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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by woolav on August 12, 2004, at 15:21:17
Hello again all. I am feeling like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders today. I live in a city where you have to put your child in private school if you want any sort of education for them. And even though it was a huge financial commitment, she has been going to a very small private school for almost 2 yrs. Now, she is going into highschool. She can stay at her school but there are only 13 girls in grades 6-12 there. And my daughter wants to have lots of friends and have a normal highschool life. So, I found another private school here, that is catholic. (I am catholic, but have not been practicing) And it is the same price as her other school, yet, much better academically and there are 280 9th graders. We (my daughter and I) went to the schools open house last night, I was very impressed with the school, but my daughter cried on the way home. She says she isnt pretty enough to fit in at that school and she thinks it's full of "preps" so she wants to go back to her little country hick school now. I am so confused. I want her to be happy, but I feel that she is trying to take the easy way out by going back to her other school. I want her to face her fears and go to this wonderful school because i believe she will thank me for it later. But how do i know i am making the right decision. I feel like my choice now is going to have this huge impact on her life (i mean high school years are so important) I just want to make the right decision and I dont want to ruin her life...
By the way, my daughter is pretty and smart (she just doesnt see it in herself) I wonder if therapy might be good for her? she is almost 15 and I dont want her to end up like me...........A confused mom,
S
Posted by JenStar on August 12, 2004, at 15:39:13
In reply to My daughters life.........., posted by woolav on August 12, 2004, at 15:21:17
Hey...you seem like a pretty cool person! Ending up like you would NOT be bad! :)
I don't know much about teenagers, so please take my advice with a grain of salt.
What I believe to be true (folks, please correct me if I've got it wrong!): Teenagers feel emotions with an intensity that burns hot. They are prone to over-exaggerate sometimes, not because they're trying to be manipulative, but because they are flooded with conflicted feelings and tensions that overwhelm them. If they feel sad about something, they are SAD SAD SAD, and if they feel happy, they are DELIGHTED. And if they want two opposing things (more friends, but also comfort), they are going to feel REALLY conflicted.
I think it's possible, as you said, that your daughter will really end up liking the bigger school and the increase in choices once she gets used to it. It's normal to want to pull back from a challenge, esp a social one, if she's not used to a large class.
Do the kids seem nice there? Do you think she can fit it?
Could you make a deal with her: Try it for year, and if you really really hate it, we'll move you back to the other one? Hopefully by that time she'd be loving the new one.
I think it's OK to push kids gently into a new place if you believe it's good. And you said it is better academically, has other features that you like. If the kids don't seem like little stuck-up meanie brats, then hopefully she'll find that she loves it there.
good luck! let us know what you decide.
JenStar
Posted by B2chica on August 12, 2004, at 16:12:26
In reply to My daughters life.........., posted by woolav on August 12, 2004, at 15:21:17
keep in mind this is only my 2c. and i don't have any kids...but...
I think any school you would "move" to would be an adjustment, there will be things there that will upset her-because it's not what she is used to. Change is difficult for anyone- Especially a teenager. To have new fears means facing a new challenge, this is good.
It's ok to have hesitation and a little fear, but it is not good to back down from it...this could create a habit (and a bad one at that). I personally would look strictly at locale and academia, if you think it is a very good school and it is within close range (not upsetting life's routines too much with commute) then i say go for it. No matter which school she would change to, of course she will be afraid and not think she'll fit in...who does? but if she's Anything like her mom, she'll have NO problem making friends quite soon. it all takes time.
And you can't judge a book by it's cover...i know you've heard this, but remember this goes both ways. So kids that judge your daughter by the way she dresses or where she "comes from" are not people you want to be around anyway, but that goes for her view on them too. Sometimes they only "seem" a certain way on the outer layer, dig a little. Though there will Always be the clicks and the 'mean' kids, there are tons of others as well.
I think that your daughter being there would do NOTHING but benefit That School! She will add with participation AND personality. Focus on school work and what she enjoys (be true to who she is) and friends will come naturally.Best of Luck to ((((((you and your daughter))))))
only my2c.
b2c.
Posted by AuntieMel on August 13, 2004, at 16:45:02
In reply to My daughters life.........., posted by woolav on August 12, 2004, at 15:21:17
Been there, done that.
She graduated a year ago, so the memory is still fresh. The public school we were zoned into had gone way, way downhill since we moved there. I TRIED to get my daughter to go to private school - it would be cheaper than moving - but she would have none of that.
So, we moved. Exactly 3.4 miles north. Into a MUCH better school.
If you do it, you'll need to be extra, extra, extra patient. The first year of high school is really frightning *without* it being a new school. There will be a pretty good adjustment period.
If she decides to do this (and I think for the long term it would be better if she did) you could help by playing up the range of activities, more choice in classes, etc.
Sorry to disagree with B2c, but unfortunately, in lots of schools, clothes and stuff *are* important and it is important that she feel on equal footing. I truly believe that if they are that shallow they aren't good friends, but it's dang hard to explain that to a teenager. It doesn't have to be Abercrombie, but until she knows her way around it shouldn't be WalMart either. Might check out consignment stores. I wish my daughter had explained that part to me before she graduated! I think designer stuff is a waste of money, but ........
Not to scare you away, though. Another thing that works is "funk" - purposely being different.
Ok, enough about the clothes hassle. You asked about therapy. I'm doubtful that she needs full scale therapy. But maybe a few sessions with a third party 'counselor' to discuss fears and issues about this one thing would be in order. Come to think about it, wish I had.......
On the hopeful side - they *do* grow up. It's only going to last a few years.....
Posted by AuntieMel on August 14, 2004, at 20:42:54
In reply to My daughters life.........., posted by woolav on August 12, 2004, at 15:21:17
Oops. Sorry I went off on a tangent there.
It's natural for her to be afraid. Even if it was her that wanted a bigger school to begin with. Maybe the two of you should sit down, draw a line down the middle of a sheet of paper and list reasons to move on one side and reasons to stay put on the other. This way it will be largely her decision, too.
Posted by woolav on August 15, 2004, at 8:24:37
In reply to Re: My daughters life.......... » woolav, posted by AuntieMel on August 14, 2004, at 20:42:54
well, she has decided it may be okay at this new school. The admin. at that school are amazing, they actually care about the kids!! how unique..anyway, my daughter starts monday and we are to meet with the guid. lady and she is going to have another 9th grade girl show my daughter around and all. So, when i told her that, she felt much better..she even tried on her uniform yesterday. I think Im making progress...
Yeah....
thanks for the advice too!
S
Posted by mair on August 15, 2004, at 21:17:34
In reply to Re: My daughters life.........., posted by woolav on August 15, 2004, at 8:24:37
That's great news. My daughter is 16 so I have some experience here. The transition from 8th to 9th grade is pretty big particularly if you're starting a new school - so it may seem rough for a bit.
I'd take a wait and see attitude on whether you should steer her to a T. Teenage girls do wax very hot and cold and to be unhappy when you're a teenager doesn't necessarily mean you're depressed. Given my own history of depression, I'm pretty vigilant about keeping on the lookout for warning signs with both my children. But as much as I don't want my kids to end up like me, I'm also aware that I look to therapy for assistance far more hastily than the general population, and I don't necessarily want to assume that what I need is what they will need.
I'd see how things seem to be doing in the new school and whether she's making friends. Is she into sports at all or some other all-encompassing activity like theater? It's a great way for new kids to work themselves into the swing.
Good luck
Mair
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