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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 51 to 75 of 184. Go back in thread:
Posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
In reply to Dear diary April 24, posted by Ilene on April 24, 2004, at 18:36:06
Things haven't gone so great today. I usually write in my "diary" after 10 p.m., and it's only about 6:20 p.m. right now. I'm trying to pull myself together and keep going. Maybe my improved mood was just temporary.
I sorted through some of my sewing things last night. It can be a hard task for me. I stepped into a fabric shop today. I was terrified that someone would say hello to me. (Someone did, but it wasn't so bad.) I haven't done any "real" sewing for quite a while. I feel like a sewing fraud. I have yards and yards of unsewn fabric and hundreds of patterns. (Luckily I spent only 99 cents for most of them.) I feel so embarrassed about this. Makes me realize what a hardcore perfectionist I am, and how I still see things in black/white terms.
Went to a Japanese koto concert with a former neighbor. (She's a born-again Christian, of all things. I am most definitely *not*.) There were two other women--one of her co-workers, and the coworker's mom, who is Japanese-American, and grew up in a town near where I used to live. Small world! Wish I had a chance to talk more with her. I enjoyed the concert, except for seeing myself in the restroom mirror.
I wonder if I can get plastic surgery for my double chin.
Called my husband when I got back home. Now he's anxious and depressed about having to move out of his sublet on June 1. He's worried about not having worked for three whole days. He's saying things like "better off dead". I hate it when he does this! I wish he would get a grip! My daughter says he's worse than I am. She says when I'm depressed I just hide in my room, but he talks about it. She's been telling him the same things I have--he should be seeing his therapist and/or his doctor.
Now I'm worried about my son, my daughter, and my husband. My daughter actually sounds the best of all of us.
Posted by sdjeff on April 25, 2004, at 19:51:15
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
hey, ilene. Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I, for one, think you are a great person. I would say more but my head's not in the best place. I hope things smooth out for you.
Best,
Jeff
Posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 20:04:30
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 25, posted by sdjeff on April 25, 2004, at 19:51:15
> hey, ilene. Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I, for one, think you are a great person. I would say more but my head's not in the best place. I hope things smooth out for you.
>
> Best,
>
> JeffI'm so happy you responded. I've been crying a lot tonight. I know I don't deserve to live in this much pain. (Neither do you, of course.) I don't know what to do to relieve it. I don't believe my own "positive self talk".
I had the feeling things were slipping for you. Please post an update when you can. I think *you* are a great person, too. You're smart, funny, and kind.
I.
Posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 22:53:25
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
I'm feeling better. I'm chatting with my husband. He said he didn't know what came over him.
I haven't decided if I feel like an idiot for wasting an evening because of him.
But I love him, sometimes. And I hate him, sometimes.
Argh.
Posted by fallsfall on April 26, 2004, at 9:03:32
In reply to Dear diary April 25 addendum, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 22:53:25
My sympathies, Ilene.
I know that when I'm fragile I really want my world to be stable and strong. It is a scary feeling to know how fragile I am, and yet to also know that I'm more stable than the people around me! Sometimes that pressure makes me crumble, sometimes it makes me stronger. It is never fun.
There are so many changes in your life right now, that things HAVE to feel in upheaval. And this period is lasting a long time for you. When you do finally get moved and sell your house and get your family under one roof things will settle down. Don't be to hard on yourself for feeling upheaved (is that a word?) - I can't imagine that you could feel any other way.
Every sewer I know has drawers full of fabric and patterns. You don't sound excessive to me at all. I would buy exactly the fabric that I was going to use in the next week and exactly the pattern - and if the project took more than 4 hours or so total I wouldn't even consider it. But I am not a sewer (my sister is) - and I think the world needs people like you. You know cool fabric when you see it, and collect patterns in anticipation of finding the right fabric at the right time. Unless you are broke or have a layer of fabric under your mattress pad because you have no other place to put it, I think you are fine.
