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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 8:34:03
Okay, I'd been noticing my friend at work seemed to be avoiding me. This is the friend that I'm always paranoid is mad at me, and usually isn't. So I tried to just ignore it and go with the flow. Then yesterday a group of us were outside talking and I asked her a question and she kind of went off on me saying, "What difference does that make?!" in a very angry voice and in front of everybody. So I was like, okay, I don't care if she's mad or not, that was just rude, mean, and imbarrassing.
So I just tried to stay away from her for the rest of the day, and the longer this went on, the madder I got. Then, when I asked her where some of my work was, she replied, oh I did it because you were busy. This has been a big rift between us for a long time. Basically, we're supposed to split the work between us, but instead she does the work so fast, that before I know it, its all done and she's done twice as much as me. Then she gets mad that she's doing more work than I am. I have tried and tried to work on this with her, making many suggestions like spliting the work down the middle from the beginning. But she will never work with me on it. Its as if she doesn't think the job will get done if she doesn't do it herself.
By the end of the day, our boss took each of us separately into her office. She said she could tell there was something going on and wanted to know what it was. I told her about what was going on, and how I have been trying really hard to fix it for months now. She asked why I didn't say something to her about it before, and I truthfully told her that she shows such preferential treatment to my friend, that I didn't think she would believe me. I also told her I didn't feel that either she or my friend had any respect for me or my work. I also told her how I felt that since my friend has a higher title than me, it felt as if they expected her to be my boss now, and I felt we should be equal. She told me all of that wasn't true (and that the only boss was her) and we ended up having a good talk. I now feel much better about my boss then I have since I started this job. She said she would implement all my suggestions, and was very supportive.
The thing now is there is still the rift between me and my friend. I think the things I suggested will solve the problem, but now I don't know how to fix things with her. The thing is, I'm not going to take the blame this time like I always do. I'm tired of it, and I don't want her to think its okay to treat me the way she did. But I would hate to lose our friendship, even though its been going downhill ever since she got back together with her boyfriend (and the two of us can't stand each other). I just never know where the line is between taking up for yourself by being assertive, and just being stubborn.
Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks if you managed to read this far.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 24, 2004, at 8:39:19
In reply to This time the paranoia was justified, posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 8:34:03
Friendships and working together has been a difficult balance for me. Maybe on an acquaintance level it works, but I usually end up getting too involved in either a work issue or a friendship issue, so now I'm gun shy.
Personally, I think a lot of it has to do with this other person not really behaving like a grownup and acting more like a prima dona. Just based on what I've read from you before.
I'm glad you had a good talk with your boss. Do you feel better about how she sees the quality/volume of your efforts now?
Posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 9:01:52
In reply to Re: This time the paranoia was justified » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on June 24, 2004, at 8:39:19
Yes, I do feel better about my boss's opinion of me now. Its because of the prima dona attitude and how my boss incourages it that made me think otherwise. But one thing I did find out from our conversation is that my boss is very sly, which I'm not too cool with. According to her, some of the things that I thought were preferential treatment were actually my bosses way of 'testing' my friend. I really don't like that and would rather someone ask me something outright than try to trick me into giving an answer. But at least I know that about her now.
I've come to a realization lately that I pick the same kind of person for a friend every time! All of my friends have been the prima dona type. I guess subcontiously I see that as confidence and that is what draws me to them. But I always end up butting heads with that kind of person. Actually, I let them get away with treating me less than stellar, and finally I get mad and can't take it anymore. My therapist and I have talked about this and how I need to find friends more like me; easygoing and maybe even a little shy. So I guess I'll have to work on that.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 24, 2004, at 9:46:13
In reply to Re: This time the paranoia was justified, posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 9:01:52
Bosses make me very uncomfortable sometimes. I got fired from one place (a long, hysterical, angry story) after I told the owner's daughter where to put it. I requested a copy of my personnel file afterwards and it was crammed full of all these notes they made over my absences, outbursts, quality of work; I am still traumatized by the experience.
I told my boss's boss about what I'm going through now, and I was very nervous about it. The company has helped other employees with flex time and allowances for appointments, and this boss has 2 daughters with ADD. She understood immediately.
Still I expect to be canned at any time.
I know what you mean about chosing the same friend all the time. It's a hard habit to break.
Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 24, 2004, at 9:58:45
In reply to This time the paranoia was justified, posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 8:34:03
I managed to read this far. :)
I don't have much advice to offer. Nothing that is constructive with regards to salvaging your friendship, anyway. It appears that you're having to choose between career and friendship. I do not envy you that choice.
You're doing the best you can with what you have. Just keep doing that, and in all things, take care of your SELF, no matter which way it goes.
-Scott
Posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 11:02:47
In reply to Re: This time the paranoia was justified » TexasChic, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 24, 2004, at 9:58:45
Thanks yall. It does help to have some support *somewhere*. I managed not to cry during the talk with my boss, which was a huge accomplishment for me. But I don't know if I'll be able to make it through the day without crying about my friend ignoring me.
