peace. I wish I could be that way!I'm bringing that up because I think we DO have the capability to make ourselves happier, at least to SOME degree. I know for myself that when I wallow in misery, I get even unhappier. When I'm busy and doing fun things, I tend to forget my depression and anxiety (if even for a few hours!) and then that helps catapult me into a better mood. It's hard for me to do it (stay positive, that is) but I'm working on it. :)
So I think you can help youself a bit too, as long as you also get other help with meds, the right therapist, and any other treatments that you need.
You can have all the fun times you want, especially if you take the time to take care of yourself and plan some fun things!
take care,
JenStar
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