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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tampagirl70 on November 16, 2004, at 14:43:53
Last year I made 50 pumpkin breads for my husband to send to his clients. I LOVE to bake, but it got to be such a pain to do that I wasn't sure I'd want to do it again. Last week I went out and bought all the stuff I need to make the breads (this year he wants 100!), but Saturday I crashed and am now depressed and obsessing. I don't want to leave my desk at work or do anything around the house, let alone bake 100 pumpkin breads. I told him I'd do what I can and he got upset and said I needed to commit one way or another. He also said "This is your contribution to the business (his job)" which translates into "this is what you do to benefit from all the money I make and spend on us."
He knows I'm depressed right now and even though he's read stuff on OCD and depression, he still believes that I can control what my mind does. He's also told me that he doesn't like me talking to my mom/sister/friends about my problems and doesn't like everyone knowing about his life. I know he sounds totally self centered by this description and at times he is. He's also controlling and very concerned with how he appears to his friends and co-workers.
What do I do in this situation?
Posted by JenStar on November 16, 2004, at 15:22:49
In reply to Husband doesn't understand..how do I handle this?, posted by tampagirl70 on November 16, 2004, at 14:43:53
hi tampagirl70,
I'm sorry you're feeling depressed! I hope you feel better soon.Here's my advice, for what it's worth. If you totally hate it, please disregard it and move on to the next one. :)
Here are my thoughts...
If you already have the stuff, make the pumpkin breads. I know it sucks, but you might feel better making them than wasting the ingredients. You did commit to it by buying the ingredients and telling him you were going to do it...and he might have already told some clients they were coming. It won't be the end of the world if they don't get done, but it doesn't sound from your message like you're incapable (just don't want to.)
Then, next year, make it clear way ahead of time, like in September, what your contribution will be for the holidays. If you won't make breads, tell him straight out that you can't do it.
Offer to help in another way (writing /sending holiday cards? Buying pre-packaged baked goods & labeling them? Giving him a back rub?) but be very clear about what you can/can't or will/won't do for the business.
But as to the REAL problem -- the depression, your relationship with your husband, his understanding (or lack thereof) of your depression: it's much harder to offer advice! I think it' very imp. to have family & friends as support, especially if you're depressed. I think it's great that you have a support network & hope they can get you through the rough patches.
I'm sorry your hubby doesn't really get how depression can affect a person. I think people who don't get depressed don't really know what it feels like, even if they genuinely try.
Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. Take care!
JenStar
Posted by tampagirl70 on November 16, 2004, at 15:26:59
In reply to Re: Husband doesn't understand..how do I handle this? » tampagirl70, posted by JenStar on November 16, 2004, at 15:22:49
Thanks so much for your input/advice! I usually feel better when I'm at home, so maybe once I get there baking won't sound so terrible after all. What I really want to do is sit in front of the TV with my cat asleep on my chest. :) She's so cute! And you're right - I'm capable of making them, its just not appealing right now and I don't want to do it.
Posted by yoshimi on November 16, 2004, at 15:40:28
In reply to Re: Husband doesn't understand..how do I handle this?, posted by tampagirl70 on November 16, 2004, at 15:26:59
oh I know that feeling all too well tampa girl.
You just need some motivation.Put on your favorite music loud and get your
kitchen all set up and comfy, get yourself
a nice tall latte and start baking away.
You can do it, once you get started it will
be way easier to keep going. Inertia ya know.
Body at rest wants to stay at rest. Once
you get going you are gonna be fine.Deep breathe,
One Two Three GO!Yoshimi
Posted by partlycloudy on November 16, 2004, at 19:10:03
In reply to Husband doesn't understand..how do I handle this?, posted by tampagirl70 on November 16, 2004, at 14:43:53
I've had this problem many times. Either I'm able to buy the ingredients and then can't find the wherewithall (I've always wanted to use that word) to bake, or I get in that baking mood and when I find I don't have all the ingredients, I give up.
It did help for me to measure out all the ingredients before, which I usually don't bother doing. Otherwise I can no longer keep track of what I've put in or not.
pc
Posted by tampagirl70 on November 17, 2004, at 8:24:53
In reply to Re: Husband doesn't understand..how do I handle this?, posted by partlycloudy on November 16, 2004, at 19:10:03
So I made 6 pumpkin breads last night, only 44 more to go. =) My target is 50; if I can do more than that I will. I certainly have enough ingredients to do them!
