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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by ghost on August 19, 2004, at 14:45:09
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:30:07
(((((shadow))))))
i'm so sorry you've had to endure (and continue to endure) this kind of cruel, inexcusable torture. i think you're an incredibly strong person for living through this and for seeking help.
i do hope the pain subsides. i hope that you have lots of love in your life. we all love you here at babble, and hope for your safety and security.
all the best and many hugs,
ghost
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:45:32
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions » Shadowplayers721, posted by B2chica on August 19, 2004, at 9:41:59
B2,
In the memory, I felt distinctly two points that were generating the electricity. My grandparents did have cattle. The shock was painfully paralyzing. The memory didn't show me what it looked like, but I am sure before long it will. It was an awfully painful experience. This was about 30 years ago. My Uncle was an expert machinest and great with electricity, so I don't know if this was an invention. How long have cattle prods been around? I am just trying to figure out what was that thing he was using on me. This man was playing with my life.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:54:35
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar » Shadowplayers721, posted by ghost on August 19, 2004, at 14:45:09
Thank you, Ghost. Sometimes, I really kick myself for not being so functional and then I get these god awful memories and say, "Now, I know why I have shook really bad since I was four y/o." Now, I have one arm that is really acting funny. The doc is perplexed. It only shakes in a certain position and then this memory comes up where I was being shocked so bad that I couldn't lift my arm up. Coicidence? I hope not. I hope the part that holds the truth will release the awful pain, so I can regain my left arm again.
Thank you again, Ghost. It means a lot.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 15:02:50
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-Ghost, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:54:35
Posted by snapper on August 19, 2004, at 15:39:01
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-Ghost, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:54:35
Shadows as I read and then re-read your original post this morning at about 1:30 and then again at about 2a.m. I was wrought with angst, dis-belief and total compassion for you all at the same time!You have always been there for me in time of need as well as many others here on babble and you are a very special person. I wish I knew you in real life so I could give you a long warm and embracing hug to help ease some of your pain. But I guess this will have to do. I closed my eyes around 2:15 this morning and silently said a special prayer for you and prayed for you to be released from some of your constant agony and pain.I am so sorry that you have had to endure this torture. In my opinion, this type of person should be found guilty on numerous accounts, put in prison, be tortured and then be put to death!I will quit rambling and hope for you that the trial of Geodon is beneficial for you!
All my best and of course a giant 'cyber-hug'
Snapper
Posted by karen_kay on August 19, 2004, at 16:31:22
In reply to Very triggering memories and questions, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 18, 2004, at 20:43:12
shadows,
i don't have the answers you are looking for, but i do hope in time you find all of the right ones you need dear. i'm very sorry i don't have them and i wish i did. please do take care of your very special self.
kk
Posted by JenStar on August 19, 2004, at 16:45:11
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 13:48:13
It's horrible you had to go through that. I hope you have someone strong to help guide you through your recovery -- is there a good therapist you trust, or a family member who is strong enough to help?
About tremors: I thought I had MS/ALS due to muscular tremors ("fasciculations", in medical terms) all over, but predominantly on the left side. After a battery of tests it was determined -- happily -- that I had NO neurological disease, and that the tremors must be due to stress/depression/anxiety. The body can do strange things when under stress, apparently! It's entirely possible that your mind is working overtime and the stress is showing up in the physical symptoms of muscle twitches. I was prescribed an antidepressant which definitely helped. Is there any med that has helped you in the past?
I hope your tests come back negative for any neuro diseases...it's not "good" that the tremors are due to stress, but it's something fixable and that's positive news!
Keep us updated. Too bad you don't know anyone in the mob who owes you a favor...(i.e., taking care of the jerk...)
JenStar
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 17:29:14
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar » Shadowplayers721, posted by JenStar on August 19, 2004, at 16:45:11
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I just pray that my nervous system will heal from all the shock treatments and torture tx. I don't like being on meds, but they do help me see colors better. Before meds, I couldn't see the colors brightly like I do know.
I do have thoughts of retalation. If it weren't for that religious part of self, he would have been dead before sun down.
Thanks again for all your thoughts and replies. I just had to write this one down. It has been really bothering me. I hope that I haven't triggered anyone. I hope all are safe.
Posted by Poet on August 19, 2004, at 18:12:47
In reply to Very triggering memories and questions, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 18, 2004, at 20:43:12
Shadows,
You are incredibly strong- you are seeing bright colors even though some terrible dark memories are surfacing. Meds aren't weakness, they're just helping you be stronger still.