Do something that you enjoy today - just because you deserve it.
Posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 12:13:04
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 25 addendum » Ilene, posted by fallsfall on April 26, 2004, at 9:03:32
Thank you for your kind words. You are very perceptive. I *know* things are not that bad, but I feel bad anyway. (One of the reasons I'm interested in DBT is that my emotions have a life of their own, and I can't calm myself down. An issue DBT recognizes.)
I don't always look forward to living with my family. Right now I am mad at my husband for being such a workaholic. It's like he's married to his work, not to me. He says he's doing it to support his family, but what's the point if he never sees us, or he's so anxious about work he can't have any fun? I end up taking care of him, the house (sort of), and the kids, and I'm not up to the task. He's so temperamental at times, too, and impulsive.
There, see? I'm thinking about all the problems in store. I *know* I can't expect perfection. My husband and kids have wonderful traits, too. My husband is smart and funny, we can talk for hours about all kinds of arcane subjects, he's never had an affair, he doesn't drink or do drugs, he's honest, he loves me deeply.... My kids are smart (even if they aren't doing well in school), they're honest, they love me, they don't drink or do drugs... I'm just so worried about them! I'm beginning to remind myself of my mother--she worried about me, but somehow never about the real issues
I spent about an hour reading in bed, with my daughter's cat having a little love-fest on top of me. Does that count as doing something I enjoy? It was a distraction. Right now I don't think I can enjoy very much.
...My husband just called me. He apologized for upsetting me so much. I thanked him and admitted it takes two (the upsetter and the upsettee). I told him how concerned I was about his workoholism and we agreed that he would work on that, and then he would have some time to go to the gym and see his therapist, as well as family time. In return the two of us will agree to have "fun time" at regular intervals.
I'm still sitting her with my muscles all tense, but I'm a little more relaxed. Time for a shower and some cleaning up.
Thank you,
I.
Posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
In reply to Dear diary April 25, posted by Ilene on April 25, 2004, at 18:02:14
Today was terrible. I'm feeling suicidal again. I just read my diary entries from the past few weeks, and they just make me more depressed. I feel a little better, I feel a little worse. Nothing really changes. I have no faith that things will get better. I can't think of a reason why they should, other than I want them to.
I have the fuzzy, foggy, sluggish feeling I get when I'm depressed. Just don't want to move. Having a hard time remembering things.
I went to bed late last night, and I woke up early. I got some breakfast, then tried to get some more sleep. I was so-o-o anxious. I can't remember about what, exactly. My kids, I know. I'm so worried about them. I can tell myself I don't *know* what the future holds for them, but I feel that genetically the odds are stacked against them, and the consequences are terrible.
I took some Klonopin when I got up. I think it helped a little.
I want to talk to my husband or my pdoc right now, but I don't think that will help me in the long run. I feel a need to protect my husband from the extent of my depression, and I don't want to be dependent on my pdoc. I'm no better off now than when I first started seeing her, well over two years ago.
Both she and my husband thought I was doing better.
I did some reading in the morning, and then a little housework. I found a bill for back taxes that I lost, and I paid it. I was *supposed* to have paid it by April 10.
More bad news--I found some papers buried on my desk about a legal settlement that I was supposed to have returned by April 19. A few years ago we had unauthorized charges to our credit card, so here was a chance to get a little money back. I feel so stupid and inept.
Okay, Ilene, get a grip. I'm about to sell a house and make get about two hundred thousand dollars. Even after paying the bills and taxes I'll have lots of money--probably enough to put at least one kid through college. So maybe I can decide this is pretty minor.
It's just that I could have avoided it by being more organized. And my husband is so casual about money. I recently developed a system to keep track of oddball bills--I wonder if I can develop a system to keep track of oddball things to do? I feel a little better now. Just a little. I'm discombobulated by having my sleep cycle disturbed, too.