Getting back to the part of my post about my husband not understanding the OCD/depression I deal with, how do I handle that? He's read stuff on it and has actually gotten more understanding over the past few years, but he still thinks, I believe, that I can control this thing and make it stop whenever I want it to. I wish I could, believe me!
How have you dealt with your spouse/significant other/family in this situation?
Posted by partlycloudy on November 17, 2004, at 10:01:16
In reply to Re: Husband doesn't understand..how do I handle this?, posted by tampagirl70 on November 17, 2004, at 8:24:53
Basically I force feed him information about our illnesses, and tell him (some) of what I go over in therapy. A couple of times I suggested he come with me to a p-doc appointment, and he kind of froze in his tracks. (Like she'd have x-ray vision or something?) It wasn't until I started moaning that I wasn't EVER going to feel better that I realized that he did get it. he was the one comforting me about long term treatment.
He's a very understanding guy but I do feel like I beat it into him.
Posted by sunny10 on November 17, 2004, at 11:47:19
In reply to Re: Husband doesn't understand..how do I handle this? » tampagirl70, posted by partlycloudy on November 17, 2004, at 10:01:16
it's the only way to get through the day sometimes.
Our conversations usually go this way... I bring up a topic and how conflicted I am over it. You know what I mean, you KNOW the logic of the situation, but you cannot control your visceral reaction anyway. He was brought up in such a kind, loving, supportive family that he simply doesn't GET IT that my visceral reactions are "I'm worthless, I'm incapable, I was supposed to be aborted, I cannot DO this logical thing/ act this logical way". I explain that it is a constant battle in my head and I go to therapy (or went, past tense, anyway, sigh) to shoot for not HAVING this exhausting battle going on in my head.
Most importantly, IMO, I explain how much easier it will be for HIM to have a conversation with me that doesn't end with me thinking that "I'm stupid, have always been stupid, will always be stupid"..or, if I feel threatened, I run away.
If you explain it in a way that makes it about both of you, he will swallow it a little easier. And you're not lying. All of your interpersonal relationship will be smoother as time goes by in therapy...
Hope you don't mind me butting in my 2 cents...
-sunny10
Posted by pegasus on November 17, 2004, at 13:13:05
In reply to Re: Husband doesn't understand..how do I handle this?, posted by tampagirl70 on November 17, 2004, at 8:24:53
My therapist eventually had to talk to my husband to get through to him. I wasn't ever able to really crack his huge shield of denial. I think what finally got us on (more or less) the same page about depression etc. was when my therapist explained to him (without me there), that there are times when the only thing standing between me and suicide is not wanting to hurt my husband. And that if he didn't try to recognize that fact, and act accordingly, then chances were that I wasn't going to make it. And then, my T talked to me about how my husband's denial was protecting him from being afraid for me all the time, and that we needed to communicate with and support each other on this issue.
So, that's when we set up our weekly therapy report sessions. I tell him what I talked about in therapy, and he tells me how it affects him, and what his fears and frustrations are. And we both try really hard not to take either side really personally, and to be supportive and understanding. It has helped a lot. Now he agrees with me that therapy is an expense that we just have to fit in somehow. I literally can't live without it.
I know it's kind of a polyanna story, but I just wanted to share it, to say that it's not hopeless.
pegasus
Posted by AuntieMel on November 19, 2004, at 12:19:36
In reply to Re: Husband doesn't understand..how do I handle this?, posted by tampagirl70 on November 17, 2004, at 8:24:53
Something I learned from babble, and will pass on to you. It worked for me with mine - I emailed him some links and just gave him time to read and absorb.
All are from http://www.wingofmadness.com/
What is Depression (and what is it not)?
http://www.wingofmadness.com/articles/whatis.htmWhat does depression feel like?
http://www.wingofmadness.com/blog/feel/index.phpWhat to do when someone you know is Depressed
http://www.wingofmadness.com/articles/someone.htmIf you know someone who's depressed
http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/depression/living/ifyouknow.htmand my two favorites:
Best things to say to Someone Who is Depressed
http://www.wingofmadness.com/information/best_things.htmWorst things to say to Someone Who is Depressed
http://www.wingofmadness.com/information/worst_things.htm
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