I believe in Karma and that what you do in this lifetime will affect what happens to you in future lifetimes. I don't want to be uncivil, but I wish your tormenter a lifetime of hell.
Poet
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 21:02:31
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions » Shadowplayers721, posted by Poet on August 19, 2004, at 18:12:47
His Karma is Hell coming his way for sure.
Posted by ghost on August 19, 2004, at 21:33:19
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-Ghost, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 14:54:35
it sounds so much like "body memories" that you're experiencing... i hope that your body can learn that it is safe now and it doesn't need to remember what it's remembering. and i hope you regain use of your arm, too.
lots and lots and lots of love,
ghost
Posted by gardenergirl on August 20, 2004, at 1:54:03
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions » Shadowplayers721, posted by AuntieMel on August 19, 2004, at 13:34:27
>
> I'm wondering if maybe the thing Rod was talking about would work. The one where the client pictures the child's fear and feelings of betrayl after one incident. Then you talk to the child, comforting her and telling her that her that she *is* loved over and over until she starts to feel calmer.
>
> It's something that sounds like it *should* work, or at least cause no harm.It also sounds a lot like the two-chair Gestalt technique. I used that last year with a variety of clients. Most all of them said in the end that despite how much they hated it (and they always groaned when I pulled out that third chair...) they thought that was one of the more helpful things we did.
At any rate, Shadows, I'm sorry you are remembering such scary and hurtful things. It must be absolutely terrifying.
Take gentle care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on August 20, 2004, at 2:05:40
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-Ghost, posted by ghost on August 19, 2004, at 21:33:19
> it sounds so much like "body memories" that you're experiencing... i hope that your body can learn that it is safe now and it doesn't need to remember what it's remembering. and i hope you regain use of your arm, too.
>I agree. I wonder if body work...or energy work might help this symptom. Perhaps structural therapy?
> lots and lots and lots of love,
> ghostFrom me, too!
Take care,
gg
Posted by karlak13 on August 21, 2004, at 20:32:32
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 19, 2004, at 13:48:13
I had become a sex addict and went into therapy to try to figure out what was wrong with me and how to stop my behaviours and acting out. Especially since I was married and loved my husband and I hated how my acting out hurt him so deeply. the t said it sounded like I had been sexually abused. My first response was like no way. Then I was like, who? Then I started going through babysitters. No. Then relatives. I got to my Grandfather and all of a sudden all I could remember was the feeling of being touched in my private area. I went home and called my mother and she was like oh God not you to! Grandpa had done it to her when she was a child but only when grandma wasn't home. She thought I would be ok around him as long as grandma was home. I went threw several months of flashbacks. Remembering being forced to have oral sex, being in the woods and tied to a tree, sitting in a living room full of people on his lap with a pillow over my lap with his hands down my pants. ETc. I finally got a chance to confront him and he admitted it. I had had years of therapy at that time so we talked about it. He was molested by his aunts as a young boy. I know how the cycle can continue. We cried alot after I let him know how it had effected my life and my marriage. I let him know I was notifing the family of his problem and not keeping it a secret. Then I told him I still loved him and forgave him. Then it was behind me and the healing was complete.
I will pray for what you are going through I know this must be the hardest thing you have ever gone through. Remember to take it one day at a time and that it wasn't your fault.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 22, 2004, at 2:22:52
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-jenstar, posted by karlak13 on August 21, 2004, at 20:32:32
karlak13,
Thank you for sharing your painful history with me. I wish in someways that I could talk to this "thing" of a man and he is dangerous. Oh, he is frightening looking. He really is. He wasn't when I was a child. He was a very handsome man with cold eyes. Now, I tell you I wouldn't be within 10 feet of him. I doubt they way he smokes he has another 10 years on him. He looks what he is. I don't know what all happened to him. I do know that he was born right after a sister died, so the family dynamic was really warped. The other siblings were worked to death on the farm, but he wasn't asked to do anything.
I get really sick of people feeling so sorry for him. If I didn't have therapy, I would have been dead by suicide and no one would have known what was ever wrong with me. I have so many bizarre symptoms it's unreal. I didn't have a clue what was wrong with me when I got married. That's when all the bizarre symptoms started - seeing things moving, feeling jerking, not recognizing my husband,and extreme dizziness. I thought I had some rare neurological disorder or inner ear problem. I did geneology on the family to see if anyone had these crazy symptoms. Looking back, I feel like an idiot. I had no clue. I mean it. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I couldn't have a glass of alcohol or "it" the symptoms would get even worse. I couldn't ride a bike anymore due to the dizziness. I couldn't wear high heels. I shook all the time. I lost 15 pounds. I felt like I was dying. I was barely working. I still have the symptoms, but now I live with them. I don't complain about them. I feel their are a result of the abuse and may be tied to my dissociation. I have never read in any book all my symptoms of dissociation.