It will be a year ago tomorrow that my father died. There's a lot of guilt bound up there. I feel like a failure in so many ways.
I decided not to cook dinner. I had the forethought to buy some frozen burritos. Half of me feels like a "bad mom" for giving my son frozen burritos, but the other half is grateful not to have to cook dinner.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 27, 2004, at 0:38:42
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 25 addendum » fallsfall, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 12:13:04
Ilene,
I've been following your posts, and I'm sorry I haven't posted responses more. I've been really swamped with school and such and don't get to spend as much time online. I am just so pleased to see day by day how much stronger and happier you sound. Even when you are being negative, you are countering it with such beautiful thoughts. You sound hopeful--although there was always hope in your posts. Just a bit like exhausted hope before.So glad to see this! Take care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on April 27, 2004, at 0:42:07
In reply to Dear diary April 26, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
((((Ilene))))
Just read your last post. I'm sorry that you had a bad day, and about your father. Anniversaries can be hard. Please do something nurturing for yourself.
BTW, I eat frozen burritos all of the time! My office mates think they look wonderful and are jealous. I bet your son doesn't mind at all.
Please remember that recovery is not a straight line up hill. If you graphed your good days and bad days, it would look more like the stock market than a simple incline. But if you keep moving in the right direction, even when dealing with a downturn, you eventually make it to the top.
I have faith in you!
gg
Posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 11:12:49
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 26, posted by gardenergirl on April 27, 2004, at 0:42:07
> ((((Ilene))))
>
> Just read your last post. I'm sorry that you had a bad day, and about your father. Anniversaries can be hard. Please do something nurturing for yourself.
>I have no idea what that would be. The problem is the feeling of being nurtured.
> BTW, I eat frozen burritos all of the time! My office mates think they look wonderful and are jealous. I bet your son doesn't mind at all.
>He doesn't mind, I do. I want us to eat healthy food,
> Please remember that recovery is not a straight line up hill. If you graphed your good days and bad days, it would look more like the stock market than a simple incline. But if you keep moving in the right direction, even when dealing with a downturn, you eventually make it to the top.
>Except I don't see myself moving in the right direction. I don't think I'm any better than I was two years ago.
> I have faith in you!I hope it's justified. Right now I have a great sense of futility. I've worked very hard and haven't gotten anywhere.
Thank you,
I.
Posted by All Done on April 27, 2004, at 11:32:22
In reply to Dear diary April 26, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
> It will be a year ago tomorrow that my father died.
I'm sorry, Ilene. I'm thinking about you today and hoping you're doing okay.
Take care,
All Done
Posted by rainyday on April 27, 2004, at 13:27:41
In reply to Dear diary April 26, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
I'm sorry you feel things are going so badly. It's nasty how low our lows can go. You really get your hopes up when you start feeling a little better, and then wham! you get knocked back again.
I have often wondered if I'll ever be better again; whether my medication has made me worse; if I stopped taking anything if I would be OK; whether the meds have permanently changed my brain; why does my life seem so much more complicated than it's every been; and whether all this angst and misery will ever be worth it.
My life feels like such a drama. If I was a soap opera, I would change the channels pronto.
Take heart, Ilene. Keep putting your thoughts here, good and bad. Just get through this day, and remember that there are many people on this board who care about you!
rainyday
Posted by sdjeff on April 27, 2004, at 18:29:15
In reply to Dear diary April 26, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
Ilene, I'm sorry your day went badly. I wish you my best. I wold say more but my head's not in the best place right now.
Best,
Jeff
Posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 19:35:09
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 26, posted by sdjeff on April 27, 2004, at 18:29:15
> Ilene, I'm sorry your day went badly. I wish you my best. I wold say more but my head's not in the best place right now.
>
> Best,
>
> JeffI understand about your head being someplace else. I've let so many things blow off because my head wasn't in a good place. It means something to me that you made the effort to wish me well.
I hope things stabilize for you. I was happy to read that things at work were going better. You have my respect for managing to hold onto your job.
