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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by All Done on August 8, 2004, at 11:35:49
If you have no desire to read this post, I completely understand. I feel I've been a pretty lousy Babbler and friend to many of you lately. I'm sorry for not being around much...
...but I can't stop crying. I've been home for about six weeks or so with my son, N. I've found a new job and I start tomorrow. It's a much better situation and pay than I was in before, but I don't want to go. How am I going to leave N again? It's tearing me apart. We've done so many nice things together in these few weeks and we've spent a ton of quiet time together, too.
How do I leave his beautiful smile?
The way he asks for and give me hugs all day long.
The way he asks questions about everything and learns so quickly.
The way he calls me LaurieMommy because no one should be allowed to have two names. Seriously, it’s very confusing.
His big, soulful blue eyes. Can a two year old have soulful eyes? I think he does.
The way he sits patiently in the shopping cart while I compare prices and every once in a while asks me for a hug.
The way he will jump into the pool and swim underwater into my arms 147 times before he gets tired.
The way he loves his Daddy.
His belly laugh.
The way he makes me feel like I matter...a lot.
The way he looks just like his Daddy.
The way he looks just like me.
The way I can’t read enough bedtime stories.
The way he makes my heart melt just thinking about him.
How do I leave this everyday? The pure joy he experiences and helps me to experience. This is killing me.
Is it bad that I'm making this all about me? I don't have any problem with daycare. In fact, in a perfect world, I would have him in daycare at least a couple of days a week because I think he thrives there. This time, it's all about me. *I* don't want to leave him. Plain and simple.
:(
Thanks for listening.
Laurie
Posted by DaisyM on August 8, 2004, at 11:57:49
In reply to How do I leave him?, posted by All Done on August 8, 2004, at 11:35:49
I can feel your heart aching and it touches me. (I completely understand, one of my "babies" goes back to college on Friday and it is crushing.)
It is totally OK that this is all about you. It means your child is blessed with a mom who loves him completely...and loves being with him. Do you know how many parents I deal with that don't like being with their kids? Now that is sad.
Here is the really hard part of parenting. Doing what you have to, what is good for him (preschool) even when you don't want to. It is so much easier to do something hard when you are "mad" at them. But when things are going along smoothly...you have to force yourself.
And remember, no matter where he is, you are with him. He carries his mommy with him, soothing his hurts, saving things to tell you, always ready with a hug. Learning that the people who love you are coming back to get you is a huge gift to give him.
And it is totally OK to cry after you drop him off. I was so bad at the begining of each Fall about leaving my kids that they banned me from dropping them off at school. They had dad take them, because mom cries. :)
One of the best pieces of advice someone gave me was that when I get home from work each night, drop all my stuff and sit down with my kids. Allow some "re-bonding" time. Don't rush to start dinner, or do the mail, or whatever. Just sit. Kids will hang around, sit on your lap, whatever, for about 1/2 hour or so and then they will be more settled and you can go do those other things. This worked really well for me. I didn't stress out about them being under-foot and they didn't cling so hard trying to get my attention.
He sounds like such a sweet little guy. Get a great picture to put on your new desk.
Oh, and, congrats on the new job!!
Posted by antigua on August 8, 2004, at 12:07:23
In reply to How do I leave him?, posted by All Done on August 8, 2004, at 11:35:49
Oh, I really feel for you. I know how very hard this can be. You're probably right, though, it's you not wanting to leave him. I have three children and I've had to do this bunches of time and it always broke my heart on the first day.(To show you how bad I could make it be for me, my oldest started kindergarten and my baby daughter started daycare ON THE SAME DAY. Whatever possessed me to do that, I'll never know, but I didn't stop crying all day.)
Then it got easier, and if it didn't I usually made different work arrangements so that I could either work from home some days, or I cut back to PT work.
For me it always triggered my abandonment issues.