They say this man is paranoid schziophrenic. Now, I am no expert on this diagnosis. But, how was it that he carefully planned out drug dosages to use on me and hid what he did. He also would interact with the adults a bit to just chat on this or that. Nothing sounded illogical. But with me, he did mumble odd things. However, NEVER in front of the adults. Now, they say he doesn't talk due to meds, drools and laughs occasionally at people. I don't know. It's odd, but I wonder if he was sociopathy with psychotic tendencies. He worked, drove a car for years, was in the service, graduated from high school.
So, when did he do this sudden change into schziophrenia early 40's. That's not typical, but I guess anything is possible. Something did happen, because he did stop driving and working. I have had some people say it is his guilty conscious that is torturing him. I don't think so. My father told him that I was remembering that he molested me and guess what this strange thing said. He would love to see me again, but he needed to get cleaned up. WHAT!!!!
Posted by antigua on August 23, 2004, at 23:59:49
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 22, 2004, at 2:22:52
I don't have anything important to add but I want you to know that I'm thinking of you. Your memories sound like some of the body memories I've experienced, many of which I still don't understand. One in particular is a smothering feeling where I can't breathe and can't escape because I'm being held down. I hear specific sounds and smell certain things, but the pieces don't go together yet. There's a whole black image that I can't explain to anyone that makes me physically hurt in specific parts of my body. In order not to die, I have to run from the feeling, I've yet to be able to confront the huge fear and panic, so I admire you for having the strength to reach this understanding.
I agree w/you about evil. Many people don't want to believe it exists, but I know it does.
Hang in there,
antigua
Posted by AuntieMel on August 24, 2004, at 16:15:02
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 22, 2004, at 2:22:52
I know if it was me in your place I'd be spittin' naails mad. Frothing at the mouth bad. Wanting to kill mad. No words to express how mad.....
And there isn't anyone on this earth that could convince me that I didn't have the right to be that mad...
Ok, so it isn't legal (or moral) to cause any whysical damage to him. Do you have any burly family members that could hogtie this b-tard? Give you about an hour to scream, rant, rave, spit and generally throw every verbal thing you've got at him? I think that would go a long way - better than therapy - towards making *me* get over it.
And while he's tied down, they could confiscate all his weapons. For the good of the rest of society.
Argh. Let me at him!
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 25, 2004, at 2:46:30
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions- » Shadowplayers721, posted by antigua on August 23, 2004, at 23:59:49
I can relate to that shadow image thing you describe. Oh, that's so scary. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 25, 2004, at 2:56:01
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions- » Shadowplayers721, posted by AuntieMel on August 24, 2004, at 16:15:02
Thank you so much for validating my feelings. I can't tell you how much that means to me. For some reason, I get so many people tell me don't be angry. Anger has it's place just like any emotion. It can be used constructively, but I think most of my anger has been toward myself for not being able to get away. Of course, this isn't rational, but it's that ole self blame thing. It's not productive at all.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 25, 2004, at 9:26:37
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-Auntie, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 25, 2004, at 2:56:01
That's one I'm still trying real hard to do myself.
I think anger is not only "valid" - it's physiologically necessary to release the stress reactions of the body. That's a reasonable and rational thing for the brain to know.
But to *feel* that it is rational is another thing. I tend to keep real or perceived slights inside. Eventually they reach critical mass and I erupt - usually for something trivial. Which makes me feel smaller, and so on, and so on....
There might be something to primal scream therapy, except that it's near impossible to do on command. One time I was so upset (about things in the past) I found myself outside screaming at the top of my lungs, beating on a tree with a branch. The neighbors must have thought I was nuts.
Oh, wait. I *am* nuts.
Posted by antigua on August 25, 2004, at 12:58:06
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-antigua, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 25, 2004, at 2:46:30
On second thought, I hope my post didn't bother you--if it did, I apologize.
antigua
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 25, 2004, at 17:16:45
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-antigua » Shadowplayers721, posted by antigua on August 25, 2004, at 12:58:06
Oh, no. It didn't harm me at all. Thank you for being so caring.