I.
Posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 22:02:10
In reply to Dear diary April 26, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
My body felt depressed even before I woke up all the way.
New pattern: I take my Cytomel first thing, on an empty stomach, like it says to, and then read in bed.
My father died a year ago today. I didn't spend too much time on it today, but I was expecting a phone call from his GF. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow. I'll have to think of a more graceful opening than "Gee, I thought you'd call me yesterday."
I thought about it yesterday, I'll think about it tomorrow. I can't believe a year has gone by. I've been in suspended animation. This is what depression does to you--it puts you in stasis, but you don't wake up the same age, like in a sci-fi show.
It's so gratifying that so many people responded to my diary.
The weather was better. I gave the car a little wash, and even scrubbed some of the crud off the old Volvo (vintage 1976, doesn't run, need to get rid of it). Fed the birds and cleaned out the birdbath. Folded laundry--how's that for excitement? Filled out the stupid papers I neglected. Cleaned some of the letters, etc. off my desk. I'm trying to get the office organized, develop new systems of dealing with papers. Ordered some electrolyte solution--tastes like sweat, but seems to help me keep from getting light-headed--, a pair of shoes, and some support hose. No books, even though I feel deprived.
Combed vast wads of fur off the black cat. I should save her fur for some ditzy craft project. The gray cat didn't even show up for brekky. I wonder who he ate instead. Hope it didn't have feathers (unless it was a house sparrow or a starling). The gray cat sat in my lap for a while. He hasn't been doing that too much. It's nice.
I got some magazines! I think I've gotten all that I ordered. Archaeology is the most fun. Scientific American is the biggest disappointment.
Got mad at my son for his pathetic excuse for room-cleaning. He doesn't have the persistence to do it all at once, so he gets to set a timer for 1/2 hour and go for it, except he did hardly anything today. He *did* find a lost library book and his agenda book. I cooked a real dinner and asked him what he was doing in school. He said he was doing abolitionists. Many of them were Quakers, he said, and many of them were African-American. I didn't know that.
I took Klonopin twice today. I think that made a difference. I feel not-to-terrible now.
Chatted with my husband. We miss each other. He's decided to work less--hurray!--and get a real pdoc, instead of a regular doc and a therapist. He says his therapist mostly told him the obvious.
I had a fun little chat in Open, yesterday and today.
Posted by Dinah on April 28, 2004, at 9:20:33
In reply to Dear diary April 27, posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 22:02:10
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Gardenergirl is right about the ups and downs.
That's good news about your husband.
(Can you tell my brain feels like rice pudding this morning?)
Posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 14:13:24
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 26 » Ilene, posted by rainyday on April 27, 2004, at 13:27:41
> I'm sorry you feel things are going so badly. It's nasty how low our lows can go. You really get your hopes up when you start feeling a little better, and then wham! you get knocked back again.
>That's why I feel unsure when I start feeling a little better. Am I shooting myself in the foot? I wonder.
> I have often wondered if I'll ever be better again; whether my medication has made me worse; if I stopped taking anything if I would be OK; whether the meds have permanently changed my brain; why does my life seem so much more complicated than it's every been; and whether all this angst and misery will ever be worth it.
>I think if a person is seriously mentally ill then taking meds is always better than not taking them. The disease changes your brain, too. I wonder about all the other stuff, too--whether I'll ever be better, if it's going to be worth it.
My life seems less complicated, because I have so much time on my hands. Unless your job is truly hellacious, then working is better than not working.
> My life feels like such a drama. If I was a soap opera, I would change the channels pronto.
>What a wonderful analogy!
> Take heart, Ilene. Keep putting your thoughts here, good and bad. Just get through this day, and remember that there are many people on this board who care about you!
>
> rainyday
Posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 14:32:03
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 27 » Ilene, posted by Dinah on April 28, 2004, at 9:20:33
> I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Gardenergirl is right about the ups and downs.
