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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 13 to 37 of 37. Go back in thread:
Posted by Shortelise on February 13, 2005, at 12:40:03
In reply to Jay gives the Ultimatum..comments needed :), posted by jay on February 12, 2005, at 14:32:18
Jay, it sounds to me like she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. Period.
Your email may just make her very angry. You said she didn't have anything to offer. TO say that will not soften her heart. In fact, your email to her sounds more as though it were written in the anger of rejection than in the hope of mending fences.
It's good practice, Jay. You got out there, you met a woman, and that's great. Things dont' always work out, right? You are obviously and OK guy, so keep looking.
Hugs
ShortE
Posted by jay on February 13, 2005, at 16:11:37
In reply to Jay gives the Ultimatum..comments needed :), posted by jay on February 12, 2005, at 14:32:18
In the latest episode...
So she replies back, just to add more to the frustration. She is trying to basically say *I* am unstable because, a) I 'depend' on medication.. and b) because I work the midnight shift in a group home. A note to that second point is that I am attending university full time and will graduate at the end of this year with my MSW as my second degree. That is why I work midnight...so I can go to school during the day.
So, ya, I must really be 'dysfuntional', eh? Here are her exact words. "I
really feel that you might need a different person in your life ... you work
midnight shifts and are on a lot of medication...and I need someone who is
strong in my life. I know you've gone through a lot and are very
emotional...I really feel for you...and I don't know if you'll ever be off
medications and be able to function in a daytime job. I want a man who is
established and stable....maybe I'm not stable but having a man who is
stable will make me feel secure." So, it comes back to me being on meds and doing really well. As far as me being "emotional"...any of you had that thrown in your face? I have studied plenty of psychology, and my emotional range is just fine. This is silly....I should just ignore it, her, and stop it right now...because I am going to move on, and finally forget about her and search for someone else. (I have had numerous replies to my ad, on the dating website, btw, but of course never returned to them because I am the faithful type who only dates one person at a time.) So you won't have to put up with so much of my whining. :)Thanks for your great comments and support....you guys are like a really good friend. (And it's nice to hear a female perspective about all of this too.)
Sincerely,
Jay
Posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 17:07:43
In reply to She wrote back...I replied....what you think?, posted by jay on February 13, 2005, at 16:11:37
Ok so....
Your letter to her (the 'ultimatum' one) did strike me as slightly accusatory.
She is responding in kind.
Time to cut your losses and move on methinks...
Try not to take it personally.
Posted by jay on February 13, 2005, at 17:53:53
In reply to Re: She wrote back...I replied....what you think? » jay, posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 17:07:43
> Ok so....
>
> Your letter to her (the 'ultimatum' one) did strike me as slightly accusatory.
>
> She is responding in kind.
>
> Time to cut your losses and move on methinks...
>
> Try not to take it personally.Well...just have a look at my post to Gabbix up above, and it may be a little clearer why I did what I did. She responded out of guilt, it's very obvious. I will just go along, and could really care-a-less what happens to her. That is what it has come to.
Jay
Posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 18:08:37
In reply to Re: She wrote back...I replied....what you think? » alexandra_k, posted by jay on February 13, 2005, at 17:53:53
> Well...just have a look at my post to Gabbix up above, and it may be a little clearer why I did what I did.
Oh sure, I think I understand the *why*.
It is just that the way in which we say things has a great impact on the way in which people are likely to respond to us.>She responded out of guilt, it's very obvious.
And I might add *defensiveness*
>I will just go along, and could really care-a-less what happens to her. That is what it has come to.
Ya. Time to move on...
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on February 13, 2005, at 18:33:25
In reply to Re: She wrote back...I replied....what you think? » jay, posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 18:08:37
Is it okay if I'm blunt?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 18:37:40
In reply to Re: She wrote back...I replied....what you think? » alexandra_k, posted by Gabbi-x-2 on February 13, 2005, at 18:33:25
yup.
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on February 13, 2005, at 18:46:02
In reply to Re: She wrote back...I replied....what you think?, posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 18:37:40
When have I ever asked your permission to be blunt? I have to worry about making men cry though : )
Posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 19:08:16
In reply to Oh that question was for Jay! » alexandra_k, posted by Gabbi-x-2 on February 13, 2005, at 18:46:02
Ah. Good.
> When have I ever asked your permission to be blunt?
Thats right. Thats why I got a bit worried that you were planning on being super-dooper blunt. I was a bit worried.
You ticked my name was all...
Posted by jay on February 13, 2005, at 19:56:37
In reply to Re: She wrote back...I replied....what you think? » alexandra_k, posted by Gabbi-x-2 on February 13, 2005, at 18:33:25
>
> Is it okay if I'm blunt?