Posted by RH on August 26, 2004, at 22:23:43
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-antigua, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 25, 2004, at 17:16:45
AuntieMell and Shadowplayers721 and all:
Resentment is the emotion whose energy causes us to hold onto memories. For instance, AuntieMel, a few posts above this one you mentioned that you tend to internalize or hold in the resentment of small slights and such, then it builds up and you "release". That is the more or less normal response to enduring the resentment. The key is to not resent in the first place.
Same is true for Shadowplayer721. Yes, it's easy for me to say you have to stop resenting your tormentor. But in the end, there is no other way out. I am sure of this. It's sometimes called letting it go.
All of the negative emotions are entered or initally set up via resentment. This is even true of say, a PTSD resulting from seeing a gruesomely mangled body after a car crash, when you were perhaps only a bystander and played no role in the accident. It is the resentment of the sight and the episode in general that fixes the PTSD in place. Try to think of one negative emotional experience of any kind that does not first start with resentment, even if the resentment only lasts for 5 seconds and then morphs into something else, like fear or anger, etc.
See even when you hear a bump in the night, and you think there may be an intruder in your home, it is resentment of the violation of the home that is in play, along with the fear. So lets say there was a burglar and he heard your footsteps and ran away. Once you know his is gone, the fear subsides, but the resentment will usually persist - "How dare he break into my house" or "what is this world coming to?".
When a child is molested by an adult, that feeling of violation is a resentment, and when, as a child, you are afraid to "tell" on the adult molester, that too causes resentment -- of self.
Usually to get rid of resentment you have to forgive. But it doesn't have to be a kind of personal forgiveness to the perpetrator (which works, too), but a larger more universal forgiveness of understanding how things are and accepting them.
That is why Jesus the psychologist said "Forgive them, for they know not what they do."
And this is the basis of the the age old saying "Forgive and forget".
Forgetting is crucial to happiness.
I am going to post a new thread with one of my favorite essays on resentment (not one I wrote, found it elsehwere on the internet)
Best wishes,
RH
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 26, 2004, at 23:45:38
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-antigua, posted by RH on August 26, 2004, at 22:23:43
I hear what you are saying and I agree with it. However, I have never met anyone that does all this forgiving thing. In my opinion, only the creator can forgive all things that have ever been done. Take for example the serial killer in our area that was caught. He stalked these 7 young women and one by one dismembered their bodies and threw them in a crocodile infested canal years ago. He is up for parole and he says he will do it again. Hmmmm Is a schziophrenic? No. Is is manic depressive? NO. He has not only hurt those women, but their families and the grief will be felt by generations to come. Decentants of this generations will not even realize that depression of grief caused such generational depression.
The fact that murder, rape, suicide, molestation are like wildfire all around us, RH. Doesn't look like much forgiving is going on here to me.
When someone shoves things down my throat as a child, I physically, mentally, and emotionally need to throw it up out of my system and send it packing back to the belonger. Forgiveness can't be forced. For myself, being raped and tortured beyond my mind could even handle as a child, a large part of me blamed myself. Truth is that I was always innocent. I needed to forgive me. So, yes I absolutely agree with the forgiving thingy.
In my on experience, all the family members that tell me to forgive are the the very ones that haven't forgiven anyone and are in denial of their own pain. As I mentioned before, they are still experiencing extreme depression and suicidal actions by proxy or medicating the pain or even using religon. However, they still preach on a daily basis how I need to forgive the very thing they haven't dealt with. It's very sad.
This reminds me of a patient that I had on a cardiac unit that weighed 410 pounds. She had 2 sons murdered from a drug deal gone wrong. She said she forgave everyone involved. However, her body was telling a different story. She said she forgave them to put it out of her mind, but her weight said it was eating her to death.
Everyone wants me to just put my pain away nicely, because it makes them unconfortable and it scratchs on their issues. Well, I don't put my feelings under the covers for anyone anymore, because that made me sick physically. It is freeing to allow how I feel to surface and not be dictated by anyone.
The stages of grieving come when a person is ready and not when others want it to. I am grieving. My mind is grieving. My body is grieving and this is healthy. Dis-ease comes to the body that fails to grieve properly. Forgiving comes after acceptance. Those tv shows want you just get over it now. Well, some of those people pushing those issues have not lost a child, spouse or been rape or molested.
Posted by JenStar on August 27, 2004, at 0:17:58
In reply to Re: Very triggering memories and questions-antigua, posted by RH on August 26, 2004, at 22:23:43
RH,
your posts remind me very much of a previous poster named Rod / 64bowtie. Do you know him? YOu might be interested in checking out some of his previous posts. I could be wrong but it seems that you two might share a lot of the same ideologies.JenStar
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