>
I think I'm still feeling better. I'm extremely anxious right now. I'm not sure why, or if there even is a "why". I'm *maybe* a little less depressed.I can think of times when I've been much worse.
> That's good news about your husband.
Yes! He's got to actually do what he says he will, though.
>
> (Can you tell my brain feels like rice pudding this morning?)No...but I love rice pudding. Bread pudding, too.
I.
Posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 22:15:30
In reply to Dear diary April 27, posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 22:02:10
Listening to iTunes for once. White Stripes.
Didn't call my dad's GF. Just didn't think about it.
Don't know why I bothered washing the cars yesterday. They're covered with a dusting of yellow-green oak pollen.
I didn't wake up until 10 AM! Went to bed a little after midnight. The man from the moving company came at about 11.
Saw my pdoc. She talked about dialectics--working with contradictions. I talked about how I feel a need to worry about certain things--like what might happen to my kids. 1) Pessimism feels "safer" than optimism--less of a fall to take if X bad thing happens. 2) I need to have alternative plans. 3) I feel that if I think enough I'll solve the problem.
She says it's going to be very uncomfortable *not* to worry about things.
She'll put my on 50 mcg. of Cytomel pretty soon if we don't get any response. (She's finally getting tired of something to happen.) But she thinks I'm doing better than before. Maybe. I'm still pretty effin' miserable.
Got after my son about the clothes on the floor. A little progress there. Dimbulb found his library book but didn't take it to school. Argh!
Tried to do some sewing but mostly tired to get my serger re-threaded correctly.
Talked w/ my daughter. Felt unstilted. She complained a lot. Oh well.
Posted by fallsfall on April 29, 2004, at 8:45:05
In reply to Dear diary April 28, posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 22:15:30
(((((Ilene)))))
Hang in there!
Posted by Ilene on April 29, 2004, at 21:28:53
In reply to Dear diary April 28, posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 22:15:30
I think it's interesting how many people read my diary. So much of it is "put on my pants...put on my shoes...bitched and moaned about something irrelevant...felt depressed...felt anxious" No literary merit whatsoever.
My husband says our daughter is depressed. I'm actually glad she's not on IM tonight. I don't want her to be depressed--one of my worst fears--and I don't want to be supportive mom. How can I tell her it'll all work out when it doesn't?
I'm having an easier time, due to Klonopin. I feel guilty about taking it, of course, but f**k it.
My good friend, the one who visited for 2 weeks, is coming back next week for a couple of days! Oh boy! Then I go to SF for a week. Feeling nervous about that. On Monday I was sure I couldn't do it. I have more confidence now.
Listening to the Bangles.
Maybe I'll even have enough confidence to call the realtor tomorrow.
Managed to struggle into consciousness at about 9. Swallowed my "take on an empty stomach" pill, read for an hour. Mostly Time magazine.
I'm not as fat as I was, but I'm not as thin (so to speak) as I was before that. Down to 162.
Woke up depressed and anxious. Klonopin helped. I said that already, didn't I? Took a second dose at about 5 PM, so I'm still okay, pretty much. Remembering that *not* worrying will be uncomfortable.
Saw lots of birds--a red belly, a goldfinch, some native sparrow, a gray and yellow bird that I couldn't recognize (might have been a goldfinch seen from above).
Didn't accomplish much of my stated goal--get things in the car to take to charity--but I did some sewing. Repaired a dress and made a storage bag. Now I want to do some more sewing.
I tried to change my profile so I'll show up on PB Open as "me", but it doesn't seem to have worked. I like Open, but I can see how a person could spend too much time there.
Posted by Ilene on April 30, 2004, at 21:48:06
In reply to Dear diary April 29, posted by Ilene on April 29, 2004, at 21:28:53
Not quite as good as yesterday but I took Klonopin only once. Didn't help as much today.