>
>Well yes...of course...with some tact..you know what I mean. Dr. Bob...please just let Gabbi say what she wishes. I hope this works out. BTW, I am already 'snooping' around other dating sites...but it's gonna be awhile.
Posted by jay on February 13, 2005, at 19:58:48
In reply to Re: She wrote back...I replied....what you think? » jay, posted by alexandra_k on February 13, 2005, at 18:08:37
> > Well...just have a look at my post to Gabbix up above, and it may be a little clearer why I did what I did.
>
> Oh sure, I think I understand the *why*.
> It is just that the way in which we say things has a great impact on the way in which people are likely to respond to us.
>
> >She responded out of guilt, it's very obvious.
>
> And I might add *defensiveness*
>
> >I will just go along, and could really care-a-less what happens to her. That is what it has come to.
>
> Ya. Time to move on...
>
>Yes...that's the point...keep my mental health in good shape and move on. Thanks. :)
Jay
Posted by jay on February 13, 2005, at 20:11:44
In reply to Oh that question was for Jay! » alexandra_k, posted by Gabbi-x-2 on February 13, 2005, at 18:46:02
I think the reason I understand her behaviour is because I acted the same way in a relationship about 12 years ago. I learned from it, though, and promised I would never put anybody through that again. Especially the "excuses" not to see me (I've talked to her a total of 12 minutes on the phone over a week.) If it smells and looks like it....well you know the rest. Then there is all the rest. A Royal Heap indeed...
Jay
Posted by Angielala on February 13, 2005, at 20:13:18
In reply to She wrote back...I replied....what you think?, posted by jay on February 13, 2005, at 16:11:37
Anyone who sees depending on medication as a weaknes is not worth your time, because they are not in tune with what it means to be responsible for yourself.
Just my two cents
Posted by jay on February 13, 2005, at 20:14:46
In reply to Re: Jay gives the Ultimatum..comments needed :), posted by Shortelise on February 13, 2005, at 12:40:03
Yes..thank you SE. I just put on my parachute and bailed...oh what a relief! I really appreciate your perspective and support. :)
Sincerely,
Jay
Posted by KaraS on February 13, 2005, at 22:42:56
In reply to Jay gives the Ultimatum..comments needed :), posted by jay on February 12, 2005, at 14:32:18
Here's my two cents. You definitely could have been more tactful and less accusatory on the letter to her. That did provoke a defensive response from her. OTOH, what she saw as weaknesses in you I just don't understand. Going to school and then working until midnight to accomplish your goals is very commendable. How anyone could possibly turn that around and see that as a weakness is not thinking clearly at all!! Her insistance that your taking medication is a liability is also something I don't understand. You're happier and more functional than she is. Admitting that the you need the help of medication and then getting on with your life is another strength. It is sad for her that she can't see that.
All in all, as everyone here including yourself has said, it's time to move on.
Kara
Posted by just plain jane on February 13, 2005, at 23:58:48
In reply to Jay gives the Ultimatum..comments needed :), posted by jay on February 12, 2005, at 14:32:18
OK, Jay, what I think:
I have been off the forum for most of this past month and few days and have not had time to read all the posts, so forgive me if I say something that has already been said.
First, what I know.
I know it was January 8 when you wrote complaining that no women would date you.Now it is one month and six days later and you are giving some girl an ultimatum. And, I don't mean to hurt you, but, have you read back through what you've written?
This girl has been behaving as someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you pretty much the whole time since you first met. I may be crazy, but I can smell rejection at 300 yards.
So, I'm wondering, why would you want to be "with" someone who does not care to be with you? How do you figure five or six weeks of acquaintance from total stranger to "love of life"? I don't just mean with her. It seems you are impatient about relationships.
As I have told my son, since every hormore in his body woke up four years ago, if a relationship is going to endure, if two people truly admire and accept each other as themselves, there is time. Lots of it. And over time. if it is to be an enduring relationship, that is exctly what it will do, endure.
I guess I'd best crawl into bed. I'm dozing off here.
Posted by jay on February 14, 2005, at 6:39:14
In reply to what you think » jay, posted by just plain jane on February 13, 2005, at 23:58:48
> OK, Jay, what I think:
>
> I have been off the forum for most of this past month and few days and have not had time to read all the posts, so forgive me if I say something that has already been said.
>
> First, what I know.
> I know it was January 8 when you wrote complaining that no women would date you.
>
> Now it is one month and six days later and you are giving some girl an ultimatum. And, I don't mean to hurt you, but, have you read back through what you've written?
>
> This girl has been behaving as someone who does not want to be in a relationship with you pretty much the whole time since you first met. I may be crazy, but I can smell rejection at 300 yards.