Our office is supposed to go out together tommorrow after work, but I don't know if I should go or not. On the one hand, I don't want to give up things I want to do because of her. On the other hand, I have no desire to sit there and be ignored by her all night. Especially because people will notice and ask whats wrong and I really don't want to deal with that. On the third hand, we might end up talking if we get some beers in us.
I've never had her mad at me like this, usually we talk it out, and most times I'm the one that's upset with her. I really don't know where she's at right about this right now. She'll respond if I ask her a work related question, but that's it, not even eye contact. I think the reason I'm being calm now is because I took some Xanax this morning. I usually don't take it unless I'm having a full fledged panic attack, but I'm glad I did today.
Despite of our differences, I do enjoy her company. Plus, she's really my only friend right now. I really want to work things out, but in this situation I don't know what to do.
Posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 11:57:19
In reply to Re: This time the paranoia was justified, posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 11:02:47
I don't know if the Xanax is wearing off or what, but I'm beginning to get very freaked out about this. I have such a hard time handling conflict. I have to keep reminding myself I didn't do anything wrong, she's the one with the problem, and there really isn't much I can do about it. But if it goes on all day, I may have to ask her to have a talk with me, even though I'm scared to death to do it. I just don't understand why everyday life has to be so difficult.
Posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 14:50:55
In reply to Re: This time the paranoia was justified, posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 11:57:19
Well, she just told me she wasn't mad at me, never had been. Apparently I'm just certifiably insane. I'm so sick of this. Is it me being a paranoid lunitic, or do I have legitimate reasons to be upset because she is just difficult to get along with? I don't know anymore and I don't feel I can trust my own judgement any more. I just wish I could be normal.
Posted by partlycloudy on June 24, 2004, at 14:56:59
In reply to Re: This time the paranoia was justified, posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 14:50:55
You are not the one who's insane, it's the prima dona being... prima. I bet she doesn't realize the torture you go through every time she stamps her little foot and says, "I'm going to take all my toys and go home!"
It really sounds like she's got a problem in seeing the effect her actions have on other people, mainly, you; who's tried to be her friend. Sometimes there are people who are just too hard to be friends with, and that's the truth.
Posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 16:09:53
In reply to Correction » TexasChic, posted by partlycloudy on June 24, 2004, at 14:56:59
Thank you, your words mean alot to me. She still says nothing was ever going on with her, she just knew I was mad at her about something. And since we have a history of this same scenario, (I think she's mad but she really isn't), its difficult to not blame myself. Especially when I know for a fact that I'm still pretty screwed up. I mean, I know I've made tremendous progress over the years, but with this situation, and the other friend who insisted I was making something over nothing, the evidence just points to me being at fault. My brain is in turmoil because I want to be assertive and not keep being the the eternal doormat, I just don't ever know where to draw the line. And it doesn't help matters that my whole goal in life right now is to make friends! I feel like, once I get more of a life of my own, like when I move out, maybe I won't get so upset about these types of things anymore. God I hope so.
Thanks for listening. Sorry if I sound all negative and mopey, I've just been feeling down all week for no apparent reason.
Posted by Racer on June 24, 2004, at 17:42:55
In reply to Re: Correction, posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 16:09:53
This is so similar to something that I go through all too often myself, so I'm going to share something that I'm hanging onto desperately right now: just because someone else tells you that you're the problem doesn't mean it's true. Even if a whole lot of people tell you that you're the problem, it still doesn't mean it's true. They really could ALL be wrong about it.
You've got a therapist you are working with, right? You've got a pretty good therapeutic relationship in there, I hope. Whether you're the problem or they're all wrong is something you'll work out over time. It's the whole "In The Meantime" part that you've got to get through right now, right? You know what? It *is* a MEAN time.
I don't know if you've followed any of the Saga Of Racer's Nightmare, but this issue was and is a HUGE part of it all. (Disclaimer for everyone who's familiar with the usual length of my posts: I really *do* try to keep them short...) Here's an example from the whole thing: The second therapist assigned to me there was totally hung up on "Diagnosing" patients. I was in a crisis at the time -- total med-induced crisis, with myoclonus, vomiting, not sleeping for several days, just basket-case crisis -- and this broad wants to go through the Axis II Personality Disorders from the DSM-IV to "diagnose" which one I had! Somehow, I was stubbornly resistant to this approach, and delusionally denied the accuracy of her suggested diagnoses. Mind you, all this stuff goes into the patient chart, so everyone involved in my "treatment team" there gets to have a good look at it, and discuss it in the team meetings, right? For the next several months, there was an entire agency -- top to bottom -- telling me I was WRONG about everything I was saying. Telling me that I was getting GREAT care, but was so psychologically damaged that I couldn't accurately perceive how great it was. AND I WAS EVEN TRYING TO BELIEVE IT!!!
Guess what?
--------------------------------
Here's something else: I always believed that I was entirely out of touch with my own feelings. I thought that was the problem. After all, everyone around me *told* me that I felt things I didn't know I felt, so it must be true, right? I just wasn't able to see it, because it was true.One very good therapist, many years ago, during a session when I was crying about being so unable to identify my own feelings told me, "But you can identify your feelings very well -- here are some examples. The problem is that you weren't VALIDATED in them." ('Course, as the story above illustrates, that still doesn't always help.)