I remember thinking all kinds of things that I wanted to write down--but I forgot them!
My friend can't visit until the middle of May. I'm trying to be philosophical about it.
I did just a little sewing. Now it's too late to do more. I got some things in the car to take to charity, and I neatened up the front porch some.
I procrastinate an awful lot.
My son went over to a friend's for a gaming afternoon--no school today--maybe this kid can come over tomorrow. I want to encourage my son's social life, but at the same time I don't like having kids over. My son has to finish cleaning the bathroom before anyone can come over. He did a lot of it this morning, but I helped.
I keep wondering what the rest of my life is going to be like. Whether when I'm dying I'll think it was worth it, or whether I will feel bitter over having it stolen by depression. Goes along with suicidal ideation. I don't think it's a good idea to continue along this line. Hard to stop myself, though.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2004, at 8:42:30
In reply to Dear diary April 30, posted by Ilene on April 30, 2004, at 21:48:06
Ilene,
I enjoy reading your diary even if it seems mundane. I think it really documents day to day progress. So often it's hard to notice from day to day that things are getting better. But if you look at all you are accomplishing, even small things we all have to do, it really shows that you are slowly getting better. Personally, I think that is a joy to see. And it is so generous of you to share it with us.Are you going to SF permanently, or just for a visit until the move?
gg
Posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 10:11:54
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 30, posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2004, at 8:42:30
> Ilene,
> I enjoy reading your diary even if it seems mundane. I think it really documents day to day progress. So often it's hard to notice from day to day that things are getting better. But if you look at all you are accomplishing, even small things we all have to do, it really shows that you are slowly getting better. Personally, I think that is a joy to see. And it is so generous of you to share it with us.
>I think you are right, I am slowly getting better, but I get knocked down s-o-o-o easily. I live with an underlying terror that something bad will happen and I will descend again. It's hard for me not to fear that something bad will happen *again*. (Assault, violent death, false accusations of criminal behavior, stuff like that.)
One of my problems is that I'm "too smart for my own good". I think all the time--what if? what if?--what does this mean?.... I'm very intelligent. I don't know if intelligence and depression are connected, but the things I enjoy nearly always involve learning. It's frustrating knowing that I have the capability to achieve and maybe contribute to the world, but my depression has stymied it.
Having my diary online helps me keep going on it. I revise it and give it to my pdoc/therp. It makes her laugh sometimes.
> Are you going to SF permanently, or just for a visit until the move?
>I'm going to SF in a week on a house-hunting expedition, and then moving there permanently in summer.
I.
Posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 22:47:02
In reply to Dear diary April 30, posted by Ilene on April 30, 2004, at 21:48:06
It's late! My son's cat is sick, and my husband and daughter have been IMing me for about an hour.
The gray cat seemed kind of droopy this afternoon, and he didn't eat his dinner, and now he is hiding under what is currently the spare bed. Since he is an indoor/outdoor cat I am worried that he might have eaten something he shouldn't have. I called the emergency animal hospital. The man said to watch him for vomiting or excess use of the cat box. He hasn't done either of those things.
I did a few things that make me stressed, but no Klonopin today. I'm trying to clean out the house prior to moving--it's overwhelming. I have too much stuff. It's hard to get rid of it. I try to get rid of something every day.
I got a couple of trash bags of stuff in the van, and I'll take them down to Value Village (like Goodwill or Salvation Army) on Monday. The part I hate doing is trying to figure out what things are worth for a tax write-off. I'm just too anal about all this stuff.
My son spends most of his weekends reading or goofing around online. He IMs his friends. I'd like to see him see his friends in person. I told him he could invite someone over once he cleaned the bathroom--he got most of it clean yesterday--but it wasn't enough of a motivator. He also forgets what I tell him. He doesn't actually see the dirt, either. The bathroom is pretty clean now, though. I told him I"d wash the floor.
I had some philosophical thoughts today, but I forgot them....I'm getting tired.
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