He's your first (and maybe your only?) so just trust your heart. You will still be his favorite person in the whole wide world for years to come.
best,
antigua
Posted by All Done on August 8, 2004, at 13:10:59
In reply to Re: How do I leave him?, posted by DaisyM on August 8, 2004, at 11:57:49
Thank you so much, Daisy. Sometimes I worry that I'm all alone feeling this way. I mean, I know other moms struggle with the same things, but sometimes I feel so unbelievably overwhelmed by my feelings that I guess I wonder how much of it is "normal".
>>It is totally OK that this is all about you. It means your child is blessed with a mom who loves him completely...and loves being with him.>>And remember, no matter where he is, you are with him. He carries his mommy with him, soothing his hurts, saving things to tell you, always ready with a hug. Learning that the people who love you are coming back to get you is a huge gift to give him.
I will try my hardest to remember this, Daisy. The problem is, I guess I wonder if this is a hard lesson for him to be learning at his age. Should I be leaving at all? And then, the reason I have to leave is because of my financial irresponsibility in the past. It's not his fault.
Oh dear. I'm sorry. I guess I just won't let myself get out of my pity party at the moment.
Thank you for understanding what I'm feeling. And thanks for the congrats. I won't know for sure until tomorrow, but I do believe I've landed in a pretty good job.
Oh, btw, I watched my neighbor's cat while she was on vacation recently. When she came back she brought me an oven mitten and some kitchen towels as a thank you. They have a cute little kitty on them and her name is Daisy! Now, for sure I think of you everytime I bake. :)
I hope you're doing okay, Daisy.
Take care,
Laurie
Posted by All Done on August 8, 2004, at 13:47:53
In reply to Re: How do I leave him? » All Done, posted by antigua on August 8, 2004, at 12:07:23
> Oh, I really feel for you. I know how very hard this can be. You're probably right, though, it's you not wanting to leave him. I have three children and I've had to do this bunches of time and it always broke my heart on the first day.(To show you how bad I could make it be for me, my oldest started kindergarten and my baby daughter started daycare ON THE SAME DAY. Whatever possessed me to do that, I'll never know, but I didn't stop crying all day.)
Thank you for understanding, antigua. My T suggested finding some books to read that are written by mothers struggling with the same issues. Or maybe just about mothers' love, in general. Good idea, I believe, but I knew I'd find some supportive moms here as well :).
Gosh, I can't even imagine going through twice (or three times or more) the amount of pain I'm experiencing right now. I hope I'm not too big of a mess tomorrow. I'm going to allow myself tons of extra time in the morning.
> Then it got easier, and if it didn't I usually made different work arrangements so that I could either work from home some days, or I cut back to PT work.
This is what I'm really hoping for in the long run, but at least for the next three months, this is a full-time contract position.
> He's your first (and maybe your only?) so just trust your heart.
He is my first and only child and I usually do trust my heart. It's been working so far :). This time, though, my heart is absolutely breaking so it makes it pretty hard to do what I need to do.
Thanks, antigua. It's nice to hear from you and I appreciate your support :).
Laurie
Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2004, at 14:56:08
In reply to How do I leave him?, posted by All Done on August 8, 2004, at 11:35:49
Congratulations on the new job! Good work conditions can make all the difference.
But I don't know that anything makes leaving the munchkins easier. :( But I think it's wonderful that you had this time with him, and that you enjoyed it so much. Remember to try to recapture some of that nights and weekends. Little kids don't know better than to love housework, so you can have lots of bonding time when you are home with him even if you've got other stuff to do as well. (Loved that Montessori. My son liked dusting and sweeping as much as building with blocks.)
Posted by karen_kay on August 8, 2004, at 16:43:43
In reply to How do I leave him?, posted by All Done on August 8, 2004, at 11:35:49
miss laurie,
(((((((((laurie)))))))))))
take advantage of the time you have with him now.
the way he plays with his belly button rather than using the restroom.
the smiles.
the hugs.
his chatter in the car.
the cries in the car when you miss your turn.
but know that by returning back to work, you are doing what is best for both of you (even if it does hurt dear). besides, isn't this a temporary position for now? bingo!!!!! time at home with precious N! invite me for tea please!
love you doll! thank you for being a wonderful mother. i'm up for a third mother, you know!