So, I think the problem isn't that you were paranoid and it was justified, but that you CORRECTLY identified a REAL situation, experienced APPROPRIATE emotional responses to it, and haven't been able to validate yourself for that.
I hope this gets better for you, and that you do go tomorrow night and do have fun. I can't tell you anything that can help with that, though. Best luck to you.
Posted by TexasChic on June 25, 2004, at 9:15:59
In reply to Ever seen the movie Gaslight? » TexasChic, posted by Racer on June 24, 2004, at 17:42:55
Thanks Racer. You really gave me some things to think on. It's as if anytime someone challenges me on whether or not I'm over reacting, it just puts my mind in turmoil. I realize this for what it is, and know I should trust my judgement, but I guess my self esteem isn't quite where it should be in order to do that.
I have been working on this with my T, and she is very encouraging. She says she doesn't believe its possible for me to be *too* assertive.
But you're right about the validation. I never got that in this situation, and one of the things I'm trying to work towards is to still feel confident even if I don't get it.
I still feel bad and kind of stupid because apparently I started a big deal out of nothing. But the part about work has been on my mind for some time now, and I do believe my heart to heart with my boss really helped. The part I feel bad about is my friend could not figure out what on earth I was mad at her for, and then she got upset (probably because I do this all the time). So even though I still feel she was out of line about something she said to me, whether she meant it that way or not, I realize now I should have just talked to her. But it got all mixed up in the work situation and just became this huge mess.
Sigh. I'm just afraid she's going to get sick and tired of this whole mess that is me, and just want to get away from me.
One more thing, I don't remember ever being this bad about this sort of thing until I got on Lexapro. I'm back on Prozac now, along with Wellbutrin, but the out of control emotions just keep on coming. It makes me wonder if there's still a lingering effect of the Lexapro (I've been off it 3 or more months now), or if maybe its the Wellbutrin?
Of course there's also the fact that I had a big split up with someone I considered my best friend in the world, and I found out she had been hiding things that bothered her about me. So maybe I'm just reacting to that.
I don't know. I guess its just something I'll have to figure out for myself. Thanks for everyone's input. You guys help more than you know.
Posted by TexasChic on June 25, 2004, at 15:03:07
In reply to This time the paranoia was justified, posted by TexasChic on June 24, 2004, at 8:34:03
Well, I had a really good talk with my friend. The best part was she told me all these times we've had disagreements, that they were not because I'm paranoid, but instead because: we're both moody girls, we work next to each other 40 hours a week and then hang out on weekends, and when you throw PMS into the mix, voila! I really had felt all our previous problems were due to me being paranoid and irrational, which I know at least some of them were. And I really thought she must be sick to death with me and my emotional rollercoaster. But apparently she has been way more understanding and non-judgemental than I gave her credit for. So I'm very happy about this.
On another note, I was approved for the apartment I put in an application for, so I've made the first step towards moving out on my own! I'm 34 and have never lived by myself. This is something I've been trying to do for the last 2 years, ever since my Mom moved in with me and my Grandmother. She has made me absolutely miserable be cause of her narcissim or OCPD, I'm not sure which. But basically she wants things her way with no exceptions, and could even get abusive about it. Luckily she is not that way with my Grandmother, so I feel safe about letting her take over as Grandmother's caregiver. It took me so long after she moved in because I had a hard time believing I could live on my own and support myself. But I finally reached my limit with my mom and got the courage to do it! I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I can't wait to be already moved in.Yea!
Posted by partlycloudy on June 25, 2004, at 15:18:12
In reply to Good news for once., posted by TexasChic on June 25, 2004, at 15:03:07
Posted by Racer on June 25, 2004, at 16:28:54
In reply to Good news for once., posted by TexasChic on June 25, 2004, at 15:03:07
And I was, let's see... late 20's, maybe, before I ever lived alone -- it *is* a big deal, and takes a huge amount of courage to make the move. I'd lived with a number of roommates and lovers, but honestly -- I don't think I'd *ever* spent a single night alone in any place I'd ever lived before! That first night was scary, but by the time I met my husband some years later, I'd declared many times that I'd marry the first man who'd buy a duplex and live in the other half! It can get to be a GREAT feeling, once you get used to it.
And I'm so glad you and your friend got that talking done. It sounds like a much better friendship with a much more insightful person than it must have felt like for a while now. That's also very warming.
Watch out, World! TexasChic is comin' atcha!
Posted by gardenergirl on June 25, 2004, at 21:27:36
In reply to WHOOHOO!!! » TexasChic, posted by Racer on June 25, 2004, at 16:28:54
congrats about the apartment. It sounds both scary and exciting. That's how I felt in my first place. But it was sooooo nice. Good for you!
And I'm glad you feel better about your friend after talking to her.
Take care,
gg
Posted by TexasChic on June 28, 2004, at 8:10:46
In reply to Re: WHOOHOO!!!, posted by gardenergirl on June 25, 2004, at 21:27:36
Thanks all, I love you guys! You made my Monday!!
This is the end of the thread.
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