>
> So, I'm wondering, why would you want to be "with" someone who does not care to be with you? How do you figure five or six weeks of acquaintance from total stranger to "love of life"? I don't just mean with her. It seems you are impatient about relationships.
>
> As I have told my son, since every hormore in his body woke up four years ago, if a relationship is going to endure, if two people truly admire and accept each other as themselves, there is time. Lots of it. And over time. if it is to be an enduring relationship, that is exctly what it will do, endure.
>
> I guess I'd best crawl into bed. I'm dozing off here.
>
>
>
>Thank you and I appreciate your post and what you are saying. But when it comes down to talking for ten minutes or less a week on the phone, and being lucky if I get to see her for a half-hour in one month, well I think anyone would complain somehow. I have had a number of very long-term, enduring relationships and know what the foundation of them are made of, and this is not it. Plus add in all the other factors that are mentioned above..it just ain't gonna gel. I hope that clears up some things.
Thanks,
Jay
Posted by jay on February 14, 2005, at 6:42:16
In reply to Re: Jay gives the Ultimatum..comments needed :) » jay, posted by KaraS on February 13, 2005, at 22:42:56
Yep....I've cleared my head pretty well, so back to life and living I enjoy and go.
Thanks :)
Jay
Posted by ron1953 on February 14, 2005, at 6:43:29
In reply to Re: what you think » just plain jane, posted by jay on February 14, 2005, at 6:39:14
All of the above plus Dr. Bob is running out of space on the server's hard drive.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2005, at 15:03:03
In reply to Re: what you think » just plain jane, posted by jay on February 14, 2005, at 6:39:14
> But when it comes down to talking for ten minutes or less a week on the phone, and being lucky if I get to see her for a half-hour in one month...
I think that that really did indicate that she wasn't interested. All the way back then...
Posted by jay on February 14, 2005, at 20:29:12
In reply to Re: what you think, posted by ron1953 on February 14, 2005, at 6:43:29
> All of the above plus Dr. Bob is running out >of space on the server's hard drive.
Sorry Ron...I just really need some views on this. My first date in many, many years, and it just goes right in the trashbin. But..I will move on no problem. My lesson was that I will never mention I am on meds or have depression and anxiety, until I have a very firm grasp on the relationship. Kinda sad, though...I wonder if I told her I had cancer or even just diabetes, how she would have reacted.
Thanks,
Jay
Posted by jay on February 14, 2005, at 20:36:02
In reply to Re: um, Jay..., posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2005, at 15:03:03
> > But when it comes down to talking for ten minutes or less a week on the phone, and being lucky if I get to see her for a half-hour in one month...
>
> I think that that really did indicate that she wasn't interested. All the way back then...
>Well, it was what was coming out of her mouth that tricked me. She even went so far as to tell me "I was the best thing to happen to her' in a long time. Geezzz..nice way to show it, eh? But...bahhhh..it's gone and done. I will find *much* better. And when that time happens...I'll email her pictures..ooppppss..sorry...bad boy...I am pulling an Alanis..."(She) Oughta Know! :)
Thanks,
Jay
Posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2005, at 21:12:26
In reply to Re: um, Jay... » alexandra_k, posted by jay on February 14, 2005, at 20:36:02
> > > But when it comes down to talking for ten minutes or less a week on the phone, and being lucky if I get to see her for a half-hour in one month...
> > I think that that really did indicate that she wasn't interested. All the way back then...
> Well, it was what was coming out of her mouth that tricked me. She even went so far as to tell me "I was the best thing to happen to her' in a long time. Geezzz..nice way to show it, eh?Hmm. It is hard when you get mixed messages. Maybe the moral of that was that she needed you to take it slow. Be her friend first and then see what transpired...
Instead she got an ultimatum. Then freaked by the sounds of it...
I guess I am just wondering if there is some sense to be made of all this that may help you in the future and that won't have you be too wary of other women...
Posted by jay on February 14, 2005, at 21:50:12
In reply to Re: um, Jay... » jay, posted by alexandra_k on February 14, 2005, at 21:12:26
Well, I've had a few very long term, healthy, loving relationships, and I pretty much know where my 'headspace' is at. That first letter was an "I don't care' letter from me, as I knew it was crashed and burned. I just got mixed up with the wrong woman, that's all. From what I can tell now, it seems she was looking for some 'Sugar Daddy' to make her life all perfect..and she had no ambition and did not want to work. So, it's done with....I am fine..looking forward to the summer, finishing my degree, likely a new job. I ain't got no troubles....(well, few..heh)..
Peace,
Jay
Posted by alexandra_k on February 15, 2005, at 0:07:35
In reply to Re: um, Jay... » alexandra_k, posted by jay on February 14, 2005, at 21:50:12
This is the end of the thread.
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