Posted by JenStar on August 8, 2004, at 23:02:40
In reply to How do I leave him?, posted by All Done on August 8, 2004, at 11:35:49
hi alldone,
your son sounds adorable! When I have kids someday, I hope to have the kind of experiences you relate. Awesome.Do you need to work? (I guess you must, otherwise you wouldn't be going back, right?) Would it be possible to get by on part-time, to give you more time with your boy?
It sounds like this is so painful for you. Sorry I don't have any real advice! I wish I did. All my advice sounds hollow to my ears now that I reread it and not the kind of advice that could possibly help (bring a picture of him to work...visit him on lunch hour...ask permission to start using vacation time right away so you can take a day here and there, esp. in the beginning, to help you wean away...)
But keep us updated on how you're doing. I hope the sadness fades.
JenStar
Posted by All Done on August 9, 2004, at 1:32:56
In reply to Re: How do I leave him? » All Done, posted by Dinah on August 8, 2004, at 14:56:08
> Congratulations on the new job! Good work conditions can make all the difference.
Thanks, Dinah! I really do believe the work conditions at this new place will be *much* better than at my last job. After one year working for the last guy, though, I must admit, I don't really remember what it's like to work in a good environment. I bet I'll be pleasantly surprised.
> But I don't know that anything makes leaving the munchkins easier. :( But I think it's wonderful that you had this time with him, and that you enjoyed it so much. Remember to try to recapture some of that nights and weekends. Little kids don't know better than to love housework, so you can have lots of bonding time when you are home with him even if you've got other stuff to do as well. (Loved that Montessori. My son liked dusting and sweeping as much as building with blocks.)LOL - N loves to sweep and "fold" laundry :).
You know, even on the worst days at my last job, I tried really hard to segregate my work and home lives when N was around. The evenings are for him and my husband. Granted, when things are really bad, my husband gets dumped on after N goes to sleep, but no one can take those precious hours before N's bedtime.
Thanks for the post, Dinah! (Always with the good advice :).)
Laurie
Posted by All Done on August 9, 2004, at 1:46:10
In reply to Re: How do I leave him?, posted by karen_kay on August 8, 2004, at 16:43:43
> miss laurie,
>
> (((((((((laurie)))))))))))
>
> take advantage of the time you have with him now.
>
> the way he plays with his belly button rather than using the restroom.
>
> the smiles.
>
> the hugs.
>
> his chatter in the car.
>
> the cries in the car when you miss your turn.
>
> but know that by returning back to work, you are doing what is best for both of you (even if it does hurt dear). besides, isn't this a temporary position for now? bingo!!!!! time at home with precious N! invite me for tea please!
>
> love you doll! thank you for being a wonderful mother. i'm up for a third mother, you know!You are so very sweet, Karen! I really am trying to do what's best for our family. Since day one, I've struggled with being a working mom. Thanks for always reminding and reassuring me that I'm still a good mom. Thanks for being there for me.
Now about you looking for a third mother - are you sure it's the third? Is this like one of your marriage proposals? You know I'm a mere seven years older than you, dear? Logistically, it might be best if I remain like a "sister". Would we still be able to get married then, though? Oh dear, this is so terribly confusing :(.
Thanks again for listening. You are very, very sweet.
Laurie
Posted by All Done on August 9, 2004, at 1:57:08
In reply to Re: How do I leave him?, posted by JenStar on August 8, 2004, at 23:02:40
> hi alldone,
> your son sounds adorable! When I have kids someday, I hope to have the kind of experiences you relate. Awesome.Hi, Jen! Thanks! I hope everyone can experience the kind of joy my son brings to me whether it be through children of their own, finding someone special, having a fulfilling career, or whatever their passion might be.
> Do you need to work? (I guess you must, otherwise you wouldn't be going back, right?) Would it be possible to get by on part-time, to give you more time with your boy?
I do need to work at the moment. Fortunately, my husband and I have a pretty strict budget and once we pay off some bills, it will be easier for me to stay home or go part time. It's just taking time, but we have made some very good progress over the last year and a half :).
> It sounds like this is so painful for you. Sorry I don't have any real advice! I wish I did. All my advice sounds hollow to my ears now that I reread it and not the kind of advice that could possibly help (bring a picture of him to work...visit him on lunch hour...ask permission to start using vacation time right away so you can take a day here and there, esp. in the beginning, to help you wean away...)You're advice is hardly hollow! I've already requested a few days off at the end of the month since we have a long weekend getaway planned. My new employer had no problems with that and I'm sure the time will help my transition back to work.
> But keep us updated on how you're doing. I hope the sadness fades.I will and I hope so, too. Thanks for your post. It really made my day to meet someone "new" (at least new to me ;)).
Laurie
Posted by LynneDa on August 9, 2004, at 10:15:55
In reply to How do I leave him?, posted by All Done on August 8, 2004, at 11:35:49
Just chiming in to let you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You are not abnormal!!!!! It's worse pain than being separated from a lover, I think :-)! My daughter is 8 and your post brought it all back, that horrible first week or so when she went to daycare and I went to work - cried all the way there and was heart-stoppingly (is that a word?!?) happy when I saw her again! Picking her up from afterschool care is still the best part of my day! It does get less painful, of course, after a few years (ha! just kidding, it'll be sooner than that!).
You are a wonderful Mom!! The best remedy I know is to just KEEP BUSY! Take care and good luck!!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by All Done on August 9, 2004, at 23:15:40
In reply to Re: How do I leave him? » All Done, posted by LynneDa on August 9, 2004, at 10:15:55
> Just chiming in to let you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You are not abnormal!!!!! It's worse pain than being separated from a lover, I think :-)! My daughter is 8 and your post brought it all back, that horrible first week or so when she went to daycare and I went to work - cried all the way there and was heart-stoppingly (is that a word?!?) happy when I saw her again! Picking her up from afterschool care is still the best part of my day! It does get less painful, of course, after a few years (ha! just kidding, it'll be sooner than that!).
>
> You are a wonderful Mom!! The best remedy I know is to just KEEP BUSY! Take care and good luck!!
> ~ Lynne
> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Hi, Lynne! Thanks for posting :). I really enjoy hearing everyone's perspective and it truly does help to know I'm not alone.
The best part of the day is absolutely the pick-up. Today, I walked into the daycare room N was in and he had just come in from playing outside. His cheeks were still pink, he was a little sweaty and had bright pink chalk on his nose. What a beautiful sight :). Gives me something to look forward to tomorrow afternoon.
Thanks for understanding. It was quite helpful to read and remember everyone's posts throughout the day today.
Laurie
Posted by All Done on August 9, 2004, at 23:29:22
In reply to How do I leave him?, posted by All Done on August 8, 2004, at 11:35:49
Thank you all again for your kind words and support. It helped me so much to think about all of your posts during the day today.
Well, I dropped him off and there were tears. Him at daycare, me in the car. When I had a break from my training, I called to check on him and they said they had distracted him shortly after I left and he was having fun (kind of wish someone could do that for me ;)). He woke up from his nap crying for me, but he had a lot of fun playing outside and seemed perfectly content when I picked him up. He told me he had fun today and named a few of his friends and favorite teachers. I bet he missed them this summer.
This evening, we played and read a lot. He cuddled with me for a long while and we watched the last 15 minutes of Barney. Then, he asked for my hand. When I gave it to him, he held it and fell asleep in my arms. Oh dear, there goes my heart melting again.
It was just as difficult for me as I anticipated, but I made it through without a panic attack or an overwhelming amount of crying. For that, I must thank you all. I truly appreciate all of your support.
Tomorrow will be easier, right??? Well, at least it's a day closer to the weekend ;).
N's Mommy
Posted by All Done on August 10, 2004, at 0:40:59
In reply to One day down..., posted by All Done on August 9, 2004, at 23:29:22
Work was fine. I'll get into the actual work I'm used to doing tomorrow. Today, I was in training for a software product all day, so it was kind of dry...but I was wearing a fabulous pair of shoes all day. Can't go wrong if you've got nice shoes on, right? :)
Posted by gardenergirl on August 10, 2004, at 3:31:36
In reply to Oh yeah..., posted by All Done on August 10, 2004, at 0:40:59
Sure sounds like a securely attached kid to me. Glad it went well for him. And it sounds like you held it together as well as you could, too. What a great mommy you are. Is it the shoes? Could be. But I think it's the Laurie!
Thanks for telling us how it went. Oh, and congrats on the new job. Hpefully you won't feel like whacking any moles there yet. But certainly if you have to, it sure is therapeutic! And safe.
Take care,
gg
Posted by daisym on August 11, 2004, at 0:46:19
In reply to Oh yeah..., posted by All Done on August 10, 2004, at 0:40:59
I hope day 2 went as well as the first. Wearing great shoes is one of the best things about working...you just can't justify them at the beach"! :)
I'm glad your little guy had a good day. I think they do miss their friends and teachers, as much as they love us.
I think we should be distracted, take naps and get to play with chalk too...
Posted by JenStar on August 11, 2004, at 1:32:42
In reply to One day down..., posted by All Done on August 9, 2004, at 23:29:22
You're doing great! Congrats on making it thru the first day. It will get better.
Thanks for giving me some smiles -- your descriptions of him & his antics are so sweet and cute.
JenStar
Posted by All Done on August 18, 2004, at 1:31:15
In reply to Re: Oh yeah..., posted by gardenergirl on August 10, 2004, at 3:31:36
> Sure sounds like a securely attached kid to me. Glad it went well for him. And it sounds like you held it together as well as you could, too. What a great mommy you are. Is it the shoes? Could be. But I think it's the Laurie!
Gosh, you're so sweet, gg! The shoes sure have helped, but I'm pretty proud of myself, too. One whole week down and there haven't been too many tears (just the right amount, if there's such a thing) and tons of hugs.
> Thanks for telling us how it went. Oh, and congrats on the new job. Hpefully you won't feel like whacking any moles there yet. But certainly if you have to, it sure is therapeutic! And safe.The job is going really well! I'm so happy. On Sunday night, I told my husband for the first time in a couple of years, I wasn't dreading Monday morning. Everyone there is very nice and they are keeping me busy but not with more than I can handle.
Sorry for the late response. It's been kind of hard to find the time for posting, but I think I'm getting back into a nice pattern with work.
Hope you're doing well, gg!
Take care,
Laurie
Posted by All Done on August 18, 2004, at 1:37:37
In reply to Re: Oh yeah... » All Done, posted by daisym on August 11, 2004, at 0:46:19
> I hope day 2 went as well as the first. Wearing great shoes is one of the best things about working...you just can't justify them at the beach"! :)
Days 2, 3, and all the rest through today have gone really well! Nice thing - not only do I get to wear great shoes Monday through Thursday, but Friday is casual day, so I can pull out my fun stuff (and fun shoes, too) :). I like this place so far.
> I'm glad your little guy had a good day. I think they do miss their friends and teachers, as much as they love us.One of his teachers was on vacation when we started back and she was in for the first day today. They were so excited to see each other it gave me happy tears. And everyday he tells me who he played with. He sure does love the kids there, too. :)
> I think we should be distracted, take naps and get to play with chalk too...
Nice thing is, I have all the good stuff (at home, of course), so at least I get to play in the evening. The latest additions to our toy/fun collection are Mr. Potato Head and the Playdoh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop. Oh how I love Playdoh!
Posted by All Done on August 18, 2004, at 1:38:38
In reply to Re: One day down..., posted by JenStar on August 11, 2004, at 1:32:42
This is the end of the thread.
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